" I just want you to free me
And though I am cryin' and bleedin' and barely breathin'
I can't let go of your heart."
....

I'm used to feeling shitty.
I have all kinds of depression from time to time, I've suffered a lot of mental disorders, long story short, I'm rarely happy.

I've tried a lot of things: therapy, medication, journalling, hobbies, etc. They helped to some extent. A few things I love help too, like photography and coffee, of course, but nothing has ever made me feel like I can be truly happy, free and at peace like Star has in the past few weeks.

I took it for granted before. I didn't realise it when I was with her but now, at the very moment that I'm pushing her away, it's when is realise it.

For a really long time, I've always tried to put up this perfect boy façade. Not like I'm trying to impress people or anything. It's more of, I'm trying to hide the real me because it's easier to show the fake side.

All my friends in my old school, even my ex best friends, they never really knew the real me. And they never bothered to know.

In the last few days, the things about myself that I've told Star…I have never told anyone that much. People didn't know I liked photography,they really believed I loved basketball. They envied me a lot because they thought I had a perfect life, when I was actually suffering inside.

She acts like she cares, she truly wants to know about me, I can see it in her eyes…and I've never felt that loved by anyone else in my life. It's kinda sad to think about.
She's begging me to stay. She's ready to lose her best friends because of me and I'm pushing her away. The one person who I can be confident enough to say loves me.

Why is my life like this?

“What do you mean?” she asks again and I zone back into reality.

“Anyone I love, anyone I ever get close to…something bad happens to them okay? It's happened several times in the past and I don't want to hurt anyone again.”

“What-that doesn't make sense.” She wipes her face roughly with the sleeve of her grey sweatshirt, and then resumes to stare into my soul with her sad eyes.

I sigh, seeming even more frustrated than she is.

“Star, what's more to say? I don't want to hurt you even more than I have. If I get close to you, I will do that!”

She steps back from me and drops her face into her palm. Her loosely tied hair is now all over her face, making her appearance look even more rough. Yet, as she drops her hands and looks up at me, I can't understand why I still find her so beautiful.

She has this kind of simple, yet dazzling beauty that always steals my breath anytime I look at her. The features of her face all combined together is just…art. I wasn't lying when I said I'd love to take a picture of her.

God, no, you can't be thinking about this when you're literally never going to see her again.

“You're not making sense,” she says as she tries to pat down her wild looking hair.

I purse my lips and let out a small growl of frustration.

“I will hurt you! What part of that is confusing? You're making this harder for me Star,” I say as a sob escapes my lips.

She blinks at me in surprise but keeps up with her stubbornness, nevertheless.

“The only way you'll hurt me is if you push me away like this Jordan.”

I run my hands through my hair and let out a sigh for the millionth time. I'm this close to screaming.

In a beat, I reach out and grab her wrist, pulling her to a lonely corner behind the cafe.

She doesn't try to struggle and just walks along with me tiredly. When I see that we're mostly alone, I let go of her hand and run my hands though my hair.

“It's my fault. I should've warned you in the beginning,” I murmur, ignoring her intense stare. “Star, it's not some fantasy shit, I'm not joking with you…I wouldn't do that at this moment. Look, I'm cursed okay? It's just real life and my life is fucked up. I've accepted that and I don't want to get more people hurt. And I care about you. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have–”

“But you haven't!”

“Star, you just lost your best friends! What the fuck are you talking about?! What's next, something music related? And I won't want that to happen because I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if it did–”

“Jordan, calm down.”

I curse and swiftly turn the the other way, leaning my head against the wall. I feel hot tears stream down my face. I feel like something is being drilled into my chest. It hurts.

She places her hand on my shoulder and gives it a small squeeze.
“Hey, it's okay.”

“No it's not.” I turn around and take her hands off my shoulders softly with sigh. “I'm going to lose you now.”

“Stop saying that.”

“You can't stop it,” I seethe. “One way or another, something is gonna happen and we'll tear apart. It happens with everyone in my life.”

“What if I'm the first person to stop it? This curse…” She doesn't even sound like she believes me.

I scoff, dragging my hand through my hair.

Why am I even still here?

“My sister. I let her fall from a roof top and die Star!” I say, not even caring if people around will hear me or not. I need to make her understand. “My parents lost their child because of my stupidity.

“And my best friends… we used to be inseparable,” I go on, grabbing her entire attention. “We used to play this game. Felix was going to be a gamer. We could all see it and we used to play this game because of him. We practiced every day, we became so good at it. There was this tournament that was really popular and we progressed till the finals. Winning that final was going to make us really popular, and win this grand prize–I didn't really know because it wasn't something I loved that much, but Felix, he was so determined in winning it.

“And I fucked up. The day of the finals, I didn't show up to play with them because of a stupid party I went to just because the basketball team needed to meet some scouts or something. And my parents forced me to go. And my friends, they didn't find a replacement player and two people couldn't play. It had to be three…and I fucked up. And I know that it isn't the worst thing in the world but…I risked his future, he might never get that chance again. And he always cared about my basketball life and I just–”

“Oh…”

She doesn't even know what to say.
Great.

“And there was Eliza.” My heart squeezes at the thought of her and I don't look Star in the eye as I speak, the words leaving my mouth like it hurts. “I used to like her, a lot. And…I think she liked me back too. At least I hope so. Her parents never liked me, they met me once and instantly disliked me. She told me that they always told her to stop hanging out with me and that they hoped we weren't dating. We weren't but we would've.”

I take a deep, shaky breath and go on.

“One day we were messing around in her house, because it's close to mine so I go there often. She moved away but anyway. That day we were joking around, I stole a pack of cigarettes froma teammate and forgot to return it so we were just pretending that we were smoking. we really weren't. I know it's bad to smoke, but her parents caught us and thought we were smoking so yeah…

“They were really mad at her and punished her badly for it. I proved to them that I was a bad influence anyway. Long story short, she hates me. Look Star, I've already done enough damage with you, I don't want I to get worse.”

“You haven't done anything wrong. It wasn't your fault –”

“Whose fault was it then? Huh?” I say, feeling anger begin to bubble in my guts.

Why is she being so difficult right now?

“I don't know,” she replies stiffly.

“It was mine. If I never came into your life you wouldn't have had this problem you have with them. Look…it's not a big deal. Just go back to your best friends and everything would be fine.”

“I thought you cared about me,” she says with a sob.

“I do.”

“If you do, you'll know that if I go back to my best friends, everything wouldn't be fine.”

I sigh for the gazillionth time.