THE POET

And I'd sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry, I wanna learn to love
But all my tears have been used up

***

CHAPTER XLIII

*****

A COUPLE DAYS later, I found myself standing outside in my backyard with the box of my mom's ashes in my hands. In the ground by my feet was a small hole just big enough for me to jump into and on either side of me was Anna and Pablo. After confiding in Eyra truly and showing her the letter, she had worked me through all the feelings of grief that I knew I would be forced to experience the second I decided to do this and even talked to Pablo to give him ways to support me through this.

Now there was nothing really left to do and so with no more excuses made to justify my bad habits, I got onto my knees and gently poured the ashes down into the hole making sure none floated away. I had always known that she wanted to be buried without a casket so she could give back to the universe what it gave to her and flowers would grow from the dust she would inevitably become. Unfortunately, her murder had been so gruesome that the only thing that could've been done was to cremate her. Still, that didn't deter me from carrying out her wish and laying her to rest in the place where I knew she would be most at peace.

Before I covered the ground up again, I stared out into the far distance, saying my last words to her and my last prayers for her before picking up a handful of dirt and pouring it over her ashes. As soon as I got up, one of the guards picked up a shovel and began shovelling the dirt back into the hole as I leaned against Pablo and let my mind drift off.

I was surprisingly okay. Maybe I could even say that I was better, but I didn't want to become too optimistic or hopeful. I was willing to accept the improvements I had already made without anymore disappointment. All I knew was that today, I was doing better than I was yesterday and that was progress. That was good enough progress for me.

I felt Anna's hand slip into mine as we all watched the make shift grave fill back up. In my other hand was the box her ashes used to reside in, making me wonder what to do with it now.

“You okay?” Pablo asked me as I stared out into the distance at nothing. Slowly, I turned to look at him, my eyes focusing on his before I let a small smile stretch across my lips and nodded.

“I am okay.” In that moment, I felt more okay than I had felt in my entire life. I felt free. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my back which made me question why my mom, even in her absence, seemed to be a hindrance in my growth. Instead of voicing my concern, I shook my head and turned around to begin walking back to the house. “We should head back in—”

Before I could finish the sentence I had intended to say, my eyes had fallen on something that made my breath hitch in my throat and my heart beat harder in my chest. Well, someone. He wasn't a something at all.

Pablo and Anna walked past me as I stood frozen in my spot, staring at him staring at me. Soon, they had both disappeared around the back of the house, leaving the both of us alone together.

Daniel slowly made his way towards me, the guilt and worry in his eyes becoming clearer and clearer the closer he came. Finally in front of me, he came to a stop, letting his eyes roam over my face while I tried to keep myself from bursting into a fresh set of tears. There was something about seeing him after so long that got me more emotional than I normal was.

“Why are you here?” I finally found myself asking once I had successfully pulled myself together.

I wasn't angry at him. At least, I didn't think I was, but him being here was him breaking his own rules and if he broke his rules, I would break them too.

“I wanted to give my condolences,” he said as I searched his eyes to know if he was being honest. “I want to support you through this.”

“I thought you wanted to put distance between us,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him, but he only shook his head and let a small chuckle escape his lips. “Then what did you say, Daniel? Or more rather, what did you mean because I'm sure of what you said.”

“I want both of us to have space so we can both get better,” he confessed, a frown coming across his face, “but I don't want to abandon you, amor. I haven't abandoned you.”

“But you have!”

“I haven't,” he said firmly as he took my face in his hands and wiped away the tears that inched down my cheeks. “This last week, I haven't been present, I admit that, but Ara, the ball is in your court.” His voice softened as he watched my tear-stained face, the pain he felt being noticeable. “I want you to call me when you need me because I know how you're like.”

“How am I like?” I asked, finally meeting his eyes as tears still poured out of mine.

“If I showed up and you didn't want to see me, you wouldn't tell me to go,” he admitted as I pursed my lips, unable to disagree with him. “I don't want to impose myself on you, but if you ever need me, know that all you need to do is call me, okay?”

