R U H A A N A

"Haaaah!" I yawned, leaving my biology textbook aside. And then I glanced at the clock. 1:09 AM. God, it seems like I have been studying for at eternity and it's only been two hours?

I swear time stops when I study.

I looked over at Myra, still drowned in her text book. "How can you study so much?" I ask, breaking the silence.

She looked up, giving me a lazy smile, "I can't. But I have to. I want to spend as much time with Abeer as I can, so I anyways study lesser these days. So when I have free time, I want to study as much as I can to compensate."

I smiled back, pushing my chair behind. "You really like him, don't you?"

"He's my Prince Charming, remember?" She laughed and I giggled. "But yes, I do. And what's even better is that we're friends since childhood, he knows me, he knows what I like and what I don't even when we were away for all those years. It's the way he makes me feel, so special."

She stared ahead dreamily and I smiled. They were so cute. It'd be so amazing to see them grow together after this, fall in love, be jealous, get married, have their own family one day. Nothing was decided, but it was the way they looked at each other in all honesty. They couldn't stay away for even a few days, no matter what goes wrong between them, they'd always find a way back to each other. They're each other's solace.

I never want to have a fairytale for myself. I just want a love like theirs. A guy, who's your bestfriend before your boyfriend. He'd know when to tease you and when to love you at the right moments. I never wanted a Prince Charming, I just wanted someone who would love me just as much as I would love him. That's all I want.

But in today's world and all the players of today's generation, true love is a little too much to ask for.

"I'm up," I sighed, standing up, "You'd take time?"

"Ten minutes!" She smiled. "Okay, see you outside," I wave, leaving the room.

Studying sucked.

In all honesty, I hated studying. God knows what I was thinking when I decided I wanted to be a doctor. I didn't even want to study to be a nurse. Let me be a patient instead, give me a bed, and let me fall asleep forever.

Sleep was my ultimate bae. After desserts, of course. A not so big secret about me, I loved food.

I entered Aarav's room, where I expected everyone to be. Instead, I just found Ishaan and Abeer glaring at each other, as if going to kill each other. I figured it was something about the fortnite they were playing.

"Where's others?" I asked, entering the room.

"Oh, hi Ruhaana...." Ishan wished.

"Myra's studying," Abeee informed, still focused in the game. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, lover boy. She means people except Myra!" Ishaan smacked Abeer's head. I laughed.

"Aarav and Kaira have gone for a walk," Ishaan told me.

"Walk?" I choked, "That guy was supposed to rest. He's on painkillers and pain suppressants, he's supposed to be in the bed!"

"Aren't you too concerned?" Abeer suddenly looked up at me with pointed eyes.

"Wh-- What?" I stammered. "I'm going to be a doctor. Taking care of people is my job and I love doing my job!" I faked confidence.

I think I should be termed the queen of lies.

"Okay," he shrugged, "I was just teasing you man, you gotta chill. Now go join them for a walk if you want, don't disturb me!"

"Okay," I sweetly rolled my eyes, "Myra's done too. I'll tell your girlfriend you don't wish to be disturbed."

He looked up with wide eyes, then took a cushion and threw it at me which I easily dodged. "Don't you dare tell crap to my girlfriend!" He shouted behind me as I laughed and shut the door behind me, making my way to the backyard.

I assumed they must be in the backyard because well, the backyard of this house was beautiful. Beautiful isn't the right word even. It was right out of a movie, full of fairy lights and wooden furniture and green grass and yellow lights.

I stepped into the backyard to see a sight that was ultimately shocking. Kaira was in Aarav's arms, hugging him as if her life was dependent on that while he had his one arm around her too.

I choked on the air in shock and they moved away as I coughed. "Am I-- Am I disturbing something?"

Kaira's eyes were only on the ground and the bold girl was being shy for once? I didn't look at Aarav, at all.

"Nope," Kaira chirped, "This was possible because of you."

I felt a pit in my stomach.

"What-- What was possible because of me?" I stammered. I had already asked the question but I didn't really want to know the answer to it. My stomach was churning and everything subdue felt hollow and that's the thing with me.

