3 months later

Jeno opened his eyes as a gentle melody of chimes from his phone timer sounded, signalling he had reached the end of his afternoon meditation session.

He swiped the timer off with his finger, took a long, deep breath, raised his arms up to the sky and as he exhaled brought them down, palms together into a prayer pose.

“Namaste.”

Feeling calm and rejuvenated, he opened his eyes and stood, stretched and then glanced at the time on his phone. It was 1:50pm, his guest would be arriving soon. Someone whom he hadn’t seen in person for a while; someone from his past.

He had been feeling nervous and worried about today, concerned that bringing up the past might cause him to be propelled back into the pain, grief and sorrow of what had happened and land him back at square one in his recovery, but when his old friend had messaged him, asking to visit, he had accepted. When he spoke with his psychiatrist about it, she had agreed that it would help him in the healing process, and for himself Jeno wanted to speak with his old friend, to ask how everyone was doing back home.

It had been three months since the accident, and those three months had flown by. Though it only felt like he had been living in Jeju City for a couple of weeks, Jeno and his family had moved there eight weeks ago after Jeno was struggling to move on.

Due to his mother’s intuition they had uplifted their lives in the city for the quiet, easygoing way of life in Jeju City. Everything was slower paced here, calmer. Jeno enjoyed it and no longer felt like he was caught in a rough current, unable to swim out of it.

He had also been seeing a psychiatrist weekly and due to her advice was now practising meditation, something that Jeno had felt an immediate positive effect from. His daily meditation sessions helped him center himself and keep his feet on the ground; he no longer felt lost and overwhelmed by his grief.

Though every day without Jaemin was hard, Jeno knew he was now living again instead of just existing, which he knew was what Jaemin would want for him. Jaemin would continue to live on with him in spirit and Jeno in turn would do his best to make the most of each and every day knowing this.

He walked from his bedroom and through the airy, sunlit hallway which ran adjacent to the small internal garden that was the centerpiece of their home. Complete with a glass ceiling, native shrubs and a striking geometric water fountain, the tranquil space was one of Jeno’s favourite spots in the house.

At the end of the hallway Jeno turned right and walked through the open plan area which connected the lounge, dining and kitchen areas and stepped out onto the deck which overlooked the bay. A warm summer breeze was blowing, rustling his hair, yet the sea was calm; a perfect day for fishing.

Jeno rested his arms against the wooden deck railing and stared out to sea, counting the boats that dotted the horizon and thought about all the people on them enjoying the warm weather on their day off.

Since their move to Jeju Jeno had yet to re-start school, instead focusing on getting better and it was now summer break. Jeno felt confident and ready to return to his studies when the new term began in two weeks time, both nervous and excited to be starting at a new high school.

As he pondered the thought of returning to school and making new friends there was a swift succession of knocks at the door.

“Jeno can you get that!” Came his mother’s voice from somewhere inside the house.

Jeno pushed himself off of the railing and strode through the house to the front door. Through the frosted glass front of the door he could make out two figures, one more masculine form slightly taller than the other.

He opened the door and the taller of the two grabbed him up in a bear hug, hugging him tightly. Jeno chuckled and hugged him back, glad to see him.

“Hello Haechan, it’s been a while.” Jeno greeted him as they drew back from their hug.

Haechan grinned from ear to ear next to his mother. “You bet it has Jeno! Ah I’ve missed you so so much you don’t even know!” Haechan exclaimed before hugging him again.

“Please come in,” Jeno said, stepping aside to let the two of them in. He turned his head toward the hallway and raised his voice, “ Mum, Mrs Lee is here too!”

“Ahh wonderful!” Came his mother’s reply and shortly after she appeared down the hallway on the opposite side of the internal garden with a warm smile on her face.

“It’s wonderful to see you Jenny.” She said, giving Mrs Lee a hug.

“You too, and what a lovely home you’ve got here, it’s just beautiful. Is that the ocean I can see out there?” Mrs Lee asked, squinting down the hallway towards the deck.

“Yes it is, come I’ll show you around!” Jeno’s mother replied, her voice brimming with excitement.

Jeno smiled, glad to see his mother happy to have a guest of her own in her new home. He turned to Haechan who was still grinning at him.

“Let’s go to my room, I’m sure you’ve got a lot to fill me in on.” He suggested.

