I got this image from reading a story about ancient hidden dirty meanings of some dwarven songs and knew I had to write this in its fullness. In this version bilbo is a girl named bilbi baggins.

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Bilbi was running around her nice lovely home in a frantic flurry of aggitation, chasing after her unwanted company that had earlier invaded her home. There she was, just sitting down to a delightful fish dinner when there was a ringing of the bell at her door. Sighing she got up to answer, after all she was a proper hobbit and manners called for her to see who it could be. The moment she opened her door she was greeted by the largest and burliest man she had ever seen.

"Dwalin..." he bowed while looking at her. "..at your service." His eyes flicked down then back up to look into her eyes. She realized suddenly that she was not wearing suitable attire for company. Quickly she pulled her robe closed over her short nightgown, that didn't leave much to the imagination.

"Uh...Bilbi..Baggins..at yours." She couldnt help the blush staining her cheeks as her hands gripped the covering tighter to her small body. He stepped over the threshold into her home, pushing past her as she let out a startled sqeauk at his massive form pushing past her into her own home. When he didn't do anything unbecoming or perverse ..with the exception of his eyes periodically glancing at her , she began to calm down as she watched him settle himself at her table, eating her dinner that she had meticously prepared for herself.

That was earlier...now her smial was bursting at the seams with other dwarves that kept showing up...raiding her well stocked pantry and drinking all her fine ale...along with that pesky no good wizard, who was the cause of all this mess she was in. Bilbi saw one of those infernal dwarves using one of her doilies as a dishcloth , drying his mug with it..gritting her teeth she gave chase...snatching it away from him as she huffed angrily at him.

"Excuse me, that is a doilie, not a dish cloth." She snarled out.

"But its full of holes!" Her eyes glanced over to Bofur who was reclining against the wall watching her becoming more frazzeled by the minute. Her normally well kempt curly hair was now sticking out in different directions from all her frustrated tugging of it and her robe that had been so well tied earlier was now flapping behind her from all the running around she was doing.

"Its supposed to look like that, its crochet." She huffed at him as his eyes roamed over her state of dress..more like undress. She saw his eyes getting a twinkle in them as his full dark mustache twitched up into a half smile as he spoke.

"Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you got the balls for it." She was startled by his smirky remark...~ did he just elude to what she thought he was referring to?~ There was some laughter amongst some of the dwarves at his off remark comment and she blushed...then she realized where his eyes were wandering at. Looking down at herself she saw what he was staring at..it seems in all her flurry of moving about her robes hadopened up.. revealing her thin nightdress that had slipped down in the front a little, showing off her full cleavage to all their eyes. She yelped as she whipped her robe closed around her ..her blush intensifing into a raging fire across her cheeks...he laughed at her as he moved away. She growled at them all as Gandalf came over to her to talk..attempting to calm her down. She noticed Bofur going into the dining room to sit down with some of the others..~ nori, bombur, dori, and gloin..at least I think that's their names~. While she was wailing about her uninvited guests one of them walks up to her with an apologetic look upon his young face.

"excuse me, Im sorry to interupt. But what should I do with my plate?"his smile was sweet and she felt relief that at least one of these males had manners. Bilbi opened her mouth to reply when out of no where the blond dwarf , Fili, grabs the plate from Ori with a mischievous glint in his blue eyes.

"Here you go, Ori, give it to me." suddenly the plate goes flying across the room towards his dark haired brother, Kili, who deftly catches it..only to toss it from behind his back towards another dwarf inside the kitchens.. he caught it. Bilbi couldnt stop the squawk from her lips as she watched her prized dishes being thrown about haphazardly before her.

"Thats my mothers Westfarthing pottery, its over a hundred years old!" her screeches were drowned out by cutlery being pounded upon her table..forming a tempo to the flying dishwares. "Can you not do that,youll blunt them!"her shrill tones were directed at the main instigator of the pounding..Bofur who was laughing at her distress.

"Ooh, d'ya hear that lads? She says well blunt the knives!" his voice rolled smoothly around the room..laughter erupting all around at his words..hinting of something else...something she obviously not knowing about. Suddenly they all began to sing out as her dishes kept flying through the air ..her heart racing in fear for her poor mothers dishes.

