CATRINA

"Shhh, just once. May I?" he asks and then cups my cheeks to look into my eyes. The intensity of his gaze makes liquid heat pool in between my legs and I stifle the urge to squirm. These feelings are too much and ones which I have never felt before. Not with anyone else neither with Connor.

He bends his head, his lips hovering above mine, waiting for my permission and I give in to the urge by wrapping my arms around his neck and going on my toes to press a soft hesitant kiss on his lips. He doesn't let my brain take over and soon our lips touch.

Connor kisses me fervently as if he is trying to fuck with a kiss. Nipping at my lower lip he seeks entrance in my mouth, taking over the kiss and I go lax in his arms. He pulls me closer, one of his hands tracing my waist while the other hand moving down dangerously toward the curve of my ass.

I let him, wishing that he would cup my ass and squeeze them. No one's familiar with my body as Connor is, perhaps not even me. He knew every sensitive spot of my body and probably still knows with the way he settles his hand on my ass and gives it a small squeeze.

A moan slips out of my mouth which is swallowed by him as our tongues duel for dominance but ultimately, Connor takes over and now I am totally supported by him. My knees feel like jelly when we part and I feel something like the head rush when I take in huge breaths to calm my breathing.

"My little sun," he whispers, once again cupping my cheeks and then he presses a soft kiss on my forehead. My icy resolve to pretend about not caring for him melts away with that gesture. I sigh and rest my head against his chest, trying to take hold of my emotions, my arms still around him, seeking comfort as well as support to stand upright.

"Let's have dinner," he says when I don't reply to his claim of me being his. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't even know if this is just a game for him and I don't want tonight to be tainted by my bitter memories.

I nod, grateful when he takes the lead and pulls out a chair for me. I sink into the plush seat watching Connor as he takes a seat opposite to me and then regards me with a look that makes me red in the face.

I duck my head and concentrate on the plate and the bowls filled with delicious food. All my favourite. He's gone all out for this date. Something which he didn't bother about all those years ago when we were actually dating.

He takes the lead and starts piling my plate with all the food and then fills up the glass with red wine. I've never drunk wine before. I've been drunk only once but not on a date.

If I remember clearly then, it was with my bitch friends, under their pressure that I went drinking and then Connor found out and he locked me up in his apartment until I was sober again. I also got a lecture on people taking advantage of drunk girls.

"What are you thinking?"

I blink twice to clear the memories and look at Connor. He's staring at me, waiting for my reply. I smile at his attentiveness. He's a charmer and he knows how to use it.

"Just remembering the time when you locked me up in your bedroom as a punishment for getting drunk."

"I don't think you suffered in that punishment. As far as I remember, you got the most pleasure out of that punishment," he says, his mouth so sexily tipped up at the corners that I feel like kissing him again.

We both laugh at the memory but soon the air turns nervous and I lift the wine glass to take a sip, to distract myself and not appear jittery. It'll give him a chance to pounce.

I eat the food on my plate, steadily finishing off a quarter of my food when suddenly I don't like this quiet awkward atmosphere. It's stifling and I'll choke on my food if I don't speak, so I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.

"Your home is beautiful." I feel my cheeks redden after hearing my own words and quickly duck my head when I catch Connor's faint chuckle. He covers it up by coughing but I catch it.

"It's the family house, now inherited by me. It's a small consolation compared to the mess my dad left behind."

"I assume, he left you all behind?" I ask, unable to keep quiet. I know I shouldn't pry but that's me. I can't keep my curiosity in check.

"He was greedy. He almost sold my sister off to a foreigner. She was lucky that the guy was sensible and let her marry whomever she wished," he says robotically but I detect that he's trying to control himself.

"I am so sorry..."

"It's okay. You can ask anything you want. In fact, I want to tell you a lot of things, starting with getting back together. I want you back, please."

I am shocked at his forwardness. I look up at him then down at my almost finished plate and then back at him.

"I am not sorry for my eagerness. Looking at you after so many years just made me realise how much time I wasted. I made so many mistakes and the biggest one was to leave you. I swear on my life, Solnysko, I'll lay it all down at your feet. Just give me a chance."

