I know it all too well: the nightmare I can't seem to wake from.

Mae

"Thank you, guys. I hella appreciate y'all," Max said, giving each of the guys a bro handshake-hug after they finished fixing his car. 

"Of course. We got you," Billy said as he nodded. We said our goodbyes, and I offered Max to come back to my house if he didn't want to go back home. This time, he accepted my offer.

"Are you hungry? Thirsty?" I asked him and his siblings when we walked into my house. I walked to the kitchen, looking back at Max, seeing him nod.

"I'll take some water." He smiled. I grabbed three water bottles out of the fridge, and he shook his head. "We can share one."

"That's okay." I handed him the waters, to which he thanked me, and I went into the pantry to see what snacks we had. We hadn't gone food shopping in such a long time, so I grabbed the box of microwavable popcorn and some fruit snacks. "Wanna watch a movie?" 

"Yeah." He nodded. "Are you inviting Ryder?"

"I can." I nodded, patting my pockets, searching for my phone. After finding my phone, I sent a text to Ryder and waited for his response. 

"Do you have a charger?" Max asked. "Android."

"I think James does. Hold on." I went to Zach's room, but he wasn't there. James' stuff was gone. I figured James had to go home, and Zach must have gone over. I knew Mitch had an android, but I wasn't sure if his charger was still in his room. We never went in there to get rid of his stuff after he passed away. Zach and I were too scared.

I walked out of Zach's room, moving toward Mitch's room. I was nervous. We were never allowed in his room, not ever. If we ever went into his room, we would get hit. We never did, so we never got hit for that reason.

With sweaty palms and a racing heart booming in my chest, I placed my hand on the doorknob, twisting it, and pushing open the door. I could feel the rush of cold air hit me. It was freezing in here.

I tried moving my legs, but they were frozen in place. I knew how to move them and tried my hardest to will my legs to move, but I couldn't. 

Come on, Mae, you can do this, I thought.

I inhaled a deep breath of cold air and took a step inside Mitch's room. Once I was in, I moved fast toward his nightstand, opening the top drawer, and finding his charger. 

"Mae?" A deep voice asked, forcing me to let out a shrilling scream.

I froze in my spot, turning with caution toward the voice.

I relaxed when I saw that it was Max.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Max said with a hesitant and uncomfortable stance. I rushed out, handing him the charger, and walked into the kitchen. We didn't talk about what happened; instead, we made popcorn and picked a movie. 

"Are you his girlfriend?" Rosario asked.

"No." I shook my head, smiling.

"Maria's still my girlfriend," Max told her, but she didn't like that.

"I don't like Maria," Rosario told me, and Max shook his head, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, really?" I asked, trying to conceal my smile.

"Yeah, she's mean to my brother, and she always breaks his heart," she answered.

"Oookay," Max said, pulling her into his armpit. "Tell my whole life story."

"Ewww!" His sister cringed, which made Beto laugh.

"Yeah, and she always leaves with different boys and then comes back crying to Max," Beto said, and Rosario nodded.

"Cállate [Shut up]," Max told them, covering their mouth, but his siblings thought it was funny.

"And she sometimes hits my brother on the head," Rosario said. "I don't like it when she hits my brother." She shook her head.

"What did I say?" Max said, authority ringing in his voice, and they both stopped talking. We didn't talk about that either.

His sibling was excited to watch Spider-man and eat snacks. Ryder hadn't texted back, so we started the movie without him. I kept making popcorn, and eventually, we put on another movie.

I heard faint snoring, so I looked at the kids, and they were both asleep. I grabbed the remote, lowering the volume, and Max and I continued watching the movie.

"Thank you for helping me today," Max whispered, his eyes staying on the tv.

"Of course, anything for a friend," I said then laughed. He smiled and then laughed as well.

"What were you and Beto talking about when I was fighting with my grandma?" 

"He was talking to Lexi, and he mentioned your parents being in Mexico." I looked at him as his eyes moved away from the TV toward the floor. 