I either don't feel anything at all or I feel everything too much. There are no inbetweens with me.

"Me... And... Aarav..." Kaira said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and I felt a sudden irritation swarming inside me.

"Wow, congrats!" I tried to sound happy like I always do but it came out more like when Ross says 'I'm fine.'

"What are you doing here though?" Kaira asked.

"I-- Just," I smiled. My eyes reached he painkillers crushed in my hand and I hid them.

"And what's in your hand?" Kaira asked.

"It's nothing, really," I hesitated.

"Ruh!" Kaira glared at me, "Give it to me. What is that?" She was almost about to grab my hand and in reflex, I pushed her away.

She stumbled backwards, stunned.

I often do such stupidity when I'm mad and irritated and frustrated and upset and crazy.

"I'm sorry," I said, not meaning it at all. "They're just some painkillers. It was time for Aarav's second dose of medicine, so I thought I'd grab it on the way. But I don't think I need to do that. You can do it now."

I gave her the packet of medicines, turned around, and left.

I could hear Kaira calling me but I didn't stop.

I could hear my head screaming at how wrong it was, the way I spoke to my best friend for a boy but I didn't stop.

I ignored all those voices in my head and went into Myra's room, the only place I knew would be empty.

I took a minute.

Deep breath up.

Deep breath down.

Up.

Down.

Okay. I was good to go.

Pulling on a smile, I left Myra's room and entered back Aarav's.

Everyone (including Myra and out new couple) were there, as if waiting for me.

"Where were you?" Myra asked.

"Yeah, I thought you were joining Aarav and Kaira for a walk?" Ishan chirped.

"I became hungry," I smiled sheepishly, fucking lying again.

Kaira opened her mouth to say something but I glared at her, stopping her right there.

"And you're so thin. Where does all the good you eat go?" Abeer teased.

"Do you want nutrition tips from me or something? 'Cause I mean you really need them. You're becoming fatter every day," I rolled my eyes, sitting on the bean bag next to him.

"Whatever," Abeer snarled. I showed him my tongue.

"So we have all night to go. What do we do?" Aarav asked. I still didn't look at him. In the corner of my eyes, I could feel his eyes resting at me for longer than they should but I didn't look at him.

I hadn't done anything wrong, but it was me who didn't meet his eyes.

And perhaps he deserved this.

Why?

For giving me all the right signs, and then suddenly asking Kaira to be his girlfriend.

Fucking player.

"How about One Question For All?" Myra suggested.

"Again?" Abeer asked, "We played it like two weeks ago."

"Exactly," she rolled her eyes, "Two Weeks Ago."

"Okay baby," He smiled. "Someone's whipped," I whispered to him.

"Just for her," he whispered back. I widened my eyes.

"God you guys are so cute, it makes me want to puke," I laughed and he showed me his tongue.

"Okay, I'll start," Kaira said, "when did you get the best feeling in this world?"

"Don't remember," Aarav passed. I made it a point to not look at him.

"Last year. Sky diving. 10,000 ft above land, the entire city in front of my eyes, cold air rushing against me, adrenaline running through my blood. That feeling of thankfulness for life and how amazing it is, I think was the best feeling in this world," Abeer smiled. I smiled at him.

Wish medical students got time to go sky diving.

"I loved it when I cleared the second year and came first in the city. That smile on Mom's face and Dad being proud to introduce me to everyone, the happiness I felt that all the hard work was worth it. Definitely the best feeling," Myra said.

"Wow, you came first?" Abeer asked. She nodded. "I'm proud of you," he poked her arm and she gave a goofy smile.

"Ruhaana?" Kaira asked. It was my chance.

"Ah.... no!" I smiled, "I don't have a lot of best feelings in this world."

"Something... c'mon," Ishaan persuaded.

"Uhm...." I thought, "Last month, before you guys came back. I do a lot of old age charity work, and I donated money to operate a blind man. And I was there when the operation got over and looking at him look at all colours for the first time, the way he reacted looking at the lights and the trees and everything for the first time in sixty four years of his life, and knowing I could help someone that way. I think, that was the best feeling for me."

