THE EMOTIONAL

I've given
What I have
I showed you
I'm growing

***

CHAPTER XLVI

Warning: mentions of r*pe and s*xual ab*se. Please be sensitive about how you approach these topics in the comments. Any rude or disgusting comments will be removed.

*****

“PABLO, CAN I talk to you?” I asked as I walked into his living room, making him look up from where he sat on his laptop with a book open in front of him. He seemed to have been engrossed in it before I came but now, he closed both the laptop and his book and gave me his undivided attention.

“I thought you didn't like coming to mine,” he said, making me roll my eyes as I slipped the spare keys for his house into my bag.

“You're right. I don't because it's drug infested,” I said accusingly as I made my way across the living room to sit opposite him.

“Take a look around,” he said, holding his arms up as he gestured to the surprisingly clean living space. “I cleared it out just for you.”

“You cleared it out because of me or because the next shipment hasn't come in yet?” I asked, making him shrug his shoulders as if he didn't know even though we both knew the answer.

Pablo wasn't an avid drug user. He did a little here and there. Mostly weed although he did try that little pill that people took at parties and almost died of a heatstroke so that was enough to put him off most narcotics. Still wasn't enough to stop him from selling it to these big gangleaders despite the fact that he knew it would just end up being sold to people in our neighbourhood. His house was like a base of sorts for packages that needed to be delivered although Pablo wasn't the one that did the delivering. That wasn't his job.

“Why did you want to talk to me?” Pablo asked, his eyes holding a curious glimmer. “I doubt it's because you missed the sound of my angelic voice.”

“I actually quite hate the sound of your voice,” I said, shivering in disgust. “Reminds me of nails on a chalkboard.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever, what is it?” he asked, clearly getting tired of my incessant insults. It was crazy to me how we always seemed to be going back and forth, not one of us getting tired of it. I assumed one day we would both get fed up.

“You remember that thing I talked to you about the other day?” I asked, making his brows furrow before realisation dawned on his features and he nodded his head, a knowing look now on his face. “Have you done it yet? How did it go?”

Pablo huffed and leaned back in his chair, the exhaustion he felt now obvious. “The doctor said I might need to redo the surgery,” he said much to my surprise. I hadn't actually expected for this to happen; for Emma to be right. Pablo could really be the father of this child she's pregnant with. “I got it done when I was too young so it healed as I grew,” he admitted, shrugging his shoulders without fully knowing the implications of anything. “It's alright. I'll be fine.”

“You're not at all worried about...” I trailed off, not knowing how to ask him if he was concerned about being a father. Especially since I knew how much he didn't want children. He was good with them, yes, but ultimately, Pablo didn't seem to have a fathering bone within him. He seemed content being only the cool uncle.

“About getting someone pregnant?” he asked before laughing and shaking his head. “Sure there was sperm in the sample but it was too small of an amount to realistically get anyone pregnant. Plus, Emma is on birth control,” he shrugged, immediately defaulting to Emma because she was really the only girl he had in his life.

I couldn't help but frown at the odds. Emma seemed to be carrying some sort of miracle baby.

“Well, as long as you know what you're doing,” I said, quickly gathering my stuff but he wasn't done with me.

“How did you know?” he asked, making me look up from my handbag which I had just swung over my shoulder.

“What do you mean?”

“Don't play dumb, Ara. I know when you lie.” It seemed that everybody knew when I lied. I was starting think that I was just bad at lying at this point. “How did you just conveniently know that my vasectomy reversed itself?” he asked, making me purse my lips to the side.

I turned my gaze to the bag, looking for the leaflet I had picked up for him just so he couldn't look me straight in the eyes as I lied to him. “I saw an article of a man with a kid after a failed vasectomy,” I lied smoothly, making sure not to add too much to it so he wouldn't call my bluff. I looked up from my bag with a small cocky smile, pamphlet in hand before I pushed it over to him. “It made me think of you.”

I made to get up before a thought came to mind and instead I found myself sitting again. He raised a brow at me in surprise of my actions not hiding the way he simultaneously tossed the pamphlet about reproductive health into the nearest trash can.

“Can I help you?”