"Yeah. Two years ago, they were here, but when they had Beto five years ago, they started doing bad with money. It got harder paying bills and all. He needed diapers and formula, so they stole 'em and got arrested. They didn't even have a court date or anything. They just got deported. Of course, we didn't have the money for a lawyer or anything, but my parents told us to not fight it 'cause they didn't want attention on us and to just raise Beto and Rosario. They send money, but it's never enough. We make do with it though. But, it's just hard to teach these two that we're poor, and we can't afford to buy toys or snacks. And that every other kid gets to have nice clothes and shoes but that their shoes are good until it hurts to walk in them."

His eyes watered as he clenched his teeth, trying to stop the tears from falling as he shook his head, and my heart ached for him. 

"Have you tried applying for DACA?" I asked.

"My parents think it's not real, like, they'll come for us, like, it's a way to seek out immigrants." He shrugged. 

"You know Jose's from Mexico. Billy knows some people who got him a birth certificate, social security, everything. Jose even got arrested a few times; everything's legit," I told him, and that caught his interest.

"Really?" He seemed skeptical. 

"Yeah, I can ask him," I offered, but he hesitated. "I'll tell him and see what he can do."

He smiled. "Thank you."

I nodded, smiling. 

"Can I use your restroom?" 

"Yeah, it's straight down the hall," I told him. "No one uses it, so it's probably dusty." I laughed.

"It's okay." He laughed, and when he walked away, his phone started ringing.

"Your phone's ringing," I told him.

"Answer it. It's probably Ryder."

"Hello?" I answered the phone.

"Who the fuck is this?" A girl on the other side of the phone asked. 

"Who's this?" I asked. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. 

"Don't play that game with me. I'll fuck you up. Who is this?!" She asked.

I hung up. I wasn't prepared for that. Too much yelling. It started triggering me.

"What happened?" Max asked when he walked back into the living room, seeing my face.

"It wasn't Ryder," I told him, and his phone started ringing again. It said unknown caller, but he still knew who it was.

"What the fuck do you want?" Max asked, answering the phone. "Don't worry about it... and if it is... no, you not. You not gon' do shit... alright... alright! Yeah, tonight. A'ight, I'll see you later." He hung up.

I was very confused. "Everything okay?" I asked, hesitating because the call was conflicting.

"Toxic girlfriend," he said, sitting back down. We looked at the TV, and I still felt weird from being yelled at. It hadn't happened out of nowhere in such a long time. "You were abused, huh?"

I looked at him, shocked by his nonchalant tone and by how calm he sat, looking at me.

"What?" I asked, making sure I had heard correctly.

"No judgment. I was just asking." 

That made me feel worse. "How?" I asked, wanting to know how he knew. Or, more like I needed to know.

"Sometimes at school, you flinch if someone yells or moves toward you fast. I don't think you really notice it because you act normal after. Sometimes, you don't. I think that's why you're quiet."

I remained silent.

"Bennett noticed too. He figured that's why you always wear long sleeves and hoodies, even in the summer. He thought it could be 'cause you're insecure with your body too."

I didn't know what to say. But I also didn't want to remain silent. Remaining silent had started to feel like a noose around my neck, and all my body wanted to do was take a deep breath of fresh air.

"Yeah." I nodded. "My father beat us, and I would wear long sleeves and such to hide the bruises."

"I'm really sorry. I mean, I know it doesn't do anything, but I'm sorry that happened to you," he said, picking up his arm, and wrapping it around me. It was awkward, and we both caught onto that, which made us laugh.

"Thank you." I smiled and sat up when my phone beeped.

I'm bored ): -R

I invited you to watch a movie with me and Max. -M

I know but I was busy, and now that I'm not busy, I'm bored. Capeesh? -R

Who peed in your cheerios? -M

My cat. He has NO respect }: -R

Fr tho let's get ice cream (: -R

"Do you wanna get ice cream?" I asked Max. He looked up from his phone, not hearing what I had asked, so I asked again. 

"I can't. Ash went home, and our Abuela wants us home," Max said. 

"Okay." I nodded. He got up, so I walked him outside.

Omw to your house. -R

Okay -M

"How was your day?" Ryder asked when I got into his car. I smiled because it was rare for someone to ask me that.

"It was good, how was your day?" I asked, buckling my seatbelt.

"That's such a generic answer. I wanna know how your day was or else I wouldn't have asked," he said, pulling out of my driveway.

