THE HOPELESS

I've been feeling pain,
I've been feeling pain just to hold on,
And I don't feel the same,
I'm so numb.

***

CHAPTER XLI

*****

I HAD WOKEN up the next day to a raging headache, making me groan and squint my eyes to try and filter out the bright lights streaming in through my window. Guessing from how disoriented and groggy I was, I knew I had one of the deepest sleeps in the world, so I was unsure why my head hurt so much until all of the past events came rushing into my head.

The assault, the cutting, the crying. Everything came back to me like a sledge hammer swinging on a rope tied to the ceiling, making me jump up in my bed only to see that I was now back home. No longer in New York but this time in San Francisco, in my bedroom with Teo fast asleep beside me.

I couldn't help but feel a little relieved to have him with me as I gently stroked his back and kissed his cheek as he slept on his stomach.

Looking around, I took notice of two pain pills left on my desk along with some water poured into a clear, plastic cup. It was only after I had downed both pills and laid back to relax did I finally notice Pablo who was fast asleep in an armchair positioned directly opposite my bed. Had he been watching us as we slept?

I could act oblivious, but I knew the answer. Of course he had after what I had done last night. For the next few weeks, I'd be lucky if I was let out of his sight to pee not to speak of going off on my own to do my own thing.

Heaving out a sigh, I pulled off my duvet and made my way into the bathroom to freshen up. As soon as I had stepped in, I immediately took notice of the vast differences that had been made seemingly over night.

First and foremost, my entire mirror was gone. I could see the hole in the wall where it had been unscrewed and carried out. On top of that, everything from my cabinet had been cleared out except for a few small towels, a soap bar, my toothbrush and toothpaste. All my perfume, hair tools, hell even my waxing kit had been cleared out. The tub was still left open to use, but I didn't believe that Pablo would actually let me to use it.

Deciding not to complain just yet, I settled on brushing my teeth first before marching out of the bathroom with a firm glare pinned to Pablo's head. As if feeling my stare, he slowly peeled his eyes open, waking up from his sleep before jumping at the sight of me standing next to him as angrily as one could make standing look.

“Goodmorning?”

“Can I wash my face please?” I demanded, not bothering to dignify his greeting with the appropriate response. Instead, I went straight to the point.

“The sink is right there,” he pointed back into the bathroom further annoying me. “I left that in for you.”

“I need my cleanser, I need my toner, I need my serums, I need my eye cream, I need my moisturiser and I need my SPF, Pablo,” I listed off, more concerned about my inability to do my skincare routine than I was concerned about my missing mirror. I knew I needed to pick my battles and right now, skincare seemed to be my priority.

Pablo stared at me as if he was still trying to process half of the things I had just mentioned before giving up. “Can't you just use soap and water?”

“Look at my face and tell me if soap and water can give anyone skin this good?” I asked, making him stare at my face intently before smiling.

He took my hand and slowly rubbed it up and down his face, making me feel just how smooth his face was. “Sometimes, I don't even use soap,” he declared as if that was a good thing, making me roll my eyes at him but not give up until he had finally relented. “Fine, but I have to watch you.”

“They're not even harmless, but okay.”

Beside his feet was a bag of my toiletries which he rummaged through until he produced everything I had asked for.

“The hyaluronic acid serum, not the vitamin C one,” I said, handing him back the serum I didn't want to which he frowned at.

“Hyaluronic acid?” he asked, putting emphasis on "acid" as he handed me the bottle as if it was something for him to be concerned about.

I only rolled my eyes again before turning and making my way back into the bathroom. “Your lack of basic skincare knowledge is embarrassing.”

“You're embarrassing,” he bit back lamely.

“Five-year-old.”

***

Teo had woken up a couple hours later, prompting Pablo to make the maid, Abigail, serve us both breakfast up in my bedroom much to my dismay. What I really wanted was to carry on with my life as if nothing had happened, but with Pablo here watching over me like a hawk, I realised that it wasn't the most feasible of ideas and that annoyed me.

“I'll focus on the kitchen next to make it safe for you to eat there,” he said as we ate, unaware of my true desires, “but right now you can only stay here or go to Mateo's room.”

I frowned but decided not to voice my dislike of his plans and instead focused on the only thing that I truly worried about in that moment. “Can I still use my sewing room?”

“No, absolutely not,” he said with conviction, making my frown deepen as I briefly stopped spooning food into Teo's mouth.

