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Trigger warning: details in suicide ideation

CALEB VELLA

Trying to keep Evan awake before the doctor arrived was proving to be difficult, he grunted continuously and buried his body into mine. Desperate for my touch.

Zara was on her hands and knees clearing up Evan's sick, attempting not to gag but she did a good job. I knew she was a real one.

The doctor checks Evan over and ensures us that because he's awake and breathing, the likelihood of him having an overdose is slim. Having mentioned that he vomited the undigested tablets up, the doctor was happy to leave us.

If anything else happens then we should call the ambulance as soon as possible but he just needed rest. Some of the Xanax would have kicked in at this point and we knew that he would fall into a deep sleep soon.

Carrying Evan up to my room, he falls asleep against my shoulder. Kicking my door open with my foot and gently letting him down onto my bed, his body almost swallowed by the duvet.

His t-shirt was covered in sick and I hated the idea of him sleeping in this state. My feet move to my wardrobe and I dig for a spare top, wanting nothing more than for him to feel comfortable.

Peeling the stained fabric from his chest and replacing it with one of mine, my eyes wander down to his sweatpants and decide not to take them off. Tucking Evan under the black bed sheets and perching on the edge as I stare down at him.

His eyes clamped shut, I couldn't help but reach up and run his brown curls through my fingers.

"I'm here baby," I whisper. My hand trails from his face and down his arm, griping onto his little fingers. Bringing them up to my lips as I kiss gently. "I'm always here."

After feeling content with leaving Evan alone in my bed, I turn off the light and pull the door ajar. Taking a shower to clean myself up, resisting the urge to storm to Jaxon's house and demand to see Miles. Every inch of my body needed a distraction because I was a second away from letting my mind take control.

Instead I turn the shower to the coldest setting and close my eyes tightly. Focusing on the chills that shoot down my spine at the temperature.

I don't know how long I spent in the shower but it felt like hours. By the time I get back to my room, Evan hadn't moved an inch. His body laying in the same position as I left him.

Pulling on a pair of boxers and standing in the middle of my room. My eyes look at the space beside Evan but I knew better, I shouldn't invade his privacy. He needs the distance between us, he needs to make those decisions himself.

Perching down onto the couch beside my desk, laying down so I can pull a blanket over my body. Positioning my view towards the bed, watching Evan for a few moments before I attempted to sleep.

There is a hole in my heart and I knew it would only be full when Evan is in my arms for good.

. . .

Opening my eyes to the room still completely dark, my eyes hurt. Stung even. My body felt exhausted, my mind completely needed that rest.

Twisting against the couch and gently pulling the blankets off me, my attention turns towards the bed to see if Evan is okay.

My eyes deceive me when the bedsheets are pulled back messily and he's no longer in the bed. I quickly rub my eyes and shoot up, my feet almost stumbling.

I check the bathroom first and notice that the door is wide open, no one inside. An unsettling feeling washes over me. "Pups?" I call out as I enter my room again.

My eyes dart from the bed to the bedside table. A big gush of wind flushes against my skin and I turn towards the balcony. The doors open and the sheer curtains blowing gently in the air. I knew for sure that it was closed when we went to bed.

Walking closer, I notice as Evan sits on the other side of the railings. His feet dangling in the air.

"Evan!" I call out to him desperately.

His watery eyes snap to mine and he cries.

"What are you doing?" I question desperately. "Come back inside and we can talk."

"No," he sobs. "What's the point?"

My fingers tingle with pins and needles as I try my best to inch closer to him. "There is so much to live for Evan, please don't do this," I beg.

He shakes his head continuously at me. "I'm not happy Caleb, I'm never happy. This is the easiest thing to do."

"Please," I whisper, my heart shattering into a million pieces.

The hairs on my arms stand as I approach the balcony, my throat swallows harshly.

"I'm sorry," Evan cries before letting go of the railing and falling through the air.

"Evan!" My feet desperately push against the floor to get to the balcony.

It only took me a split second to see everything that would destroy me at once. I choke out a sob and raise my shaky hands to my mouth in shock. "Oh my God. Pups?!" I cry out to him.

Tears roll down my cheeks endlessly. His body didn't move, his blood splattered across the pavement. He was lifeless.

"Pups!" I yell loudly, my eardrums almost pop.

Panic sinks in every inch of my body. My legs no longer able to hold me up, I fall onto my back and scream and scream until my throat burned in pain.

. . .

A breath. That's all I needed, a breath.

Gasping as my eyes snap open and I look around the room frantically. It was still dark. My body covered in thick sweat, my chest heaving uncontrollably.

It was a dream, just a dream.

My eyes snap to the bed, the sheets pulled back messily and Evan nowhere to be seen.

"No, no, no," I mumble pathetically to myself as I push up from the couch and look towards the balcony.

Every inch of my skin itches, this can't be real. My dream can't be real. My blood felt like it was about to clog all my arteries because my heart wasn't beating fast enough.

The white balcony doors were wide open as light gusts of wind whips my chest. Everything inside of me sinks through my body and it felt like I had weights tied to my ankles.

"No pups, no," my voice cracks as I take a few steps closer to the edge.

