Every single day, morning after morning, afternoon after afternoon, evening after evening, I go to the hospital, visiting Jake each time, bringing along with me the things he said he despised but secretly loves. I find myself thinking of him just as much as I used to before... Not romantically. It's like he's captured a part of my mind and I can't let it go, as much as I want to. 

Luka has evaded me every time I have tried to talk to him and he has ignored all of my texts and calls. I miss him but we're not together anymore. He isn't mine anymore. I lost him. I lost him like when I lose a penny: unwittingly and swiftly. I've lost him like I've lost my love, my love for anything even remotely related for him, things like ice cream or dreams of being a water girl. I've lost him like I've lost my best friend. I deserve to have lost him. I was never good enough for him.

I've lost Clare Riggins, best friend of forever. She's dating Shaw Dennis and it happened so suddenly, so quickly, so slyly, that I didn't even know until everybody in school was talking about it. I let it slip from under my nose right in front of my very eyes because I was so focused on my own life, my own priorities, my own relationships, my own thoughts and actions and dreams and hopes. I'm so selfish. And now she's been taken from me. She hardly talks to me anymore, not like the way she used to, not like the way we used to in the middle of the night at three am, whether it was over the phone or at a sleepover.

I've lost everything.

Except for Jake.

I'm walking in the hospital again for the second time today and the front lady gives me the same sly look as she's been giving me for the past few weeks. Jake is still strangely at the hospital so the concussion must be far worse than I thought though the doctors refuse to tell me anything, telling me that it's because I'm not considered "family". Jake won't tell me anything, shaking everything off like he's perfectly all right, though I know he isn't and he knows I know he isn't.

I slide into his room, not bothering to knock anymore as I carry my armload of books that I picked up at the bookstore the other day. If I'm ever at a bookstore, I always think of him and make sure to grab a few that I think Jake'll like. He strangely likes really trashy romance novels with horrifying covers so I always make sure to grab one or two of those, though for some reason they make me feel uneasy or uncomfortable when he reads them, though I'm reading a very similar novel in the corner. It's a guilty pleasure.

"Megan!" he says, smiling at me, but wincing as he tries to sit up. I rush over, dropping the stack of books that I'm carrying, and grab his hand, helping him to sit up normally. He still groans a little but he manages to shake it off, though my worries stay, immune to his confidence and bravery.

"Jake. How long are you going to be here?" I ask, actually needing to know now. It's been too long and he can't be okay.

He shrugs and then grimaces. Grabbing his head, he says, "Not for long, I don't think. Though they haven't really told me anything too much. Just that I need to rest. They say you're good for me," he adds, smiling up at me and making me blush.

"I need to know. Do you want me to check with someone?" I ask, wondering if I would be able to get anything out of the doctors if I tried. Maybe a kind nurse or something. Though I have barely seen any of those on my many visits.

He shakes his head, though it makes him groan again. This is really bad. "Please don't leave me," he whispers. "Let's just read."

He almost nods towards the books but then thinks better of his actions and gestures with a flick of his good wrist instead. I nod and grab the stack of books I dropped and gather them all up and place them on the dresser. I feel like a librarian as I name the books and explain what they are about, reading from blurbs on the back. He finally settles on a summer beach boys one, much to my secret amusement. I grab a memoir I picked up about a teenage boy living with autism and I settle in for a long read. I sit in my usual corner by the window and I sometimes peek up at Jake to watch him read. He's intent on concentrating and I adore it. Finally, I watch as he turns the last page, much to my dismay, as I'm only on page 58 after all this time. He looks up at me and I stare back at him, knowing that he already knew that I was watching him the whole time.

I smile at him and clear my throat. "So. Was that book any good?"

He shakes his head. "The main girl ended up with her ex-boyfriend."

Somehow I think there's a hidden meaning behind that but I ignore it, not wanting to press any further than that.

"That sucks. This book is good. It's about a boy who's living with autism and he basically answers a bunch of questions about what it's like. I think it's really cool that he managed to write it all out. It just proves that even though someone may appear different, they're actually really smart and intuitive." He nods.

"I want to read that after you," he says. I nod and I put it back on the table.

"You can read it now or sometime in the near future. I'm basically done with it," I say, ducking my head.

He shakes his head, a smile slowly appearing on his face. "Liar. I saw you. You weren't even in the middle yet." I shrug but I can't hide the smile blooming on my face.

He clears his throat. "So. What's school been like?"

I shake my head and then I shrug. "It hasn't been great. Not without you." I almost blush but I manage to keep a neutral face. "Everyone wants you back. We all miss you."

