Trigger warning:- This chapter mentions topics of assault and suicide. Please proceed with caution.

~∆×∆~

1 year ago (during 12th grade)

People say there is a thin line between love and hate. If you manage to identify it and jump over to love, your life will turn much better. In my case, that thin line was myself, trapped by my thoughts and memories.

On one side, I could choose to just forget about all the bad stuff that had happened to me, and on another side, I could let myself drown in the painful memories - only a few steps were needed to cross the imaginary border, but I never got the strength to do so.

With each passing day, my will to live reduced. I knew I wasn't the only one who had a bad experience, but I was aware my hurt didn't need anyone else's validation. My parents were out of the picture; I refused to see them after that unfatefull day. I had my grandpa, but the only person I was living for was my best friend.

Ved got hurt because of me. He always protected me, but on my tenth birthday, he almost lost his life. That possibility of losing my friend because of me still haunted me. It was because of me that Ved enrolled into martial arts classes as soon as we entered sixth grade.

As for me, I was still a coward, a whiny little kid who needed his best friend to protect him even after going to high school. I wouldn't be able to count how many times Ved stood up against my bullies or took me to the hospital in emergency.

More than my parents, he was more of a parental figure to me even though we were the same age. In high school, a lot of students and even teachers used to comment how Ved always acted like my shadow. Actually, it was the opposite. I was the one who always wanted to have him by my side because I was afraid 24X7.

The fear of being cornered and being assaulted had become a second nature to me. I was always on alert, even in my own house. That's why Ved was at my place most of the days.

I was fully dependent on him, and if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have been able to pass my 11th grade at all. He was my teacher, guardian, mentor, support system - basically, he was the only one I needed and trusted in my pathetic life.

I knew Ved cared for me and never got frustrated because of me, but I did feel bad for holding him back. There were times when he would leave his most important work for me. He would cancel tournaments held outstation whenever I needed him, and he would not think twice before prioritising me over anyone else.

He called me his chuddy buddy, his bestest friend, but I knew what I had become for him. A chain, a dead weight which dragged him back from living his life properly.

All of this emotional baggage was mine, but Ved was carrying most of it. I wondered how he was able to smile even after dealing with my shit. Slowly, I could no longer see my friend in constant worry for me.

If I was out of the equation, Ved would no longer have had to suffer. Thus, during the preparations of my 12th grade's second unit tests, I took a tough decision of ending my life. I had been pondering over it for three months and finally came with a date for the deed.

I chose the day when Ved had to leave with his mother and younger brother to visit Krittika Aunty's parents. Ved was able to leave since my health was okay, and my grandfather was at home to look after me.

I let my phone's battery die on its own and sent my grandpa out to get me some ingredients for baking cake. Grandpa was happy to see me involving myself in some kind of hobby, so he instantly agreed to my wish.

Once he left, I locked the main door and went to my room. After closing the door behind me, I stared at the items in front of me. My hands trembled as I picked up the nylon rope in my hands. As I imagined myself struggling due to strangulation and gasping for breath, a cold sweat broke through.

I sat down on my bed as that little voice in my head tried to talk me out of the drastic step I was going to take.

Ayush, suicide is not the solution.

It is for me.

What will you achieve? Don't harm yourself for something that wasn't your fault. Have patience. Think about your grandpa and Ved.

They will be better off without me. Can't you see how much they suffer because of me? Only if I can just forget everything, all of us could live peacefully, but am I able to do that? No.

You are being very harsh on yourself. You are not a coward. Your pain maybe a part of you, but you are not the reason for it. It is okay to cry and have the past memories engulf you. Give yourself some time, Ayush.

What if I am like this till I get old? Grandpa would be dead by then and what would be his last memories? Handling a man who couldn't overcome his hurt? He will die seeing his grandson as a pathetic guy.

No, he won't.

And what about Ved? You think he deserves to be a parent to someone his age? I have become poison for him.

Ayush, please-

Look, let me get this over with soon before grandpa comes back.

With shivering hands, I picked up the rope again and moved my bed to the side. Placing my study chair under the ceiling fan, I felt tears springing up to my eyes. I stood on the chair and made a loop of the rope. After inhaling a deep breath, I grabbed the rope tightly; my eyes widened at the gap through which I was going to enter my head.

Don't think too much about it now, Ayush. This is it. With the end of you, your best friend and grandpa will be able to start their new lives. Do it for them.

I gulped nervously and slowly began moving my neck forward. The moment the rope touched my neck, and my body had numbed, I heard a loud voice near my ear.

"Ayush, I choose you!"

I snapped my head back and glanced around my room.

What the fuck? I was sure I heard someone yell in my ear. Wait. Not someone - that voice sounded familiar to Sandhya.

"Ayush, fight."

I closed my eyes as I heard her voice again. My mind flashed a specific childhood memory from fourth grade, and I relived it slowly.