Floods of tears escape my eyes before I even look over, this felt too real. This couldn't be real. My body shakes aggressively, bile rising in my throat at the thought of never seeing him again. The fear that stretched throughout my veins was painful, the idea of not knowing.

My eyes peak over the balcony and they well with tears when it sinks in that he wasn't there.

Turning my back sharply to the railing. "Pups?!" I shout as I enter the bathroom, taking a rapid glance around.

Empty.

"Evan!" I shout out loudly down the hall.

Panic stretches over my body, chaos ruling my mind. The only thing I could hear was my loud pants as I ran up and down the hall, desperately trying to find him. I hated that we couldn't mindlink, I hated that we didn't have our bond so that I could feel if something had happened to him.

"Pups!" I scream again, feeling helpless.

The sound of a doorknob turning aggressively echoes against the walls, Felix emerges from his room and stares back at me. "Caleb, what's going on?" He questions before rubbing his eyes as they adjust to the light.

"Evan, where is he?" I demand hoarsely.

Felix shrugs looking confused. "I don't know I have seen hi—"

"I need to know that he's okay," I quickly wipe my eyes free of my terrified tears.

"It's okay," Felix attempts to calm me. "We'll find him.

My hands dig into my hair and I pull roughly. "I'm scared somethings happened Felix and I wasn't there," I croak out as my eyes sting.

"Let's look downstairs," Felix attempts to sound reassuring and I nod back. "I'm sure he's here."

His words don't relax me because I could never trust my dreams, they were a representation of the future and that terrified me. Especially when it involves Evan.

"He wouldn't leave the house," Felix calls after me as I hurry down the stairs, my feet almost tripping up themselves.

My eyes squint as I look through the dark. "Evan?" I shout out again and again.

Felix scopes out the living room and the kitchen, calling out for him. I check every other room but all were empty, fuelling my dread even more.

"Fuck Felix, where is he?" I panic as my hands rest on the top of my head, tilting my eyes up to the ceiling. "I think something's happened and I don't know where he fucking is!"

My shoulders are grabbed aggressively. "Hey, listen to me," Felix says sternly. "You need to get your shit together, okay? We are going to find him and he's going to be fine."

I couldn't catch my breath, my lungs trying to take bigger gasps for air than I could handle.

"Let's check out the front," he says as he pushes me in the direction of the front door.

"If he's left Felix, we aren't going to find him," I ground out and he gives me a quick side eye.

"Stop being pessimistic okay, you think he'd leave after what happened with Miles?!" He exclaims.

We check the front of the house, hearing nothing but the sound of the wind and rustling of animals in the trees.

"He's in a bad place, I don't know what's going on in his mind and I'm freaking the fuck out. What if he's done something bad to himself?" I turn to Felix as my eyes water.

Felix's eyes train hard on mine. "Did you see something?" He questions.

I nod as I push open the front door and let Felix follow me inside. "Yeah and I refuse to let it be a reality but what if I'm too late?"

Felix shares a worried glance with me and it didn't fill me with hope.

"Maybe we'll have to do a search party—" I start.

"Caleb,"

"Search within a five mile radius incase he's out there in the woods or something, he's been drugged. He's not going to be in a good state of min—"

"Caleb,"

"—d and I doubt he's going to know how to get home in the dark, he's confused and he's hurt and I—"

"Caleb!" Felix yells at me, finally losing his patience.

My eyes snap to his as I escape my trancelike state. "The back door is ajar," he tells me.

I instantly push past him and rush through the doors, my eyes frantically looking through the darkness.

The sound of crunching rings in my ears and my senses become alert. Following the sound until I loop round the back of our house, my shoulder raise at the anticipation.

Just as I walk round the corner my eyes meet with his as he sits under the yard light, his body shaking from the cold.

His hand stuffed into a cereal box as he slams them into his mouth, chewing like he's missed his last seven meals.

"Oh my God," I yell out in relief, my knees almost buckling at the sight of him.

Evan stares back at me and before I know what I'm doing, I engulf him into a tight embrace. The cereal box dropping between us, Cheerios scattering across the floor.

"Oh my God pups," I breathe out as I squeeze him right to my chest. "You fucking scared the shit out of me, oh my God."

Evan's arms wrap around my lower back. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, a mouth full of Cheerios. "I was hungry and needed some air. I didn't mean to scare you."

I couldn't be angry, how could I be angry at him?

My fingers tangle into the back of his head, my chest heaving against his harshly. "Fuck," I curse under my breath as I close my eyes. "I was so worried. I-I thought something might of—"

Evan pulls away from me and looks up into my eyes, his hands gripping onto my forearms. "I'm sorry, I didn't think," he mumbles before shaking his head.

His eyes glimmer over with sadness and I have to pull him back into me before he makes my heart break even more. "Stop apologising, I just wanted to know that you're okay,"

"I'm okay," he whispers quietly into my chest.

Evan's little hand gently moves against my back, my heart finally forming together again.

. . .

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Is a sad chapter and hope wasn't too triggering for anyone. If you need someone to talk to about your feelings/mental health please don't hesitate to drop me a message💛

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