“You're killing me
I just want you to free me
And though I am cryin' and bleedin' and barely breathin'
I can't let go of your heart.”
….

As someone who loves to overthink a lot, I'm trying my best not to think too much about the situation I'm currently in. I won't really call it a situation but it kinda is because the way my heart is pounding and the way my emotions are running haywire is definitely not what I'll call normal or okay.

We're on top of the building that I loathe climbing but I don't mind too much because she's here with me. Somehow, I don't know how, we're leaning against a stack of boxes, cuddled up in my extra extra large grey hoodie. We were just sitting against the boxes and talking until, out of nowhere, she came up with the idea of each person wearing one sleeve of the hoodie because the weather was cold.

She was right. It was getting pretty chilly up there but personally, like I said before, I like the cold so I didn't bother. But how in world would I deny a chance to be snuggled up in the same hoodie as Star on a beautiful Sunday evening as we chat aimlessly and watch the sky?

She doesn't know that I'm a bit tipsy because I was forced to go to this party a member of my team was holding-because I had to roll with them of course-and I got a few shots into my system. It's not the first time I've been tipsy. I've been drunk before even but still…I'm afraid of doing something I'll regret later. And yes I'm talking about Star.

My left arm is the one in the sleeve so my right arm is slung over her shoulder while her free arm and the sleeved arm are folded cutely together in front of her as she stares off into space, thinking about what, I wonder. I notice she's been spacing out a lot today, like something's bothering her or something. I don't comment about it though because I'm still worried about not doing or saying anything stupid.

“Tell me about your sister. Please,” she whispers out of the blue, startling me a bit.

“Um…okay?” I run my hands through my hair and let out a sigh.

Do I really want to do this? I've been avoiding this topic ever since we met and even before that, I've been avoiding it…even to myself, I've been avoiding thinking about it. Yet…my slightly high brain forces my mouth open and I begin to talk.

“She was seven years old…so young. She didn't get the chance to experience many beautiful memories. Heck, I was going to force her to love coffee like me.”

I hear Star's light giggle from beside me. My body would've reacted in a particular way to this but I wasn't really myself at the moment. As I began, I knew that I was going to tell her everything. The whole story.

“So…I took her to the roof of a building, like this one, only maybe a bit lower but whatever. We were joking around and she took my phone and walked off, teasing me that she was going to drop it off the side of the building if I came closer. There were really important things in there of course and I just got a really important phone call.”

I take a deep shuddering breath and go on. “I didn't know what got into me. I chased after her and she ran. I realised immediately what was going to happen if she didn't stop but everything was happening so fast and the–the sound of her screams and laughter…she didn't realise it–” My voice breaks and I feel Star’s hand take mine in hers and give a reassuring squeeze.

“I yelled for her to stop but it was too late…” I dissolve into tears now. I hate reliving this moment.

“It was all my fault,” I manage in a strangled voice. “And my parents hate me so much for it…they once said that they wished it was me…”

I barely hear Star's gasp over the pounding that ensuses in my skull after I'm done talking.

“That's a pretty fucked up thing to say. Especially to your own child.”

Somehow, I find my head on her shoulders and her arms around me. Her fingers find themselves in the mess of short curls on my head and I shut my eyes as they lull to the back of my head from the euphoric ensation.

“It was my fault. I deserve it,” I manage.

“No you don't. You don't deserve any bad thing that happens to you Jordan. You're literally just so sweet and pure and chill. I'm so sorry that happened and I'm sorry you've had to blame yourself for it–”

“But it was my fault.”

“It was partly hers too. And still…you should forgive yourself for it and just move on. And so should your parents…”

I begin to cry all over again at the memories of everything I had to go through at that time. My parents abused me, they made me feel like shit, they made me feel unwanted, they made me feel useless, unlovable.

She hugs me even tighter and reaches out to my face, slowly wiping away the flowing tears even as they're coming. My heart flutters at the movement. In the process of cleaning my tears, her fingers accidentally brush over my lips. Something in me awakens immediately. A fiery, burning passion from the deep depths of my dark heart surfaces.

We both sit up in a flash and stare at each other in the darkness of the evening, ignoring the strong winds blowing towards our direction.

My heart is pounding in my chest so hard I think she can hear it but then I suddenly remember the moment in the café, the day before when she said ‘this was wrong’.

Even if she meant in the most innocent of ways, why is she now here with me, staring at me with an emotion in her eyes that I'm finding difficult to read?

I want to ask her about the comment but she does something else that makes me forget entirely. She's leaning in…

What? No no no…I mean yes yes yes…

Star wants to kiss me? She likes me?

My stomach drops as I realise how much I'm going to hurt her in the next few moments. I can't kiss her. We can't do this. She was right. I can't let anyone get that close with me…it's for their own good.

Yeah…I'm doing her a favour.

I push myself backwards and understanding flickers in her eyes and immediately morphes to devastation. She looks hurt, heartbroken. I'm heartbroken.

She looks away, swiftly frees her arm from the sleeve of my hoodie and begins to get up. I reach out out and grab her wrist, dragging her back. This time her grip is stronger and she pulls away.

I will be honest with myself, I do want her. I want her so badly but I just can't. It's for our own good and I wish she'd understand but I don't think that's fair to her. I just broke her heart. I just rejected her in one of the most painful, most embarrassing ways.

She takes a step forward but halts and then turns back around, facing me with a tear streaked face. My heart breaks even more.

“I thought you liked me back,” she sobs and I can't look at her so I keep my eyes on my intertwined fingers below me.

“I do Star, I really do–”

“So why can't you trust me!” she cries and I have to bite down hard on my lip to stop myself from crying too.

“I'm the one who can't be trusted…”

She nods, wiping her damp face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.
“All that time I wasted with you…I could've been with my best friends instead. Actually been with people who care–”

“Star come on don't say that. I do care about you…” the pain in my chest is unbearable and I'm wondering why I'm even bothering holding back my tears.

“Goodbye Jordan.”

I get up suddenly and begin to chase after her as she walks away.

“Jordan do not follow me.” She uses that tone that scares the shit out of me and so I obey.

I let my arm fall to my side and take in a shaky breath as she descends the stairs. The tears have finally escaped and I don't bother trying to resist.

“Be careful on your way down,” I manage.

She scoffs. “You too.”

I sobbing like a baby as I walk back to grab my hoodie. How and why did I just fuck everything up in a few seconds?

I sit against the stack of boxes, staring at the sky and thinking until I run out of tears. My phone buzzes and take it out of my pocket.

Albert - you could just say you don't want to hang out with me anymore

Fuck.

I was supposed to meet with him about an hour ago. I grab my hoodie and hurry down the perron stairs, trying not to think about Star. As I hurry to meet Albert, I can't help but feel like a really shitty person.

My parents were right. It should've been me.