"You are a certifiable bad-ass." Vanessa says with awed respect.

"That or a lunatic." I smile weakly.

I printed out the photos of the exam papers and taped them up all over my room. The yellow wall behind my desk is almost hidden by them. Vanessa is staring at it all, standing in the middle of my room, eyes and mouth wide open. I'm lying, exhausted on my bed after a full day of school on exactly zero hours of sleep. 

The entire senior class was pulled into an assembly after my little escapade. They knew it must've been a student. They figured it was just another prank, but the perpetrator or perpetrators had been foiled by the security guard before they could actually do anything. Ms. Wexler, the Principal, was apoplectic with rage, according to Derrick. She went on a rant about how this year's senior class was the worst behaved she'd ever encountered. She said she only wished they had revealed themselves sooner, so she could've cancelled Prom. She promised that anyone caught making the slightest misstep would be expelled, never mind that they only had a week left of school. It would go on their permanent record and good luck getting into college after that.

No one even dreamed it could be a junior who pulled that kind of a stunt. Even the seniors were sure it was one of them. Macie was hounded by her friends, desperate to know who she was getting revenge on now. She kept quiet and coy, refusing to say if it was her or not, which of course made everyone certain it had been her. It secured her legend status at Mont Michel and I was more than happy not to be implicated at all. 

Maybe it's something about Austin Loew that turns all his ex-girlfriends into vigilantes.

"I only wish you'd told me so I could've come with you!" Vanessa sighs, her tone reproachful. 

I want to laugh. I can't think of anyone less suited to covert operations than Vanessa. 

"Do you really think he was in the play with me?" She adds, looking over the highlighted playbill crumpled on my desk.

"Yes." I yawn. "I believe it because I have no other leads and I just have to find him."

There's a knock at the door.

"Come in!" I call out, fighting back another yawn.

"Hey..." Alex walks in, then stares dumbly at the paper on the walls. "Jeez... What the hell is this?"

"It was Harlow who broke into school!" Vanessa replies in a rush.

There's still just a hint of coldness in her voice. She hasn't actually forgiven Alex for not telling us about Macie and Austin. Vanessa is never one to hold back on saying how she feels. She was quick to tell Alex that, in no uncertain terms, he is a horrible friend for letting me date Austin. Up until then he hadn't known about what happened on the night of Prom... The night my Dad died... And, before I could stop her, Vanessa recounted the whole ugly story to him in excruciating detail. Alex has been distant ever since; whether from disgust or shame I'm not sure.

"Wait... That was you?" He slowly approaches the paper taped up all over the walls. "Why did you do it? And... What is this stuff?"

I shuffle up into a sitting position and run a hand over my tousled waves. "Handwriting samples."

"These are exam papers..." He brushes the paper with the tips of his fingers, then stands back in a jolt. "Are you cheating?"

I laugh, the thought had never crossed my mind.

"Don't be stupid. Our exams are over, what would be the point of having exam papers after the fact?" Vanessa sits down at my desk chair and stares up at Alex, her arms folded.

"Do you think that's how the school will see it if they find out it was you?"

"How are they going to find out? Are you going to tell them? Oh yeah, that's right you prefer to keep things to yourself, don't you Alex?" Vanessa's tone is pure acid.

"Chill out guys, no one's going to find out. I just need to find him. Once I do, I'll shred all these, and no one will ever know it was me."

Alex's face loses all its color. "You're talking about that stupid book again, aren't you?"

Anger flares through my exhaustion. "It isn't stupid! I need to find him. I have to show him something."

"What? Why are you so obsessed, still obsessed after all this time? After not finding him, for all you know he could be..." Alex breaks off mid rant.

"Dead?" I whisper. "Is that what you were going to say?"

Vanessa is chewing the inside of her cheek, unsure what to say.

"This needs to be over... I need this to end. Now." He pauses for just a moment, almost bouncing on the spot, thinking through his hesitation. Then as quick as a flash he darts past Vanessa and grabs the book from the top of the stack of textbooks on my desk.

I jump up and dive towards him but he's already out the door and down the stairs.

"Give it back! It doesn't belong to you!" I cry out, tearing down after him.

I catch up with him in the kitchen. He's just placed the book firmly in front of my mom whose sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and a slice of toast.

I freeze, staring at them both over the table.

"What is this?" She slowly looks from Alex's determined face to my ashen features.

"It's nothing, Mom, Alex stole my book. I need it back."

"It isn't hers." He says quietly, "I'm sorry Harlow but this is for your own good."

My mom frowns with concern, she goes to open it and I jump forward, trying to snatch it away, but the table is too wide and my arm is too short. 