Haechan nodded eagerly and wrapped an arm around his. “I sure do!”

Jeno led him down the hallway, and they sat down on some large oversize cushions on the floor of Jeno’s room. Warm afternoon sunlight shone through the windows, heating up the cushions and the carpeted floor beneath them.

“So first of all, how are you doing?” Haechan asked while he snuggled down onto a yellow cushion.

“I’m doing good, well much better now since moving but I miss everyone back home.” Jeno replied.

“Yeah we all miss you too! And I can totally tell that you’re doing better, so even though I hated the fact that you moved so far away I’m glad to see you happy again.” Haechan beamed and then his smile sunk into a frown as he continued talking.

“I mean with everything that happened afterwards and all the stuff that came to light I noticed that it changed you, you know? It was hard seeing you process all that new information and deal with all that stuff about Wonho and Jaehyun and Lucas, it was like you were obsessing over it but not in a good way.” Haechan babbled while he grabbed up smaller, pale blue cushion and wrapped his arms around it, peering over top of it at Jeno.

“You’re not still obsessing are you?” He asked cautiously.

Jeno chuckled lightly and shook his head. “ Thankfully not, no. It still makes me a little upset and angry when I think about the sentences Jaehyun and Lucas got but I’ve tried my best to put that behind me.”

Haechan relaxed and his smile returned. “Well that’s a relief.”

Jeno had to agree with him; Jaehyun’s and Lucas’s sentencings had come not long after Jaemin and Mark’s deaths but it hadn’t at all been what Jeno had hoped for and it had caused him to harbour a lot of resentment and hatred for a long time.

Even though they had both aided Mark in assaulting Doyoung and Jungwoo, and in Jeno’s opinion had played a part in causing Jaemin’s suicide, because Mark had been the main instigator, the judge had decided to give them light sentences. Also due to the fact that they were minors, Jaehyun and Lucas only got two years probation and because Mark had committed suicide he could no longer be charged with assault or Jaemin’s manslaughter.

It had been like a slap in the face for Jeno. Those boys had wreaked havoc on him and his friends but all they got was probation. If assaulting your classmates and leading someone to kill themselves only resulted in a couple of years probation, then why did the law, the police, why did anything matter?

At the time of their sentencings Jaemin was gone and Jungwoo was still in hospital and yet it was as if no one really cared. It had destroyed any hope Jeno had of justice for himself and his friends and had left him feeling hollow and alone.

Even after they had moved to Jeju City, Jeno would spend days on his laptop stalking Jaehyun and Lucas through their social media accounts while they went about their life like nothing had happened. Sure, they had switched schools, they were under twenty-four hour surveillance, had curfews and couldn’t go to certain places, but they weren’t in prison; they were still part of society and Jeno hated it.

It had taken a lot of work and time sitting down with his psychiatrist talking things through until Jeno’s hatred and resentment had begun to ebb, but he couldn’t deny that it was still an aspect that he had to work on, among many other issues.

After a moment of picking at a stray piece of fabric on the hem of the cushion, Haechan flicked his head up, remembering something. “Did you hear about Wonho’s sentencing?” He asked.

“Yeah, and I’m happy about that.” Jeno responded.

Haechan slumped back onto the floor and looked up at the ceiling. “Ugh me too! I still can’t believe it though. All that time he had been assaulting Mark and no one knew, not even his friends or parents! Imagine having a monster like him as your neighbour!” Haechan huffed, “I’m just glad they locked him up and for a long time too.”

It was a short time after Jeno had moved that the verdict on Wohno’s trial was released. He had been charged with the  sexual assault and grooming of Mark Lee that had spanned a period of just over eight months. It had been established that the ongoing assaults had likely led to Mark’s violent actions against his classmates and later had driven him to suicide. For it, the judge had sentenced Wonho to twenty years imprisonment.

“I watched this docco last week where they interviewed Mark’s parents, did you see it?” Haechan asked, lifting his head to glance at him.

Jeno shook his head and Haechan rested his head back on the cushion, his eyes returning to the ceiling.

“It was so sad, honestly, hearing his parents explain what Mark was like before he moved to the city… he sounded like a completely different person. His parents too, they were so sad they even confessed that they had sought psychiatric help because they couldn’t believe their son could do something like that - to Jungwoo and Doyoung I mean - or that he was assaulted and now he’s dead.” Haechan sighed loudly.