He had figured out a long while back how to direct food in the general direction of his mouth, but we were sat on my grey, wooly carpet and I didn't want him to get food on it as it would be a task to clean up.

“How am I supposed to work then?” I asked, sitting up to look at him as Mateo took the plastic spoon from my hand, uninterested in waiting for me to start feeding him again and instead feeding himself.

“I think you need to take some time off,” he said, upsetting me even more than I was already. It felt like he was leaving me no control over my own life. “I just don't think that working right now is the best thing for your health. It's important to know you stay safe.”

“You don't have to "safe-proof" everything, Pablo. I'm not a baby,” I said, feeling exhausted with the conversation already despite it only just starting. How was I going to be able to take my mind off my problems if I couldn't work?

“What did you expect?” he asked, narrowing his eyes at me. “For me to just sit back and let you suffer after seeing you almost succeed in taking your life? Do you think I'm stupid or something?”

I opened my mouth to fight back when Teo suddenly rested his head on my arm, making me realise that this wasn't a conversation that we could have in his presence. Casting a warning glare at Pablo to let him know it wasn't over, I picked Teo up, balancing him on my hip before stepping out of the room briefly to find Abigail. Once I had found her and left Teo with her much to his protests, I headed back to my room and slammed the door shut so neither of them could hear our argument.

“How does stopping me from working make sense to you?” I asked, folding my arms over my chest and narrowing my eyes at him as he let out an exhausted breath.

“Araceli, you need help,” he said, sounding frustrated. “You need to focus on getting better, not work. What person still goes to work when they're sick?”

“I'm not sick,” I hissed but he only let out a loud fake laugh.

“Oh really? So you attempting to end your life for the third time is just something you do in your past times, isn't it?” he said sarcastically, making me clench my fists in anger as I glared at him.

“Can you stop bringing that up?”

“That's the entire subject of our conversation. You can't just carry on as if it didn't happen.”

“Carrying on as if it didn't happen has been exactly what I did since I first tried and I'm still here,” I said as if that actually meant anything which Pablo was quick to point out to me that it didn't.

“Here after harming yourself last night.”

“Stop talking about that!” I yelled, turning away from him so he couldn't see the tears that were welling in my eyes.

“I'm sorry,” he said, surprising me with an apology. “I know you don't want to talk about it with me and I should respect that. I do, but Araceli, just understand that I want to help you get better. I can't just—” his voice cracked, making me turn around only to see his now red eyes welling with tears he didn't allow to fall. “You don't understand how I felt when I heard you scream in so much pain. When I saw you. Ara, I can't see you like that again.” I couldn't help but feel myself relent as he broke down in front of me and let me see just how much last night affected him. “There are a lot of things I'm willing to lose in my life, but you're not one of them,” he cried as I allowed myself to walk into his arms and hug him. He immediately hugged me back, tight as if he felt like the tighter he'd hug me, the longer I would stay with him. “Just let me help you, please.”

Feeling myself lose all my will to continue fighting with him, I gave in, “Okay.”

***

Later that day, I found myself sitting opposite Daniel as he looked everywhere around the room except for straight at me which amused me before I realised why exactly he must've been here. Pablo must've spoken to him and convinced him to leave me for my own good. It wasn't something I'd put past him but if Daniel was actually stupid enough to follow his advice...

It sounded extreme but I wasn't sure how I could live without Daniel if we split again. I tried doing it once before and I barely survived. Arguably, this time in my life was when I was at my most fragile so it would make sense for all the people that were close to me to want to support me through it. Yet, he was leaving me out of all of them. The one that claimed to love me the most.

Maybe he just couldn't handle all the baggage that I had. Still, when he claimed to love me, the baggage shouldn't have been the thing to push him away in the end. I loved him and I would do anything for him, go through any hell for him, support him through everything. Why couldn't he love me the same? Why couldn't he love me like I loved him?

Why wasn't my love enough to make everything work between us like I thought it was? I had been duped into believing a lie that was only now revealing its bitter truth. Only now when I felt like I couldn't handle any more heartache.

“Was Pablo the one that convinced you to do this?” I asked, still keeping my gaze firmly on my hands despite feeling him staring intently at me.

“No, I...” he began to say before trailing off before he could finish. “He told you?”

“You did,” I answered, prompting him to begin talking again but I didn't want to hear any of it.