“I just wanted to know if you've heard from Daniel?” I asked, unable to mask the concern in my voice. “I talked to him a couple days ago but now it's been nothing. Is he okay?”

“He's back,” Pablo admitted, making me furrow my brows in confusion. I wasn't sure how his words made me feel. He was back and I hadn't been made aware? For how long? And why didn't he tell me? “He's um...” Pablo trailed off, scratching the back of his head as he struggled to find the right words to say. “He's going through something right now.”

“What? What happened?” I asked, my worry for him already evident.

“You should go see him,” he said instead of answering me. “He didn't want you to see him because he didn't want to bother you with his problems but I think it'd be good for him to talk to you. He has some things he wants to tell you anyway.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to decipher what it was he knew that I didn't before giving up. Why bother when I could get the truth right from the lion's mouth?

“Thank you, Pablo,” I said, getting up from my seat and making my way towards the door. He followed behind me, wanting to walk me out but as I opened the door to walk out, I immediately set my eyes on Emma who was about to ring the bell to Pablo's home.

I gave her a small smile, not wanting to be anywhere near the vicinity when Pablo found out that he may just be a father although I doubted she would tell him. As I walked past her with nothing but a head nod directed her way,  I could tell she was extremely nervous. Instead of dwelling, I made my way to the car and drove straight to Daniel's apartment complex.

***

I stood in front of Daniel's door, somehow nervous to press the doorbell for reasons unbeknownst to me. Daniel didn't make me nervous, but I was reluctant to find out what he wanted to say to me and what may have happened to him that made him withdraw from me. Instead of overthinking for too long at his doorstep, I rang the doorbell, feeling my heart jolt at the sound of footsteps shuffling on the other side.

Despite my nerves, I was very excited to see him. It had only been two weeks. A little less than even but I missed him so much.

The door quickly swung open, revealing to me Daniel's familiar face which did not look in anyway surprised to see me. He probably had guards positioned outside that alerted him of my presence.

We both stood in front of each other, allowing us to take the time to reacquaint ourselves with each other again. Daniel looked... tortured to say the least. He looked like he hadn't slept in days despite also looking like he had only just got out of bed. His usually curly hair was now a tousled mess, the shine now missing from his tresses. His brown eyes, despite always been dark and cold were as expressionless as ever. Just looking at his usually expressive eyes revealed to me how empty they were today. Like he had nothing left. Underneath his eyes were deep eyebags, telling me of his lack of sleep and his usually tan, healthy skin seemed paler. Like he hadn't seen the light of day in a while.

“Daniel,” I said quietly, making him bring his gaze up to meet mine finally, “Daniel, what happened?”

“You know where I live?” he asked, making me frown as I placed my hand on his cheek to analyse his face properly. He didn't look well at all.

“I've always known where you live, my love,” I said casually as if it didn't make me sound like the worst kind of stalker to ever walk the planet. “How are you? Have you been taking care of yourself? Have you been eating?” I asked to which he just sighed and pulled me closer to him.

Gently, he placed his forehead against mine and spoke. “I've been trying,” he answered quietly before taking my hand in his and leading me inside. “Come in,” he said, closing the door behind us and allowing me into his apartment.

I hadn't ever been in here before so the interior decoration took me well by surprise. His apartment had two floors. The first being a large open plan sitting room with a large kitchen beside it and the second floor overlooking the sitting room and branching into doors which I assumed were the bedrooms and bathrooms.

“Do you want something?” he asked from the kitchen, making me turn to him as I shook my head. I didn't want to bother him by making him prepare something for me to have.

He walked into the living room with a glass of water which he had surprisingly handed to me when he reached me. I guess he was just one of those people who couldn't let their guests go without something in their homes.

“Sit,” he said, gesturing for me to sit on the black leather two-seater before sitting beside me.

I wasted no time in asking him the question that had been plaguing my mind as soon as he had assumed position beside me. “What's wrong?” I asked yet unsurprisingly, Daniel only kept silent, his eyes trained on the far wall and his lips pulled into an uncertain frown. I knew he wasn't keeping to himself because he wanted to keep things from me but because he just couldn't find the words to talk to me. I understood that. “It's okay if you don't want to talk about it,” I admitted, making him look over to me with almost hopeful eyes. He seemed almost happy that I understood his silence and didn't take offence to it. I only smiled and took his hand in mine to show my support. “I just want you to know that I'm always here for you. And I'm always going to be here for you whenever you want to talk. You can come to me.”

