I desire things that could destroy me in the end.

Mae

I got up from the couch and went to my room to dress in my fighting attire, so I could practice before the fight. Walking into my closet, I grabbed my clothes and changed into them. My mind kept reminding me of Damien's words. A part of my mind was trying to convince me that his words were genuine and another part that they weren't. I had spoken to Zach about it, and he said what Damien told me was real.

I walked into the kitchen and saw Zach. I rolled my eyes at him, resulting in him laughing. I was still mad at him for not telling me that he had seen Damien's feelings for me. "Hey, Munchkin!" he beamed. I looked at him and then looked away, ignoring him. He started laughing harder, and I smiled at his laugh. "You're so petty," he laughed.

"How am I petty? I have every right to be angry at you for not telling me," I told him. He rolled his eyes at me, throwing his head back, and looking up at the ceiling in annoyance.

"You saw it for yourself and if you didn't, it's not my fault you're blinded from love," Zach shrugged, walking to the refrigerator. I didn't have anything to say because he was right—which was something I would never admit. I couldn't tell if Damien truly had feelings for me because I didn't know what it felt like for someone to like me in the ways Damien had told me over the audio files.

I didn't know the signs of someone being in love with me and wasn't sure if someone could ever love me. Why would someone love me? What was there to love? Those thoughts alone made me feel sad.

"Still, you should have told me," I grumbled, not really blaming him but blaming myself for not seeing it. He closed the refrigerator and walked to the cabinets, looking for food.

"To be honest, I wasn't even sure if he did or not. I can't even tell when a girl flirts with me, you think I'm gonna be able to tell when someone likes you?" Zach asked and gave up on looking for food. I shrugged, and he shook his head.

"I don't know what to do," I admitted, and his face grew serious. He knew what I was talking about. I had been at an impasse with my decision about whether or not to go through with the fight with Damien.

"What does it feel like you should do?" He asked, and I shrugged, shaking my head. "Then fight him. Hurt him physically, make forgiveness harder on you, and win the fight."

I furrowed my eyebrows, pushing my head back. I didn't want to hurt Damien, that was never something I had wanted. I hated that option. "I don't want to hurt him." I shook my head slowly. His face grew soft, a small smile replacing all the seriousness.

"You care for him," he stated, and I nodded as I looked down, embarrassed that he could tell. "Mae, it's okay to like him, to care for him. You can't choose who you like, your heart does." I looked at him, and he smiled. "Don't fight him. Don't dig yourself deeper into a hole you can't get out of."

"Then what am I supposed to do if I don't fight him?" I asked desperately, trying to find any other way than revealing myself to Damien.

"Does your streak really matter that much?" He asked. That's what he had thought?

"No. At this point, it doesn't matter to me at all," I admitted but that only confused him further.

"If your streak doesn't matter to you, why are you conflicted about whether or not to fight Damien?" He asked, confused.

"If I don't fight him, I'm gonna have to show him who's under the hood. Once I do, his hatred for the King is going to go to me."

"You don't know that," he said, shaking his head.

"Neither do you," I reasoned.

"His hated for the King could disperse the moment he finds out it was you all along," he said. Even if what Zach was saying could be true, I didn't want to take that chance.

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you," he smiled smugly as he flipped my words on me. "When you're both fighting, he's gonna be angry. He'll want to win, so he'll fight hard. You won't be able to walk out unscratched. Mae, how do you think he's gonna feel after he fights you, and later finds out it was you he fought? That it was you he beat on?"

I hadn't considered that factor. On how Damien would feel if we fought. After he had tried so hard in getting me to see that he was actually a good guy the entire time and for me to trust him, I knew he would be hurt that I let him hurt me. "So..." I trailed off, wanting him to give me the answer on what to do.

"I can't tell you what to do, 'cause that's up to you. I can only give you a suggestion of what to do. The decision is your choice," he told me, and I groaned. That's not what I wanted to hear. He smiled, and I threw my head back in despair.

