~ Ezra

"It's gonna be okay." Adam says. "Maybe not today, but someday."
My body is shaking, making my tears fall harder. Ashamed, I can't even look up to Adam. God, I hate the way I feel. I'm never going to stop hating the way I feel. These feelings can't go away. Sadly, this isn't a choice so I can't stop on my own. Every time I tried, I always failed.
"I can't feel like this anymore." My voice is barely audible but I know he hears me. I cant be gay, bisexual, or anything of the sort. I just need to be Ezra.
"I'm sorry." His hand roams along my back. "I know how it feels, to be ashamed, confused, feeling as if there's a war going on in your head. It sucks."
I nod in response. He always could figure my emotions out. He's always the one to help me get on my feet when something knocks me down.
I turn to look at his hazel eyes, his beautiful eyes. They were so warm. I lean in. He looks at me, then at my lips. I do the same. Out lips touch. The feeling is amazing. Our lips conform to fit the other pair. I get closer to him as he moves his lips with mine. Our lips dance together and my body relaxes.
So many emotions surface, unraveling.
Lust
Urge
Need
I push him down onto the couch and start kissing his neck. It feels good to finally do what I've been urging to do. Unable to control myself, I suck on his neck. He moans, causing my nerves to shudder. Our mouths meet again and Adam's hands play in my hair.
     He bites my lips, causing me to moan. My body drops on him and every part of our bodies touch. Gasping, he arches his back. He flips us around on the couch and pushes me down with his body. I was getting hard, fast. As he sets his legs on the side of me, he kisses my neck. He sucks on my skin long and hard, most likely causing a red or purple bruise.
     Wanting to feel his lips again, I bring his head back up to my face. I kiss him, gently. As we kiss, I feel something touch me. He's hard. For the first time, I'm feeling Adam in a way that I've only dreamed of. Uncontrollably, my hips bring themselves up. He moans as he pushes himself onto me, meeting me. We moan together as we go back and forth, kissing and moving.
     I flip us around so that I can be on top of him. I press down against him, over and over again. Still kissing, the volume of our moans are drowned out.
"Ezra." he moans.
His lips are so soft.
"Ezra."
I bring my lips back up to his neck as the pleasure builds up between us. The sound of his deep voice moaning my name takes me over the edge. It feels so good to be against him, with him.
"Ezra, stop."
Out of breath, he pushes me off of him, breaking us apart. He slides from underneath me, leaving me.
"Ezra, this doesn't seem like a good idea. Seems more probable for us to get hurt, and I don't want that."
My heart sunk.
I kissed him. I kissed my fucking best friend. God, I feel like screaming. This is too much for me. Why do I have to ruin everything. I shouldn't have come here. Getting up from the couch, I head for the door.
"Ezra, don't leave." Adam gets up from the couch. "We should talk about this."
I turn around to look at him. "Talk about what? I don't wanna talk about this, Ezra." I sigh. "I'm so fucked up right now. I'm dealing with too much. I can't do this anymore."
"No! Ezra, look at me."
He gets closer to me and I look up.
"You can get through this. The first thing you need to do is just accept yourself." He looks through my eyes.
I nod. He's right. The only way for me to be happy is to accept myself and be happy with myself. But it's easier said than done.
"If you want to talk, we can. We probably should. I'm scared you might do something."
I step back. "Do what?" I sneer. "You think I'm gonna shoot up or some shit?"
Adam's taken aback expression met my frustrated one. He blinks and searches my face.
"Well, what the hell am I supposed to think?" He scoffs. "Every time I see you I don't even know who I'm looking at."
I say nothing.
"You know what? If you don't want to talk to me, you don't have to. I'm not going to force you to do anything. This isn't my responsibility."
"Your responsibility? No one fucking asked you to get involved in anything. I didn't ask for this and I sure as hell didn't ask for your help." I say. "Broken things can't be helped, anyway."
"Damn it, Ezra." Adam sighs and walks away from me. He walks pass me, going to the door key hook by the door.
Grabbing my keys off the hook, he says "Lets go."
"I'm going home."
"Man, Ezra lets just go." He shoves me and I grunt.
We leave the house after Adam yells a goodbye to his dad.
"Is it okay if I drive?" Adam asks.
"Yeah." My hoarse voice causes Adam to look at me.
He gets in the drivers seat and waits for me to get in. He starts the car as I get in the passenger seat. I look at him and he continues to look forward. He nods to himself, whispering that everything happens for a reason and that it'll all be okay.
I turn back to my window and watch the raindrops race down, the same direction that my life is going. All the darkness in my life these days, and the one piece of light has to be the way I felt when Adam and I kissed. God, it felt so good.
"You know, when I first saw you in middle school I thought you were cute."
I look at him with a small smile. "Really?"
Adam glances at me out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah. When I figured you were straight I just decided that I was going to become a close friend of yours."
"Well, you succeeded."
"It doesn't feel that way sometimes." He sighs. "Sometimes I...sometimes I feel like we're not as close we used to be."
I say nothing.
"But that's my fault."
What?
