THE NEED

You know I got so much to say.
I try to hide it in my face,
And it don't work, you see through.
That I just wanna get with you.

***

CHAPTER XXIV

*****

I MELTED INTO the sheets, my arms spread out on either side of me as the bliss from our kiss travelled through every inch of my body. My skin tingled and my heart raced and I asked myself if this was a normal reaction to as simple an action as a kiss.

Maybe it was for some and it wasn't for others. Maybe I had been waiting for this to happen ever since I had set my eyes on him. Maybe I had always known that he was innocent. Deep down, my gut told me he would never hurt me like that, but I didn't believe it because there was no evidence saying he wouldn't and a lot of evidence saying he did.

Evidence which I now knew was forged.

I had to be logical back then, but looking back now, maybe if I hadn't been so logical and instead acted as if I was in a whimsical romance novel, such a small kiss wouldn't have such a big affect on me. As to make me feel like my heart could burst from all the happiness I felt.

Was Daniel 'it' for me? Was he my endgame?

I doubted it, but in the meantime I was going to indulge in the little joys of being with him. The small innocent little kisses and the long passionate ones and the deep strokes and the dirty words. It was only what I deserved. After what I had been through at his hands it was the least he could give me.

He sighed against my lips before pulling away, so his head was just barely over mine. I couldn't see him all that well in the dark, but I liked to have believed that he was staring thoughtfully down at me.

"I need to talk to the guards," he said against my lips, almost like he hadn't come to terms with the fact that he had to part from me. "You'll be okay, yeah?"

"Yes," I said, not having the courtesy to whisper back. I leaned up and kissed him again very briefly before resting my head back on the pillow.

He remained in his position, staring down at me yet it was almost as if he didn't see me. Lost in his own head. I wondered if that was how I looked when I thought hard.

"Don't go anywhere," he said as a final word before he got up and made his way towards the door. I had fully intended to ask him where else I had to go, but kept that question to myself.

With him gone and the rush from the kiss now fading, my thoughts were going a mile a minute. What were we doing with each other? What did the kiss mean? Was it serious or something that just happened in the spur of the moment? Was it going to lead to more kisses?

I turned over in the bed, a frown now settled on my face as I thought. I had so many questions and no answers and I hated that because I hated being confused.

I brought my fingers to where his lips were against mine only a few seconds ago and sighed. Things could change so fast, if you blinked you'd miss it.

I couldn't stay thinking about the broken state of our relationship. It wasn't worth the mental torture. I had to find something to do instead. I needed to be productive.

Setting my eyes on my phone right beside me, I decided to do the one thing I had been putting off since the accident. Sure, it was past twelve at night, but I didn't expect Travis to be the type of guy who slept on time.

It must have been two in the morning in New York now. He must've only now been settling himself down for some sleep. Maybe I should save it for tomorrow?

No, it was either I called him now or I never did.

I scrolled through my contacts a couple times before giving up and searching his name in the search bar instead, then dialled his number.

As the phone rang, I couldn't help the nervous feeling beginning to build in my stomach. I sat up and trained my eyes on the door, so when Daniel came back in, I would know.

"Hello?"

I jumped at the sound of the voice I knew wasn't mine sounding through my ear before I rolled my eyes and realised I was making a phone call.

"Hey Travis," I responded, giving him a second to hear my voice and recognise it. I wasn't feeling like introducing myself right now.

"Araceli?"

Bingo.

I couldn't see him, but in my head he had removed the phone from his ear to check the name of the person he was talking to, just to make sure, before bringing back to his ear.

"Ara, what the hell is wrong with you? I've been calling you all fucking day," he yelled, making me pull the phone away from ear. "Do you know how worried I am?"

No wonder I was nervous about Daniel coming in. If he was here, I didn't think he would tolerate Travis yelling at me the way he was doing even though he had every right to. The guy was worried and I had a knack of abandoning my phone for long periods of time with 'Do Not Disturb' mode switched off.

