HK Book Review Shop
The City of Angels by @grimintentions

Thank you for your submission, it is really appreciated.

Reviewed on 15.11.23
Reviewed by @hkr_writes

Opening Scene:
🔸Does the story begin with an interesting hook, creating a desire to read more?
The prologue begins art the end of the book where the main character, Vincenza, dies. The writing style in this prologue tells the reader what happens. The best way to fix this is to remember that readers want to see the main character, in this case, Tommy's perspective. However, adding feelings, thoughts, beliefs, fears and dreams would form a perspective.

After reading everything, I still do not understand why the death was shown first. I don't think this was necessary to start it this way. This would have been visible if the characters motivations were revealed after the death scene.

Here's an example from your book:
My worst fears which haunted my sleep and every time a half-hearted promise was made came true. The idea sends chills down my body as Vincenza slumped to the floor.

Vincenza is dying and it's my fault.

Her mouth moved as though she wanted to say something. I couldn't understand a thing she was saying.

A bullet to her chest. A stab wound.

A hopeless situation.

My legs moved on their own, any source of logical thinking disappeared. I'm heading straight into danger, straight into death to hold the woman I love one more time. And I'll do it over and over again if I had to.

🔹Does the manuscript begin in the right place?
Chapter 1 begins at a meeting with a boss and his friends, Sal. I have mentioned in a comment where it could have started better, as far I can recall, that was when the couple met.

Characterization & Motivation:
🔸Are the characters compelling, sympathetic, or someone you can root for?
I can root for Cenza after Elena is kidnapped.

🔹Do the characters feel real and three-dimensional, with distinct voices, flaws, and virtues?
The characters feel flat because there is no motivation or fears in them. Add these in and the dialogue will automatically change for the better.

🔸Are their goals clear and proactive enough to influence the plot (not passive)?
As stated previously, I see no clear goals.

It may be best to look into some plotting worksheets where they show the following:
A character wants something but fears something which stands in the way of them achieving their goal. They try to achieve the goal while avoiding their fear. This does not go well. Something happens which causes them to face their fears and is up to them to go after their goal or maybe they realised that goal wasn't what they actually wanted or needed.

🔹Do their motivations seem believable, with well-drawn and appropriate emotion?
N/A

🔸Are the secondary characters well-rounded and enhance the story rather than overwhelming the story or seeming like they should be cut?
There aren't many secondary characters but again once they are given motivations, they will be easier to root for.

🔹Are the relationships between the characters believable and not contrived?
The character relationships are somewhat realistic. I like the interactions between Salvador and Tommy.

Plot & Conflict:
🔸Are the internal and external conflicts well defined for each main character?
Again, there isn't internal conflict as the character seem to have no visible fears. External conflicts so far is the world, the Moreno gang for now.

🔹Are the internal and external conflicts organic and believable, i.e. arising out of characterization and circumstance rather than feeling contrived or forced?
N/A

🔸Are there enough stakes and/or tension throughout to make it a "page turner"?
Once the stakes are there, it will automatically be a page turner. Think of it this way, a chapter should start on a low end with a question of increase in conflict. It doesn't have to always be this way, but it might be a thing to consider.

🔹Does the premise avoid cliché and/or bring a fresh perspective to an old idea?
The idea of a Mafia romance is a cliche, the characters make it different though. Therefore, a fresh perspective would be given. Once you work on your characters, you could have a very good spin on a Mafia romance. Although, where Vincenza dies at the end, is a very good chance to a typical cliche.

🔸Are the plot twists believable yet unexpected?
None up to Chapter 11.

🔹Do the characters act or react to events in a plausible, realistic, or believable way?
Yeah, except, working on Elena's response to the kidnapping might be better. Looking into PTSD and hidden impacts of trauma. Same applies to Cenza for survivors guilt.

Pacing:
🔸Do scenes progress in a realistic, compelling manner and flow with effective transitions?
The scenes flow well.

🔹Does every scene add to and seem important to the story?
I'm not too sure because I don't know the ending or why Cenza dies.

🔸Does the story move along at an appropriate pace, without rushing or dragging?
Yes it seems fine, executing the relationship of Tommy and Cenza could be improved upon if the relationship forms over time and not a whirlwind unless you wanted it to be that way.

🔹Is there a hook at the end of each chapter or scene that makes you want to read more?
I want to know why Cenza dies

🔸Is the story free from information dumps or backstory that slow the pace of the story?
I won't be able to answer this without knowing the ending.