“I think I'll be calling you everyday,” I joked, but Daniel only laughed as he pulled me to him for a tight hug and buried his face in the crook of my neck.

Despite being almost crushed in his embrace, I found myself melting against him as his scent clouded my brains and filled my thoughts only of him and the warmth from his body set my body ablaze. I felt his hand snake up my back to hold the back of my neck while I slowly wrapped my arms around him.

“I doubt you will.”

***

Later that day, I let myself enter the office where I knew Pablo was working and took a seat directly opposite him. He hadn't acknowledged my entrance, so I sat there, staring silently at him until he rolled his eyes and looked at me.

“Is there a reason why you're here?” he asked, folding his arms. “Or did you just see me in a good mood and decide to come and ruin that?”

“This is your good mood?” I asked, to which he only stared back at me silently. “I don't want to see your bad one's then,” I added under my breath before smiling to his face despite knowing he had heard what I just said. “I just wanted to come talk to you, that's all.”

“About Daniel?” he asked as he put all his things away to give me his full attention even though he had been giving me snark only a couple seconds ago. I nodded my head in response to his question, making him roll his eyes before folding his arms over his chest and leaning back into the chair. “What do you want to talk about?”

He didn't seem irritated. He just looked bored as if he was tired of having this conversation despite the fact that I had never brought up the topic of Daniel to him since we broke up. Had he been talking about Daniel to other people? Or perhaps, had he been talking about me to Daniel?

“I just want to know how he's been doing,” I confessed, making Pablo raise a confused eyebrow at me.

“You didn't ask him yourself?”

“We didn't talk much and he didn't stay too long,” I shrugged before looking to him hopefully again. “I don't want a detailed itinerary of his day or anything,” I said, raising a defensive hand. “I just want to know if he's okay. Does he need anything?”

“He's fine,” Pablo rolled his eyes, making me frown at his attitude. I genuinely did want to know about Daniel's wellbeing, but I didn't want to force Pablo to have this conversation with me if it annoyed him. Noticing the look on my face, he only shook his head and smiled at me. “You think about him a lot, don't you?” he asked to which I nodded.

"A lot" seemed to be an understatement. I didn't think there was a moment in the day where I didn't at least have Daniel at the back of my mind. It was why I liked keeping myself preoccupied and focused on other things.

Pablo laughed as he looked back at the notebook he had previously been writing into. It looked to have something to do with a long block of numbers so it must've been some form of finances. “Daniel is the same,” he confessed, making me raise my eyebrows at him. “Before he even greets me, he asks about you. It's cute.”

I couldn't help but small at his last words, noticing the way he muttered them under his breath as if not wanting me to hear them. I knew that a lot of the time, I villianised Pablo when it came to being against me and Daniel's relationship, but it seemed obvious that he did support it. Pablo was like the harsh truth that I didn't want to accept, but he didn't really care about my feelings in the moment. All he knew was that he wanted to the both of us to be okay; whether apart or separated.

I couldn't help but frown though once I realised that my separation from Daniel could potentially lead to his separation from him too and I didn't want that. It was so obvious to me just how much they truly did care for each other no matter how unconventional their friendship wad and I never wanted anything to get between that. Especially not me.

On that thought, I couldn't help but frown at just how much of Pablo's life I consumed. I did want to know if he still spent time with Daniel like he used to, but who was I kidding? The man had to sleep and if he was spending every second of the day with me just to ensure I didn't do something stupid, what time did that leave him to have a social life? I appreciated having Pablo with me, but I hated just how much he was losing to take care of me because I ultimately refused to take care of myself.

The man probably didn't even have time for possible romantic prospects. I knew he loved me as much as I loved him, but the difference between me and him was that I wasn't only running on just seeing him. I had Mateo, I had Daniel in a way and a had Anna and somewhat Celeste. On the other hand, he only had me because I was the only thing he could afford to have right now, but I was quickly beginning to realise that having just me wasn't very much of an asset at all.