“I think that—”

“Why don't you like me?” I asked as I looked up at him, tears already pouring down my cheeks. The room fell silent as I had finally mustered up the courage to ask him the one question I had been aching to ask him since the beginning of our relationship.

He seemed shock to hear my voice so full of accusations and resentment and then shocked again once he had finally clocked what I had said. Quickly, he looked to me, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion and his eyes drowning in guilt and sorrow. I began to feel bad again but it was too late to take back what had already been done.

“Araceli, I love you,” he confessed, making me frown as I tried to accept his words. What I would do to be able to believe him even for just a second.

“Why don't you act like it then?” I asked again, making him look down at his hands in shame when he finally got where I was coming from. “You didn't need me to tell you I loved you. You could tell. So why do I doubt it every time it comes out of your mouth?” He opened his mouth to say something, but seconds ticked by and yet there still hadn't been a word from him, making me flop against the headboard of my bed. “This is how love is supposed to be like?” I asked, but we both already knew the answer. “This is how much it's supposed to hurt?”

“It's not,” Daniel hissed in anger, but I could tell by the way that he dug his nails into his palm that the only person he was angry at was himself. “You and I know it's not. I love you but I don't know how to show it.”

I got up from the bed and made my way towards him, only stopping when I was directly in front of him, feeling his intense gaze on me. He was no longer teary anymore. He was repressing his emotions better this time, yet he seemed unprepared and surprised when I had crouched in front of him to take his hand in mine. Softly, I straightened out his hand to stop him from hurting himself before speaking. “It's okay.”

He narrowed his eyes at me, the torment ensuing inside his head as clear as day. One part of him wanted to give into me, but another part of him, which seemed to be the more dominant part was adamant on leaving me.

“It's not okay, Araceli,” he said, almost sounding annoyed with me for attempting to forgive him. “Stop letting me hurt you for fuck sakes.”

“Then stop hurting me.”

“I'm trying,” Daniel said desperately, his voice coming out shaky as he stared into my eyes, pleading for me to understand but my empathy for him was beginning to run low.

“It's not working,” I said, looking away as I stood up and tried to walk away, but then he stood up too, gently grabbed my arm and held me in place.

“I know. That's why I'm doing this,” he confessed, making me look away as the tears started pouring again, but he grabbed my face and forced me to keep my eyes on him. “Look at me, Araceli,” he demanded, making me comply.

“I'm looking at you.”

“I'm not the man I was when you first met me.”

I couldn't help but nod my head in agreement, finding his statement to be completely true. “You're not.”

“I'm changing. I'm learning,” he confessed, seemingly happy at the prospect of no longer being who he once was, “but a part of learning is making mistakes and I can't risk making another mistake with you.”

“What if this ends up a mistake?” I asked but there were no words of reassurance from him; no promises that this was the right thing to do because for the first time, Daniel didn't know and he didn't pretend that he did.

“Then it'll be the last time I'll ever hurt you in both our lives and it would be worth it,” he declared, making me burst out into tears because even that prospect made my heart lurch in pain. “I'll make any sacrifice I need to. As long as you get better, okay?” he said, wiping my tears away from my cheek. “Will you try to get better?”

“I will,” I nodded, making a genuine smile stretch across his face, his eyes lighting with happiness and pride despite the sad moment, making me realise that he really did care for me. In fact, just the prospect of me getting better and becoming mentally healthy had been enough to soothe his worries. At least temporarily. Even if that meant him leaving me. “I will. I promise.”

“Thank you,” he said, placing a kiss on the crown of my head which I reveled in while I still had it. I knew this was the last bit of affection I would feel from him in a long time and I wanted to make the most of it.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” he responded to me, yet this time, I was more inclined to believe him. There had never been a moment before when I believed Daniel as much as I did now and it caused me heartache to know that it had happened when our relationship had ended. “Mi hermosa Lia.”

After that, Daniel and I had spoken a bit more on Mateo's custody with the help of Pablo. I wasn't able to just engage in a conversation with him with how hurt I was, so Pablo ran between the two of us to deliver the message from one to the other. Surprisingly, he hadn't even complained once.

Finally, once we decided on how we would both take care of Mateo (which had been we spent equal time with him), the discussion on cost came up. Financially, I was okay even though I wasn't working. I had a lot of savings I could tap into until Pablo finally deemed me fit enough to work. I knew it would take me no time to replace my funds. Of course, Daniel disagreed with this, insisting that he paid for everything I needed and even forcing Pablo to side with him.