"And you? How have you been doing, Meg?" Then in a quieter voice, he adds, "Are you still with Luka?"

I take a deep breath and I shake my head slowly, trying to ignore the threatening tears that are amassing little by little behind my eyelids. He sucks in a breath and lets it out.

"Wow. I mean, I thought by now you guys would have made up and gotten back together." Then he casts his eyes downward. "I'm sorry for splitting you guys up," he says. "That wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted closure. With us."

I shake my head vehemently in a way that I think would have hurt Jake. "No, it wasn't you at all. It was just... I don't know," I finish pitifully. "I mean, I miss him, you know? I love him. I love him still." I know I'm cutting blades into Jake's heart and I hear his breath quicken. I add, "And I don't want to lie to you. I think I still... maybe... have some feelings for you too." The words are quiet but they're there and they feel loud, much too loud for the small space we're in.

He nods his head slowly. "I do, too, Megan. Always," he adds. "And..." he pauses and when he doesn't go on, I gently prod him, though I know how hard it must be to say whatever he's going to say.

"And?"

"And... if you want, I mean... you don't have to but... if you want, you can maybe be my girlfriend once I'm better? Or now? Or. If you don't want. Never." He stares at his hands which are in his lap that is covered by the blankets that smell of hospital stench.

My mind is whirling and I almost can't form a coherent thought but finally, I manage a slight shrug.

"I don't know. I'm so sorry. But I just got out of a relationship and I'm not entirely over Lu—"

He nods, cutting me off. "Meg, it's okay. It was just an idea."

*****

It took two weeks for Jake to fully heal and now he's finally back in school. He won't be able to play football until the spring but the season is basically done anyway, other than some practices that Jake can't go to, though he complains about it day and night.

Everyone gave him a huge welcome and Shaw hosted a welcome back party. At the party, I agreed to some sort of tacit relationship with Jake, a friendship at best, no romance involved. 

Still, it's been hard. 

I miss Luka with all my heart. He's barely looked at me, even in the classes we have together, even at the lunch table in which I still hold an honorary place. He won't talk to me and he avoids Jake. When I ask to speak with him, he says that there's nothing to talk about. I try to tell him that Jake and are just friends but he scoffs and smiles bitterly and walks the other way. He's shutting me out and I deserve it, as much as it hurts.

Clare is also avoiding me. She has joined the Luka bandwagon and decided that it's time to ignore me. I'm given the cold shoulder by two of the people I care most about. Clare thinks that there are hidden feelings involved with me and Jake, although I deny it every time, and she can't stomach the idea of her best friend dating her ex. I understand what she's thinking but I thought that she would listen to me. I thought that she would believe me. I thought that Clare's friendship with me would withstand anything, though clearly, I misjudged certain things. Besides, she has Shaw and he's taking up all of her time. He's stealing my best friend from me, taking her to dances and movies and on romantic dates that ordinarily, I would have heard all the details of but now get a few sentences about what the food was like.

My friendship with Jake means that there's lots to be talked about in our school. Gossip flies like birds in migration season, and at least half of it is completely untrue. At least three-fourths of our school believe that we're together, as much as I try to deny it. And Luka is not helping anyone. He's only fueling the rumors; people are saying his brooding looks and closed-off features are because of me dating his best friend. People believe I've been cheating on Luka the whole time. 

Luka even believes it, it seems. I really need to talk to him, but every time I approach him, he walks the other way.

I ask Jake instead.

"Jake?"

"Yeah?" He was talking to his fellow football player buddy but he turns away almost immediately and turns all of his attention on me. It makes me feel so lucky that he listens to me, unlike other people that I've known of. Luka always did, though, and that's why I need him back. Maybe not as a boyfriend, but always as a friend.

"Can you maybe talk to Luka and ask him to talk to me? I just want to talk to him," I say. Jake's brow furrows in confusion and also possibly hurt.

"But... why?" he asks slowly.

"Because. I just want to clear things up with him," I say.

"Okay..." he says, though I can tell he's still iffy on the situation. He walks off, hopefully to find my ex-boyfriend.

However, he must do it at my behest because Luka taps me on the shoulder the next day during Study Hour and asks me to come and talk with him outside.

I do and I follow him to the inner courtyard where we sit on the wooden benches underneath the trees and the blue sky that is much too happy for today in my opinion. Not when all of this is going on.

"Megan, Jake says you wanted to talk to me." He doesn't say anything else and I leave it at that.

I take a deep breath. "Can we just... stop?"

"Stop what?" Clearly, he's not cooperating and I sigh.