I sit still for a long time after he finishes his speech. He's sitting in front of me with a hopeful yet desperate expression. I can't take it anymore. It's too much. This place, this food, everything that has happened since he picked me up has overwhelmed me. Unable to hide my pain and frustration, I just blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.

"But that day, when I first saw you in the hospital, you ignored me. You even told the Ivanovs that you don't know me."

He is already shaking his head as I finish speaking and then mutely clears off the table with all the plates and bowls. I sit quietly, resigned. Maybe he realised that I am too much work. Getting back into a relationship with a person you already dated is difficult, more difficult than a new blind date. Or maybe, I am just a difficult person to be with.

I argue a lot. I tend to solve things logically instead of being overly emotional but Connor, he has always been an impulsive guy. He got what he wanted and if not then he simply took.

I get up from the chair, feeling stupid all of a sudden. I shouldn't have come here. This was a bad idea. We were never meant to be. My chest constricts in pain at the thought of him not being mine.

I've lost so much. I can't take that risk again. If he leaves me again, I won't be able to recover from that blow and I am not strong enough to take that chance. Not after knowing what being with Connor is like.

I've just taken a step out of the dining room when I am pulled back into a hard chest. I immediately relax when I feel that it's Connor.

"Where do you think you are going? Our date is not done yet," he whispers in my ear, making a sliver of need slither through my spine. Only Connor brings out this side of my body.

"You stood and cleared the plates...."

"Yes, I did and then set up the desert," he cuts me off and then turns me to face him without putting any distance between us. My hands automatically rise to rest on his chest, to push or to pull him, I don't know.

"I don't think we should be getting back together. Maybe we just weren't meant to be," I whisper, looking up into his green eyes. They are darker now and his eyes are sparkling, maybe because of the moonlight falling on his eyes from this angle. I try to sound as gentle as possible so as to not hurt his ego. Men don't like to be said no but at this point, I can't just give in. I've lost too much.

As soon as those words fall out of my mouth, his hold on my waist tightens and he pulls me closer. Where earlier there was an inch of space between our chests, now I am completely plastered on him. My breasts press into his chest. With each breath, I feel his hardness rubbing over my nipples and it makes me hot and wet for him. This instant response to his single touch now scares me.

"Is there a connection between your hesitancy and your illness because of which your graduation got delayed?" he asks and all my thoughts come to a standstill. This sudden change of topic and that too this topic is making me panic. I gasp in shock. He knows.

Oh my God!

Does he know what happened to me?

"I... What are you talking about?" I ask. I am not sure if he knows because if he knew he wouldn't have been so calm, or would he? Would he care?

"Solnysko, I know something happened after I left you but I also know that you are not the girl who'll miss her exams just because of a break-up. You loved me unconditionally, I know but the way I behaved with you...." he trails off and then runs his knuckles over my cheek. I close my eyes and that's when I feel the wetness over my cheeks.

"Please. I know you wouldn't put your career aside, not after the way I broke up with you. Please tell me. It feels like I am missing something important," he says and at this point, I am the one holding onto him tightly. With each word that comes out of his mouth, those images of blood and pain flash before my eyes more vividly.

I open my mouth to tell him but a huge sob escapes and now I am crying loudly in his arms. Connor scoops me up and carries me somewhere. I don't pay attention, too absorbed into the memories of my loss as I clutch on his shirt tightly, resting my face in the crook of his neck, weeping uncontrollably.

Connor lays me down on something soft and I realise that it's a bed. He doesn't let go of me and I sit up. The moment I do, he pulls me in his lap.

"Shhh, baby. I am here. I promise I'll never leave you again. Just tell me what it is. I am sorry for leaving you, for calling you a cheater," he pleads. I am hiccupping now but I've made up my mind. It's now or never.

"I was pregnant," I drop the bomb and feel Connor still beneath me. His hard body becomes harder in a second.