She holds it down and looks at me with surprise. "Harlow!"

I back away, crimson.

She opens it and hurriedly scans a few pages.

"What is this?"

"It's a journal." Alex replies. "Harlow has been trying to find whoever wrote it. She says she wants to save him... But it's gotten out of control."

"Judas!" I glare at him, unblinking.

He looks away as if I've slapped him... Again.

"Harlow! What's the matter with you?" Mom exclaims, shocked by the venom in my voice. "Alex... I think you'd better leave. Thank you for looking out for Harlow. I know she doesn't see it that way right now but you're a good friend."

I laugh bitterly. 

I hear myself, I don't sound right. 

I sound mean.

Alex pauses as if he would say something else, but then he just walks away, fists clenched at his sides.

"You too, Vanessa. I need to speak to my daughter, alone, please."

Vanessa, who had been hovering in the doorway, reaches out, squeezes my hand, then quickly leaves, relieved to be absolved of responsibility so easily.

"Sit down, Harlow." Mom's voice is completely calm.

I sit down, itching to grab the book back into my possession, but afraid that this will prove whatever point Alex was trying to make.

"Is what Alex said true?" She asks evenly.

"It's not out of control. I almost know who he is. It's so stupid! I just need to check his handwriting then I'll figure it out. It's as simple as that."

"But why are you so fixated on this, sweetie?"

I bite my lip.

"You have to tell me what's going on." Her eyes are pleading. They have new lines driven in around them, lines formed from weeks of crying over my Dad, joining old lines from years of the same before that.

"He... The boy the book belongs to, wrote in that book that he wants to kill himself. I have to stop him." 

The truth seems so easy to say once it's said.

Her features fall. "Honey..." She breathes.

I stand up, reaching for the book, as if that ends the matter, as if I have every right to it.

"Sit back down." She moves it to her lap, under the table.

Eyes narrowed I sit down again.

"Harlow. I know what happened to your Dad was so awful, so unbelievably devastating... But there was nothing you or I could do to change things. It is totally understandable that you would want to help someone experiencing something similar to what your Dad went through but my darling girl... You cannot let this consume you... I learnt a long time ago that I couldn't control how your Dad felt or what he did. I chose not to spiral down into the darkness that consumed him... I'd been there so many times before in the hopes of dragging him out with me. It took me such a long time to realize it doesn't work like that. I'm not telling you to harden your heart or let people suffer alone. I'm just saying you can't destroy yourself to help someone else. You just can't."

"I'm not destroying myself..." I try to sound normal.

She is looking at me with such unbearable sympathy.

I find myself shaking with anger. "Give me back the book!" 

Why am I so uncontrollably angry?

"I can't Harlow. I won't."

"It doesn't belong to you!"

"It doesn't belong to you either." She says this quietly. 

It's only then that I realize how much she's changed since my dad died. It's as if all that fierceness within her has evaporated. Even the red of her hair looks dulled, muted with new streaks of grey.

"Well, what are you going to do with it then?" The venom is back with a vengeance. "Probably nothing... Nothing like you always do. Just like you did nothing to help Dad when he needed you! There's someone out there suffering, and I can do something about that! I can change it! Why won't you let me change it?"

She swallows back tears, looking at me with the most pain I've ever seen written across her face.

"I know you're hurting right now, Harlow. I know you don't mean what you're saying. I'm going to get rid of this book."

I gasp, but she carries on, heedlessly.

"You probably won't understand why I'm doing this, and I'm sorry to hurt you but you need to let go."

"How can I let go? When you let go people fall, they fly away and there's no coming back! You have to give it back to me! GIVE IT BACK!"

I'm standing now, fists balled, not knowing what I'll do, but knowing I need that book, I need to do something, anything. 

It can't all have been for nothing.

Mom stands, cool, collected. She reaches for her purse slowly, as if a sudden movement will lead me to attack.

"Mom... You can't do this..."

Her step quickens at the catch in my voice. She's rushing past me, almost running through the living room and out the door to her car. I don't hesitate; even though I'm just in my socks I run after her.

"MOM! GIVE IT BACK!" 

I don't care if the neighbors can hear me. I don't care if anyone hears me.

She gets inside and locks the doors before I can stop her. What would I have done if I'd caught her? Wrestled the book from her? Strike her...? 

I move to stand in front of the car.

"Harlow, move! Move out the way!" She says, the window open just a crack.

"NO!" I sob, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"Harlow... Baby... Please..."

I shake my head.

Tears streaming down her cheeks she puts her car into reverse. She backs down the street then does a U-turn and speeds away. 

Shaking with exhaustion and the force of all my emotion I collapse to the concrete and cry as if my heart has been torn from my body.