THE SILENCE

Everytime you dey tease me,
Say you better for leave me.
Make we no turn small thing,
Into bigger something.

***

CHAPTER XVIII

*****

PRIDE WAS ONE hell of a drug. The realisation had come a little too late, but I was thankful for it anyway. At least it gave me a reason for why I said the shit that I said, even when I didn't mean most of it.

I had gotten defensive and prideful, and while some of the things I said I genuinely did believe was right, Daniel had also been right as well and didn't deserve the way I spoke to him. He wasn't a good person, not in the eyes of the law and while he tried to remedy that with some of his actions, people still feared him and they were justified in fearing him. But he had always made it clear to me that he would never — could never lift a finger to hurt me and he had demonstrated it so many times. To me, he wasn't a bad person and I knew that.

I couldn't count on both my hands the amount of times I had pissed him off or done something completely stupid and every time I expected him to do something, every time he didn't. He never gave me a reason to be scared of him and I knew that. I watched him kill, torture, humiliate other people and I sat beside him comfortably (maybe a little bit disturbed) because I knew there would never be a day he would do the same to me.

Maybe it was the bare minimum. It was the bare minimum, but that wasn't what I was talking about. My expectations for him were low even though time and time again, he met a higher standard. That must've been someway insulting.

I guess I had just felt guilty and the way he spoke made me feel even more guilty, so I lashed out. I never thought I was that kind of a person, but apparently I was. Thankfully, I had enough sense to recognise my mistake and attempt to correct them.

By the time I had stepped out of the tub, the water had gone cold. I hadn't realised it until I noticed the way my body shivered in the cold air. I wasn't sure if the air was cold because of the AC or because it was cold weather, but that didn't really matter much. I wrapped the towel around my shivering body and unplugged the tub before making my way out of the bathroom.

Immediately, I set my eyes on Daniel who was lying in the middle of the bed with his eyes closed and his arms splayed out. A part of me considered the fact that he was asleep, but I knew better. This man hardly ever slept.

I made my way around the room, looking for something to wear to bed before settling in his shirt even though I knew I had no right to. I lacked shame though, so instead when I was as dressed as I needed to be, I made my way over to where he was lying down and knelt close to him.

“Daniel?”

“Hmm?”

Happy that he was still awake, I sucked up all my pride and began apologising. “I'm sorry for all I said in the bathroom,” I whispered, watching the way his face contorted at my words. His eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed, but he didn't say anything, prompting me to continue. “I want you to know that I didn't mean it at all. At least, not most of it. I know you wouldn't ever hurt me. Even when the thing with Jorge happened, I knew you wouldn't hurt me. I don't know why I said all that... I guess I just wanted to justify keeping such a big secret from you. I think maybe deep down I knew you wouldn't hurt me if you found out, by I just felt so guilty, I couldn't bring myself to say it to you. And then when I found out you already knew, I felt even more guilty and kind of wanted to make you seem like the villain.”

“I understand how toxic that shit was,” I sighed, looking down at my hands in shame. His silence made the apology so much harder. He didn't didn't try to touch me like he usually did, letting me know that he really was angry at me. “I just want you to know that I'm not really afraid of you. And I do trust you. I trust you with my life because why else would I follow you out here?”

“And I know I said I wasn't yours, but that was a lie. I really do want to be but that's only if you'd have me. Especially after that bullshit that I just pulled. I swear it was all bullshit.” I took his hand delicately in mine, noting how it was still so warm when I seemed to be shivering. The fact that he hadn't pulled away gave me the courage to let go of all my inhibitions and say what it was that was on my mind for the past while now. “I still love you.”

I stayed silent, eyes trained on my thigh as I waited for his response, yet none came from him, making me frown and look up. Still his eyes were closed, a relaxed look on his face before he turned onto his side, effectively pulling his hand out of mine. I believed I had been rejected until I realised that this whole time I had been talking to him, he was fast asleep.

I wanted to be pissed at my situation. When I finally mustered up the courage to tell him about how I felt, he wasn't even conscious to hear it. I really wanted to be pissed, but then my eyes zeroed in on his face and I felt my heart melting in my chest at the sight of him.

He looked so relaxed and at peace, like I had never seen him before. His eyebrows weren't furrowed, his lips weren't pressed together and his jaw wasn't clenched. He was just there, basking in the temporary peace of mind sleep brought him.

I watched him for a second, wanting to keep the image of him like this in my memory forever. It wouldn't be too difficult considering how alike he and Mateo were. It was uncanny.

After a minute, I decided to let him rest by himself. I stood up from the bed and placed a small kiss on his forehead, muttering a small "I love you" that I hoped he heard in his dreams before making my way over to the sofa and curling up into a ball. I didn't think it was the best idea to sleep next to him when he still wasn't aware of the fact that I apologised. He could wake up later on and still think I hated him and that would be so awkward if we were in the same bed.