I laughed. "Fine. I woke up with a hangover, it went away, I picked up Max 'cause his car broke down, went to Billy's to fix his car, spoke to them for the first time, and watched a movie with Max and his siblings."

"There you go." He smiled, speeding down the street with one hand on the wheel. 

"How was your day." I laughed.

"It was fine." He shrugged.

I deadpanned, and he laughed.

"Family drama." He shrugged. "But I got my eyebrows down. Look."

He looked at me, getting all close and personal, and the edges of his perfect eyebrows were a bit red. "Do you wax 'em?"

"Yeah. In the beginning, it hurt like a bitch, but I'm used to it now. I like how clean they get."

"Try getting your upper lip waxed," I told him, and he laughed.

"Tried it. Hurts way worse." He nodded, smiling.

"Have you talked to Damien?" I asked, unable to help my curiosity.

"Not really." He shook his head. "He's probably hooking up with some girls." I snap my head toward him, and he started busting up. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. He usually goes silent when he's there. He's busy... not hooking up with girls."

"Thanks for the new insecurity," I mumbled, and he laughed.

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Ryder asked. 

I laughed but then wanted to murder him when he asked five more times. I kept telling him to stop, but since I was laughing as I begged, he didn't take me seriously.

"How's school?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"Good, still top of the class," he said, and my heart dropped. I had always flickered between number one and number two, but I never knew who the other student was.

"What?" I asked, shocked.

"Yeah." He smiled. "You didn't know I was smart? Yeah, I'm hella, like, I'm talkin' hella smart."

"You're the one always tryin' take my spot," I told him, making him laugh.

"That's you? Always tryin' be like me." He shook his head, teasing me.

"Not even." We both laughed.

He asked me the woodchuck question again.

"If you asked me that one more time," I started to threaten but that only made his smile grow, "I'mma pull your e-brake."

"Okay, okay, chill." He laughed, pulling into the parking lot of the ice cream shop.

I hopped on his back, and he grunted dramatically. "Am I going to break your back this time?" I asked, a bit snarky.

"Maybe." He laughed as he carried me on his back.

"Consider this your workout."

"Oh, yes. I've reached max level and weight then."

"You're mean!" I said, pushing his head down a bit.

"I'm kidding!" He laughed. "I like to play with the hearts of insecure girls."

"Wow!" I said, and he laughed. "You called me fat and insecure. I see why you don't have a girlfriend." He stopped walking and stood straight. I couldn't stay on his back anymore, so I slid off.

"I was just joking," he mumbled, looking down, a bit of sadness in his eyes. "Let's go."

"I was just-"

"Don't worry about it." He shook his head, waving me off.

Gosh, I felt like such a jerk!

We walked into the ice cream shop, and when the girl behind the counter saw us walk in, she stopped fixing her hat and stood straight, plastering a smile on her face.

"Hi! Welcome to Berry's Dairy Ice Cream Bucket!" She smiled brightly, but her smooth, clear skin was light pink. I knew her from school and knew that she worked here since freshman year, but I could tell she still got a little embarrassed when she welcomed people.

Aleah was the type of girl who was pretty but didn't see it because she was a bit chubby. She was shy, but I've seen her with her friends. She was outgoing with the right type of people.

"Hey, Campbell," Ryder said with a soft and gentle smile, nothing like he gave the girls at school. It was different than just some nice smile. She smiled, looking a bit nervous in Ryder's presence, but greeted him back.

"Hey, Lynch." She smiled, her chubby, rosy cheeks squishing her eyes as she smiled brightly, making her eye smile ten times cuter. "What can I get you?"

"Mmm." Ryder hummed as he looked at the menu. "I can't find it."

"Ohh, what's that?" She asked, looking at the menu on her side of the counter.

"Your number," he said, and she laughed.

"Riiiight." She laughed.

"Can I get two scoops of Rocky Road and one scoop of Cotton Candy?" He asked, and she nodded. He looked at me, so I held up my phone, showing him what I had typed.

One scoop of mint choco and one scoop of sherbert

After he said what I wanted, Aleah rang it up in the register and said the price. I tried paying, but he kept fighting me on it.