"Can we just be friends again? Please?" I ask.

"Why?" It's a simple question, one word, and yet I don't know the answer.  

"Because I want you as a friend. Because I need you in my life? Because I sometimes want someone to talk to."

"Can't you talk to Jake?" he asks. Then his brow furrows. "Is he being a bad friend?" There's an edge to his voice though I can tell he's trying to hide it.

"No! No, not at all! I just... I just want to have somebody else to rely on. Someone else that I can talk to about anything. Because I want a friend." Then I sigh, a pitiful thing and I say the words that I don't mean to say. "Because I still love you."

He sucks in a breath and when he lets it out and starts to speak, his voice sounds angry. I wince. "How can you even say that? How can you even dare to say that?" His voice is pained and I can tell he's hurt and angry at me. His eyes cloud up.

"Because it's true." It's the only answer I can come up with.

"Megan. How can you do this to me? Are you trying deliberately to hurt me? Because it worked. It worked perfectly." His chest looks like it's going to explode as he takes deep, angry breaths, and I sigh, willing the tears away. Now is not the time for crying.

"I'm sorry, Luka. I just... I need you too."

His face hardens. "Well... sometimes you can't have everything you want in life." He laughs bitterly. "I already figured that out. After you left me. Left me for him. And you want to know the worst part?" He pauses, though I don't know whether it's for effect or to catch his breath. "He's my best friend and I can't even be mad at him. And I still love you so I can't even be mad at you. Not completely."

I'm going to crack, I'm going to crack, I'm going to crack. Any second now. "You still... love me?" I manage to get out.

He laughs though it's harsh sounding and cruel. "Of course I do. You think I can just stop? That one day I can just let go of everything I've felt for you? And it's sickening and I try to get rid of it but everything you do, from the way you talk to the way you cry, is embedded in my brain and I can't get rid of it and I still love you, goddammit."

"I'm sorry. I really am, Luka. I still love you," I say, and it's true.

My heart has always been conflicted between these two boys, ever since that fateful day at lunch. Carl was a blip in my life and now I'm determined that these two won't be. Won't ever be. I love them both and to choose only one... it would be shattering.

"Luka, please try to understand."

"You think I don't? I understand that you love both of us but somehow, for some reason, you love my best friend more than you love me." He takes a deep breath. "What did I do wrong, Meg? What did I do when we were together to make you want to leave? I thought you loved me. I thought you were over him. What did I do wrong?"

I can't help it. The dam breaks and the tears are unleashed, flooding free. I try to stop them but it's impossible.

"You... you think this is your fault?" I ask quietly, though my tears are still streaming down my face.

"It had to have been. Otherwise, you would have still been mine. I thought you and him were done. I thought you would just stay friends."

"I was yours... once. And I didn't leave because of anything you did. I thought I was over him too. I thought we were going to be friends. And we are. That kiss? I don't know. I don't know what to say about it. I just... I love you both and I don't know what to do and everything in life is so messed up and I wish that someone could help me and I know they can't... I know it's all up to me and I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" I yell, shouting at him, at the sky, at the world.

Suddenly, I'm wrapped in his embrace, his strong arms encircling me as a cocoon would a changing caterpillar. Maybe that's what I am: a caterpillar. Changing and growing up and leaving the old me behind.

And I hate it.

I hate myself.

"Megan, please, stop crying, I beg of you," he says and I look up and he's crying as well, thick tears creating little dark trails on his face.

"I'm so sorry, Luka. I don't know what to do..." I say. "I love you."

"But you love him too. We both love you. And you love both of us. How could you possibly do anything?" He takes a deep breath and lets me go. "There. I've set you free. Not that you were ever mine to keep. I should have known you would have left me sometime, that you wouldn't stay." His voice cracks and it makes me want to be inside of his arms all over again. "Everyone always goes for Jake."

"I'm sorry, Luka. I don't know what else to say. I want you and I want him and I feel as if my heart has broken into two equal parts and one side is for you and one side is for him."

"Shh, Megan, shhhh..." he comforts me. "I let you go. You're free to go to him and I promise I won't be angry. I can't say I don't care but I won't object to it. But..." he pauses.

"What?" I ask through my tears.

"You must promise something in return."

"Anything," I say.

"You must promise that if he hurts you, if he hurts you in any way, you will come back to me and you will tell me and you will let me protect you forever and ever and ever. Do you promise?" His dark eyes are troubled and I nod, promising with all my heart, never meaning anything else so much in my life before.

"I love you. I always will."

I walk away slowly.