"You like charity?" Aarav asked almost immediately. And then I could see the regret all over his face.

"Uh.. yeah," I said, barely looking at him for a split second.

"Wow," Ishaan smiled, "My chance. The worst feeling in this world?"

"When I had to go back to London everytime, without meeting her. The regret, the... everything, when I wanted to see her all trip she would not come back and... whatever you know," Abeer said. We knew he was talking about him and Myra. She put an arm around his shoulder since he was sitting below her on the floor and he hugged her closer.

The fear in his eyes that he'd have to live through it again. That spoke volumes.

"When someone says thy don't like what I have designed for them. Trust me, feels like breaking every bone of their body and making a masterpiece out of it," Kaira laughed. Everyone chuckled, except me. I just have a small smile.

I hated how I was acting like a stuck up bitch.

I have known Kaira since we were one.

She's my bestfriend.

And no boy is worth fighting over.

I have to let this go.

I have to let my feelings go.

I have to let Aarav go.

"When I and Ruhaana," Aarav cleared his throat. My name caught everyone's attention, making my heart beater faster, "When we had gone for the seven day camp when I came back from London for the second time, and it was an amazing trip. When it ended and things had to go back to normal, I hated that feeling."

His eyes caught mine. I didn't look away this time.

I stared right back into his hazel eyes, daring him to look away.

"And you know what I hate?" I said, still looking at him. "When people say and do things they don't mean. They think that it's okay to let others down, to play their emotions, to twist their feelings and then leave. But it's really not okay. And when that happens, and you're even given no right to complaint about it, you just have to keep everything inside yourself, no one to talk to. You just let every pain into your heart and cage it up, that's the worst feeling in this world."

"Then don't," Aarav challenged, "You don't have to keep any feelings inside your heart, whether hate or love. You can speak it out, maybe that changes a lot of things."

Everyone was quiet. I saw Myra and Ishaan exchanging a look and they knew we weren't talking about something they knew anymore.

"To whom?" I whisper shouted. "You guys were never here. Y'all were away. So away. And to Myra? Myra had a broken heart herself. She was so indulged in hiding from Abeer all the time that I couldn't burden her more. And I'm sorry but Kaira was never here. She cared about nothing more than herself and her career. All I had was Ishaan and suddenly Kaira got up one day and decided to tell Ishaan that I like him and make it awkward between us. Y'all took him away too. And Aarav, you and I were lost the day we returned from camp. I had no one, all this while, I was alone so you don't get to tell me to open up to anyone. You were my best friend's, but truth being said, y'all were so much into yourself that y'all forgot me."

"And I can't, you know? I could go around singing about all the hate but I don't want to, when the people who broke your heart are no other than your best friends, that one person in this world who knew you better than anyone else. Y'all were never supposed to do this to me, y'all were never supposed to abandon me. And I'm trying to move past it but I can't when you and Kaira are dating right in front of me, Ishaan and I are barely the same again and well, Myra's occupied with Abeer. Like always," I looked up straight into his eyes.

I took a second as I realised what I had just spoken. I closed my eyes, tight, looking away.

"I'm sorry," I say, opening them. I looked at Aarav, "It's not even your fault really. I'm a little paranoid. It's my mistake. You never told me you mean anything to me, or that we even existed. It was just in my head, all of it. And the talk we had in the evening, I thought maybe, it means something to you too. I was making things up. It's on me, it's not your fault. I'm really sorry, I...." my voice broke away.

I tried taking everything in. I couldn't.

I had been strong for too long.

"I'm really very sorry..." I whispered looking at Kaira and then at Aarav, trying to give them a small smile before I got up from the bed and left.

I left the room.

I left the floor.

I left the house.

I ran until no voices asked me to stop, until no eyes could judge me anymore.

I jogged on the footpath at two in the night, not caring about anything else.

I lifted my hand from my mouth and the tears trailed out.

It's okay, I reminded myself.

I'd get over this.

But deep down, I knew nothing was okay.

I would never ever get over this, and neither would anyone else get over what I had just said or done back in the room.

Nothing would be the same again, and I hated how I was the only one to blame.

I was so selfish.

What had I done?