I couldn't count on Daniel to not take the phone out of my hand and tell Travis to shut the fuck up. In fact, it was almost expected but I didn't want him to know that I was back with Daniel yet. I didn't went any of them to know because they still thought he sold me and I wanted to be in complete control of the moment they found out he hadn't so things didn't go wrong and guns weren't unnecessarily fired.

Every step I took, I had to remember that I was working with highly trained cartel leaders who could end me in multiple different ways and not hormonal young men like I often times made myself believe.

"Do you not speak?" he asked in what I considered a disrespectful tone but I figured he was allowed to. God knows how worried I would of gotten if I was expecting a call from Pablo or Anna or even Daniel and they didn't call and every time I tried to call them, they didn't answer.

I would start thinking the worst.

"I'm sorry," I said the only suitable thing I couldn't think off. I didn't want to tell him about the accident over the phone and I couldn't tell him about my plans until they were executed. If not for my safety but also because Daniel would be on my ass. I may have trusted Travis, but he most definitely did not and I had to respect that because not only was my life at risk but his was as well. "Some things happened and I had to change the plan completely, but I'm alright."

"What happened?" he asked, the anger in his voice now fading into concern.

"I..." I hesitated, contemplating telling him the whole truth only to save myself the conversation we were about to have before shaking my head. "I'll tell you later in person, okay? I've got to go now."

I wanted to end the call because I knew Daniel would be coming back soon and the longer I stayed on the call, the higher chance I had of spilling everything. Secrets were not safe with me.

"God, Ara, why are you so secretive?"

"I'm secretive?" I repeated, flabbergasted. "Half the secrets I hear in a day are—you know what? Never mind. Goodbye, Travis."

"Wait, at least tell me when you're going to be in New York," he said before I could end the call. "Derek's got something for you and I think you'll like it."

I bit down on my fingernail as I thought deeply about it. That was the one thing he was asking for to help ease his worry, but I couldn't even tell him that. There was a reason why Daniel had decided to drive instead of fly and it was so we couldn't be tracked.

If people knew the exact day and time we were going to get to our destination, then what was the point?

"I'm sorry," I began, not missing the groan of annoyance from his side of the call. "I'll be there soon, that's all I can say."

He remained silent on the other end of the call for a couple seconds before he spoke again. "Do you not trust me?" he asked in a small voice, making my heart hurt. I didn't want him to think that any of this was something he caused.

God, I hated being in this position.

"I do trust you, but it's more complicated than that."

On that que, the door was pushed open and in came the one person I wanted out. This was the situation I wanted to avoid at all costs.

If I could, I would've got up and gone to the bathroom but that would only lead to more questions I would have to answer after the act. Daniel raised an eyebrow at the sight of me on my knees with my phone pressed up to my ear, but at least had the common courtesy to not speak.

"You know what? Whatever, it's fine," Travis said, making me sink into myself. I knew he was getting fed up with me. Everyone was and I couldn't blame them because I was making all the wrong decisions. "I'll see you when I see you. Bye."

He hadn't even let me respond before he ended the call, letting me know that he most certainly was not happy with me.

I let out a sigh and shut my eyes tight as I tilted my head down. Was I choosing one over the other? Was I putting Daniel before them? Even though they had taken me in with willing arms when the had no obligation to and helped make me who I was today?

What had Daniel given me in the years I'd known him that they hadn't in two? Was I making a big mistake? Did they hate me now? Travis could've been my last supporter and I could have just lost him now.

"What's wrong?" Daniel asked, reminding me of the fact that I wasn't alone in the room.

He was in the same position he had assumed when he first walked in and his eyes were still focused on me, but instead of curiosity this time, it was with concern.

I gave him a small smile to put him out of his misery and shook my head. "Everything's wrong, but it'll work itself out." I wasn't sure if I was trying to convince myself or him but it was clear that none of us truly believed my words.

Despite that, I didn't care because the last thing I was going to do was open up to Daniel. Sure, he was an efficient, smart guy but when it came to comforting people and all that emotional shit, he was distant.

He kept his eyes focused on me, a faraway look in them as he stared at me with an uncertain emotions. Slowly, he began walking over to me, his footsteps soft and delicate in the same way you would walk up to a kitten as to not scare it.

