CATRINA

"I'll pick you up at 6?"

"Yes, sure," I say and hang up. It's decided. I am going out for dinner with Connor Lupe and I am on the verge of losing my mind.

Fuck! I don't have a proper dress,  neither do I have  dolled myself up and I always used to doll myself up for Connor.

But this is just to appease Connor. It isn't meant as a real date.

That critical side of my sub-conscious always manages to rear its head when I feel like I'll drown in my own mess.

Letting out a slow groan instead of screaming like I want to, I get up from the couch and walk into my bedroom, opening my wardrobe to look into my clothes. I rummage through the piles and piles of t-shirts and blouses and jeans and track pants and come to a realisation that I own only a few dresses.

I can't go out on a date wearing a t-shirt, can I? Wouldn't it look weird? It will just highlight my reluctance and I can't do that to Connor. Not to anyone on that matter.

Taking a chair from the living room, I carry it into the bedroom and towards the wardrobe. Climbing on the chair, I try to reach up to that box on the highest shelf of my wardrobe, balancing myself and almost not managing to trip.

Finally, I have that box in my hands and I jump down, blowing away the slight sheen of dust settled on it and open the box. The sight of those neatly folded dresses brings tears to my eyes and quickly wipe them away. Recalling the past has always been difficult for me, especially if those memories are related to Connor.

It's been 7 years but still, there are so many things that revolve around those memories. Even when he wasn't there with me, I thought of him, of what he would think and once, I just went on a small yet crazy shopping spree where I bought half a dozen dresses. Dresses which Connor had told me will suit me. I never wore them but I bought them and directly kept them in this box.

These new but never even worn once dresses make me realise how much I have isolated myself in my new job and commitments. With no bitch friends to gossip with, I am more alone.

Making a promise to myself that I'll try to be more outgoing after this date is done and dusted, I pull a few dresses out of the box that are in varying shades of peach, sky blue, maroon, green and black.

I settle on the least revealing dress, the blue coloured lace dress which only shows a bit of cleavage but otherwise is good enough to wear. I just hope I fit into it.

Done with selecting my dress, I feel a little relieved. I set on getting my home cleaned, planning to start getting ready by 5. That way I will have an hour to get ready.

~~~~~

The bell rings just when the clock ticks at 6 pm. Knowing Connor and his punctual attitude, I got ready on time and don't make him wait at the door. I open the door to reveal a very handsome looking Connor wearing a  pair of blue jeans, a dark grey t-shirt and a thin coat jacket. He looks good, better than he did in school.

Oh, God! What an understatement. I might jump him but our present situation doesn't just sit well for this behaviour.

A throat clearing startles me out of my staring and I quickly look up at Connor, who's smirking in his Classic Connor way. How I long to swat him on the head!

"Let's go," I say, trying very hard to not look embarrassed. He caught me staring. I am an expert in making a fool out of myself.

"You look beautiful and I don't mind you staring at me," he says cheekily and I huff still blushing at his compliment. We walk out of my apartment building and he leads me to his car where he holds open his car's door for me to climb in his BMW X5. Last time there was some other car.

How many cars does he own? I do not voice my question and settle down in the seat after fastening my seat belt while Connor drives out of the garage.

"So where are we going?" I ask, turning my head to watch him drive.

"I never really took you out on a real date," he says in his husky voice which still sends a shiver of pleasure to my core.

"That's okay. We were in school." I shrug and brave myself to put on a nonchalant mask.

"But still. I've planned everything for tonight so just humour me, okay?" he asks a bit nervously and I nod.

"Okay, but tell me the name of the place?" I say, not quite able to handle this surprise.

"No. It's a surprise for a reason and you'll see. No more questions about the date, please," he says and my thoughts get distracted while watching him drive. The slight flexing of his wrist while steering to the right, the way he so easily and casually drives the car turns me on.

I am surprised and shocked with my body's reaction but I blame it on my nerves and my not so active sexual life.

"Fine."

"You wanted to be a doctor, didn't you?" he asks all of a sudden breaking my train of thought processes. Welcoming this conversation so that I don't look like a bitch in heat, I reply.

"Yes, I wanted to be a doctor but things didn't go well so I chose to study nursing," I answer making it as vague and authentic as possible.

"What? Your parents' death?" he asks but I shake my head. It wasn't that and I don't want to let him know that he was the major reason why I am not living my dream.

"Things were difficult for me and I wasn't strong enough to cope. But I love my job of a maternity nurse," I say defensively.

"Sure, the Ivanovs were very happy with your work," he compliments and I sigh in relief. It's always good to hear that the new mothers are satisfied with my job. I am new at it but I try to be as co-operative and understanding as possible.

"How's your family?" I ask and immediately want to snatch it back. There's no point in trying to sound like long lost besties. Thankfully, I don't detect any wariness in his expressions but I do notice the slight clenching of his fingers around the steering wheel.

"They are good. My dad doesn't live with us anymore. He and his mom have separated. But my mom is quite happy in her life. My sister just got... married," he says.

"Oh, Congratulations to your sister but I'm sorry about your parents' separation."

"It's okay. Mom's happy and I don't much care about my dad's wellbeing at this point," his bitter words somehow affect me more. What would've gone wrong? I'd never met his parents but from what he told me, they sounded pretty much in love.

"How's your family?" he asks and it's my turn to stiffen.

"After mom dad passed away, things got tense between me and Fiona. She didn't like my sisterly meddling in her life so I left," I say. It's partly true but the reason for the tension between me and Fiona was not my parents' death. Connor doesn't reply, only offers me a reassuring smile then turns back to focus on the road ahead. Holding onto my composure by only a sliver, I take a deep breath and focus on the surrounding.

The city lights go dimming as we speed on the road. Trees and cottage style homes replace big apartments and work offices. It feels a little suspicious to me that he's taking me out somewhere in a jungle?

"Where are we going, Connor?"

"It's a surprise. Don't worry we won't be having dinner in a jungle," he chuckles when I turn instantly with wide eyes.

"How did you...?"

"Trust me. I had seen the big stack of romance books hidden under your clothes in the wardrobe," he laughs while I am made to remember how immature he had made me feel when he found those books.

"Romance is only in the novels. Happily, ever after is not reality. You will be happier if you accept this, Cat instead of pretending to be a character from your romance novels."

I laugh nervously and turn my head towards the window again, to gather some strength. I can't let all his words affect me like this. As the realisation, that Connor still has a huge effect on my emotions, sets in, I just pray that this night doesn't end in tears for me.