Blunt the knives, bend the forks

smash the bottles and burn the corks

chip the glasses and crack the plates

thats what Bilbi Baggins hates!

Even though she was stunned from hearing that song about destroying her heirloom dishes she still noticed a certain look in thier eyes..like it was a hidden joke at her exspense..she pulled her robe tighter around her as she sputtered at them.

Cut the cloth and trail the fat

leave the bones on the bedroom mat

pour the milk on the pantry floor

splash the wine on every door.

She saw them becoming more boisterous as they kept singing and bouncing various dishes off of thier elbows and arms, She wasnt sure if her heart could take it anymore.

Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl

pound them up with a thumping pole

when youve finished, if any are whole

send them down the hall to roll!

Bilbi growled as she saw that blasted wizard enjoying himself..laughing at thier antics..all while she was trying to not tear her hair out over all of this. They were even playing music on thier instruments..but at least they stopped beating upon her table.

Thats what Bilbi Baggins hates!

She couldnt help herself as she rushed into the dining room..pushing men out of her way, only to see to her astonishment her dishes clean and stacked nicely. They began to laugh at her and she huffed loudly at them all...Bofur quickly made his way over to the small hobbit, wrapping a arm around her shoulder as he tried to comfort her.

"There you go lass. All taken care of properly just for such a "comely" lass as yourself." Bofur wiggled his eyebrows at her as he spoke in that accented voice of his. The way he said *comely*made her think there was a meaning to his words and her cheeks went pink as she stuttered out to him as he started to lead her away from the room towards her sitting room.

"W..w..well thats good and all." she sat down , unable to contain her curiosity..must of been that blasted Took side of hers coming out. "I..I couldnt help but wonder...that song. Is there something im missing about it?" he gave her a lopsided grin at her questioning and he raised his eyebrows...looking like he was about to start laughing again. "That song ... you sing about destroying my stuff and yet you didnt. Why? What does it mean?"he did laugh then as the others joined in his mirth. Her eyes narrowed and her back went stiff over thier obvious merriment at what was definately at her exspense. Bofur quickly tried to calm himself enough to talk.

"Well lass..." he chuckled but was finally was able to get control of himself and he coughed while figuring out how to tell her. "You see..its an old song..ancient even." her eyes got excited looking about hearing anything of historical nature..her favorite subject. Her excited trill of ~really~ emboldened him to continue..revealing a bit of dwarven "lore". "Yes. My dear Bilbi, its actually a how to guide that is hidden within song so better to remember." her eyes didnt waver from his..begging for him to ellaborate..while the others began leaving the room..thier snickers could be heard but she ignored them.

"Blunt the knives and bend the forks ~is in referance to groping with hands or spreading of limbs." her eyes went wide in startlement ..maybe she heard him wrong..he just smiled as he kept on." Smash the bottles and burn the corks~ is all about the ending of ones innocence or naivety. Chip the glasses and crack the plates ~ well thats all about giving lip service..if you get my meaning." he winked and gave her a very lewd smile. "Now, cut the cloth and trail the fat ~ is all about making proper sure that they are prepared and ready. Leave the bones on the the bedroom mat~ that part is about the act of it all..the sexy part of it." his bushy eyebrows wiggled suggestively at her as she just sat there in complete shock.

"Pour the milk on the pantry floor ~this is in referring to the part of completion. Splash the wine on every door. Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl ~ tells us to be very vigorous and make it enjoyable for all. Pound them up with a thumping pole ~that tell us to keep it up..keep it going..have stamina. And when you've finished, if they are whole...send them down the hall to roll. ~well thats the easiest part to explain...if done right then you both will be satisfied and can enjoy a nice smoke after. Bilbis eyes were wide and her mouth was hangoing open in utter shock as she just kept staring at Bofur who began to chuckle at her face...snickering could be heard in the other room..then he began to roar in laughter as he fell over. Bilbis face was so red by now that she believed one could read by it in a dark room.

~ this isnt a how to guide ..this is a manuel for perverts.~ she thought~ maybe this was all a joke~..and she held onto that belief whole heartedly. As she opened her mouth to give them all a piece of her mind on thier filthy thoughts...her doorbell rang and the whole house went quiet. In the silence Gandalfs word rang out clear.

"Hes here."