He took a seat in front of me on the bed, letting his legs go on either side of my body before producing something small from his pocket.

"Take," he said, handing it to me.

"A flower?" I asked as I held the white petalled flower by its green stem. I looked up at Daniel, my heart beating slower at the realisation that he had given me a flower. "For me?"

He nodded as if it didn't mean much and leaned back. "When I saw it, it reminded me of you."

Although it seemed like only a small thing, my heart swelled in my chest at the thought behind the gesture. No one had ever told me a flower reminded them of me. No one had ever been this kind to me.

"No one has ever given me a flower before," I said thoughtfully as I inspected the hundreds of little petals that fanned around the yellow center. "Thank you," I added after realising that I hadn't said it yet. I wanted him to know I did appreciate it even if he felt like it was nothing.

"You're happy now?" he asked as if to confirm despite the huge smile on my face which I thought had been obvious.

His deep brown eyes were focused on me and I realised that they had been ever since he had walked in. There wasn't a point where he stopped looking at me.

"Extremely," I answered, a couple seconds too late perhaps, but really what else was to be expected of me? I wasn't the sharpest tool in the box; that much had been established. "Will you put it in my hair for me?"

He looked surprised at my request, but said nothing and instead gestured for me to come closer. I crawled closer to him, not missing the way his jaw clenched and his pupils dilated while he watched me. I knew why and I hated the fact that it pleased me that I could do that to him.

I wanted to make him hard because of me. I didn't know what I wanted after I did that, but I knew I wanted to bask in the idea of having some form of power over him. He was stronger than me in many ways, but if at least the curves of my body had him falling to his knees in submission, then I was happy.

Did that make me toxic?

I stopped right in front of him, remaining on my knees as I handed him the flower and then leaned in closer. His eyes were no longer focused on my body, but on my face. He scanned every inch of my skin, as if attempting to burn the memory of me into his mind forever.

Slowly his hand came up, caressing my cheek ever so delicately and then brushing through the coils on my head. They were looser because I had just taken them out of a protective style and the length of my hair weighed out the curls, but he didn't try running his fingers through them. He learnt early that it would only be a failed attempt.

I let myself bask in the feeling of his soft touch because I didn't really know how long it was going to last before he went back to normal.

Normal. If only this was his normal and mean, uncaring Daniel was rare. Maybe I wouldn't be doubting the sanctity of our relationship like I was now.

Or maybe I would be; painfully anticipating the next hurtful outbreak. Did it matter if he was emotionally unstable though? Even if it was rare? Wouldn't it be the same situation always?

He was getting better though, but why did that matter when it was all still bad? Why accept something bad even if it was less bad than what you used to get when you could avoid it all together? I didn't need better. I needed good.

Why was I settling for less? Was I in a toxic relationship? That was a stupid question.

"There," he said, his voice despite only being a soft whisper, broke me out of my thoughts. I fluttered my eyes open, unaware of when I had closed them and reached my hand up to feel the delicate petals on the flower.

I liked the texture of them. They were soft, but held a structure of their own. Almost like like the skin of a newborn baby when they wrapped their tiny little hand around your finger. Like human touch.

I missed being touched like I was desired. When Daniel touched me, I knew I was desired. If not for the fact that he liked having me around but at least for me body. At least for all the things I was willing to do just to make sure he still desired me.

Of course, I had worked all this out. The want for Daniel wasn't because I loved him but more rather because I was insecure. He was the only that gave me the time of day and made me feel worthy. And when he treated me bad, I convinced myself that I deserved it because I wasn't worth being treated with respect.

Of course, I was aware of all this now. Back then it was lost on me and it explained my lack of a backbone.

What was the explanation for my lack of a backbone now?

"I wish I knew what was running through your mind," he said quietly, almost under the breath he had let out. In his eyes was a look of longing and I felt almost blessed to see him become so vulnerable in front of me. Did I deserve it?

Yes, I did deserve transparency from him. For once, he was the open book and I was the reader.

"No, you don't."