"I got it." He chuckled, but I shook my head. I reached to give Aleah my card, but he held my arm back and gave her a twenty-dollar bill. She took it and gave him the change.

"Thank you." I signed to Ryder, and he nodded with a smile. Aleah scooped my ice cream into a cup and handed it to me.

"Ohh, we ran out of Rocky Road." She smiled, and Ryder laughed.

"Is that right?" Ryder smiled, walking over to the counter, leaning over a bit, and looked into the glass. "Seems like you have plenty to me."

He looked up at her with a soft, gentle smile, and she looked down, smiling as she continued to scoop his ice cream. Instead of the two scoops of Rocky Road Ryder ordered, she gave him three. After she was finished, she handed it to him with a smile on her face.

"Enjoy." Aleah smiled.

"You too"—he shook his head—"I mean, thank you."

"You're welcome." She laughed. He smiled at her, the same soft smile and softness in his eyes he had been looking at her with. When we walked out, he couldn't stop smiling as he ate his ice cream.

"Do you like her?" I asked, and he looked at me but said nothing as he pulled out his car keys. We got into his car, and I wanted to know. I wasn't going to let it go that easy. "Do you?"

He shrugged.

"Do you?"

"She would never go for someone like me," he said, eating his eye cream. I was confused. I mean, why wouldn't she?

"Why wouldn't she?"

He shrugged again.

"Why? You need me to say it in Spanish, por qué?" I asked, and he laughed.

"Well, you saw her, and then there's me," he said, eating his ice cream. He basically looked like a model doing an advertisement for ice cream. He wasn't even trying to look like a model, he just did.

"Is it because she's chubby?" I asked, and he snapped his head toward me, furrowing his eyebrows.

"No, I'm not like that." He shook his head. "Sure, I tease you a bit when I carry you on my back, but I don't care if someone's skinny, or thick, or chubby, or fat. If I like someone, I like them. If I like someone, it's because of their personality."

"But all of the girls at school that you go out with have one thing in common."

"Yeah, they've never been my girlfriend, only friends with benefits." He ate his ice cream, a solemn look on his face. "I have needs." He laughed.

"But do you want a girlfriend?" He hesitated but nodded.

"Someone to call mine, to hold and cuddle with, someone to kiss and talk to late at night over the phone, over facetime, someone to make happy, someone to be in love with. Yeah, I want that," he said, his voice soft. It felt so heartwarming to see him express himself that way.

"Aww, Ryder!"

"Stooop!" He laughed, sort of embarrassed. I kept smiling as he reversed out of the parking space.

"So then what do you mean?" I asked, and he sighed as he started driving.

"She's a good girl, a good person, and then there's me. Douchebag, jackass, I'm someone who's good enough to have sex with but not good enough to date."

"That's not true." I shook my head.

He deadpanned as he turned to look at me.

"It's not true." I shook my head again.

"Then why haven't any of the girls I hooked up with wanted to date me in a serious manner?" Ryder asked, and nodded in an instant. "Exactly."

"You didn't give me time to answer." I laughed. "You're hooking up with the wrong girls."

"False."

I laughed, continuing to eat my ice cream.

"I tried talking to the cute nerdy girls, the robotic club girls, the book worms, nothing, nada. They always think I'm pranking them, which is actually really sad," he said, forgetting his spoon and just eating the ice cream straight out of his cup as he drove. "It's like, they see my physical appearance, you know, Norse God and all, and automatically assume I have no personality. I'm more than just the hot dumb friend."

I laughed at the Norse God part, which made him smile, but I nodded at the rest. He was right; he was more than just the friend. "First and foremost, you're not dumb. Second, you need to... stop sleeping... with girls?" I said with caution, unsure how he would take what I was saying. "Because I feel like that's your way of seeking validation."

He gasped like his life was ending. "I feel... attacked." He put his hand over his chest.

I laughed, almost choking on my ice cream. "So it's true?"

"I mean"—he shrugged—"I guess." He nodded, stopping at the red light. "Do you wanna come to my house?" I was surprised he offered, and he laughed, probably noticing my expression. "I have a house you know?"

"I know." I laughed but only because I had never thought about Ryder's home life.