"What?" he growls, like a real growl as if he's an animal. I lean back from his embrace to look into his eyes. They are sparkling more. I gasp at the look in his eyes. He looks fierce, scary and something very wild. Leaning back a little I fall out of his lap and on the bed causing him to growl louder which makes my hackles rise.

This is not the Connor I know. He's even looking different. He's staring at me as if he's going to rip me into pieces. I go to slowly move out of the bed, trying very hard to not startle him. He looks as if he's in some kind of a trance as if he's trying to focus hard but is controlling himself.

Just as I put a foot on the floor, I am snatched and pulled flat on my back on the bed. I scream when Connor towers over me, laying down on me, letting me take his weight. His elbows come down to rest on both sides of my head, trapping me under him.

"I'll never hurt you, Catrina. You can't expect me to not react after dropping such news on me," he whispers but it still sounds like a rumble. I let it slide for now as his intense gaze shifts something inside of me. A sense of calm washes over me and I relax a little, knowing that he won't hurt me. There is something different in him but I am safe from it, I am sure of that.

"I tried finding you. I called you so many times but your phone was switched off. I also went by your apartment but they said that you left," I sob, remembering the feeling of being lonely even when I had my family. They were so angry with me for getting pregnant before marriage. They even threatened to disown me but I stood firm on my decision of keeping the babies.

"There was an emergency. My father was summoned by our family's elders for disowning me," he replies and I have a feeling that he is hiding something. He closes his eyes and then rests his forehead on mine before letting out a huge breath. "Tell me," he urges and I swallow before letting it all out.

"I was pregnant with our twins. My parents threatened to disown me but I didn't let that deter me. The person who left me at their doorstep when I was a small kid had also given them financial help for taking care of me so they couldn't actually disown me," I laugh sadly before continuing, "But I couldn't carry them to term. I was in the second trimester when I suffered from the vanishing baby syndrome. My parents weren't at home and Fiona didn't care enough to accompany me to the hospital and by the time I reached the hospital, it was too late. I lost both of our babies that night," I finish off in a rush, feeling out of breath.

Connor is now holding onto me tightly and I feel his back trembling. His face is resting in my neck and I feel his hot breath on my skin which oddly sends a shiver through me. My skin that was chilled is now rapidly warming up because of the heat radiating off from Connor's body.

"I don't know what to say, baby. I can't breathe," he says and then leans back to look at me. His eyes hold a deep sense of loss, I think I even see a hint of wetness in his eyes but blame it on the light playing games on my eyes. Or maybe it's the tears in my eyes that's making everything blurry.

"I can't be with you without reliving those memories. I sometimes think that if we had been together, I wouldn't have miscarried like that. I don't know about what-ifs but I am not strong enough to forget about the possibility of having a family with you when I never actually had one and then you left me without any care in the world."

There I said it. I've poured my heart out there. He'll know how much important he is to me and maybe then he would understand that I can't live without him. It's better to stay afar from each other, in those memories and not giving him the chance of leaving me again.

"We can get back together. We can have babies again, Solnysko. Think about it. I promise I'll never leave you, Catrina. Never again," he says fiercely, framing my cheeks, forcing me to look into his eyes. They are promising, it's tempting. I want to trust him but that's not possible.

"No Connor. It's not possible," I say, hoping that he would just leave it there and not pressurize me.

"Why, baby? Seven years I lived without you. I knew something was missing but didn't know exactly what it was until I walked in that hospital room and saw you holding that baby. Since then, the thought of having you hold our baby is the only thing that's running in my mind," he pleads and some more tears roll down my temples.

"I can't Connor. I can't give you what you want," I whisper, my voice trembling with more tears.

"Why? Tell me, nothing will stop me from loving you, baby," he whispers against my lips and it takes all the power in me to turn away and not let his lips touch mine.

"The night I lost our babies, I was hurt and the doctor said that my chances of becoming pregnant again are very slim," I cry, not able to keep calm anymore. He's shaking his head and opens his mouth to say something but I beat him to it.

"I am barren, Connor. I can't have a baby ever again," I cry and somehow me speaking out those words make it more final as if this thing seals my fate and now Connor will surely not want me anymore.

I just know it. 

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