And he knew he didn't because he didn't push the subject any further. He wiped his thumb just under my eye, removing a fallen eyelash from my face before focusing back on me again.

It was only then when I became acutely aware of all the space we didn't have between our bodies. I knew that I shouldn't have even thought of doing what I was thinking of doing. Not with how confused our last kiss had left me, but then his lips were right there in front of and if I leaned forward an inch, I would be kissing them. That was all I needed.

I pressed my lips to his, cutting off whatever it was that he opened his mouth to say because I unfortunately didn't care. As if anticipating it, he kissed me back almost immediately. He brought his hand around to the back of my neck, the other  hand tilting my chin up as he took full control of the kiss.

My stomach filled with butterflies at the feel of his tongue in my mouth, getting as deep of a taste of me as he could. It had been so long since I had been kissed like this. So long since he had kissed like this, but I could only really focus on the fact that I wanted his tongue between my legs instead.

Gradually the kiss started getting rougher and I found it harder to breathe as it did because he was giving me exactly what I wanted. His hand slipped from my chin to my neck and as he tightened his hold on me the slightest bit, I let out a small moan into the kiss.

He was trying to hold back. I knew it because by now he'd usually have me on my back with my clothes stripped. Now he was keeping himself together by a single thread. One I intended to make sure he snapped.

"Fuck, you're an angel," he muttered as he broke the kiss to plaster smaller ones against the skin of my neck. I knew they would end up painful and bruised the next day as a hickey usually did, but I didn't care because this was all I wanted. I needed the pain that he was going to give me. I was completely fucked up but he didn't judge because he needed this too. "It feels like I'm sinning when I kiss you like this."

I chuckled at the irony of it. "You're the last person I thought would worry about sins."

He pulled away, breathless and rosy in the cheeks. I couldn't help but stare at his beauty as he talked. I wish I had captured the moment to keep with me forever. Saved him like a picture in the pocket of my jeans.

"It's different when it comes to you," he said, removing his hand from my neck and bringing it up to my cheek again. "I don't want to fuck up again. Do something you don't like."

Absentmindedly, his other hand trailed down the length of my body, over my cheeks, past my neck and, unknown to him until it was too late, over the swell of my breasts. As if on command, my nipple began to harden in response to his touch. I broke eye contact with him to watch the brown of my areola peak through the white shirt as my nipple created a small tent in the thin material.

Things like that about my body always fascinated me. I loved how sensitive my skin was becoming because of it and how a zap of electricity travelled down my spine. It did the impossible. It made me feel alive.

Slowly, I let my eyes look back at his again only to see that he was no longer focused on my face but more rather where I had been focused a couple seconds. I watched him watch my body for a while before I spoke up, breaking the calm silence we had managed to create.

"You can touch it – me – if you want," I said, taking his hand from where he froze just under my boob and placing right on top of my breast. "I don't mind."

He didn't say anything in response to me as he delicately moved his thumb over my hard nub, flicking it between his index and middle finger and rolling it under his palm. I bit down on my bottom lip, squeezing my legs together to help calm the ache between them as he continued to play with my body.

It was his after all.

"Your heart's beating fast," he said quietly, almost as if talking to himself. "Are you nervous?" he brought his eyes up from my chest finally, his hand stationary over my breast. "Do I make you nervous?"

Maybe he did, but in that moment all I could pay attention to was the clear evidence of my arousal gathering in my underwear and coating my inner thigh. He didn't make me nervous; he made me horny.

A few seconds had passed because I couldn't think of how to answer his question fast enough. Unfortunately, those few seconds were all he needed before he snapped out of it and snapped his hand away from my body as if I was a pot of burning hot coal.

"Fuck," he hissed, as he gripped his sweats and focused his gaze on my eyes. Except he couldn't even look me in the eyes anymore. "How am I supposed to control myself around you?" he asked although, I didn't think he was expecting an answer.

His pupils dilated ad he looked from my eyes to my chest to my bare legs before meeting my eyes again. The grip on his sweats tightened. I could just begin to see his dick tenting his pants and it took my everything to not reach out and stroke him and feel him grow in my hands.

I wanted him in my mouth so bad.

