Chapter Four

Over and Back Again

My phone alarm wakes me up twenty minutes later than it's supposed to. I sit up in bed, stretching and rubbing my eyes, check the time, go through the much-needed panic and hyperventilation, and accomplish my morning rituals three times faster than normal. I brush my teeth quickly and my hair is swept up into a messy ponytail as fast as humanly possible. Heading downstairs, I apply my scant amount of makeup (lip gloss and mascara) and upon reaching the kitchen, I shovel a quick breakfast into my mouth, all while mentally picking out my outfit of the day. I finally choose a cropped maroon sweater and white ripped skinny jeans and my usual Vans and I'm out the door.

Crap. I completely forgot that I was supposed to get a ride with Clare today. But seeing as Clare and I have been having some complications with our friendship, I'm left without a ride. Carl is definitely not going to be an option, as I've been giving him the cold shoulder with no explanation, and I let out a sigh, already running back inside and calling for my mom.

She sounds exasperated as she yells from her study, "What, Meg? I'm trying to work!" The writing life is so annoying sometimes. Honestly, I don't really think she writes as much as she plays games on the computer, but I don't say anything about it, though there have been many times that I've wanted to bring it up. Right now is not the time though and I try to keep the irritation out of my voice as I call back,

"I need a ride to school. Please? I'm already late as it is! Can I just take your car?" I let out a silent prayer, hoping that she'll say yes just this once, though I already know the answer deep down. I lost the rights to my car because I got one speeding ticket last month. My mom is... overprotective, to say the least, and controlling, more controlling than I can appreciate, especially in times like this.

She walks out, her eyes bloodshot and a grim expression on her face. Her lips are pursed as she shakes her head. "Meg. I'm sorry. I can't. I'm on a fight scene in the novel and you know those take me longer than normal. I have deadlines to meet and I don't have the time." I start to speak but she holds up a nail-bitten hand. "And no, you cannot borrow my car. You're grounded from driving. Don't think I'm going to forget anytime soon. Why don't you call Clare?" she asks. I sigh. My mother is infuriating. It's not that hard to drive me to school. She could at least let me take her car if she claims she doesn't have the time.

I say, "I can't, Mom." But I don't say this loud enough for her to hear me because I know she won't care. Instead, I run back outside and grab my phone from my jeans pocket, knowing there's only one other person who can help me on such short notice.

Why couldn't I have more friends? I silently curse myself.

The phone takes forever to turn on and as soon as it does, I dial his number, hoping he'll pick up and I can hear it ringing once, twice, three times before I finally hear a, "Hello?" Jake's voice sounds confused from my phone.

"Hey! Are you already at school?" I say breathlessly, crossing my fingers, hoping that he isn't.

"Um, no, but I'm almost there. Luka's giving me a ride today. My car broke down last night... Wait, why?" I sigh, almost embarrassed to ask for his help. Or Luka's.

"I kind of need help. I'm stuck. At home. I can't get to school because... my mom won't take me, I missed the bus, I'm grounded from driving, and you know about Clare and Carl already," I say quickly.

He registers the information in a flash. "Okay, what's your address again?" I remind him and he says, "We're on our way," much to Luka's loud grumblings in the background. I owe him something. Both of them.

Ten minutes later, the car arrives at my doorstep. "I'm so sorry. I've been having a bad morning," I say as I gather my stuff. "I owe you guys." Jake waves me off and even Luka doesn't say anything, just stares straight ahead and grunts in acknowledgment. I jump in the surprisingly clean backseat, making sure I brought everything so that I don't cause any more trouble than I already have, and soon we arrive at the school.

I jump up, already unbuckling my seatbelt before the car has even stopped, ecstatic that we aren't late. We even have a minute to spare. "Thank you so much! Love ya!" I say until I suddenly realize what I just said to who. It's something I would have said to my mom, not my friends, especially my male friends. I blush, flustered at my blunder. "I mean, I—"

"It's fine," Luka says, laughing a little and waving my flustered apologies off. "You know we love you too." He's teasing. I think. He smiles again, reinforcing my thoughts.

I get out of the car, grabbing my stuff, and so do they. Jake and Luka walk with me into the school and it's a moment of awkward silence. Finally, Jake breaks it. "So. Lunch today?" he asks before we part ways. I mentally envision my schedule and nod when I don't remember having anything to do, which is not surprising. "Yup. I think. If you don't see me, then something probably came up," I say. "I never do know what I'm supposed to do every day." I laugh a little and say goodbye, after thanking them again.

I walk quickly down the hallways, headed to my locker, my head down... and crash right into someone. "Ouch!" that someone yells in a high pitched tone. I look up and see, to my annoyance, Bethany Russo. Great. As if my morning could get any worse. "Watch where you're going, freak," she says, staring down at me with narrowed eyes caked with eye shadow and eyeliner.

