"I can't forget, I can't forgive you
'Cause now I'm scared that everyone I love will leave me."
....

Sometimes I feel like I know what I want. I do certain things and get some desired results and then everything feels like…this is how it's supposed to be.

But then I think about it and I'm like is this what I really want or is this what I need to do for everyone to be happy?

I barely think about myself, I realise. I am a chronic people pleaser I my whole life has literally been me just trying to please people so they won't hate me or get mad at me. I just do things so people won't be hurt by me, just so peace could reign. I'm always walking on eggshells.

For a while I'll keep thinking, this is okay, this is how it's supposed to be, everything is fine but then sometimes, I think about it and I doubt myself. It's a constant battle between me and my conscience and I don't know what to choose.I don't know what the right thing is. I'm juts confused.

Is it better to make everyone happy or just yourself? I mean the world would be a better place if everyone was happy and I've learnt how to accept not getting what I want. But I don't know if others can do that so in order for peace to reign, as the person who is so good at pretending like everything is okay, I’m the one who tries. But at the end of the day what do I gain?

I think about it lots of times. If I don't please these people and I don't do these things to make everyone around me happy what am I gonna lose? Is it gonna backfire for me and then if I do the things that I want to do, the things that will make me happy… will the benefits be more than the the downsides?

I think about who I am. Am I  really this funny, charming, super chill guy who everyone loves but no one cares about or really gets close to? Or am I something else that I haven't discovered because I'm too scared to?

Can I be something more than the depressed, coffee obsessed, basketball playing teenage boy who secretly loves to take pictures? Is this who I really am and is this who I really want to be?

And then I think about my parents. Are they really good people just because they want me to be popular and they want me to have a good future? I mean, who doesn't want to have a bright future? Who doesn't want to be successful? They want the best for me…but why do I always have this feeling in my gut that something isn't right. I mean, come on… they literally abuse me…what am I even talking about?

They don't even want to care if I love anything else. I tried to bring it up once. I said to my mom “What if I love to do something like art?” And she was like “Yeah, sure you can have it as a hobby. You can have anything as hobby.” And I was like, “No, what if I wanted to take it up as a career?” She just gave me this look that said everything and I didn''t ask anymore because I knew exactly what it meant: I'm not doing anything else in my life other than basketball or I'm not gonna be their child.

They're probably gonna disown me. They've never said it directly before but I just know that it's true. They obsess over basketball, they obsess over me being these basketball superstar player that I don't think they're ever gonna accept me being or pursuing something else, which is painful to think about.

After my sister died, my parents barely spoke to me for months. The only gave me barely audible replies when I greeted them. They still gave me my basic necessities. It’s not like they starved me or anything, just that the emotional connection that I had with them before… it was gone, lost.

I don't know why. I understand that I caused them to lose a child but it was harsh. But it started to change when I discovered basketball. I remember being called by my coach one day. He was telling me these things about being scouted and then he called my parents the next day to talk to them about it.

I saw the way their eyes instantly lit up like, wow our son could actually become something!  Because they already looked down on me. They always made me feel like some useless child who just causes problems for them because I was always a below average student, I was lazy and you know…just not the super perfect son that they wished they had.

In a matter of weeks, their attitude towards me changed. They started to love me more than they ever did. They were so nice to me and it didn't feel right…

It felt like it was just this basketball thing. Like they didnt really love me. They just loved the idea that I might become someone big and popular and earn a lot. It hurts to think about sometimes so I try not to.

And now I wonder… what if I didn't play basketball? What if I just left the team and told the school, “you know what, fuck it! I’m not doing this anymore!”

If they want to take me back after that, they should. If they want they could let me stay in their school just as a normal student or if they want to kick me out…no problem.

I wonder what will happen if I just went straight up  to my parents and went like, “I’m not playing basketball anymore. I hate it and I actually love something else and that thing is photography. I love it my whole heart and I don’t care whst you think. That’s what I want to do with my life.” I just state it like that without thinking about the consequences.

What's the worst they can do… disown me? Okay maybe that's actually terrible. Maybe I shouldn't think about it.

But like, okay, let’s say that's not the worst thing that could happen, maybe they won't disown me but they just go back to hating me and treating me like I'm not their son. That wouldn’t really be so bad. I mean, there's barely a difference between the way they're treating me now and then. I know in the past it was so much worse. I would admit that I felt like I  was this slave in their home but now I'm just like someone they're using for their own benefits.

What if I just took it like that and actually go for the thing that I really want to go for and I spend the rest of my life being happy even if everyone around me isn't?

I care about people and I think I’m a very kind person but what if I just did what I wanted, not necessarily being mean to people but just doing what I want without caring what people will think?

What what if I just decided to start hanging out with the people I love? The people I really want to be with and not ruining my friendship because of some stupid sport… because I don't care about it.

What if I just actually didn't care about this whole curse of a thing and just actually just pushed my luck and tried to be with Star, try to see where it will go because…I won’t say that I've been with a lot of people. I’ve had a lot of romantic encounters with several people but nothing has ever felt as good and as intense as what I feel for Star.

Maybe there's not really much of a reason. She is an amazing girl and she's very interesting. She’s unique, cute and funny but sometimes it's not just about people's personality or their looks. It's’ just something about them. And with Star, I don't even want to know what it is. It’s just the way she makes me feel and damn, she really wants to be with me.

I don't even know what to do anymore. Maybe I need to think about this a little more. Maybe I could be truly happy and actually live a life that I enjoy amidst all my suffering and pain.

I could actually be happy…but for now I just have to keep going with the flow because I haven't thought it through enough to risk it.

All I got for now are just really exciting what ifs.