"No," he snapped, grabbing my chin and forcing me to look up at him once he realised what I was looking at. "Don't do that. Don't tempt me. That's cruel."

The only mistake he made was making it possible for me to look into his eyes, because when I did it only made my words more potent.

"But I want you."

"No, you don't," he hissed  narrowing his eyes as if that was supposed to warn me. I guess he didn't understand that it only turned me on more when he was dominant and had control of the situation. "Stop."

"I want you," I repeated again, not bothering to make it sound like I was arguing with him. As delicately as I could, almost as if to not startle him, I took his hand in mine and pulled him closer to my body. Without breaking eye contact, I slipped his hand between my legs and into my underwear, directly onto my pussy. "I need you."

"Y-you need me?" he repeated quietly, unsurely. Almost as if to make sure.

"I need you, Daniel," I whispered, my voice coming out breathy as he slowly, almost reluctantly started to push a single finger into me.

I rested my head on his shoulder, letting out a sigh of relief at the stimulation I was now getting. He slowly pumped his finger into me, as if testing the water as a shiver travel down my spine every time he entered me again.

Was this how it was like the first time he touched me? Was there this much electricity and this much emotion and vulnerability as there was now? I didn't think so.

"You need me," he said again, this time no longer a question. Steadily, his pace sped up, letting me know that he was no longer trying to hold himself back. "Fuck, you're soaking wet."

I let a low moan, the first jolt of pleasure travelling through my body consequently followed by many more as he continued thrusting into me at a steady pace. Gently. Slowly. As if not to startle me, he pushed a second finger into me, giving me time to adjust first before picking up the pace. His thumb was on my clit and was grazing small circles against me as I rocked my hips in tandem with his movements.

I couldn't help myself. If had been too long since I had had a man touch me the he was doing. Hell, he was the last man that had touched me like this and with all that time away I had grown sensitive to any form of sexual intimacy.

"Fuck," I moaned out, gripping onto Daniel's hair as I squeezed my eyes shut. My heart was beating fast in my chest, heavy against his and I was sure he could feel it too. I was sure he took pride in doing that to me.

My breathing came out short, the sound of my desperate jagged gulps for air filled the silent night along with my occasional whimper. He enjoyed every moment of it.

"Daniel," I cried as he picked up his pace, pushing his fingers in as deep as he could go. "Daniel, please slow down."

"This is what you want," he said to me as he fucked me harder – as hard as he could in our limited position. My legs were spread as far apart as they could go and almost his entire hand was covered with my essence. "You wanted this, so whatever I give you, take it."

I let out another cry, this one from the sweet pain and the unbearable pleasure as the telltale signs of my orgasm built up in the pit of my stomach. It was too late to back out now.

We weren't very quiet. If it wasn't my moaning, it was the wet sound of his fingers entering me roughly. And then it was the sound of his pained groan when I gripped his hair too tight.

He grabbed my neck, applying so much pressure that I had actually lost the ability to breathe for a second before loosening it. I took in a deep breath, tears trailing me cheeks even though I wasn't lacking any oxygen. It was more the intensity of the moment that was making my lungs burn and not the split second Daniel had underestimated his strength and accidentally choked the shit out of me.

I knew he wasn't going to do it again because it had been an accident and we hadn't really talked about it much for it to be safe, but even if he did, I wouldn't completely be against it.

I loved it when he fucked me like he hated me.

"This is what you want, huh?" he asked, his voice taking on a mocking tone as he watched me writhing in response to his touch. "This is what you need."

"Yes," I replied, "God yes."

He chuckled at my mention of God like he usually did and I didn't blame him. I really needed to start leaving God out of this.

"You like that?" he changed up his actions, fingering me with deeper long strokes and rubbing circles against my sensitive clit.

"Yes, please don't stop."

"Stop what?" the smirk on his lips let me know that I was either going to really like the next thing he did or really hate it. "This?" he asked, continuing his long slow strokes, "Or this?" He suddenly switched again, picking up from where he left off as he continued to roughly fuck me.