“I...” I began, gaining his attention but not knowing how to go about what I wanted to say. I wasn't sure how he was going to react to my words, but I figured he deserved to know if I was the bad omen taking his whole life away from him. “I talked to Emma yesterday,” I confessed, making him raise an eyebrow at me, yet he didn't seem surprised or upset. Just engaged. “She wants me to spend some time with her and meet Pierre some day this week. Do you want me to go?”

He furrowed his eyebrows at me, a humoured smirk on his lips and confusion clear in his eyes. “Why should I care?” he asked, flipping the tables and leaving me confused. Why shouldn't he care was what I was asking. Unless he was completely over Emma by now. Which if he was, I commended him for.

“I don't want to do anything that will make you uncomfortable,” I confessed, making him chuckle and shake his head as if he knew something I didn't before looking down at the papers in front of him. I couldn't help but narrow my eyes in suspicion at him. He was hiding something and as slow as I could be, I was pretty quick to figure out what it was. “You have ended your affair with Emma, haven't you?”

He looked back up at me, his eyebrows again furrowed and his lips pressed into a frown despite his obvious amusement. “Was I supposed to?”

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to react. With disappointment or anger or sadness on his behalf. Truly, his words had caught me off guard and left me shocked, yet it made sense. What had I really been expecting? When had Pablo so easily admitted defeat or let go of something he truly wanted? He was as stubborn as they came yet I was hoping that beyond his stubbornness was at least some atom of sense.

“Pablo, you know you can't keep doing this with her,” I said in a soft voice, ensuring that I didn't come off as condescending or as if I knew more than him. “Especially not behind her fiancé's back. One of you will get hurt.”

I knew I wasn't the one to preach about remaining faithful and not engaging in affairs, but I had been down the road his was tunnelling down and I could already see how it was going to end. I was by no means wise, but experience had taught me and I didn't want him to go through what I went through only to learn the same lesson.

Pablo's dark brown eyes remained fixed on me for a long few seconds, the humour quickly dissipating from them before he shook his head and looked away from me  “She's the one in the relationship. Tell her that.”

I could understand that the relationship was Emma's obligation and not his so it wasn't his business if Emma was cheating or not figuratively speaking, but it was his business because I knew he cared for her and he wanted her to always be in the best situation. Surely, he knew that agreeing to continue with the affair would only lead to problems for her if something went wrong. She had the most to lose.

Plus, she couldn't keep stringing him along. Even if she had plans to marry somebody else, Pablo deserved to find someone to love and marry too and as long as they kept each other engaged in this, he'd end up devoted only to her.

“What if her husband finds out?” I asked, making a cocky smirk come across his lips as he leaned back in his chair and glared at me.

“What if he finds out?” he challenged, seeming to not show a single ounce of remorse or care for what they were doing behind the man's back. “What will he do?”

“He might hurt you! He might hurt Emma!” I exclaimed, getting frustrated with his lack of comprehension. “You guys need to talk and figure this—”

“She's punishing me,” he cut me off, making me forget about what I was saying and stare at him in confusion in hopes that he would elaborate.

“What?”

“I broke up with her, remember? So all this is to punish me,” he confessed, seemingly unfazed while I on the other hand was desperately struggling to do the maths in my head to try and make sense of the clearly fucked up situation. Was I just fucking stupid or did nothing making any sense whatsoever?

“She's punishing you by marrying another man?” I asked, trying to get a grip of what he was presenting to me. There were so many things wrong with what they were doing, the number one thing being that they were completely disregarding her fiancé's wellbeing and using him for her benefit. “What kind of stupid game is that? I'm going to talk to her—”

“Mind your business, Ara,” he said, narrowing his eyes at me. “She kept your secret when you had your affair. Now you keep hers.” He hadn't said much but he had said enough. Even just the warning tone in his voice was enough for me to heed his warning.

It was a whole mess and a half but even I could admit that he was right. This wasn't my battle to fight even if I could win it. I knew I wasn't going to start treating Emma the way that she had treated me when I had an affair with Daniel but I wasn't going to start making their business my business either. I cared for them both and the most I could do was give them advice, but as for intervening? I'd just stay out.