I hugged ny arms around my body tighter to preserve as much heat as possible before letting myself fade into a restless sleep.

***

I woke up later that evening to the sound of someone walking around the room. The footsteps were heavy and as I slowly peeled my eyes open, I realised it was Daniel getting dressed after what must've been a shower.

I sat up, realising that I was somehow positioned in the bed with the covers over me even though I could remember falling asleep on the armchair only a few hours prior. I didn't need to dwell on it too long though, because the answer came in the form of the man pulling on his black hoodie right in front of me.

“Daniel?” I called uncertainly, not sure what I had been expecting him to respond with.

He faltered for a second, his hands freezing in the air with his hoodie over his face before he snapped back to it and pulled the material fully down his torso. Instead of saying anything, he turned to me, a blank look on his face as he waited for me to say whatever it was that I wanted to say.

Of course, I had nothing really to say. All of the words I had for him last night disappeared in my throat, so that only left me gaping at him with my mouth opening and closing, mildly resembling a goldfish. God, this was embarrassing.

“Yes?” he prompted, his voice cold as he spoke in my silence.

I searched my brain for anything reasonable to say before settling on asking him, “Are we going now?”

He didn't answer me. Not verbally anyway. He only gave me a brief nod which I knew meant yes and then turned away from me as if he couldn't stand to look at my face any longer.

I bit down on my bottom lip and blinked away the tears that threatened to pour out of my eyes. I had no reason to cry. I brought this upon myself. Everything was going well until I decided to fuck it all up like I usually did.

“You don't have to change. Just put on sweatpants.” He tossed a pair of sweatpants over in my directions before making his way towards the bathroom.

“Wai—” but before I could muster out whatever else I wanted to say, the bathroom door had slammed shut, leaving me alone in the room to sit with my regrets and bad decisions. Again.

***

I had freshened myself up before we left; splashed water on my face, brushed my teeth, the usual. Then I put on the pants and gathered whatever was left of my belongings before leaving the hotel room. Daniel had already left and I assumed he was waiting for me, but after I had returned the key card back at the reception and stepped out to not see him anywhere, I realise that he hadn't.

“Boss said you're riding with me,” Jorge said as he walked up to me, making my brows furrow in confusion and my chest hurt.

“Where is he?” I asked as if I didn't already know where he was.

Jorge scratched his head, a concerned look on his face as he looked down at me before looking back at the road. “He went ahead of us,” he said, making me let out a defeated sigh. I couldn't lie to myself anymore. “Is everything alright between you and him?”

“Everything's fine, Jorge,” I sighed even though it was obvious to the naked eye that everything most definitely was not fine. Especially when we had been so loved up only twenty-foyr hours prior. Things could change so quickly. “We need to go.”

Jorge didn't complain and instead opened the back door for me before sliding into the passengers seat. There was already someone in the driver's seat much to my surprise, but then I realised that Daniel would never just let me travel with only one guard. I wouldn't even be surprised if there were more following us as we drove.

The sky quickly darkened as the sun continued setting, giving way to dark storm clouds that let small trickles of water rain down on us. It was nothing that we couldn't manage and soon we found ourselves speeding off down the highway at the dead of night.

“What do you want to eat?” Jorge asked, making me look up from my phone in my hands. I could use it now because we were constantly moving and it was harder to track. Plus, I had it on flight mode. I wasn't sure if it did anything, but it put my little heart to ease so I left it on anyway.

“Seafood,” I answered quickly, thinking about the one type of food I had been missing for the longest time. I remembered growing up and how certain seafood would be the cheaper alternative to meat.

Now it was expensive as hell if you weren't getting it canned, frozen or precooked with a bunch of additives.

Jorge turned in his seat to look at me, his lips set in a frown. “Where am I going to get seafood this late at night? Most things that aren't fastfood are closed.”

I gave him a blank look that clearly showed I wasn't playing. “I'm either eating seafood or I'm not eating at all.”

He continued staring at me, willingly participating in my staring contest until he realised I wasn't going to budge and gave up. He sighed and picked up his phone to dial a number which answered on the third ring.

“What is it?”

The voice that came through had made my heart flutter and my breath hitched. It had only been a couple hours, but it felt like it had been days since I had last heard Daniel's voice not to talk of seen him. God, I missed him so much.

“She wants seafood so we're going to have to delay to find her some.”

Daniel said nothing on the other end for a minute before he finally spoke, his voice sounding colder from the speaker. “Don't waste too much time.”

Before Jorge could respond, the call had ended, leaving him to put the phone down. Without turning back to me, he asked, “what do you want?”

“Anything that has shrimp in it,” I said, not having a specific meal in mind but knowing at least something that had to be in it. “Soup, rice, pasta. I don't care, as long as it has shrimp. And muscle,” I added as a second thought.

