Chapter 21

The run was tense and quiet, neither of us saying a single word. We both knew we were no longer being followed, yet Varian continued to run. I didn’t object because my eyes were looking behind him for any sign of the white van and Him. But all I was able to see was the desolate road and void buildings.

Varian suddenly turned, the light dimming leaving us with the brick walls surrounding us. We were now in an alley, but this time it wasn’t night. We weren’t using the alley to sleep as we usually did, but to hide from the lab coats who only wanted to bring us back to the Lab.

Varian slowly let me down, my feet finally meeting the cold ground instead of the unpredictable air. His eyes met mine and something swelled inside me. The feeling was familiar, one I had grown used to when Varian had first arrived to the Lab. The heated feeling was hatred.

“Why did you do that?” I asked, breaking the silence, my voice ringing out louder than I expected. But I didn’t care whether my voice whispered through the wind or whether it howled; I only wanted to hear Varian explain himself.

But I didn’t allow Varian to voice his answer. There was a need inside me to hurt him, to inflict the pain he’d evasively inflicted upon me. It wanted Varian to know what it was like living a sheltered life only to be thrust out of it abruptly and into the harsh life the Outside offered.

One moment I was staring into Varian’s eyes and the next I found myself screaming at him, demanding him to give me answers. I was sure my screams were loud enough to attract unwanted attention but luckily, at the time, it was only us. It was only me screaming at Varian and Varian only staring back.

I don’t know what drove me to the screaming. I had only screamed once in my life, when He had tortured me. The pain had been unbearable then and had clawed its way through my throat. Now, all my emotions were surfacing, all of them directed towards Varian. He was the source of each emotion and also the one who silenced them.

Varian strode over to me, my own body coiling. I didn’t want him near me. He would only continue to hurt me, whether it was with purpose or accidental. His every move seemed to end with me in pain, every time.

He ignored my cringing and wrapped his arms around me, constricting my movement like a paralyzing serum. I could still feel the screams clawing their way out of my throat, hoping to startle Varian enough to let me go, but he held me with no hesitation. He didn’t even flinch when my nails found their way into his skin and scraped the surface, allowing blood to rise.

The screams descended until they were no more, replaced with salty tears. They didn’t stop, only continued down my face with consistency even as I leaned my head against Varian, suddenly needing his comfort.

I continued crying even as he whispered unintelligible words into my ear and ran his hand up and down my back in an oddly soothing way. The tears started calming down, the only sounds being my muffled hiccups and Varian’s whispering.

This was the most contact I’d ever allowed myself to have with Varian. There was another moment of physical contact in the Lab, but it had been involuntary. This was the first, partially voluntary contact we’d had. I was allowing Varian to comfort me right now. Instead of screaming uselessly and clawing at him, I was leaning against him and letting him silence me.

When I felt I was myself once again, I pulled away, wrapping my own arms around myself. I could only look down at the ground, unable to meet Varian’s eyes. If I did I would notice how blue they were and they would remind me of my door, which would remind me of the Lab. If I remembered the Lab, I would remember that Varian was the reason I wasn’t being transported back there currently and I would become angry all over again.

“We should start going soon,” Varian spoke, his voice soft as if he was trying his hardest not to shatter the girl in front of him.

“Why?” I whispered. The question still seared in my mind, demanding to be answered. I wasn’t moving until I had an answer attached to my question.

Varian didn’t answer right away; he only stared at me as if he was trying to figure something out before he replied. He found what he was looking for and countered, “Why do you care so much for them? Why do you care for the sick people who hurt you?” I finally looked up, seeing his frustrated look.

I bristled, not liking the question. You weren’t supposed to answer a question with yet another question. You were supposed to answer a question with an answer. Those were the two that went together, not a question and another question.

I thought it was apparent why I wanted to return to the safety of the Lab. I had made my dislike towards Varian very clear. But yet here he stood, asking me why I wanted to go back. Why did Varian want so badly to escape from the Lab?

Because it wasn’t his home. The Lab wasn’t where Varian had spent a very big majority of his life. He wasn’t used to the prodding and jabbing as I was. He’d only spent a few seconds with the lab coats, so he didn’t see the occasional smiles they would give like He had. But the Lab was my home and He was too.

He had tortured me, lied to me multiple times, yet I longed to hear Him call me the affectionate name ‘sweetheart’. I longed to hear Him tell me how proud of me He was for my scores during Testing Days. I longed to hear a story from Him and walked around the Lab with Him. Most of all, I longed to hear Him call me his favorite.

The Lab and Him, they were both my source of comfort. They were what was familiar to me. Without them, I wasn’t sure who I was, what purpose I served here. I lost my sense of identity without them. They were what described and made Experiment Arcelia 14786.

“They’re my comfort,” I replied quietly, unable to say that to Varian. He would only judge me. If I spoke my thoughts about the Lab and Him, Varian would grow into the same look of disgust Diana had held towards me. He would see me as an experiment, nothing more.

“Angel, you can find something else,” he tried, but I didn’t turn towards him like he wanted. I only continued staring at him, waiting for him to answer my question. “There are things out here that you could grow to like,” he pressed, seeming to hint at something that I couldn’t comprehend.

“I don’t like it out here,” I said, remembering the violent act I’d seen committed before my very eyes. “Why do you like it?” I asked suddenly and Varian scoffed, clearly offended by the question.

“I don’t like it, I hate it. But I’d give anything to be out here instead of trapped inside a lab being treated like a rat,” he replied, spitting out ‘rat’ to show his distaste for the Lab.

“Is it because of the books? Is that why you stay out here?” I asked, his reaction towards Leo surfacing in my mind. Varian had seemed to want to give Leo anything other than his books. This was illogical of course, seeing as books were no longer of importance.

Varian’s eyes darkened and he reluctantly replied, “That’s one of the reasons.”

The vague tone of his answer angered me. Why was I required to answer his questions, but he wasn’t required to answer mine? Only He was allowed to ask questions of me and never answer my own. Did Varian think he was superior to me? Did he think my questions were too irrelevant for him?

I said the one thing that had floated through my mind since I’d met Varian. Although it seemed to waver now and again, it always remained there whether it lurked or flashed itself.

“I hate you.”

Varian’s eyes flashed with many emotions, the clearest being pain. Neither of us spoke, only stared at one another until Varian leaned down and picked up our bag. He didn’t say a single word as he strode out the alley, disappearing around the corner.

I paused before following, wondering whether my words had been appropriate. Had they been too harsh of a thing to say? I wanted to ask Varian, but refrained from doing so. He was back to ignoring me and I didn’t want to anger him further by speaking to him. If I let him think to himself during our walk maybe he would talk to me later.

Varian didn’t utter a single word the whole walk. He seemed focused on walking as fast as possible which, of course, I easily kept up with. I couldn’t seem to understand why he was walking so fast. Were we almost at his destination? Was he trying to escape from something I couldn’t see?

He eventually stopped, turning swiftly into an alley without warning. I hesitated before joining him. He was already lying down, his face turned towards the wall and away from me. I wondered whether he had done that accidental or on purpose.

I laid down carefully, staring at Varian’s form. Judging by his expanding and deflating chest, he was still awake. Yet he said nothing to me. Was I supposed to say something first?

“Goodnight Varian,” I said quietly, but loudly enough for him to hear. All I heard was mute silence in return.