I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes at him as I also lowered my tone. “When shit finally hits the fan, don't say I didn't warn you,” I said, smiling in the way I tended to do when I knew I was going to be right. “It happened to me and I can assure you, Pablo, it will happen to you too.”

I got up to make way out of my office before I halted in my steps and turned around to pin a fierce glare on him. “And before I forget,” I said, bringing his attention back to me, “give me back my sewing room before I get Eyra on your ass.”

Without allowing him the chance to respond, I stepped out of the office, slamming the door shut behind me before making my way to my room. There seemed to be something that felt surprisingly very good about minding my own business and upon making that realisation, I came upon another one.

There was extreme power in my silence.

***

Days had passed and despite still having to go to therapy everyday at the same time for the same intensive two hours that was mainly filled with my reflective silence, I found the days didn't seem to blur so much anymore. There was always something distinct that I could pick out and appreciate from each day and it helped make things less daunting.

At that point, I seemed to have some balance in my life with Mateo at day care two days during the week and me working between the hours of eight in the morning and five in the evening. I found that not only did it give me something to keep me busy, it also gave me more time to spend with myself which I seemed to like more and more.

Unfortunately, it wasn't lost on me that the equation to my perfect life wasn't completely balanced because there was a key component that I was missing and that was Daniel. Despite knowing that the ball was completely in my court when it came to our communication, I still hadn't made the effort to reach out to him since we had last spoken and that was because I was doing a lot of reflecting on our relationship.

I knew I would figure out things I didn't want to figure out and I knew I would inevitably get angry at both him and myself, but despite all that, I was sure that I would still return back to him no matter what. Very little was possible to negate the immense love I had for him; the him that he had let me see.

I realised that despite Daniel's constant apologies, I had never actually forgiven him. I still carried the ways he had hurt me in my heart and every time he'd hurt me again, I wouldn't actually forgive him but instead try to brush it under the rug. Partly because I felt I deserved to constantly be hurt so forgiving for something I felt I deserved was foreign to me.

The task Eyra had given me at one of our sessions was to allow myself to feel every emotion I felt whenever I thought of him, both positive and negative and to write it in a journal. We regularly went through the journal during our sessions and she helped me dissect my feelings, expand on them and figure out where they were coming from. She helped me not only understand myself better, but also validate the emotions I had so regularly suppressed to fit the molds of other people. Instead of pushing down the feelings of hurt and betrayal, I needed to feel them fully - like Celeste said - let them run their course and then finally let them go. I needed to understand that I had a right to be upset.

Digressing from that, my belief that I deserved to be hurt was also the reason why I couldn't believe that Daniel had actually loved me, no matter how many times he had tried to reassure me and prove it to me. I couldn't believe that anyone could love me based on the insecurities I had developed from my childhood.

It had been obvious from the very start, now that I looked back. I had never expected for Daniel to love me back, so I would make up for his lack of affection by being more affectionate and letting him treat me the way he wanted to without standing up for myself. It was clear from the beginning that I condemned the relationship myself before it had even began but I went along with it anyway because Daniel constantly hurt me and I believed deep down that I deserved the pain, so to me it was a match made in heaven. I had emotionally started self-harming way before it had turned physical. The trafficking situation had only heightened my own guilt and pushed me way over the edge, but before that, I was already teethering on it.

It was an upsetting realisation to come to, but I knew it was only a part of getting better.

Putting my journal down, I slowly rose myself out of my desk chair and stretched out my aching limbs. I wasn't too sure what I needed to do now. I had done everything in my todo list and Mateo was still at daycare, so that left me on my own alone to my own devices. I was about to settle on taking a well needed nap before my eyes fell on the book Abigail had given me the last day, making me purse my lips.

I was supposed to be taking a break from Daniel, but curiosity was pulling me towards the collection of poetry which I knew would give me access to the deepest parts of his mind. It wasn't like he would bave given it to me if he didn't want me to read it anyway.