“I only knew Mark as this horrible jerk but after watching that interview with his parents he sounded like he used to be a really nice kid, the kind of guy who would have actually fit into our friend group, you know? It just makes me sad, like it really, really sucks that one predator like Wonho could cause all this shit to happen. What if Mark never met Wonho? What if he was never his neighbour? Would all this have happened?”

Haechan posed the same question that had run through Jeno’s mind many times in the last couple of months. The ‘what if?’

He shuffled over and lay down next to Haechan. “It doesn’t pay to think about what could have happened if things went differently Haechan, trust me on that.” Jeno said.

He felt around for Haechan’s hand and entwined their fingers together. “Things happened the way they did. We can’t go back and change it, though we may desperately wish to; all we can do is try and come to terms with things, accept them and learn from them.”

Haechan turned his head to face Jeno, his eyebrows raised. “You just sounded really super wise just then Jeno.”

Jeno shrugged, “It’s just stuff that my psychiatrist has been drilling into me.”

“Oh I don’t know, I can see you now; old wise man Jeno with your long wiry white beard, perched on top of your lotus-shaped cushion by the beach, waiting to dish out wisdom to unsuspecting passersby.” Haechan said in a low tone for dramatic effect, sweeping his free hand up above them as he foretold the future like a fortune teller.

“Why am I suddenly so old in this future and what makes you think I’ll have a beard?”  Jeno laughed.

“I don’t know, because all wise men have beards?” Haechan suggested, sounding not entirely sure himself.

Jeno nudged him playfully with his shoulder and they both laughed at Haechan’s hypothetical future.

“How is everyone else by the way?” Jeno asked after a while.

“Well, Jisung is good, he even made it onto the basketball team. He’s been practicing all through summer break so he can impress his coach. He’s so keen to get a starting position but he’s already really good so I doubt his coach wouldn’t put him in the starting line up.” Haechan explained.

“Well that sounds like Jisung.” Jeno agreed. “What about Doyoung and Jungwoo? How’s Jungwoo been doing?”

Jeno had been so relieved when Jungwoo came out of his coma after almost three weeks but he had still been in hospital when Jeno had left. Doyoung had kept in touch with him every so often, giving him updates but they had stopped for some reason, so he was eager to know how they were both doing.

Haechan bit his lip and Jeno felt his palm go clammy against his.

“Well, he was doing reasonably well after he came out of his coma, though he had some really bad amnesia and headaches and he struggled to focus on things. Doyoung was with him everyday though, helping him but it was hard, no one knew when to break the news to him about Jaemin. Doyoung didn’t want him to know in case it hindered his rehabilitation but he kept asking when Jaemin was going to come and visit so eventually he had to tell him.” He paused and glanced sadly at Jeno.

Jeno understood, Jungwoo must have been devastated when he was told about Jaemin, Jeno could only imagine how he must have felt, waking up from a coma and finding out one of his best friends had killed themselves; it would have been an incredibly hard fact to accept.

“It must have been hard telling him.” Jeno said.

“Well that’s the thing,” Haechan replied, “He couldn’t tell him.”

Jeno snapped his head around to look Haechan in the eye. “What do you mean he couldn’t?”

Haechan sighed heavily and squeezed his hand. “Jeno, Doyoung stopped messaging you updates about Jungwoo because he couldn’t tell you this over a message.” Haechan began.

Jeno’s heart was now hammering in his chest, his mind thick and foggy with worry. What had happened to Jungwoo? Jeno wasn’t sure if he could handle another bad thing happening to any of his friends.

“The day Doyoung was going to tell Jungwoo, he had a massive seizure and slipped into another coma.”

Jeno’s hand flew up to cover his mouth and he choked on his breath. Tears were already brimming at the corners of his eyes.

“When Doyoung called to tell me what had happened I thought Jungwoo was dead, Doyoung was that distraught. It was terrible Jeno, absolutely terrible!” Haechan looked like he was being swept back to that day by his memories as his eyes glossed over but he took a deep breath and managed to calm himself down.

“It’s okay though, two weeks later he woke up. He’s worse than he was prior to his second coma, but with the doctor’s help and his rehabilitation he’s still improving everyday.” Haechan finished.