That would normally get to me coming from anyone else but I shake it off. It's Bethany. She says crap like that all the time to everyone. I walk past her, shaking my head, hoping that she'll ignore me and let me go. She does and I breathe an exhale of relief.

Then it gets infinitely worse.

"Hey, Meg." Carl is standing there in front of my locker, almost as if he was waiting for me. He probably was. I've been ignoring him for the past couple of days. He looks at me worriedly and I smile weakly. No, no, no. I don't want to see him yet. I haven't even figured out what my feelings are for him anymore, much less what to say to him.

"Hey," I finally say. I open my locker and he steps aside.

"Umm, where have you been? I haven't seen you in, like, forever," he says. "Why didn't you call me?" He tries to kiss me but I push him away and take a deep breath, bracing for what's coming. It's time.

"Carl, we need to talk," I say, staring down at his feet which are covered in expensive-looking basketball shoes. I start off with the most generic openings to a breakup ever.

He looks confused, though his face doesn't betray anything. Maybe it really is just a rumor. "Umm, okay? Now?" he asks.

"Yes, now." The bell rings but I ignore it. So much for not being late. I mentally apologize to Jake and Luka for making them rush and grab Carl's arm.

I take him and guide him to an empty classroom that used to belong to a science teacher by the looks of the posters on the wall and the lonely forgotten skeleton hanging by the door. I flip on the lights and take a deep breath. I decide to let it all out one swoop. "Okay," I start. "Let's just... get everything all out in the open." Carl stands there, not sure what to say. He looks confused and a little uncertain. I finally just say the words that I've been worrying about for so long. "Have you been cheating on me with Bethany Russo?" The words sound bitter even to my own ears and I inadvertently wince.

I watch as Carl turns red, then purple, then back to red. Finally, his face becomes a pallid white. It looks strange and if this situation wasn't so serious I would laugh. The rainbow of colors has basically just confirmed everything. He takes a deep breath, not sure what to say. "I—I—Megan, I don't know what to say."

I silence his lies. "Just tell me the truth." My heart is twisting itself into knots that Boy Scouts would be proud of. Oh my God, it's true.

His jaw tightens. "Fine. We did some... stuff. Not a lot. But that's it. I'm sorry. It won't happen again." He tries to touch my face and I step back. He winces and I want to slap him. He barely seems abashed, let alone sorry. It's like he told me that he had just lost a basketball game: almost calm and with a trace of sad resignation.

I shake my head and sink to the floor, my knees automatically coming to my chest and my hands reaching up to my hair to snare and entangle the ponytail. "No, Carl. Stop. I just... why?" I sound weak to my own ears.

"I... I don't know, Megan. It just happened. I didn't mean to but... I mean, have you seen that girl?" He cringes, knowing that he just said the worst thing he could possibly say right now. It's disgusting and horrible and tears leak out of my eyes. He looks sorry now but I ignore it.

"Just stop, Carl. It's over," I say quickly, the words tumbling out of my mouth like a toddler learning how to walk before I even know what I've said.

He has the good grace to looks repentant and taken aback as if he can't believe what I just said. Frankly, I can't believe what I just said. We've always been close friends and dating just took us a step further. I can't believe I'm willing to end it just like this. But I can't be with a liar and a cheater. He stutters, "What? Like... Us? You don't mean that. You can't! Megan, it's me." He shakes his head over and over again and I stand up.

"I do. It's over," I repeat, my heart breaking even as I say it. Because I know what's going to happen next. He's going to agree to the break-up and go exclusive with Bethany and I'm going to be left alone, single.

But this needs to happen. I can't do this anymore. I can't be with a boy who's been cheating on me for...

"How long?" I ask, my words breaking.

He has the nerve to look ashamed as he says, "It was three months ago? But it was just that once."

"Three months ago? You've been keeping it a secret from me that long? Carl, how could you?" I'm stunned, blithering at this point. It's not even the fact that he cheated in the first place; it's the lying to me that really hurts. If he had just told me after it happened, I may have had a slightly different reaction.

Carl tries to fix it. "Meg, we've been together for two years. Two years."

"Yeah, and my boyfriend of two years couldn't tell me three months ago that he made a mistake? Carl, if you had just told me..." I shake my head and more tears pour out.

"Then what, Megan? You would have broken up with me sooner." Carl looks down at his hands, wringing them. "I love you, you do know that, don't you?"

I don't respond to his proclamation as I say with a shaky voice, "If you had told me then, maybe I would have let it go. Forgiven you."

He laughs bitterly. "Don't lie to me. You know that you would have broken up with me."

"Well, I don't know how it would have turned out because you lied to me. Carl, if you had told me, I could have thought it over, maybe forgiven you, let it go... but no. You've been lying to me. It's done, Carl."