He peered into my eyes with silent curiosity before looking down at our intertwined hands, his hand squeezing mine slightly as if to make sure I was really there.

Without looking up at me, he asked, “Why do you love me?”

I sat, taken aback, my mouth falling open before closing again like a fish out of water. “I'm going to need at least a weeks notice before you ask me that,” I managed to muster up but he only looked at me, a dead serious look in his eyes that told me he wanted an answer from me. An answer I didn't have. “I don't know, Daniel. I just do.”

He narrowed his eyes at me, making me feel like I was being scrutinised by him. It wasn't like I didn't spend countless nights awake trying to figure out the answer to the question he had just asked me. Finding out what it was exactly that made me love Daniel was something that plagued my mind constantly because Daniel wasn't the usual man people fell in love with.

“Do you regret it?” he asked, making my mouth fall open again. This time my heart hammered in my chest because I didn't want to even think about the possibility of me regretting this. All the pain and heartache all for me to regret it in the end. What a waste. “If you could go back in time, would you do it again?”

“I've loved you for a really long time, Daniel,” I said, feeling the urge to remove my hand from his but keeping it with him anyway. “If I were to go back, ultimately, I would make different decisions but I don't think anything about you and I would change. I would still give anything to be with you at this point,” I admitted, sighing at my words. It seemed like I had learnt nothing, giving it all up for love but this love that I had with him seemed so much more worth it than the beginning of our relationship. “All I know is that the heart wants what it wants and my heart wants you.”

“But your head isn't telling you to run away?”

“My head's telling me that someone who's willing to compromise and sacrifice so much just to make sure I'm happy isn't someone I can easily lose. Even if he does make dumb decisions sometimes,” I said unable to help the way my heart skipped a beat at the sight of his lips gently turning upwards at my words. “The solution to our relationship problems is simple and I know we can both work through it together if we both try. My head tells me we have problems, but my head also tells me that we've grown enough to solve them.”

Daniel watched me thoughtfully, his full lips pulled in a frown before he turned his eyes to the glass of water in my hand. It reminded me of how I still hadn't drank anything from it yet.

After a minute of silence, he finally spoke again. “I found her.”

“Found who?” I asked confused as I turned to look at him.

“My mother,” he said, not meeting my eyes as he instead stared into the distance. “I found my mother.”

“Is that where you've been all this time?” I asked, finally putting the pieces together. She was the thing he had lost long ago that he went to find. His mother. He only nodded his head, making me smile as I clasped his hand tighter. “How is she doing?”

“She died two days ago,” he confessed, leaving me at a complete loss for words. I didn't think there was a way you could truly warn someone for that yet I hadn't expect his words to be so blunt.

“I'm so sorry, Daniel. I didn't—” I cut myself off, finding that there was no point in telling him that I didn't know. Of course I didn't know and he wasn't expecting me to. “Where did you finally find her?” I asked, making Daniel's jaw clench in obvious anger.

“In a psychiatric clinic,” he said, making my jaw drop at his words. It just seemed to get more and more confusing the more he answered my question.

“A psychiatric clinic?” I repeated, doubting that I had heard him right, but he only nodded, confirming that everything I had heard had been said by him. “Was she okay?”

“She was,” he nodded. “She was sane before Lucien put her there but after being drugged every hour of the day...” he trailed off, leaving room for me to imagine just how that had probably affected her mental health after.

“Lucien put her there?” I found myself asking, either intrigued or completely disgusted from every little detail I was finding out about this story. He only nodded again, making my face scrunch up in disgust. “What the hell?”

“He wanted to punish her,” Daniel said coldly, his emotions switched off as he reiterated the story to me. “She tried to divorce him and take full custody of me once she found out that his affair with Emma's mother had resulted in Emma, but to punish her he sent her to solitary confinement in his friends mental institution before realising that she wasn't able to assimilate back to society anymore and abandoning her there.”