Jorge didn't say anything for a while but then I saw his head poke out from the front seat to look at me with curious eyes. “Are you pregnant?”

“What?” I asked, furrowing my eyebrows at his ridiculous question. “No, I'm not. Why?”

“Seems like it's a pretty strong craving, that's all,” he said as he shrugged his shoulder. As if unbelieving, he let his eyes trail down to my flat stomach before meeting my eyes again. “Are you on your period then?”

“If you don't turn around, I'll put you on your period,” I hissed, making him raise his arms up in surrender and face back out the windshield. The other guard, who's name was Jose, only listened to our conversation in humour.

I did get why he would think I was pregnant, but my pregnancy cravings were a lot more specific, I knew that for a fact. Plus, Daniel was the last man I had had sex with and we hadn't had penetrative sex in two years. And if abstinence wasn't a complete reason why I wasn't pregnant, I also had an IUD put in a couple months after I had Mateo.

I was protected on all fronts so unless I was the next Virgin Mary in the making, there was no way.

They stopped at a Korean place that had seafood rice on the menu and quickly ordered it for me before driving off while I enjoyed my dish in the backseat of the car.

I wasn't pregnant, no. Seafood was just my comfort food because it was something I always had with my mom and anytime I had it, it always reminded me of home. This time, as I ate it, I remembered her specifically and how there was no longer a chance of us one day meeting at the dining table to enjoy a bowl of her warm soup anymore.

Back then it was easier to enjoy seafood, because it always brought back warm memories but it also gave me hope. It gave me a reason to believe that someday, maybe when he had both worked things out, we could both enjoy a meal together and talk like best friends again. Mother and daughter.

Now eating seafood only served as a constant reminder that I only had memories of her to cherish. There was no hope; no future. Just a beautiful part of my past that she occupied and I could only relive through remembering. All I had were these fading memories.

In the backseat of the car with no one watching me, I prayed for her guidance.

Like the last time, the car came to a stop once the sun had began rising again. I had fallen asleep for majority of the car ride since there was nothing really to do. Daniel wasn't there to talk to me and as much as I appreciated Jorge, I was too upset to humour any kind of conversation we could have.

Now we were in front of another moderate sized home. It was in the middle of nowhere, sheltered by big tall coniferous trees that reached up and tickled the underbelly of the clouds. Much to my happiness, Daniel's car was parked in the driveway, letting me know that he was also there too.

I had barely waited for the car to come to a full stop before I came leaping out and making my way over to the front door, knowing that Jorge and Jose would be following behind me. There was a bell positioned by the door, but I pushed down on the handle and let myself inside, knowing that he would keep the door unlocked during the day.

As soon as I stepped in, my eyes instantly met Daniel's as he let his eyes run over my entire form. He took his time to drink me in from my legs, past my chest until he met my eyes again. His cold brown eyes focused, unwavering on mine.

Fuck, he was still angry at me.

What did I expect? That he was just going to magically forget all the shit that I had said to him and take me back with open arms? I practically humiliated him. Took his fear and rubbed it in his face. I wasn't a petty person. I forgave people really quickly, but I wasn't sure how fast I was willing to be able to forgive anyone else if they treated me like I treated him.

“Daniel,” I muttered under my breath, ready to beg and grovel for his forgiveness but that was when his focus went from me to the two men that were letting themselves into the house, unaware of the tense atmosphere that they were intruding on.

He narrowed his eyes at them before he took a sip of the golden drink in his glass and relaxed further into the armchair he was sitting in.

“Boss.”

“Bossman.”

They both greeted him, to which he only gave them an acknowledging nod before they both made there way into a different room. They must've been familiar with this place with how comfortable they seemed to be with it already.

With them gone, it left just the two of us and much like last time, I found myself stuck for words as I struggled to find the right thing to say. I knew how I felt and I knew how I wanted him to feel about everything, but I just didn't know how to get it out. I could've just told him that I loved him, that I was wrong and that I never meant to hurt him but the confidence I had yesterday was gone and instead of that was a weak, fragile human that didn't know how to do anything but stare, aimlessly hoping that he would look into my eyes and understand me.

He didn't.

He got up out of his chair and began making his way to a different doorway, but I ran in front of him, stopping him from walking out on me again. “Wait. Just wait a minute.”

I didn't know what I was asking him to wait for, but he still stood there regardless, patiently waiting for me to sort through my thoughts and figure out what the fuck I was going to say to remedy this situation.

“I'm sorry,” I said, going with the most obvious one and it was how I felt too. “I am so sorry. I didn't mean any of the shit I said. I just felt guilty and wanted to pin the blame on you, but I shouldn't have and I know I hurt you and I am so sorry.” His gaze was still blank, making my eyes fill with water but I forced them back because I had no right to the be crying. What was the the point of crying about a situation I was the cause of? What was that going to do except manipulate him to forgive me? “Please, just... I... I...” I love you.