Setting & Worldbuilding:
🔸Are descriptions vivid and give a clear sense of time and place?
The descriptions could be worked upon, even if you point out details in the description through actions, it would help paint a picture.

🔹Do the details enhance rather than distract from the story?
Yes, some of the details were good.

Dialogue:
🔸Is the dialogue natural and appropriate for the story, not stilted or overly narrative?
The dialogue is well written, I can definitely tell of its Tommy or Cenza talking.

🔹Does dialogue move the story forward and reveal the characters?
It moves the story forward but doesn't reveal character intentions or personalities.

🔸Are characters' voices consistent and distinct from one another?
Somewhat yes. It did fluctuate from slang to formal which I found weird.

🔹Is there an appropriate mix of dialogue and narrative?
Yes.

Craft:
🔸Does the writing "show" the scene with the senses, using "telling" only as appropriate?
This can be worked upon.

🔹Does the writing quality allow the story to shine through and draw the reader in, or are flaws jarring or intrusive?
The writing quality is good, if the plot was worked upon I wouldn't stop reading

🔸Is the tone appropriate and consistent for the story?
Yes.

🔹Is the point of view (and any changes) handled appropriately and consistently?
Yes, I like the dual pov.

Overall Impression:
🔸Is the voice unique, fresh, or interesting?
It's okay and could be worked upon.

🔹Does the story deliver on the promise of its premise and opening scenes?
I struggle to figure this out due to the blurb.

🔸From a reader's point of view, did you enjoy reading this story?
Yes.

Additional Questions for Comment:
🔸Are there any confusing sections that should be made clearer?
The beginning to see character motivations.

🔹Do any sections take you out of the story?
No.

🔸Is the story a good fit for the stated genre, and if not, why not?
Yes but it also goes against norms by making the Cenza die.

🔹Who are your favorite—and least favorite—characters and why?
Antonio...

🔸What aspects are especially likable or unlikable about the protagonist(s)?
Cenza determination

🔹What three things worked best for you?
Dialogue
Pacing
Characters

🔸What three things worked least for you?
Plot
Conflict
Character motivations

Specific Request
Here is an edited blurb:
When Vincenza takes the night shift due to a call off at her family-owned bar, she comes across a man. Someone quite mysterious who holds skeletons in his closet. She didn't expect to be swept off her feet and fall in love.

What came with this newfound love uncovers what lies below the surface of Vincenza Lombardo.

Tommy Vittorio is sweet and gentle towards Vincenza, his line of work makes him into quite the opposite. It didn't start out that way for him. Tommy had only joined the mafia to cover overdue bills, he was a good man with a good head on his shoulders then. The dangerous life ended up pulling him in and he lost the man he used to be.

With Vincenza by his side, it made him nervous. She helped in recovering his old self. That now, he too, had a weakness. His life wouldn't allow room for an 'Achilles heel.' Having to risk it all or he'd end up dead protecting her. Turns out, she enjoys the chaos.

What happens when a trusted persons turns out to be hiding a secret? A secret big enough to cost the lives of others and turn those once close against them. Can Tommy and Vincenza make it out alive on this rollercoaster of a life?

In the end, the mask always falls, sometimes even for those you least expect.

Vs

Vincenza is dead.

Tommy, a dangerous man in the mafia, wants answers for his lover's death.

Here is there life before it was taken from them.

Will Tommy find out the reasons for his lover's death or will he be left remembering her?

This blurb won't work because Tommy already knows the killer.

Overall Review
Your book is really interesting, I'm sure the idea you have had is awesome. However, the execution could be worked upon. I liked the characters but this book would be even better if there was conflict of character interests. Besides that, I'd still keep reading.

Note for the Author

Dear Author,

You may find this review valuable, you may not. However, this is one opinion on your work.

Your book is special as you have spent countless hours creating it from your creativity, hard work, and determination. If your book is a first draft, remember this will need to be edited.

No book, art piece is perfect. And, that's okay.

No one knows your story better than you do. As long as you feel proud of it, consider your book a success.

Reviews can only offer suggestions that could improve your book. Do not take this review to heart.

Trust yourself. You poured your heart and soul into this book, and that is something to be proud of.

Keep writing because one day your book will be someone's favourite.

From,
Harjeet Kaur
The Founder of HK Review Shop