Convinced, I made my way to my nightstand, picked up the book before making myself comfortable in bed and opening the book up to the first page.

I had only been through a couple of poems before the hidden messages in the book had become clear to me. All the highlighted words and sentences, the bookmarked pages and the underlying confessions of love was all the things he wanted me to read. They were all messages from him to me, but what made the waterworks begin to trail from my eyes was when I noticed just how beautiful the quotes truly were. Things such as:

“I just knew when I found you, I had come home” or “That was her gift. She filled you with the words you didn't know were there.”
“A sky full of stars and he was staring at her.”
“When I saw you laugh, it took every ounce of me not to fall in love. And when I saw your soul, it took every ounce of me.”

All of the quotes, all of the phrases he had highlighted specifically for me to read were so beautifully written and made me feel like I was actually worth the effort. All of the words he had delivered to my doorstep were words that he thought and he felt, but he didn't know how to say to me.

I slammed the book closed, hating the way I was wetting the worn pages with my stupid tears and stared at the wall for a second in my own thoughts. Nobody had ever been so thoughtful to me and it was so hard to believe that the man that was trying to convey these feelings and emotions of his to me at this very moment was the same man that at some point acted as if he hated me.

Had he ever hated me? Or was there something there I didn't know of that had made it easy for him to fall so deeply in love with me? Was it me? Was I that lovable? This worthy of somebody's time and affection? Did I actually deserve to be treated like I was valuable?

Unable to hold myself back, I picked up my phone that sat on the nightstand and began dialing Daniel's number. I wasn't sure how fast I had been expecting him to answer, but the fact that he had picked up immediately on the first ring had only made me cry harder.

“Daniel!”

“Araceli?” he said, sounding confused at my despair filled tone on the other end of the call. “Are you okay? What happened? Why are you crying? Talk to me amor,” he said, letting me hear the shear worry and desperation in his voice as he spoke.

“I love you too,” I confessed, taking him by surprise and leaving him in a baffled silence fir a couple seconds before he finally let out a chuckle. “I love you so much, you don't even understand.”

“You read it?” he asked to which I only let out a noise to tell him I did. It was clear what "it" was, making it easy for the both of us to communicate even without specific words. It made me wonder why we struggled so much to talk and open up when we could communicate in so many different, beautiful ways. “You know, I didn't think you would cry when I gave it to you.”

“Don't dictate my emotions,” I said, narrowing my eyes at nothing in particular before sniffing again which only made him laugh at me on the other end of the phone. He seemed happy and I liked when he was happy.

“I don't mean to do that, amor. I'm sorry,” he apologised which only made my lips tremble again as I sniffed back my tears. “I just...” he hesitated a little and I could almost see the way his eyes would fixate in one place as he'd contemplate what to say. “I just wanted you to know how... how I think of you. At this point, I probably idolise you, amor. I can't lie about it anymore.”

I couldn't help but bite down on my bottom lip, the tears now silently trailing down my cheeks as I let out a sigh and spoke. “I wish I could convey my love for you as beautifully as you do it for me,” I confessed as I stared down at my feet.

Maybe I was just accepting the bare minimum but whenever Daniel was actually affectionate with me, it always felt like so much more just because I knew how far out of his comfort zone he was stepping. It wasn't always just the fact that he did, but the fact that he tried to do. He could've easily thrown money at me to show his love but when he realised it did little to make me happy, he learnt what did make me happy and did it. Even if it made him uncomfortable and I appreciated that.

“You don't understand just how beautiful your love is,” he said, sounding dazed as if lost in his own mind. “It doesn't need to be wrapped in pretty words or gifts or anything. Just every day you wake up and continue to love me, despite all my flaws, is a beautiful showcase of your love. Until I learn how to love fully like you do, you'll just have to read these secondhand thoughts and remember that what I feel is a hundred times the words on those pages.”