I didn't feel comfortable spending his money especially when we weren't together, but I knew I had lost when Daniel had let me know that he already knew my banking details and would just deposit the money there every week whether I agreed to it or not. Reluctantly, I agreed. Triumphantly, he picked Mateo up and I watched them both from my window as they got into his car and drove off.

Once they were completely out of sight, I got back in bed and laid down, unsure of what to do with my time anymore. I hadn't seem my phone so I had just naturally assumed that Pablo had confiscated that as well, which annoyed me greatly but I understood why.

The door of my room creaked open, but I didn't need to check who it was since I was sure it was Pablo. He sat beside me on the bed and placed his hand on my forehead to check my temperature before letting out a sigh and resting his head on my body.

“Did you take my phone?” I finally asked him despite not actually giving a damn about the whereabouts of my phone. He sat up, his eyebrows farrowing as he struggled to recall what a phone even was during his brain fart before he finally shook his head.

“It's probably in your luggage somewhere. I'll go get it for you.” But I only shook my head, beckoning for him to lie back on me as my mind began to slip away.

“You know, I do love you, Pablo. Even when I say otherwise,” I confessed, making him chuckle.

“I know.”

A minute passed where I patiently waited for him to return my words, but when he didn't, I violently kicked my leg out into him, making him jump away from me and rub his side in pain.

“Say you love me back, dumbass,” I demanded, making him just manage to hide his amusement.

“I love you too, damn,” he complained as he continued to rub his side. “Why do you have to be so violent?” I didn't respond, making him chuckle again as he patted my head softly. “I love you too, hermana.” This time, I knew he meant it too.

***

A few days had passed and even though I was going to therapy almost every day, I still couldn't help the deep internal sadness I felt within me. I was seeing a really nice older, black woman who did make me feel more comfortable with her than my last therapist but I still couldn't forget the memories of that night from replaying in my head like a broken record. I had resorted to pinching my skin and digging my nails into my palms to make them stop but it seemed like very little actually helped.

The therapist had prescribed some adult colouring books to help with my anxiety and overthinking for now while we had more sessions to truly find the route of the problem as if it wasn't obvious. While, at first, I thought it was a bit stupid, as I sat there colouring a detailed picture of a flower, I couldn't help but find it oddly therapeutic. Of course, it didn't free my mind completely as I would still stare off and zone out occasionally, but it gave me something else to focus on instead of my negative thoughts and I appreciated that. I couldn't help but feel like a child though but I reckoned beggers couldn't be chooser. I was desperate enough to try anything just to make me feel better.

Despite days having passed, I hadn't made contact with Daniel once. It wasn't something I was proud of but I could barely bring myself to think about him without bursting into tears. A couple days prior, Pablo had found me on my bathroom floor in tears because I had found one of his shirts in my closet and I realised I wouldn't be able to hug him again. I held the shirt to my chest, basking in his scent because I knew it was only going to fade from there. Making matters worse, I had missed his birthday, unable to give him a gift or even wish him a happy birthday like I had wanted to.

On top of that, not having Mateo for three days out of the week was like a hard reality check. I knew Daniel had as much right to spend time with him as I did, but I genuinely couldn't function right without my son and it made me realise just how much I relied on him. It prompted two conversations. One with Eyra and the other with Pablo about enrolling Teo in daycare for two days out of the week so I could stop holding on to him so tight and he could get used to mingling with children his own age before preschool. We hadn't enrolled him yet, but I knew that on his first day I was going to be an absolute wreck. Without the both of them in my life, it felt like there was an empty space in my heart waiting for them to fill it again.

“Would it be better if you started working again?” Pablo asked, surprising me. I looked up from the colouring book, realising that I had zoned out and had stopped colouring entirely. I looked to only to see Pablo gazing at me warmly, his newspaper now put away so he could speak to me.

I wasn't sure what Pablo was, but he surely was special. He had an ability to read me and almost see my thoughts and how they're formed without me saying a thing. At first, I thought it was because of how close we were, but I realised that he could read people and know who they truly were within only minutes of knowing them. He was so observant, listening to every word you said and fully understanding the meaning behind those words. Even if you hadn't said anything at all.

