you still weren't there

They said time healed the deepest of wounds.

But if that was the case, then wasn't it somewhat implausible how much Elis still felt so inundated by melancholy when she stepped into what used to be her home? It became increasingly sorrowful when she felt as if she could see her late brother seated right on the porch when they got out of the car, frantically lacing his shoes because he couldn't wait to go biking with his friends.

The feeling wasn't at all eased when she took the first step into the lake house she's not seen in long time and the wooden floor creaked under the sole of her shoe, that she felt like it was his footsteps instead of hers.

And even when her gaze set on the same furniture that remained unmoved from three years ago, Elis still felt like she could see him seated on the brown leather sofa, watching his favorite TV show. Or when her mother slowly placed a comforting hand on Elis's shoulder, that she felt like her gentle touch was her brother's instead. Everything reminded her of him. Her grief became ignited by countless memories of her brother that Elis lost herself in the process.

"It still looks the same," her mother sighed. Elis moved away from her unwavering touch, walking further into the wide room.

"We moved right after his death," she replied, her chestnut eyes, once again, roaming over the living room. Every gaze she spared managed to send heaps of memories relentlessly rushing through her brain, that Elis's world suddenly felt violated and intruded into. She didn't wish to have these thoughts. They were much easier to avoid when she was far away from the lake house. Her mind was easily manipulated into not thinking of her brother when there was nothing physical to remind her of him. But coming back to the lake house made that different.

"I know, it's nice to come back." Her mother was just trying to remain strong. Mrs Collins knew exactly how much her daughter hurt to be suddenly flooded by nostalgic thoughts and memories of the past.

It had been her idea to spend their summer back at the lake house because she felt that it was time Elis moved on, time that they all moved on. But it still didn't hurt less having to come back to a house her son was last alive in. It was not as different for Mr and Mrs Collins as it was for Elis. But they were parents and they understood that they needed to be exactly that for their daughter.

"Bryson wouldn't want us to stay away from this place forever." It was upon hearing her brother's name that Elis snapped out of her trance, looking back at her parents before grabbing her bags.

"I'll be in my room," she dismissively spoke before walking up the stairs, hearing the same creak on the third step that she'd last heard three years ago.  It had been three years of being away, of avoiding memories and pretending like her brother never existed at all. When she heard that they were coming back for the summer, Elis braced herself for what she was currently feeling, only that she didn't know to what extent the feeling would go.

Her childhood bedroom was smaller than most of the rooms in the lake house. The single sized bed situated in the corner was still covered in the purple floral sheets that used to be her favorite while growing up.

Elis walked further into the room, discarding her bags on the wooden floor before lurching her exhausted body on the bed and not caring about the dust it exhumed. And as she lied still, it wasn't soon before she fell asleep on the dust filled bed, thinking of nothing but her used to be around brother.

Time had illuded her into thinking that she was healing. That by spending a long time ignoring and being away from everything, time would eventually make her forget. That was what she had wrong because the pain had never been more present. More alive. But bottling it up was what she planned to do.

They were back in the lake house, after all. They were back to where it all began, and where it painfully ended too. They were back to the one place Elis didn't ever want to find herself in again. And so she hated it. Elis still hated it. She hated so many things at that time, that her parents dragged her back there, that she was suddenly forced to approach parts of her life that she tried so damn hard not to let inundate her.

She hated that she had to once again feel the hole drilled deep in her chest, being succumbed by feelings of longliness and the heartache that took permanent residence in her chest. She hated that she had to confront her woes without being ready to.

Her biggest wish was to accept it. To accept Bryson's death and the fact that he wouldn't be in the lake house when she returned. That he was permanently removed from their lives, and no matter how hard she envisioned it, she still wouldn't see her brother standing in front of her, saying one more word, laughing one more laugh, looking at her one more time.

The time she has gotten didn't manage to heal her wounds, and Elis was afraid to think that maybe no amount of time ever would.

The feeling was still the same even when a new day came. Elis was asleep since the day before and hadn't woken up until now. It was almost ten hours of sleep, and she didn't know how she pulled it off without constantly waking up in the middle of the night. But it was sunrise now, one of her favorite moments to live. They were a time of day that found Elis already awake. But her normal life, which would suitably be described as the life she succumbed to after losing Bryson, didn't feel the same since coming back.

The bedroom door creaked open and Elis's mom peeked her head in.

Unlike her daughter, she was quite determined to start a fresh day of their summer in the lake house. She had a smile on her face when she called her old friend to come and help clean the house, and maybe change the decor so that the house didn't feel as sad and lonely as it did.

"Wake up Elis, breakfast is ready downstairs," she called, but Elis remained buried deep under blankets of her childhood bed.

"I'm not hungry," she grumbled, hating the thought of leaving the room, let alone digesting any kind of food.

"There are people I want you to meet," Mrs Collins insisted, walking in the room to yank the blankets off of Emhwr daughter.

"Mom!" Elis articulated, exasperatedly, but getting out of the bed nonetheless while loathing the prosperous smile on her mother's face.

"Come on. Brush your teeth and come downstairs, we'll be waiting."

As soon as her mom left her room, Elis thought about going back to sleep, but decided against it. She walked over to her unpacked bags in attempt of finding her toothbrush and the toothpaste.

To say that she felt and looked like a mess would belittle her condition, but Elis didn't care about her appearance as she walked down the stairs, not expecting to see two more people seated around the dining table.

Seated next to her mother was a ginger woman who looked slightly familiar, but Elis couldn't exactly tell where she saw her from. The woman grinned at Elis upon her arrival, and Elis returned it even though she didn't feel like smiling as much.

Seated further down the table was a younger girl with matching ginger hair to the woman's. The girl's skin was tan with light freckles dusting her round shaped face. Her dark brown eyes subtly fell over to where Elis stood, and without smiling or saying anything, the girl looked down at the plate of food.

"Sit down honey," Mrs Collins said and Elis took the seat next to her dad, directly in front of the ginger girl.

"You must remember my long time friend Lauren, right?" Her mother gestured to the woman seated next to her, and that was when Elis finally remembered the woman whom she had seen visit a few times when they still lived in the lake house.

Elis nodded, reaching over to grab the cereal and a bowl.

"Good. That's Gray, Lauren's niece. They came to help with cleaning and renovating the house," her mother explained. "After eating, please show Gray your room, she offered to help you clean it."

Elis's gaze immediately shifted to the girl introduced as Gray.

Not only did she wonder why her name was a color, she was also astonished at the fact that the color-named girl had offered to pick her room up.

"No actually," Elis began, pouring milk into the bowl. "It's fine, I can do it by myself."

Mrs Collins laughed at her daughter's words before looking at Gray and then saying, "Don't mind her dear. You'll get used to her soon."

"No, really. I can handle it," Elis declared.

"Honey I really think you need hel--"

Elis frantically stood up, pushing the chair with the back of her knees that it made a noise that stopped her mother's words. "I said I can handle it mom," she yelled, grabbing the cereal from the table and rushing up the stairs. "And please, nobody comes into my room."

Elis banged the door when she reached her upstairs, discarding the bowl of cereal on the bedside counter before burying herself under the sheets like she had previously been before her mother's disruption. Elis decided to stay in that way for as long as long as humanly possible. For as long as she could convince herself that her brother wasn't coming back at all. She didn't want to be disrupted.

But Elis's dreams didn't live long, as that was when she heard a soft knock on the door. And upon clarifying that she didn't want to be disrupted by anybody,  the knock on the door felt like an opposition, an intruder marking their entry into her four closed walls.