My heart swelled in my chest at Daniel's thoughtful words, leaving me quiet and breathless for a while before I finally let out a small laugh. “Are you drunk?” I asked, despite his words being completely clear and free of a slur or stutter.

“Just a little high,” he admitted to which I laughed again.

“Will you come over tomorrow?” I asked, no longer hiding my barely contained desire to see him.

He hadn't hesitated before he answered, “if you want me to, I will,” which made me uncharacteristically happy because there seemed not to be any inhibition.

I didn't want to make assumptions but it seemed that it wasn't just me doing some serious work during this time we had to ourselves. He seemed also to be calmer, a little more relaxed when it came to his emotions and his desires around love. He too seemed freer.

“I want you to,” I confirmed and to which, he only muttered very quietly under his breath almost as if to make sure I didn't hear:

“Then I will.”

“Will you bring food too?” I asked, making him chuckle at my question.

“You're hungry?”

“I'm not right now but I will be tomorrow,” I answered which made him laugh again, a little louder this time.

“What do you want me to bring then?”

“Something you cook.”

“Do you like my cooking, amor?”

“I love your cooking, amor,” I said, mockingly but he only hummed in satisfaction and then sighed. In that moment, I longed to be with him; to feel the way his chest rose and fell with his breathing.

“I need you to call me that more,” he confessed, making me close my eyes and smile. When I closed my eyes, it seemed almost like he was right there with me and there was no distance between us. I imagined he did the same thing.

“Bring me food and I'll consider doing it,” I said, making him laugh on the other end of the call.

“Whatever you want, my love.”

***

As the sun set far into the distance, I found myself perched on my window seat, staring absently out the window with Mateo dozing off in my arms. I hadn't ever really taken notice of the sunset from my bedroom. I was always too busy, my mind engrossed in something else.

Now that I seemed to have all the time in the world, with nowhere to go and time ticking as slow as possible, I finally took notice of the beautiful scenery. I admired the way the saturated orange rays bounced into my room through my windows and glass balcony doors. The light painted the blank canvas my space had originally been, adding splashes of vibrant colour against the stark whites and greys.

On top of that, I appreciated the way the light hit my face and filled me with a certain warmth I couldn't get from any radiator or hot water bottle. Despite my adverse conditions, I felt like a flower newly planted in the soil, growing freely from the nourishment of the sun.

I had figured from a while back that my life wasn't going to be the same anymore. At least not for the next few months until Pablo had deemed that I had recovered enough. Despite it being Pablo's verdict, I realised how everything depended on me. I could spend the rest of my life here, wallowing away in my own self-pity and stubbornness until I died.

Or I could use this as a valuable learning opportunity. I could take advantage of the love and care I was surrounded with and use it to nourish myself and grow. I could finally focus on myself and do what was best for me. I could finally heal, not just from what had happened to me two years ago but also from the trauma I had faced my entire life.

And the best thing was that I could do this all for myself. Not anybody else.

*****

Idk if I'm arsed to continuing hiding who the snitch is at this point but we'll see.

Updates may slow down but lemme tell you something. No matter how fast or slow I am at writing a story, the final updates always find a way to fall when I'm busy so when updates slow down, that's how you know you're definitely reaching the end but yall didn't hear anything from me.

As far as I know, there's still a good few chapters... but definitely not a lot and well yeah, the end is approaching.

Anyways, if you think Daniel and Araceli's relationship is cute here, I can assure you it only gets cuter and they only get stronger. I promise, this separation is building them into the people they'll need to be but let me not give away too much.

I have, also in my mind and my drafts, a lot of book ideas for the future so even though I'll be posting Finding Emyra and editing this book, stay tune for my future plans because I can honestly feel a shift in my craft. I feel like after this book, I'll be entering a whole new era but again, lemme not say too much.

Anyways, comment your thoughts and drop some ideas of how they should get back together. I want to see what yall think mkay byeeee

PS. The first quote is from a poet called Alicia N Green and the rest are from Atticus if yall want to look more into it.

The song is Another Love by Tom Odell and is extremely beautiful but yeah bye