"Ever since you came into my life
You taught me all about unconditional love
I think about you saving me every night
Felt like an angel sent from above."
....

I think I've gone numb. I can't seem to feel anything anymore. Things that usually annoy me don't bother me anymore, scenarios that give me anxiety, I couldn't care less about them and even worse of all, I don't find anything funny again.

It seems like I don’t care about anything anymore.

As I walk into school on Monday morning, the only thing on my mind is Star. I want to talk to her. I need to talk to her. I literally don't care about anything else, I just need to see her today.

I'm not surprised at all about what happened. I'm a terrible person. I led her on and then rejected her. Although, I didn't say I liked her. So…I don't know. I just need to see her. I need us to be okay. She's the only person right now who makes me feel like there might be something nice in the world for me, something that would make me want to stay, hang around for a while. I can't lose her.

Tears prick at the corner of my eyes as I stop by my locker to grab my books for my first class.
I know the situation is hopeless. I broke her heart. I doubt she'll ever want to speak with me again. Should I even bother trying?

I lost her already, just like every other person. The bright side to all this is that at least I didn't leave her world ruined like I do to others. Although, I'm not saying that what I did was nothing.

Today we're having basketball practice early so I can use that chance to look for her after school…if she'll still be here. And if she won't…I don't know how else to reach her because she's ignoring all of my calls and texts.

***

I successfully catch her on her way out of the bathroom after school and shut my open locker loudly immediately I spot her. I run over to her, trying to maintain the last atom of dignity I have left at the same time.

“Star!”

She freezes and then turns around slowly. Once she makes eye contact with me, her expression turns sour. My heart drops.

“What do you want?” she hisses.

“Can we talk?”

Hold yourself together, Jordan.

“Um…no, I don't think so–”

“Star please,” I plead and take a step towards her. She backs up, staring at me with a look I hate so much. She used to look at me with what I hoped was care and admiration before. That twinkle in her eyes was almost always there. But now…she's looking at me like I'm something disgusting she saw lying in a trash can.

I deserve this.

“Jordan I said no. You get to make your decisions and I don't stop you so let me make mine.”

Her words stab into my chest and I have to restrain myself from reaching out to touch it.

“Star please. You have no idea how much our friendship means to me. I'm sorry for what happened yesterday, I shouldn't have led you on. I just…I still really like you but I don't want to hurt you even worse, I promise. I still care about you and I still want to hang out like old times.”

I don't bother to hide the tremble in my voice as I speak. I readjust the handle of my backpack on my shoulder and look down at my combat boots, blinking away the tears that are threatening to come.

She only sighs. A sigh that kinda gives me hope because it seems like a sigh of frustration but also a sigh that says, I'll think about it.

“Look Jordan, you know I can't be this close to you in school. I can't be seen talking to you.”

“Star I understand that. I just need to know that we're okay.”

She shakes her head and scoffs. “You can't just expect me to be fine and continue being buddy buddy with you Jordan, in less than twenty four hours after that whole thing. That's not fair to me.”

I run my hands through my hair. All my emotions have suddenly come back in full force. I'm suddenly terribly anxious that I'm really going to lose her.

Am I already so attached?

“I’m sorry,” I manage. “I'm an idiot. I always mess everything up.”

She looks up at me and holds my gaze for a few seconds. I can see the hurt in her eyes and I hope she can see the one in mine too. I also hope she can see how much I care about her.

Her phone pings and she checks it, swearing immediately.

“What?”

“My best friends are on their way here.” She pockets her phone. It hurts to know that she has definitely seen my messages and calls but has been ignoring them. I don't blame her though.

“Star are we okay?” I ask again.

She sighs and runs her hand through her own hair. I feel like she wants us to be okay but she's also really hurt and upset at me so it's hard for her to choose.

“Look, Jordan can we continue this conversation tomorrow?” She glances around worriedly. “I don't want–”

“Your best friends to see me, I know.” She scowls at me. “I just need an answer, please. And also, maybe you can reply to my texts? Maybe we can talk about it there?”

“I can't give you an answer now Jordan, because I don't know.” She starts walking away from me towards the entrance of the school and I tag along stubbornly behind her.

“Stop following me! What part of I don't want my friends to know I hang out with you don't you understand?!” she cries and I freeze at her outburst. Although I know the reason she doesn't want them to see us talking, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

“Star what are you talking about?”

My heart sinks to my stomach as I recognise the voice. I know I'm not escaping this-except maybe I take off suddenly- so I turn around slowly to face her best friends.

“Jordan? You talk to Star? You guys know each other?” Emily stutters, looking back and forth between us with her mouth agape while Sam stares with an unreadable expression.

Although I'm scared to do so, I glance at Star. Big mistake. She looks like if she had the chance to shoot me with a gun right now, she won't hesitate. Shame, anger, hurt, frustration and anxiety are all mixed up in her expression.

I feel bad for her and I also feel bad for myself. I don't know what to do.

“Well… aren't either of you going to say anything?”

“Yeah…we–we’ve known each other for a while,” I say without giving anyone eye contact.

“You're that Jordan guy,” Sam blurts immediately, his voice dripping with resentment. “Star you've been talking to the guy who's practically playing the position I got dropped from?”

“That wasn't his fault,” Star says stiffly and my heart leaps as I understand that she's defending me. “And yes, I've known him for a while now. Since the summer holidays.”

“What?! Girl are you for real? And you didn't tell me? You didn't tell us?”

“It was my fault,” I begin and Star shoots me a puzzled glance.

Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing either but I'm not letting you lose your best friends because of me.

“Oh yeah? How?” Sam asks, folding his arms across his chest, his eyes piercing into my soul. I gulp.

“I wanted us hanging out to be a secret.”

“Why?”

“Yeah why?”

“Because, I didn't want too much attention on her…”

Star and I make eye contact for a split second and then she focuses her gaze back on the ground. She looks so guilty and lost that my heart aches. And all of it is my fault.

God, I hate myself.

“Star, say something. Please,” Sam says. Between the both of them, he's the one who has every right to feel betrayed because imagine your best friend hanging out with the person you probably hate the most behind your back.

“I–I’m sorry. I should've told you guys.”

“Is he the reason you've been distant all this while?” Emily asks. Her situation is also kinda painful. Your best friend ditching you many times to hang out with the guy you like behind your back.

I run my hands through my hair as I begin to process all of this. I think my existence could cause Star to lose her best friends because the way they're staring at her is not pretty at all.

“Sort of…” she murmurs and then finally looks up. “Look guys, we can talk about this alone, together okay? I promise I'll explain everything to you.”

“What's there to explain?” Emily spits and I see Star cringe visibly.

“There's a lot actually,” I mumble and star shoots me gaze that I interpret as I'm grateful that you're trying to defend me but please don't make this worse and shut the fuck up.

“Alright then. Let's go and talk about it. Now.”

Her best friends start to head outside and she tags along behind them slowly, her head still hung low like a sad little puppy.

I jog up to her and she looks up at me.

“I'm sorry,” I mouth. She looks away but before she finally walks out the door to meet up with her best friends, she reaches out for my hand and gives it a soft squeeze before letting go and running after them.

I bite my bottom lip hard and walk back to my locker to hang around in school for a while. I don't want them to see me on their way and I don't want to see them either.

I know Star needs space from me for a while but right now at this moment all I want to do is hold her tightly and for us to tell each other that everything is going to be alright.

But now I can't shake away the fear that for real, no joke, she might end up losing her best friends, and I might end up losing her too.