"I'm so good at playing the victim
But it's me who's been making the bed"
....

Evenings are my favourite time of the day. Fairly dark sky, soft light winds flowing around, nature is more beautiful than ever and most of all the pretty mix of colours strewn across sky as the sun dips below the horizon.

Star and I decided to meet again the next day at the park. We chose to meet during the evening because we figured there will be less people around so we'll be really alone. She really wants to know me and I'm not complaining, neither am I resisting. I just want to be around her.

It's a bit crazy, I think. I haven't known her for more than two days yet I'm so infatuated with her. There are just these people who you meet and instantly you feel like those people are meant for you. It's like you don't mind if you never meet anyone else. You feel like having them is enough.

I feel really anxious for most of the day. During my morning workout at the gym and some time after, I feel a little better, freer. But then towards the late afternoon, the tight feeling in my chest returns. I struggle to take in huge breaths of air at close intervals. It hardly works.

And then the fact that I have to meet Star later in the evening makes it worse. My palms are sweaty and I have to run then along the length of my dark cargo pants occasionally to keep them dry. As I stroll out of the house, I struggle to walk in a straight line because of the dizziness that makes me feel nauseous. And as if that isn't bad enough, my stomach aches terribly. Why can't my symptoms come separately?

Like why was I created in such a way that if you wanted to explain my disorder to someone I'm the perfect object to use for your explanation?

My phone buzzes and I take it out my pocket with trembling hands.

Get it together Jordan.

I take a more huge deep breaths when I feel my breathing is getting more concerning. I'm trying my best not to think of it.

Star: I'm at the park. Where are you?

Me: I'm behind yox

I don't bother to correct the mistake caused by my trembling fingers and drop my phone into my pocket with a sigh. Please just get out of my brain.

***

“No I'd rather have only nature–”

“Than have music forever?!” she shreiks in utter disbelief.

I give a low chuckle.

“I already have you here, I don't need music.”

I can't see her face clearly but I hope she's blushing.

“But I'm not music,” she says shifting closer to me beside the tree we're sitting against. When I look up I can see the dark blue sky through the gaps between the leaves. A small wind blows and I take in a huge breath of air. It's not helping so much. I'm scared.

“Well no, but still–” I feel my heart getting tighter and tighter with each breath I try to take in unsuccessfully.

“But still what?”

She not looking at me yet. Her eyes at trained on the beautiful sunset above us. I don't want her to notice my struggle.

“But…” I take in a huge breath of air, like I just burst through the surface of pool and that's when she notices.

“Jordan?”

I get up and crawl a bit further away from the tree. My eyes are shut so I'm groping on the grass and trying to give myself a lot of space. The world around me is dark…like I'm falling into this deep abyss. I can't get rid of this feeling of doom that's coming over me.

I think I can hear my name being called but it's only faint, like I'm in a dream and the voice is far away.

“Jordan?!” I hear between gasps of air. As much as I try to keep them away, the memories come flooding into my head. My throat clenches painfully and I choke back a sob.

“No! Please stop! Come back here…please!”

My head is pounding. I feel soft hands on my body and feel myself shiver. I think it's partly because of the past memory I just relieved once again. Someone is carrying me. I'm still struggling to breathe and the sounds coming from me are similar to those of an asthmatic patient. I think I'm gonna die. I need to breathe.

I think I'm getting my self back after some seconds and I open my eyes to find myself against a wall. It's dark though so I can't see that much.

“Jordan…?” I catch the slight tremble in her voice as she calls my name but I also notice that she's trying to act calm. “Jordan can you hear me?”

I nod as I take in more deep breaths. I push my head back and rest it against the wall. I feel like if I miss one breath I'm gonna die. I don't wanna die.

The tears that were threatening to fall moments ago decide to escape now. I'm still gasping between my sobs. My chest is heaving rapidly.

I suddenly feel something soft and warm in my hands. Someone is holding my hand tightly, trying to get me to calm down, trying to tell me that they're here. Star is here. I'll be fine

“Hey Jordan, can you hear me?” she asks again.

I nod.

“Okay can you count to ten for me?”

I nod and then I try my best. “One…two…three…” With each breath I take I count.

By the time I get to ten, I'm already feeling a lot better. The world around me is getting clearer, the pounding in my head has stopped, my racing heart has gone down. Now my breaths are only shallow, the way they were earlier today.

“Hey…see you're doing better,” she whispers and she pats my hair slowly in an attempt to calm me down.

Please don't take your hand away.

“Do you know where you are?”

I nod.

“Where are you?”

“...at the park,” I say after a moment.

“Awesome. It's alright, okay? You're okay.”

She slips her hand away from my sweaty palms and stops stroking my hair. I start to think of wheezing again deliberately when I feel something cool on my palm. I look down to see a bottle of water.

“Drink. It'll help.”

After a few gupls, I do feel much better. I take the bottle down with a sigh.

Suddenly I feel her arms around my neck and next thing I know she's holding on to me tight, quietly sobbing. After I get over the initial shock, my arms find their way around her waist involuntarily and I cling to her like she's my life source.

Damn, I hate being vulnerable like this.

We stay there for a long time until we realise ourselves.

She pulls away almost immediately, not meeting my eyes and I run my hands through my hair while clearing my throat.

I'm so grateful for the simple act of being able to breathe normally. I will never ever take it for granted in my life ever again.

There's an awkward silence for a while as we're probably both going through the series of events that occurred in the last few minutes. I can't believe I had a panic attack in front of her.

“Why weren't you freaked out?” I have to ask because I've never seen someone act so calm in such a situation.

She gives a soft smile, still not meeting my eyes.
“My best friend, Sam, he has asthma.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah, so I'm used to things like this. He's had several attacks and I learnt how to calm him down. Although I know this isn't the same thing,” she adds quickly.

“Thank you…” I say, my voice barely audible even in the peaceful silence of the evening.

“Don't.” She shakes her head for more emphasis. I nod.

“Can I ask you a few questions?”

Ah fuck. I was hoping she wouldn't ask.
But it's the least I could do since she really helped me today.

I run my hands through my hair and sigh.
“Sure. What're your questions?”

“The things you said, when you were…” wheezing for my dear life, yes, go on.  “You said you have PTSD. Were you reliving a…memory?”

My stomach clenches at her words. I really hate talking about this.

“Yeah…” I manage.

“And…would you mind telling me…?” she asks timidly.

I do. I really do. I hate bringing up this memory voluntarily. It's bad enough that I'm forced to relieve it over and over again against my will.

“I did something bad when I was younger,” I begin hesitantly, my voice strained. After a moment of silence I figure she's waiting for me to go on. “I had a little sister.”

Her face scrunches up in confusion and I enjoy the few moments I get to see her like that because as I say the next sentence, even in the darkness of the evening, I see her face go pale.

“I killed her.”