“Oh my God,” I said in absolute disgust, unable to help the way my heart beat hard in my chest for the suffering the poor woman must have went through. God knows how long he had left her in that horrible place before coming back only to find out that he had broken her far beyond repair. And to think instead of remorse, he only tossed her to the side like a used toy and got himself another one instead. How could people be so heartless?

“You want to know the really funny thing?” he asked with a chuckle, yet it wasn't lost on me that neither of us found any part of the situation funny at all. Still, he spoke. “It's the same place he sent me to after I had tried to kill myself too.”

“So...” I began, trying to piece everything together, “you were in the same building...”

“At the same time and I didn't know any better,” he laughed but it was obvious to me that he was only laughing because if he didn't, he would cry. I could see what he found funny about the situation but I knew deep down, he was hurting so badly. There was no amount of laughter that could hide from me the pain Daniel felt right now. The pain and hatred for his father was evident.

“I am so sorry Daniel,” I said in the only way I knew how but I think he only really needed to tell somebody before he went off the handle and did something crazy - like kill his own father. Not like the whole world wouldn't benefit from that.

“I'm just happy I met her before she died,” he confessed, finally letting the sadness he felt show. “It was like she was holding on to see me again before she finally let go.” He then turned to me, an apologetic look in his eyes but all I could really focus on was the way they seemed to shine glossier with tears he was yet to shed. “I'm sorry I ignored you but the last three days I spent with her were the happiest I've ever been since I last saw her. Even if she couldn't recognise me.”

Daniel's voice cracked on the last sentence and my heart finally broke for him in my chest as the tears he had been fighting back for so long trailed down his cheek. I couldn't imagine how difficult it must have been for him to lose someone he loved so dearly. When I lost my mother, I was shattered and our relationship had been in shambles. His relationship with his mother was still so innocent and pristine yet it had been so abruptly taken from him. The fact that he had been there to spend her last moments with her and yet she couldn't even recognise him as her son must have broken him. And for her too. To hold on only to see one person and yet not be able to recognise him. My heart bled for the both of them.

“Oh my love,” I said gently as I pulled him to me, allowing him to cry on my shoulders as that seemed to have been the thing to do it. The fact that I didn't shun him when he allowed himself to be vulnerable in front of me just made him cling to my harder, his hands balling my shirt in them as he buried his face in the crook of my neck and held me as close to him as possible. He was almost squeezing me to death with how tight his embrace was but I figured he needed it. I only let him cry and mourn not only his mother but the caring relationship he had been robbed of because of his stupid fucking father, the idiot.

If I could kill Lucien, I would but I figured it was up to Daniel to make that choice. I still wasn't sure just how close they were even though they seemed distant enough. By now I was confident that Daniel had spent the first few years of his life only knowing his mother. Whether or not Lucien was in the picture but again that wasn't up to me to decipher. I just let him cry and for once I wiped his tears away instead of him wiping mine.

***

“Daniel,” I found myself calling his name after an hour had passed of us just embracing each other. By now we were lying on the floor, Daniel's head rested against my boobs while I gently played with his hair, curling each individual loc around my finger. He hummed his acknowledgement, making me take in a large breath despite his heavy ass head on my chest. “Can I ask you something about the past?” He looked up at me, his eyes now curious as he nodded, making me muster up the courage and ask again, “Why did you attempt to kill yourself when you were sixteen?”

“Do you really want to know?” he asked, squinting his eyes at me as if to figure if I was being honest with him when I answered.

I only shrugged, showing him that it wasn't a big deal for me if he didn't want to tell me just yet. “Only if you're ready to tell me,” I said on par with my thoughts.

Daniel let out a small breath before resting his head back on my chest, his hands wrapped tightly around my stomach before he spoke. “I was raped.”

My breath hitched in my throat as his words, my heart stilling for a while before I finally collected myself and stared down at him in surprise. He was what? “You... I—what? I never knew,” I said, fumbling over my words because I didn't think there truly was anything I could say that could make what I was hearing much better for him.

“You don't know everything about me,” Daniel said in a light tone that had me wondering how he could be so casual about something so fucked up before realising that it was probably his way of coping with it. Diminishing what had actually happened. “I usually can't get it up when I'm as out of it as the drugs make me, but they must of slipped something in there because it just kept on going,” he said, the humour in his voice slowly fading away as he must've remembered what he had passed through. “And then the next day, pictures and videos of what happened spread everywhere.”