"I can't believe you're doing this after all this time," Carl says incredulously, his face rigid, his jaw tensed. I scoff.

"What do you mean? You're the one who's been cheating on me with Bethany Russo," I say maliciously. "Carl, she's the girl we both laughed at in eighth grade when she accidentally dyed her hair a putrid yellow instead of the blonde she wanted. Out of all the girls in our school, you had to pick her. Seriously, Carl. I thought you were better than that. I thought you saw past beauty and cared about personality." I'm being mean but I'm so... shattered inside.

His expression hardens and turns blank. "Fine. Is this really what you want?" His voice turns cold. "Once this happens, you're never going to be able to come back. We will never be like this again. Do you know if that's what you want?"

I sigh. I don't want it to happen but it has to. "Yes. It's for the best. We need to be apart. For now. Maybe even for forever, I don't know."

"And what are you going to do after I'm gone? Megan, we've been friends for eleven years! And we've been dating for two of those eleven!" he says. "What are you going to do without me?"

I'm so cruel, so so cruel.

"Move on from cheating assholes like you," I say. I spin around and leave, numb. I ignore his calls for me to come back and keep on walking. Tears are running down my face and I keep my head down, breaking into a run. The bell rings and the hallways fill up with people rushing to their next classes. Finally, I see Clare. I know I need to talk to her today too.

"Clare." She turns and looks at me and crosses her arms. She doesn't seem to notice the tears as I swipe them away. I take a deep breath and just dive right into it. "I'm really sorry for being such a... bitch the other day. I was just... angry at everything. It wasn't your fault," I say.

She looks away and takes a big breath. Finally, she says quietly, "I know. And I'm sorry too. These past few days without you have been horrible." She gives me a hug.

"Clare." I start to cry again and she finally realizes that there are in fact tears sliding down my face.

"Oh, my god, Meg. What is it? Did something happen? What's going on?" Clare asks, ever the worried friend.

"I just ended me and Carl," I sob. "Forever."

"What? Forever-forever?" she asks, concern mixing with confusion.

"I think so." I cry even more. "And I feel so bad about it but he was cheating on me and I can't stay with a guy like that."

"Shhh, shh, it's okay. You're going to move on and meet lots of new guys and life will be good. I promise," Clare says soothingly.

"I just feel so depressed. I don't even have a boyfriend anymore. And he was more than a boyfriend, he was my friend," I start to cry even more. "We were friends for eleven years and in one day it's over. All because of a stupid mistake."

She says uncertainly, "Well, I mean, you without a boyfriend... that sucks. But I mean, I guess it makes two of us."

I look up at her, tears still in my eyes. "Oh, I'm sorry. I completely forgot. I talked to Jake. And I brought you up..." I trail off, unsure of what to say now, my own problems forgotten.

She perks up at that, though I can tell she's struggling to remain concerned for my well-being. "Yeah? And what happened?" She looks almost happy now.

"He said..." I can't say it. I can't hurt her, not now. Not when we've just made up.

"Yeah? Just tell me the truth." But I can't. I won't hurt her. Not now.

So I do the one thing that I shouldn't: lie. "I think you may have... potential. And he says you're... interesting." The words are like knives to each already-broken shard of my heart, but I say them anyway. I know it's a horrible lie and it's not going to do much good in the long run but it will do some good in the short run and I'm going to help Clare in any way that I can if I can't help myself.

"Really?" Clare asks, smiling a little. But then she seems to realize her best friend is still in tears and stops.

"Yeah." I stop. "Do you wanna join us for lunch? I sat with him and Luka and Shaw yesterday."

"What?" She looks weirded out when I tell her. I guess she didn't see me yesterday. Or maybe she just wasn't looking.

"Yeah. Long story. But do you want to?" I ask again.

She looks uncertain. "I mean, will he want me there? Will his friends want me there?" Clare asks nervously.

"Of course he will," I say, crossing my fingers behind Clare's back instead of my own, because my hands are still there, wrapped in a hug as I was crying on her shoulder. I realize how weird this must look to people around us and pull away.

"Okay. I'll go arrange it all now," I say. I wipe the tears away and hope that my eyes aren't red and puffy. Thank God I didn't have time to put on any elaborate makeup today.

"Okay." I turn around quickly and start walking away, not wanting to see her face anymore when the lies are still present. "And Meg?" I hear Clare and turn around again to face her, averting my eyes.

"Yeah?" I ask when she she doesn't say anything.

"Thanks," she says. "For everything." She smiles at me and hugs me again, her perfume scratching my nose. "I'm really thankful that you even said anything to Jake about me. I mean, you didn't have to. So thank you." She spins and walks off.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

so that's it!! what do you think about the breakup??

malaynaturally xx