Once we reached his neighborhood, I was in awe. Mansions everywhere. Or, that's how I saw them.

He parked in the driveway in front of a beautiful house with a beautiful garden and a gorgeous porch set up. Everything was so elegant. 

"Yeah, that's usually the look." He nodded, and I snapped out of my daze.

"Geez, dude." I gushed as I got out of the car, and he laughed. "You can adopt me."

"I don't think piglets are allowed in city limits," he joked, and I laughed, pushing his shoulder as we approached the tall front door. We walked inside, and this was the dream. I had often searched for beautiful houses, dreaming about the house I could possibly live in when I was older. But, nothing I searched for was ever this beautiful as this.

"To be rich." I dreamed, looking up at the beautiful, sparkly chandelier.

"I'm not rich," he said, and I deadpanned as I looked at him.

"My dad's in the military and so was my mom," he said, looking around.

"Military child," I said, and he smiled.

"Yeah, I plan on joining too," he said. "I wanna be a doctor."

"Really?" I asked. It was ironic how I hated when people judged me, but that's exactly what I had done with Ryder, judged him.

He nodded. "My room's this way."

We walked toward a beautiful staircase, and I noticed framed pictures up on the wall. There were several family photos, many of which had four people in them. I looked close, seeing Ryder's uncanny resemblance toward his father, but he also toward his mother. He had both masculine features as well as feminine features that coincided in such an elegant way it was beautiful. The other boy in the photo was another version of their father.

"You have a brother?" I asked, and he nodded before looking away. I took it they weren't the close type. "What's his name?"

"Sean," Ryder answered, stopping midstep, and turning back to look at me.

"Speak of the devil, and he shall appear," a voice called out. I turned around and saw the guy who was in the photo; except, he looked older now.

"I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow," Ryder told him, and his brother shrugged.

"Thought I'd surprise you." Sean smiled and then gave me his attention. "Well, hello, pretty."

I smiled and then released a silent chuckle.

"Come on, Mae, let's go." Ryder grabbed my hand and started pulling me upstairs until another hand, with a gentle grasp, grabbed my arm.

"Ohh, c'mon. The pretty girl can stay if she wants. Mae, is it?" I turned around and nodded. "My apologies." He let go of me. I looked at his full appearance, and he did look a lot like Ryder. Sean seemed bigger than Ryder, but that was most likely from being older. They had the same green eyes and auburn hair.

"Leave her alone, Sean." Ryder stood in front of me, blocking my view of Sean. It was quiet until Sean stepped up and got in Ryder's face, being a few inches taller.

"I promised you, Ryder, and I intend on keeping that promise." Sean started walking away until Ryder spoke.

"It wasn't my fault, Sean." Sean stopped in his tracks but kept his back facing us.

"It kind of was, Ryder." His voice was filled with sorrow and pain—it made me curious as to what caused him such pain. I felt bad for him. Ryder turned around, walking upstairs, and leading me to his room. I remained silent on the way, unsure if I should speak or not. He was quieter than usual, but I didn't push it. If he wanted to talk about it, he would.

"Excuse the mess," he said when we walked in, but contrary to what he said, his blue and white themed bedroom was spotless. Not a single crumb was on his floor. It smelled like clean linen in here. A small kitten jumped on the bed, making me smile. It was a very cute black and white fluffy kitten.

"You actually have a cat?" I asked, referring to the text he had sent. He picked up the cat, kissing its forehead, and brought it toward me. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"It's a boy. His name is Dino, for my love of dinosaurs."

I laughed and rubbed the kitten. Dino got scared after a bit of rubbing, and he jumped on Ryder's bed. I looked around, noticing the pinboard above his desk covered in drawing and sketches.

"You like to draw?"

"I don't. I can't draw to save my life." He laughed, shaking his head. "Those are Bennett's. Those are the ones he wanted to throw away because he didn't like them. 'Too many imperfections.'"

I looked closer, unable to see any imperfections, and it made me wonder what the drawing Bennett thought was perfect looked like. I analyzed the drawing and noticed a few were Serpent drawings.

"He should tattoo these."