“But they'd have to have—”

“They didn't,” he said, cutting off what I was going to say before I could even say it. They'd have to have know that he wasn't willing. That he wasn't consenting but according to him they didn't. Or maybe they did and just didn't care.

“You didn't tell them?” I asked but Daniel only let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Don't act as if you don't know the times back then,” he said, bringing me back to reality. Male rape survivors were only beginning to be talked about and this happened a good ten years ago. “I had to sit there and pretend I enjoyed it; pretend I wanted it while Morgan and her friends hurled insults and abuses at me everywhere I went.” Morgan had been his girlfriend at the time, so of course she would think he cheated and hate him without fully knowing the whole story. “You don't understand how that felt like, Ara. Feeling like the whole world is against you. Like you're alone while feeling inadequate and like you're less of a man for being taken advantage of. It wasn't even the rape that made me want to end it. It was how I was treated by everyone after that. Every one loved Morgan and when they found out that I "cheated", I was constantly attacked, belittled and humiliated for something I didn't even want. Something I couldn't even come out and say I didn't want because then everyone would think I was less of a man. That's what made me think there was no point in living.”

“She had to have known,” I said regarding Morgan as I struggled desperately to find at least some positive in this fucked up story.

“She figured it out eventually,” Daniel said with a shrug like it didn't matter. “But when she tried to talk to me, that was when the car came out of nowhere and I couldn't find it in myself to move. That was when I realised I really didn't want to live anymore. I survived, but I attempted again in the hospital so Lucien sent me to the psych ward. Only problem was that his friend was the owner and he did everything that Lucien wanted him to do.” I couldn't help but suck in a deep breath at that, already noting that I wouldn't like where the story would go. Nothing good ever came from Lucien. “And Lucien wanted him to send between three to five prostitutes into my room at night and force themselves onto me until I finally got "better". I didn't stand a chance,” Daniel chuckled but I only grimaced at how that must've felt for him. Maybe I was weak but if I was raped night after night to try and "heal me" I would just kill myself.

“How did they expect you to get better?” I asked angrily, not fully expecting a response from him yet I got one anyway.

“By taking back control,” he answered simply. “Instead of them fucking me, I fucked them. So that's what I did.” He remained quiet but I knew better than to think he was done. “They're all dead now if you're wondering.” I wasn't but I appreciated the information. “Each and every one of them, I had gone after and killed with my bare fucing hands. Including the bitches that had drugged me in the first place. Everyone died a slow, brutal death.”

“Daniel,” I sighed, a frown on my face at his words. “I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I—”

“Don't be sorry for me,” he said flippantly, cutting me off. “It happened years ago. I should've let go by now.” He said nothing for a couple minutes, only staring far into the distance before he said quietly under his breath as if trying to convince himself and no longer me, “it's nothing.”

“It's something, Daniel,” I pressed, not wanting him to invalidate the way he felt about any situation he found himself in. It was different when the whole world did it, but him too? I supposed I couldn't blame him though. None of this was at all his fault and I wanted him to know that. “Daniel, look at me.” He lifted his gaze finally until his eyes met mine, not hesitating to give me his undivided attention. “You're not any less of a man for having trauma. You're not any less of a man for being violated. You're not any less of a man for not liking your violation, do you understand me? I don't care what anyone else had told you.”

He said nothing, but I hadn't expected him to any way. “Your anger and hatred for all the people that betrayed you and hurt you was and still is justified. No matter who the fuck they are. They went against your consent and that's not right. Nobody has more right to your body than you do, do you understand? And when someone goes against your own rules, you are not a wimp or a pussy or whatever that little bitch, Lucien, thinks you are for being upset and reacting to it. You are a normal human being with normal human emotions and you are allowed to express that.”

I sighed at his silence and gently raked my fingers through his hair, revelling in the way he had fully relaxed against me at my touch. “You were backed up into a wall, my love,” I said calmly, letting my anger at everyone who had failed him in his life dissipate. “Tortured and blackmailed by the one thing that gave you nightmares just so you would conform. You have every right to hold resentment towards all those people and I don't care who says otherwise. If anyone tries to say shit to you for being a normal fucking human and having emotions, you bring them to me, okay?”