Jeno let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding and held onto Haechan’s arm tightly as his heartbeat slowed down to a regular pace. “Jesus, Haechan, you nearly gave me a heart attack! Tell me that he’s alive first and then explain what happened!”

“Oh I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you like that.” Haechan quickly apologised. “He’s alive and he is slowly recovering. Doyoung also told him about Jaemin too. He kept saying the seizure was his fault for not being honest with Jungwoo so he said he was never going to keep Jungwoo in the dark ever again.”

“Jungwoo’s back home now and he really wants to be back at school with everyone for the new term.” Haechan said.

Hearing that Jungwoo was back home reminded him of someone else he want to know about.

“How’s Mrs Na doing, do you know?” He asked.

The last time he had seen Mrs Na was a few days before he and his family left for Jeju City. He had dropped by to see if Mrs Na had wanted some of Jaemin’s belongings that had been at home, just a few items of clothing, that sort of thing.

Mrs Na had broken down into tears on the doorstep when she had seen Jeno with Jaemin’s clothes. She had led Jeno up to Jaemin’s room and when he had realised it was exactly the same as the last time he had been there - except for his bed which had been made - he hadn’t been able to hold back his tears either.

Jaemin’s scent still lingered, like he was still there and Jeno could almost imagine that he was downstairs in the kitchen grabbing a snack for the two of them.

The pain of loss was still raw for the both of them so together they had spent that afternoon going through his things, reminiscing, albeit with a lot of tears involved.

Jeno wondered how Mrs Na was doing now; was she coping?

“She… well I’m not too sure,” Haechan replied, “But my mum said she bumped into her at the grocery store the other week. They got talking and apparently Mrs Na got a new part-time job working at one of the local day-care centers.”

“Well that can only mean good things then.” Jeno said thoughtfully.

“Yeah, if she’s out and about with others, especially kids she must be doing okay. I heard that being around kids is a great way to heal emotional wounds and grief.” Haechan mused.

“Yeah,” Jeno sighed and turned his body towards Haechan and rested his chin on his shoulder.

“Thanks for coming to visit me, I mean it Haechan, it really means a lot.” He said.

Haechan smiled out the corner of his eye at him. “You’re very welcome Jeno,” Haechan beamed, “and don’t think this will be the last time either.”

Jeno smiled back at him and nodded. It was reassuring to know that everyone was healing. Jeno knew that like himself it would take a lot longer for the wounds of what happened to heal for everyone, maybe even years, but for him knowing the people he cared about were making progress and working towards happiness was enough. He would also strive for that, for himself, his friends and family but most importantly for Jaemin.

Haechan eased himself up off the floor and held out his hand to Jeno.

“Come, I want to go down to the beach!” He said cheerily.

Jeno took hold of Haechan’s hand and was quickly swept up and onto his feet and then tugged out of his room and down the hallway. When they reached the lounge area Haechan crouched down in front of him, causing Jeno to nearly trip over him.

“Hop on Jeno!” Haechan grinned over his shoulder, beckoning him with his hands to hop onto his back.

Jeno laughed in surprise at Haechan’s offer; he hadn’t had a piggyback ride in years and wasn’t entirely sure Haechan would be able to hold his weight. Regardless, he hopped onto his friend’s back, slinging his arms around his neck. Haechan slipped his hands underneath Jeno’s thighs and hoisted him up seemingly easily.

“Okay, let’s go!” Haechan sang as he jogged out onto the deck.

“Head down that way.” Jeno pointed past him to a set of stairs that led off the deck and down to the beach.

Haechan nodded and adjusted his grip. “Hold on tight, this might get bumpy.” He warned and Jeno could hear the smile on his face as he took off across the deck and down the stairs.

Jeno was jostled by the movement and wrapped his arms tighter around Haechan, his chin bobbing up and down against the top of his head. He giggled and felt a warm sensation flood through his body; happiness.

He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath of the sea breeze, reveling in the calm moment before he nearly slipped from Haechan’s back as he stumbled in the deep sand.

“Woah, that was close!” Haechan laughed as he steadied himself. “Okay forward!!” He yelled enthusiastically.

Forward!” Jeno mimicked, unable to hold back the smile on his face.

It was moments like this that Jeno knew, things were bound to get better.

One step at a time, one breath at a time.