"He does." Ryder chuckled. "Well, technically, he doesn't, but he draws them, and our tattoo artist works his magic." He pointed to several different drawings, informing me who they belonged to. "That's Damien's... mine... Bennett's... and Max's"

They were all detailed to a T. "Damien has one?" I asked, looking at his a bit longer.

"Yeah." Ryder nodding, finishing his ice cream. I let the little bit of ice cream I had melt. Now that we weren't in the car, I felt shy eating it in front of him. Another drawing caught my attention.

It was a drawing of a girl. She was beautiful, and the picture was hyperrealistic. She was smiling, appearing so happy.

"Who is she?" I asked, looking, and pointing at the drawing.

"Someone I used to know," he said, his voice distant as he looked away. "Wanna hear something?"

"Yeah." I nodded and looked at Ryder, seeing him pull out a guitar from his closet.

"I rarely play anymore, but let's see if I still got it," he joked, making me chuckle. I sat on his bed, and he sat next to me, adjusting his fingers on the cords. He started playing, and after a few seconds, I recognized the song he was playing.

I smiled at the beautiful melody, and then, my mouth dropped when he started singing with such a beautiful voice. I laughed a bit at how astonished I was.

I couldn't stop smiling as he sang. He finished singing, and I couldn't stop gaping at him. He started smiling, but his smile faded when a slow clap broke the silence. I looked at the door, and Sean was leaning against the door frame, slowly clapping his hands as he looked at Ryder.

"I guess, some things never change, brother."

"It's not like that, Sean." Ryder stood and put his guitar back in his closet.

"Really? 'Cause you never played your guitar for just anyone." Sean looked at me, Ryder, me again, and then finally at Ryder. As if Sean found something, he smirked. "She's Cupcake, isn't she?" Sean laughed. He knew who I was? I wondered how.

"Yeah, so you know she's Damien's girl."

It sounded weird hearing him say that to someone else. It was different, something I wasn't used to, but liked nonetheless.

"Whatever you say, brother." Sean turned to me, looking at me with a condescending smile. Before he left, he said, "Ask him who the last girl he played for was."

"Sean," Ryder warned, making Sean's smirk grow.

"She doesn't know?"

"Get out, Sean!" Ryder snapped. Sean laughed but listened and walked out.

"Maybe I should go," I suggested.

He hesitated but nodded, knowing it was better that I leave before they started arguing or something worse. "I'm sorry." He looked to me and offered a smile, but even though he was good at hiding behind a smile, whatever just happened with his brother must have been big enough to make even Ryder unable to smile.

"If you wanna talk, I'm here. I just don't wanna pry, you know?" 

"I'll take you home," he said.

"It's okay. I can call Billy. You're already home, and it's sort of cold out there." I side hugged him, and he hugged me back. I pulled away, and he looked away, walking toward his desk, but I saw it before he turned away. I saw the tears in his eyes, the pain he felt. He looked at his drawings on his desk, and the drawing of the girl caught my attention again. I walked away with a slight pain in my heart, feeling for him. I made my way out of his house and closed the door behind me. As I started walking out, I heard shouting.

It's none of your business, Mae, I convinced myself. Billy picked me up, and I left with Ryder and his troubles clouding my mind.

*~*

I woke up to my phone ringing. Groaning, I checked who it was and answered the call.

"Is my phone dead?" Ryder asked. I groaned but noticed his voice sounded different. He was joking, but his voice was far from humorous.

"What's wrong?"

"Had a nightmare."

"I know that all too well." I laid back down, still holding the phone to my ear.

"This is the part where you offer me to come over," he said, and I smiled.

"You can come over."

"No, no. That's okay." 

I closed my eyes, trying to have patience. "Come over."

"Well, if you insist," he said, and not even a second later, I heard tapping on my window.

"You're impossible."

"I know. It's what makes me irresistible."

"That's what you think." I opened the window and backed away so he could climb inside. He tossed his bag through the window and then climbed through. I laid back down on my bed and got comfortable.

"Make yourself at home, but stay on your side of the bed."

"Man, and here I thought we were gonna cuddle." Sarcasm was dripping in his voice. I mumbled an incoherent threat as I felt the bed dip. I started dozing off but stopped when I heard Ryder whisper, "He loved her, too, but she chose me."