My eyes rolled to the back of my head, the pleasure so unbearable I could barely speak a sane word to him. I gritted my teeth as I dug my fingernails into his wrist. He didn't make any sort of attempt to stop me.

"Are you about to cum, Araceli?" he asked, this time his voice taking on a more condescending tone. Most likely because he knew he was fully in control. Whether I was getting a release that night was up to him and I knew that.

So as to not give him a reason to spite me and withhold my orgasm, I fought through the overwhelming pleasure in my body and nodded my head. "Y-yes."

"Mm," he hummed in approval, "you'll cum for me, right?"

"Yes." I could only force that out because in that moment, the first wave of my climax began to hit me.

"Look me in the eyes and answer me," he demanded, making me let out a pained cry because I couldn't focus on too many things at once.

I was completely overwhelmed by the pleasure coursing through my body, my muscles beginning to convulse in response to the intense feeling in my stomach, but then he squeezed my neck and slowed down the tiniest of bits and I knew he wasn't playing. He could and would ruin my orgasm if I gave him a reason to.

As quickly as I could, my eyelids flew open, but then that's when the second wave – the actual thing – hit me and I felt my body tense up in his arms. Daniel didn't slow his thrusting even as my walls contracted and relaxed around his fingers.

"Good girl," he said in his usual deep sexy voice that had butterflies filling my stomach. "Show me how much you need me. Just like that," he said into my ears, uncaring of how I hadn't taken a breath in a while and I was on the verge of passing out. "Such a good girl."

I loved it.

I dug my fingers deep into the skin of his arms, tiny whimpers leaving me as my high finally started to wear off. Gradually, my body become aware of its surroundings. More aware than it was before and clarity like no other filled my mind. It felt like I could answer the world's most difficult math question.

"Who are you?" Daniel asked as he slowly slipped his fingers out of me. I almost felt embarrassed for having such an strong reaction to only him fingering me. Would I pass out once I finally got the dick?

I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at him. "Araceli. Do you have amnesia?"

"Who's are you?" he asked this time, the slight difference in the question being so easy to miss, yet it was as clear as day to me. I could see in his eyes that there was only one real answer he wanted and giving him that answer essentially felt like signing my soul to the devil.

But then again, hadn't I already done that a long time ago?

"Yours," I answered after a long minute of thinking. "I belong to you." I said it confidently only because I knew that in the same way, he belonged to me too. I owned every part of him. He just tried to fight it sometimes.

A breathtaking smile that I really couldn't trust appeared on his lips before he leaned down to place a small chaste kiss on the corner of my lips.

"Good girl."

*****

Okay, but like, can I just say how much I love how self-critical she is without being too hard on herself? Like I don't know, but I just feel like she's asking herself all the right questions to develop fully as a person.

Also, some of yall was talking about going to the police when she found her mom dead in a bathtub??? How does that make sense??? She's literally associated entirely with the mafia and her mom's murder was a warning to her from a rival one. Tf is the police going to do lmaoooo

Yall are funny. Although she probably could have called someone else instead of cleaning it up herself, so I'll give you that.

One more thing, STOP BEING ANGRY AT ARACELI AND DANIEL AND WHOEVER ELSE FOR BEING A PRODUCT OF THEIR ENVIRONMENT.

What I mean is, don't start calling them names for literally being traumatised??? I didn't think I'd have to say this, but trauma isn't something that just 'happens' and they move on immediately. I'm not trying to be overprotective over a fictional character, but there are some people with trauma who suffer deeply from it and if they see your comments basically invalidating it, how are they supposed to feel?

And I'm not trying to say that any of you guys are doing any of this, but there are some comments that are borderline rude/invalidating almost and I just want to address it before it becomes an actual issue.

And one more thing, Araceli and Daniel are my babies but ON GOD IF I SEE ANYONE ELSE SHIT ON A COMPLETELY RATIONAL THING ARACELI DOES JUST TO RIDE DANIEL'S DICK, I'M WAGING A WAR.

And the same vice versa.

Anyways, have a lovely day. Next update in whenever the fuck I decide to rise from the dead again. See ya, love ya.

Ommy xx