∆

"Ayush, I choose you!" Sandhya yelled proudly.

"I am not your Pokemon!" I shouted back.

Sandhya pushed me in front of Ved and smirked.

"Ayush is going to fight for me," she said.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"He is my best friend. You can't put him against me," Ved accused Sandhya.

"He is my best friend too," Sandhya fired back. She looked at me and nodded. "You can take him down, Ayush. I know you are strong."

"Why don't you fight yourself?" Ved asked her.

She twisted her lips. "I don't feel like fighting today. That's why Ayush will take my spot."

"No, he won't!" Ved shouted.

Sandhya grabbed my wrist and pulled me beside her. "You think Ayush is not capable of defeating you? I bet he will beat you up in no time."

Ved glanced at me. "Is she really your friend? She wants you to get hurt."

Sandhya placed me in front of her. "Ayush, go! You are the strongest and bravest person I know."

"Ayush, don't listen to her. I won't be fighting with you," Ved said.

Sandhya and Ved argued with each other while I stood like a statue between them. When I kept getting thrown back and forth between them, I couldn't control my anger.

I pushed both of them away from me and glared at them. "I am not going to repeat it again, so listen carefully. I am not a toy you keep tossing between each other, and if you guys drag me into your fights again, I will not be friends with either of you.

"You guys keep dragging me but never ask my opinion. Sandhya, I don't like violence and no matter which Pokemon you consider me to be, I am not fighting with Ved. And Ved, she is my best friend too, so stop fighting over me everytime."

I knew Ved and Sandhya wouldn't be that much affected, but I saw them staring at me with wide eyes. Other students were also looking at me as if I had transformed into some alien.

"Whoa, did you see that?" one of my classmates commented. "Ayush shut up both Ved and Sandhya in one go."

"He is the only one who can handle them," another classmate said.

"He might seem shy, but it is better not to anger him," someone else said.

Ved and Sandhya nodded and apologized for their behaviour. Sandhya held her ears and pouted.

"I am sorry, Ayush. I promise I will not encourage you to fight for me again," she said.

"I am also sorry, Ayush. I know you are strong, but I didn't want you to get hurt," Ved said.

I took a deep breath. "It is okay."

"You said we never ask for your opinion. So... what game shall we play today? We will do as you say," Sandhya said.

"Yup," Ved agreed.

"Don't ever feel shy of us and tell us everything you want," Sandhya said.

∆

What I want? I want to see you again. I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to be the strongest and the bravest person you know, and I want to yell at you for leaving me behind. I want to face you and ask you why you never came back.

Sandhya, I want to hear your voice again. I want to live without pretending to be okay.

"You think Ayush is not capable of defeating you? I bet he will beat you up in no time."

Sandhya's words rang again in my ears. I knew I was capable of defeating anything, but my confidence was really low. It didn't mean I couldn't help myself though.

After reliving the memory, I opened my eyes slowly and left the rope. I got down from the chair and placed it aside. I glanced at the rope hanging from the fan, mocking me.

"I am not giving up so easily. I will become the strongest and bravest person in my life," I said and glared at the rope.

As I was staring at the ceiling fan, I heard my room's door open and grandpa's eyes becoming the size of saucers when he saw the scenario in my room.

"How did you open the door?" I asked.

"I always carry a key with me in case of an emergency, kid. And, I think I am getting a heart attack," Grandpa said as his eyes shifted between me and the hanging rope.

"I am not going to do it," I said.

"Come and hug your old man then."

I rushed towards him and squeezed him in my arms. He hugged me back tightly and told me that he would be informing Ved about what I was planning to do.

"He will worry unnecessarily, Grandpa. Let's keep it between us," I pleaded.

Grandpa shook his head. "More than me, he needs to know. I am not hiding anything from that boy."

As Grandpa said, he called up Ved, and as expected, Ved was in my house before the sun went down.

He had tears pooled up in his eyes, and when he hugged me, I could feel his body shiver.

"I am okay, Ved. I am here," I said.

"Did you try to kill yourself?" Ved asked in a low voice.

"I stopped before I did."

Ved let out a huge breath. "Thank goodness."

"I am sorry, bro."

"You don't have to apologize to me. I am glad you are okay."

"You won't believe what stopped me."

Ved looked at me seriously. "What?"

"I remembered that I am the strongest and bravest person."

Ved blinked rapidly as his lips became a straight line. "Okayyyyy."

I broke out laughing at his sheepish expression. I knew he was surprised that I didn't need his help to calm down, but I knew I would always need him in my life.

"Let's bake some cake, what say?" I asked.

"Sure," Ved replied. "I love cakes."

"Butterscotch?"

"Definitely."

I wasn't sure how I would react if I ever saw Sandhya again. If I was ever going to see her again that is.