I want to go back to school. Anything is better than being at home and just going over what happened again and again. I must've watched my unfinished film hundreds of times by now. It's like a form of flagellation. Each time I watch it I feel like the boy; my father, in these bursts of recorded life, becomes more and more distant. It's like he's becoming history before my eyes: some anonymized stranger who I just happen to share half of my DNA with.

So, it's better to go back to school, at least then I can't watch it over and over until it becomes completely meaningless to me. Vanessa is waiting for me when my mom drops me off. She hasn't left me alone much since the funeral. She also has a new, tense expression on her face that's just for me. It must be hell having a best friend that makes you so nervous. She grabs my arm as soon as I'm out of the car like I'm a balloon that will float away if someone isn't holding on tight. She waves at my mom then pulls me over to the trees outside of school.

"I need to tell you something."

"What?" I feel tired again as soon as she says it.

"Austin and Macie got back together."

"Oh yeah?" I respond without inflection.

"I wanted to tell you before you see them together."

"That's thoughtful." I really mean it, but I can't seem to get any emotion into my voice.

She's looking at me like a bird hovering over an egg that's about to hatch.

"It's okay, Vanessa. I don't think it matters anymore. He wasn't who I thought he was. Maybe Macie's games are what he needs to save him from whatever he's going through... I don't know. Anyway, how's Alex coping with it?"

Vanessa relaxes a little: gossip is her safe space. "It's really weird but I got the impression that he was kind of relieved. I really thought he'd be devastated. She dropped him without a word, can you imagine?"

"Sounds about right." It was Alex, arriving with a self-deprecating look on his face. "You okay, Harlow?"

I want to say no but I just nod jerkily. "You?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Vanessa purses her lips. "The Macie thing."

He raises an eyebrow.

She sighs. "You know, Macie and Austin are back together!"

"Oh yeah?" He smiles, his goofy Alex smile.

"What's the matter with you? You're being so weird about this!" Vanessa pushes him.

I look at Alex quizzically. It's good to see him smile and tease Vanessa, good to be just the three of us again. It's like the last few weeks didn't happen. It almost feels normal... Almost. 

But there's something strange about the whole situation with Alex and Macie. As I look at Alex I can't tell if he's hiding something or not. His brown eyes are so dark they're almost black. Austin's eyes had betrayed his motives even when I hadn't wanted to see anything, Alex's are always unreadable. He's a mystery.

The bell rings and we follow everyone else into school. With Alex on one side and Vanessa on the other I can almost pretend it's a normal school day. If only everyone wasn't staring at me in that 'there goes the girl whose Dad killed himself' way. I focus all my attention on the ground. Concrete, grass... Wooden floorboards: you are my new horizons.

I can't say it doesn't hurt when I actually see them together at lunch. Austin has his arm resting over her shoulders so she's tucked up right into his side in that way that seems to be his habit. Thinking back now it was actually kind of heavy and made my neck ache. Macie, with her barely-there skirt is looking anywhere but Austin, her electric-blue eyes triumphant.

"Screw them!" Vanessa hisses at me, glaring at Macie with all her might.

I slip my backpack off my shoulder and feel around inside it, hurriedly.

"What are you doing?" Alex looks concerned.

"I just have to do one thing."

"Harlow, whatever it is I don't think it's a good idea."

But I'm deaf to Alex's words. 

I pull out the book and march right up to Austin and Macie with the kind of single-minded bravery you get when you truly believe you don't care anymore... This new bravery abandons me just as I stand in front of them. They are sitting under one of the trees in the quad with a bunch of other seniors. Someone must've driven out of campus and back because there are fast food wrappers all over the grass and Macie is sipping a coke through a straw and looking up at me with cat-like interest.

"Harlow, hey." The lazy smile of Austin Loew is sickening in the way it slowly draws across his mouth. His arm is fixed around Macie like a wheel clamp.

"Hi..." My voice is a thread.

"Heard about your Dad, that must suck."

I stare at him in amazement. 'That must suck'?! Was he serious?

"Did you want something?" Electric blue; blink, blink, blink.

I hold out the book to Austin, chest heaving with pent up emotion.

"What's that?" He stares at the book, not even bothering to reach for it.

"It's yours." I mumble.

Despite how much of an asshole he's being I don't want to embarrass him in front of his friends.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He drawls.

"Harlow!" Alex is behind me.

"Just take it, okay? I'm sorry I read it."

"Harlow, just leave it..." Alex is tugging at my backpack.

"Look, I don't care if you want to be with her. You two seem perfect for each other to be honest. I'd just rather not have any of your stuff... Oh, feel free to give me my shoes back anytime, by the way." I'm feeling hot, it should've been embarrassment, but I'm just mad.

Austin leans back, his hands planted on the grass, the sunlight through the gaps in the tree's leaves turns parts of his hair to pure gold. "I really don't know what you're talking about."

"Why did you do it? Why did you bother with the bag, the book, the stupid notes on my locker? What was the point in any of this? Was this some prank the two of you planned together?"

Macie sips her coke. It's right at the bottom and the slurping, sucking sound makes me even madder.

"You're both sick! You should be studied!"

"Harlow!" Alex is pulling me more insistently now. I know he's trying to save me from humiliating myself but in that moment I really  don't care.

Austin reaches out and takes a French fry, from the cardboard container on the grass. He chews on it thoughtfully, completely untouched by my anger. "Maybe if you spent more time with your Dad and less time with your books, he wouldn't have killed himself." He says it as simply and easily as if he was making a comment about the weather or asking for the time.

And just like that's it's as if all reason is sucked right out of my body through a candy striped straw. I wrench myself out of Alex's hold on my bag and grab Macie's cup, which by now is mainly ice. I smash it full force into Austin Loew's stupid face. The cardboard explodes on the bridge of his nose, sending ice everywhere. I throw the book down in his lap and storm off as Austin gasps and calls me a crazy bitch and some other, more creative names. Alex runs after me whooping.

"That was brilliant! I mean I know I was trying to hold you back but damn... I didn't know you had it in you!" He punches the air and laughs.

Vanessa had been keeping herself and Derrick tactically off on the side-lines, but after watching the ice-crushing-face incident she runs up to us exclaiming; "OH MY GOD! Oh my God! I really hope someone filmed it! PLEASE tell me someone filmed it!"

"Harlow, wait!"

I turn around and come face to face with Macie Myers.

"Hey, Alex." She nods at him, as cool as the ice bath I just gave Austin Loew's nose.

I stare at them. 

They are either the most mature people I know or just trying to out-cool one another but whichever is the case I'm seriously impressed.

"That was... Amazing." She winks and hands me back the God-damned book, now all damp and covered with flecks of crushed ice.

"I don't..." I begin.

"It's not his." She cuts me off. "Austin doesn't keep notes. He has a tutor that makes him learn answers by rote. I don't know who this belongs to, but I flicked through it. You don't want Austin to get a hold of it... Believe me."

"Thanks..." 

I don't get it, why is she being so nice?

"You're welcome." She smiles, showing her small, white teeth. "See you guys around."

"Wait!" Maybe I'll live to regret it, but I just can't help myself... I step forward and lower my voice so only she can hear me. "Macie... Austin isn't a good guy. On Prom night he made a pass at me... A pretty aggressive pass and, well, I wouldn't want him to try the same thing with you."

She nods as if we have some kind of understanding which we most definitely do not. "I got it."

And with that she heads back to sit down with the enemy.

"That was..." I start, running out of words.

"Seriously weird!" Vanessa completes my sentence.

We both turn and look at Alex. "Anyone hungry?" He is looking in the other direction, in a world of his own.

Vanessa pushes him, hard.