It was how he knew I was too lonely to be on my own, so he came here early before I woke up and left late after I had fallen asleep so I wasn't alone anymore. Even if he wasn't in the same room as me. I assumed, it was also how he figured out that I wanted to work.

“Why are you asking me?” I finally responded after a long moment of staring at him. To any normal person, I would've come off as intimidating but Pablo remained calm and unbothered. At this point, I was sure my angry moods were only forms of entertainment for him. “You should know. You're the one in charge.”

“I'm not trying to dictate your entire life, Ara,” he said as he let out a deep breath. He seemed to look regretful, but I wasn't sure for what. Was it for locking me up in my own house or was it for bothering to converse with me? “I know it seems like I am, but...” he trailed off, leaving me to watch him expectantly as he tried to gather his thoughts.

“But what?”

“I just don't want you to hurt yourself anymore,” he said, looking almost desperate. I knew he had cried on the night I had tried to take my own life, but I wasn't sure just how much that moment in both our lives still affected him despite days passing. “Aren't you tired of this? Don't you want the pain to finally be gone?” he asked, making me shake my head and bring my attention back to the colouring book.

“I don't deserve to be happy.”

“Why do you think that?” he asked as he scooched his chair closer to me and took my hand in his.

I looked down at both our hands, allowing myself to feel the heat that travelled from him to me. “I don't think it. I know it,” I said with conviction.

“Why?”

“Because nobody wants me,” I finally answered directly. “Nobody loved me.”

“That's not true!”

“It's true!” I exclaimed feeling so sure in the point I was arguing, I couldn't even let him defend his own point. “My father left me and never made contact with me even though he kept contact with my mom. My mom threw me out of her house and even after she did, nobody looked for me,” I yelled, remembering the night I had almost killed myself as tears streamed from my eyes. “I could've died that night and not a single person who had been in my life before that had been concerned about my whereabouts. No missing persons case was filed. Nothing. Daniel didn't love me enough to stay with me and every friendship I've ever had, I've ruined. Anna, Celeste, Morgan. I'm the common denominator, Pablo! Everywhere I go, I'm bad luck to everyone,” I cried, finally feeling the hopelessness fall on me. “There's never going to be a place for me to go where I wouldn't cause trouble and I'm so tired of looking for one. I'm so tired of trying. I'm so tired of everything.”

“Why can't you see how much I love you?” he asked, sounding genuinely frustrated with my lack of understanding. “It's like talking to a brick wall. Everything I do, I've done for you.”

“And I've only made your life harder!” I argued back. “Now your relationship with Emma is ruined because of me and your life is in danger because someone wants to kill me.” Pablo looked at me as if I was the most stupid person he had ever met for thinking that, but I only shook my head and turned away from him. “Let them kill me. It would be for the best.”

He let a short moment of silence pass by us as he only stared at me, contemplating what to say next before finally asking, “What about Mateo?”

My heart lurched in my chest at the thought of my baby, but what once had been a lack of surety became conviction. “He has you,” I said, much to Pablo's disappointment. “He has Daniel. He'd be better of without me being a bad omen in his life.” Pablo had stayed silent even after I had finished talking, making me turn to look at him only to see the way the tears had pooled in his eyes. While at first, he seemed to be determined to help me, now the hopelessness was hard to ignore. He was finally beginning to give up on me. “Now you understand?” I asked as I blinked back my own tears. “Just let me go, Pablo.”

“Just give me three months,” he negotiated, making me raise my eyebrows at him. “Until Teo turns two and if you don't even feel slightly better by then...” he trailed off, not wanting to say it because who did?

It seemed rather morbid that in three months, my own brother would be giving me his blessing to kill myself, yet something in me told me that that wasn't how any of this was going to play out. Pablo may have felt hopeless now, but I knew he was still as determined as ever and there was nothing that was going to stop him from pulling out all the stops to make sure I got better.

On top of that, I found myself almost wanting to believe him. That there was an end to the constant agony I felt within me. That perhaps in three months, I wouldn't be in so much pain anymore and my life would suddenly have meaning. I knew I wasn't going to die in the next three months. Even if I remained the same, some external factor would stop me from dying but I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps I would be the thing to stop me from dying. It seemed farfetched to heal so much in only three months, but Pablo had sparked a small flame of hope within me and I couldn't help but look into my future with a different perspective.

A more positive one.