"Honestly, during the past year I have stopped caring about a lot of things. I've struggled to get boyfriends, I'm struggling in school, and I'm struggling with friends." He sighs. Sighing has been a large part of our lives lately. "I've been losing my connection with a lot of people these days and I haven't been trying to do anything about that.
"You call me and when I don't answer you call again. But when it's the other way around, I stop at the first call. Then, you took that break and we hadn't talked in weeks. I wasn't even sad about it. I noticed you were gone but it didn't affect me.
"You've been trying more than I have, and I'm sorry. I really am."
A tear slides out of Adam's eye. I put my hand on his knee, squeezing it. Not once does he look at me. He focuses on the road.
"Adam, where are we going?"
"To the movies." He turns to me, grinning. "We're going to watch Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them."
"Again?"
"Meh, maybe not. I'm broke as fuck."
"Let's just go to the park."
"...after buying cheap pizza."
Without waiting for my response, Adam goes to the nearest pizza place.
"Wait here." He puts his hand onto mine, guiding it off of his knee. He gets out of the car and goes into the pizza place.
I sigh, not knowing what else to do. God, I want to kiss him again. I swear, I can still feel his lips on mine. I bring my fingers up to my mouth, tracing them over my lips. A smile grows on my face.
The car door opens.
"I got the hot and ready pizza." Adam shouts.
He drops the hot box on my lap and gets in the car. As he starts the car, I watch his hands move as they twist the key in the ignition. His long caramel fingers grip the wheel as they steer the wheel. Sadly, this simple action is slightly turning me on.
I'm wrong. It's completely turning me on.
"God, I'm pathetic."
Sighing once again, I open the pizza box.
"Why do you think you're pathetic?" His voice interrupts me.
"Guess I said that out loud."
He looks at me.
"What?"
"What did we just talk about?" he groaned.
"How you thought I was cute in middle school." I smirk at him.
"I was lying." he bluntly said.
"Wow, way to hurt my feelings." I pouted, looking into his eyes.
He chucked lightly. "It's what I do best."
"Trust me, that is not what you do best." I look down at his lips.
"But anyways," he says, biting his lips. "Why'd you say you were pathetic?"
Well if he really wants to know. "I got boner while lookin' at your hands."
"You're being serious?"
"Yes."
"Well," he say, pulling into the park's parking lot. "That's not bad."
I look at him.
"You've turned me on loads of times." He stops the car, and gets out.
"What do you mean?" I say as I get out of the car, pizza in my hand.
"So you know how I'm a voyeur?"
"A person that likes to have a lot of sex, right?"
"No. A person who enjoys watching people do sexual things."
"Oh, yeah."
"Well, remember that day I walked in on you and Jessica having an intense make out session?"
"Yeah..." The mention of her name makes me uncomfortable.
"Well, the sight of you having her pinned to the wall was incredibly hot. You were in a tank top so your arms, which are very nice by the way, were showing. You know how I love arms with veins and they just looked soooooo nice."
I laugh. "I can't believe we didn't notice you walk in."
"I'm not complaining. I went straight home and..." He stops walking and looks around.
"And did what?"
"Let's sit over there on the grass. I'm starving."
"Hmm."
We walk to a shade under tree and sit down.
Grabbing a slice of pepperoni pizza, Adam said "So talk to me. I wanna know everything about when it all started."
I reach for the pizza box to get a slice of pizza but Adam slaps my hand.
"You're not eating until you spill your guts to me."
I sigh, my mood darkening.
"I saw that." Adam says. "I saw the ways your eyes darken end when I mentioned it. You being gay."
"I'm not gay." I snap. "Will you stop saying that?"
"Stop saying what? That you're gay?" Adam raises his voice, copying me. "You kiss boys, Ezra. You get aroused by them. If that's not homosexuality then I don't know what is!"
"Why the fuck do people have to label everything? I'm not gay. I'm not bisexual. I'm not pansexual or what other kind of label people want to slap on each other so there's some kind of divide or difference among them. At the end of the day we all fit under the same shitty category; human."
Adam's mouth opens, gaping at me. "Then why-"
"I'm Ezra. If you wanna call me something so bad, call me Ezra. I'm Ezra, the guy who kisses boys, gets boners caused by boys, and who likes his best friend. That's all I'm gonna say. I am no longer confused by what I am or who I am. I don't need anymore questions."
I sigh for the last time and grab a slice of pizza from the pizza box.
"Well..."
I ignore him and chew my pizza. Going through my phone, I see that Adrienne texted me.
"Adrienne wants me to go home. He wants to talk to me about something."
Adam looks at me, biting his lip. "Uh, okay."
I get up and wipe my pants clean. I stretch my hand out to help him get up but he shakes his head.
"Nah, I might just stay here for a while." He offers me a small smile.
"Don't be crazy. Let's go."
"Seriously, I'll be fine. Adrienne wants to talk to you anyways."
"Adam, you're not gonna stay here by yourself."
"Course not, I have pizza." He smirks at me. "Seriously, just go. My dad'll pick me up."
Knowing this argument isn't going to go anywhere, I say "I'm picking you up. Don't talk to strangers."
"Yeah, okay, Dad."