Gryffindor: hey do you have a sharpie? Thanks! *proceeds to draw a face on their banana*

Ravenclaw: do you think I can register a hamster as an emotional support pet?

Hufflepuff: you know, I think the day I was born would be my favorite day of the year even if it wasn't my birthday

Slytherin: I know an old lady who swallowed a fly. It was me. I was the old lady. This is the timeline God abandoned.