I wanted to say it, but the longer I stared into his cold, blank eyes the more I realised it wasn't going to work. He was done with me right now because I had told him hat I was done with him, so what made me think confessing my love to him wasn't going to lead to him rejecting me? What was my love going to do for him?

He gave me a couple more seconds of his time which I just filled up with silence and hopeless staring before he made his way around me and continued his journey to whatever room of the house he was going to. I didn't have the guts to follow him. At least I had some ounce of shame remaining.

There was a heavy pain on my chest and usually I would just sleep it off, but I had spent the last ten hours sleeping and I couldn't find it in my body to drift off anymore. So I gathered myself together and distracted myself by hanging around the guards the whole day.

***

We had been up from dawn to dusk, guards going and coming as they each took turns to get some rest before we made the last stretch of the journey. One more night and then we would be in NYC. It was hard for me to believe that all I had to do was sleep one more time and then I would be so much closer to Mateo again. Despite my predicament with Daniel, I was elated.

The appeal of New York was slipping from me. There was no longer the agency to get back to my apartment and my 'clients' and my business. I had found a way in only a few weeks to move all of that to my hometown and despite my original dislike of being there, home was better than anywhere else and it grew on me better than NYC ever could.

The only reason I was happy was so I could get all my problems cleared up and see Pablo and Mateo again. After that, I had every intention to go back to SF and continue where I had left off.

Still there were a few things I wanted to pick up in my apartment and then also in my mom's home as well. Of course, assuming that all of that shit hadn't been cleared.

It was around seven in the evening when Daniel had left wherever he was at and shown his face. He stepped into the kitchen, looking refreshed and as if he hadn't a worry in the world and looked over the countless people in it before his eyes found mine.

I searched him for any emotion, but he was so good at keeping that shit away from me. It made me realise that all the times he had been vulnerable with me and let me read him, it was on purpose. He allowed himself to show emotions.

And I took that and threw it in his face.

“You're coming with me.” That was all he said to me before he made his way back out the door.

I quickly slipped off the barstool I was sitting on and went after him, not bidding goodbye to anyone in the room as I worked my legs to meet up with his long strides. At five feet nine inches, I was by no means short but that didn't make Daniel any less of a giant with a massive stride length at six feet three inches. Mateo was going to be an NBA player when he got older.

“Daniel, wait,” I called out to him, making him stop as he reached the front door. He didn't make any move to step through it. “Why am I going with you?” I asked as of it wasn't the best news I had received all day. Still I wanted to know.

He turned the handle and held the door opening, gesturing for me to step through which I did as he followed after me.

“As soon as we reach New York, we're going to see Derek and Morgan to get it out of the way,” he answered as he led me towards his car.

“Oh.”

Despite the fact that he was still angry at me, he still held my door open for me and beckoned me to get in before slamming it shut once I was in. I waited for him to round the front of the car and slide into the driver's side before I asked him my next question.

“After that, can we branch at my old apartment so I can pick up some of my stuff?” I asked, to which he turned to glance at me for a second before focusing his attention on starting the car and driving out of the house's driveway. I narrowed my eyes at him before looking down at my hands and muttered under my breath, “If it's not a no, it's gotta be a yes.”

He let out a brief breath of laughter and for a second, my heart stilled before I realised that he had laughed at me. My whole body came back alive, but I knew better than to point it out. I was going to let him slowly get less and less angry at me before I did anything else.

I would give him his space.

*****

I wanted to give you guys some form of hope in that last part. No, your favourite couple isn't splitting up. Yet...

Anyways, am I the only one who's got baby fever??? Like damn catch my dumbass giving Araceli a baby again.

JOKING lmao I won't do that... yet.

Anyways, I don't really got anything else to say. But I guess I should tell you that I posted Morgan and Derek's book up with aesthetics and while there are no chapters up of yet, I do plan to change that.

I had like twenty chapters written and was halfway through the book on my old phone but then the dumb thing broke and i lost everything. So yeah, now I have to start again and it's so hard when you're starting a book again. The good thing is that I've got the plan on my laptop so I'm good.

Anyways, hope yall liked this chapter. The next three chapters are going to be hella juicy so appreciate this calm one and then strap yourself in.

Also, next week I'm posting two chapters because they go together. One is obviously in Araceli's pov but the other one is in third person and it follows Daniel so I guess prepare yourself for that.

ALSO ONE LAST THING lemme put you on some afrobeats rq search mad by sarz x wurld. It's where I got the above song from and you're gonna love it.

Unless you don't.

Then take your bad taste somewhere else 😐

Lmao I'm just joking man I play too much. Anyways see yall next week.