"5 years." I whispered. 

It had been five years since that last episode. My body cried out as I reached for the needle. I sat sprawled out in my small living room. The TV was on trying to drowned out the noise of the city. My head burned and my stomach churned. The shot glass beside me was empty and the plate beside it, untouched. 

Five years since he held me. 

Five years since I last collapsed. 

Five years since I had seen him. 

Five years since he told me he needed to move on. 

I sighed and curled my head down. I stabbed the needle into the pointe shoe. 

"OW!" I cried out as the needle found my pointer finger. I stuck my finger in my mouth and sucked. "WHY!" I yelled. "Why is my life this way?" 

Sitting up I looked at the small apartment. My kitchen was spotless, aside from the bottle of spirits on the counter. A tightness settled in my gut as I looked at my phone. The buzzing noise was grating on my nerves. 

It was Tiffany. She was worried. I could tell. Her frantic texts were flooding my phone. But I was motionless. I was nearing death. He had left me. He never loved me. 

I reached over and grabbed my phone. I picked up the call. 

"Hello." I answered, pulling my voice together. 

"Celia." She breathed. "You were scaring me. You promised you would call me tonight."

"Sorry. I was busy at the agency today and then I had to come home and sew new pointe shoes." I sighed and poured myself a glass of wine. 

"How you holding up?" She asked. 

"Fine. I have a shoot tomorrow, with NIKE, and then I have some acting classes at Juliard and then I have a ballet class at Juliard, and I go to my business classes tonight, then a call into my company." I sighed. "I get on a flight next week to LA for some filming and modeling, and then I have a booster convention for the company." I ran my hand through my hair. 

"You are running yourself thin." She commented. "You are going to get hurt." 

"No I won't." I answered. I took a drink from my wine glass. "Plus, it keeps my mind busy."

"Celia, I know he hurt you. I know you are hurting, but please come back." She begged. "Please. You have a break coming up. Please." 

"I can't." My voice broke. "I can't do that." 

"You can." She pleaded. 

"You have Daniel." I sighed. "I can't come and be apart of your guys' lives. I can't." 

"But you will." She stated. I could tell she was ready to cry. 

"But I am not going to. Listen to me Tiff. You have a life. You have someone who worships you. You are going to make a wonderful wife for him. He is so lucky. I can not, and I will not, come and be the single friend. I won't do it." I began to cry. "You two deserve some happiness, and you can not be worrying about me." 

"Cece, I want to." She whispered. "You are falling apart." 

"No I am not." I stiffened. "Fine, I will try." 

"Good. I miss you Ce." She sniffed. "I miss your smile and how you would laugh so hard at something Jordan would do that you would snort. I miss you." 

"I know." I swigged the rest of my wine and corked the bottle. I set it in the wine corner and washed my glass out. I walked back to my living area. The sounds of the city were abuzz and my head swam. "I know. I just can't risk seeing him." 

"You won't, but please I need your help with this wedding." 

I smiled. "Okay. I will try and come home." 

"I will hold you to that." 

"I know. Love you." I whispered.

"Love you too." 

I hung up and looked down at my hands. I had just made a promise I knew I couldn't keep. What was happening to me?