“Okay,” he whispered in such a tone I didn't even know he could muster out of him. It sounded so vulnerable and broken, two things that I never believed Daniel could be.

All this time he had been carrying this burden. The need for control at all times was only the tip of the iceberg. Underneath all that was a complex mountain of trauma and hurt and resentment for all the people close to him that he had just been holding back. Thank God he was he seeing a therapist now. Thank God for Pablo.

“You're hurting,” I said almost to myself in realisation before looking down at him again. “All this time, you've been hurting.” He didn't say anything and I didn't expect him to, not when my tone had come off almost as if I was accusing him. I wasn't and I didn't want him to think I was either. “I'm always here for you, you know that?”

“I know,” he said, his voice still trembling as the tears from his eyes trailed down and wet my stomach.

“Don't hold this shit in anymore,” I said, holding his head up so I could looking into his eyes and dry his tears away. “When you're hurting, talk to me. Talk to Pablo. We're not just figureheads in your life,” I sighed, giving up on wiping away his tears because it seemed like the more I did, the more they came out. When I let go of his face, he only buried his head in my stomach. “Talk to me, my love.”

“I will.” After a moment of silence and with the river trailing down his tan cheek now drying, he spoke up again. “Does it all make sense to you now?” he asked.

“Yes,” I answered, now finally connecting the dots. “Everything makes so much sense now.” Everything was now falling into place ans his behaviour in the past was finally clicking. The way he avoided sleeping because it scared him. Because sleeping was what he was forced to do when he got taken advantage of. The way he never wanted anyone touching him, the way he always wanted to be in control especially of me when he began our relationship. Everything made so much sense.

“I'm sorry you had to suffer for something that you didn't even do to me,” he said, now looking up at me so I could see the sincere look in his eyes as he apologised. He now hovered over me, my legs propped up and him between them but he made no move to touch me. “If I could go back in time and take back everything I said and everything I did and treat you the way that you deserve to be treated, I would. I was healing, I know, but you didn't deserve to play the part you did in my healing journey. You shouldn't have been the one to lose the most just because I was damaged inside. I'm so sorry, Araceli and I know there's nothing I can say or do to take back what I had done to you, but even if you take me back or not, I'm working from now to my last day on earth to make it up to,” he said before finally placing a kiss on the palm of my hand.

My heart fluttered in my chest and tears welled in my eyes at his words. I had forgiven Daniel a long time ago because I could see back then that he was growing and changing for the better, but this apology was one I didn't know I needed. My feelings and struggles from being with him felt so validated by his words and every word that left his mouth was coated with the utmost sincerity. This was it. This man really loved me like that.

“It's okay,” I laughed through the brimming tears as I tried to blink them away. “I forgive you.”

I had never seen Daniel smile so wide and when he did this time his eyes lit up with the happiness he was finally feeling. “Thank you,” he said as he leaned down to my level. I hadn't even waited for him to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me so our lips finally met, a soft sigh escaping me at the feeling of his hands caressing my body.

I missed this so much, but now it only would get better.

***

Not me about to get a job again at FUCKING MCDONALDS FOR A GUY. I say no. I must STAND UP.

Chile, anyways, I'm going to need an apology from every single one of you guys who shat on Daniel and Araceli at the beginning. Right now. Start handing them up for me to grade them because I bet yall didn't see this coming.

Also, like the note at the beginning of the chapter, any comment I see diminishing male rape survivors will be DELETED and MUTED. Please, if you value having access to my account (which idk why you would anyway) do not try and diminish someone else's struggles because of your narrow minded views. Thank you.

Anyway, you guys maybe have one more good chapter before things start going to shit AHAHAHAHA I love being evil.

If I get it all written, I might post the remaining chapters all at once but yeah. If I have a chapter, I'll post it on Saturday/Sunday. If I have multiple chapters, I'll post them whenever the hell I want but expect maybe multiple chapters a week starting from next week.

Anyways, I hope you guys have a wonderful day. I love you, bye.