~~~~

"This is a house," I say, unsure of the view in front of me. I keep staring at the house. It's beautiful. Not a mansion but a small cabin-like house for a family. I suck in a breath when the image of me, Connor and two babies running around us flashes in front of my eyes.

"Yes, it is. It's my house. I thought that you'd be more comfortable if we had dinner here instead of a restaurant," he says, almost shyly and rubs the back of his neck.

I just nod, unable to reply. I don't know what to make of this gesture. It shows that he's put in a lot of efforts in this date whereas I've been thinking of just getting done with this date. It is also true that he wasn't searching for me. We met accidentally and only because of that fact is Connor making such an effort.

I let out a huge breath and then follow Connor when he gestures for me to follow him.

"I hope your tastes are the same as they were when we were together," he says and makes it even more difficult for me to focus on this date.

"That depends on what you've ordered," I say, putting in a huge effort to sound normal but my voice sounds strained even to me.

"Uh-huh... I made it."

"What?" I am surprised. When did he learn to cook? The entire year he lived in that rented apartment, he survived on take-outs, only occasionally allowing me to cook a small meal for him.

"Yes, I learned to cook. My mom doesn't stay with me anymore. I live alone and take-outs are not all according to my preferences. So, I learnt to cook," he says, shrugging his shoulders as if it's not a big deal. He moves towards me and I tense for a split second but quickly shake out of it when he asks for my coat.

He hangs both our coats on the stand and then motions towards the dining room. It's dimly lit, a cosier atmosphere and a round table in the middle of the room with two plush chairs arranged opposite to each other.

The view outside the window catches my attention and has me transfixed. The forest's view with its thick branches and the snow-covered ground makes it look as if it's straight out of a book. The snow shines because of the moonlight, giving the viewer a mesmerising look.

"I thought you would love the view from this room so I set the table here. Do you like it?" asks Connor distracting me from the beautiful view.

"It's beautiful. It's nature! You are lucky to have a home with such a view. I would just sit here, gazing into the forest, all night," I compliment, turning to look at him. He has a weird expression on his face, maybe because of my comment.

"I would rather look at you, all night," he says and walks towards me until our chests are touching each other. He lifts his hand and takes a strand of my hair in his hand, tugging my curls and then watching with childish fascination as it springs back into curls.

The intimacy of the moment somehow makes me feel content. It feels refreshing to have Connor so close to me without actually touching me. This is not sexual, it feels like it's more, and the feeling is amazing.

He bends his head and buries it in my hair, inhaling deeply. I sigh at the feeling of his scent surrounding me, cocooning me. His hands rest on my hips while mine are still at my side. I don't dare touch him, in the fear that it will snap him out of his thoughts.

"I want to kiss you, Solnysko," he whispers in my ear, his breath fanning over my neck sending a shiver of awareness down my spine.

"Connor... I...,"

~~~~

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