"I need to clear my head and train," I told him, walking out of the kitchen and grabbing my car keys as I walked out the front door.

After finding parking at the gym, I readjust my hood to make sure I was hiding and walked into the gym with my boxing gloves. I approached an open punching bag and took my earbuds out along with my phone and played music before putting my phone back into the pocket of my hoodie.

Once I finished wrapping my wrists and hands, I slipped the boxing gloves on and concentrated on punching. My thoughts kept coming, but I kept pushing them away like I always had and only concentrated on what was before me.

Damien's face came into mind but that was the one thought I didn't push away. It felt like I was in the ring with him, fighting and hurting him. People around us, cheering and chanting for who they wanted to win.

As I threw a punch toward the punching bag, I saw his face instead of the punching bag. I punched and he fell down, but I didn't stop and that scared me. It was like I couldn't. My anger took over, and I kept punching and punching. I wanted to stop, but it was like my body didn't know how. I didn't want to hurt him. At that moment, I felt like someone I knew.

Mitch.

"Easy there. What did the punching bag do to you?" I turned around and saw Max standing in the back of me. My song was ending, bringing silence until a new song came on, so I took off my earbuds.

He was smiling, amused at seeing me fight. I lifted my tired, sore arm, and pushed my hood forward to make sure I was still hiding. I nodded up once, acknowledging him and started to walk away.

"James," I heard another voice call, but I kept walking, thinking nothing of it. "James." I stopped when I realized they were calling James' name. I turned around and saw Bennett standing next to Max. They shared a look before looking at me.

"I guess he prefers to be called King," Max joked, and they both chuckled. I nodded slowly, realizing I didn't respond to James' name.

"You're shorter than the last time I saw you," Bennett realized. I shook my head as my heart slowly started to beat faster. "Your height reminds me of someone I know." His voice was condescending, almost as if he was mocking me.

"Yeah, reminds me of your girlfriend," Max said, and my heart took off racing. "But last time I saw, you were taller than her."

"So have you two been together for long?" Bennett asked, and I nodded, continuing the charade Zach and James made. I pointed to the door with my glove and started to make my way toward it, but he stopped me by what he had said next. "I don't think that's true."

I stopped mid-step and stood straight. "Do you wanna know what I think is the truth?" Max asked. I shook my head, still not turning around to face them. As he spoke again, I could hear his voice change directions as if he was looking at Bennett when he spoke. "How about you, Bennett, would you like to hear what I think is the truth?"

"I would love to hear what you think is the truth," Bennett mocked, laughing when he finished speaking. I could hear Max's footsteps approaching as he spoke, and my body froze by what he said.

"Well, I think the truth," Max started as he got closer to me. We were about the same height, so his voice was heard right by my ear. "Is that you weren't dating Mae, at all. There was no saving each other and then falling in love. I think it was all a ruse to save yourself from getting busted by the cops. I mean, if you were arrested, Zach would have been too. That would have been put on his record, kissing goodbye any scouts from wanting to sign him. Why would they want someone who was affiliated with a criminal, right?"

"Don't forget the King's identity," Bennett helped. I froze in my spot as Max's presence was in the back of me. I couldn't move or walk away, but I wanted to. He was centimeters away, if he wanted to, he could have pulled down my hoodie.

"Ooh right, how could I forget that," I could hear the smile in Max's voice as he spoke. "The King's secret would have been exposed, and everyone would have known who he was right then and there. So to recap. The truth is, you're not dating Mae."

"Because you are Mae," Bennett added. My heart sank to a bottomless pit as adrenaline numbed through my entire body. I clenched my fist, my body screaming to move, and I walked forward, adding distance between us before turning around. Max walked back and stood next to Bennett.

They knew my secret. The one I had been trying to keep hidden for years, they now knew. Questions filled my mind: how long had they known? Was it just the two of them who knew? Who else knew?

I couldn't believe they knew the entire time but never said anything. What was their end game? I didn't peg them as the blackmailing type but then again, I didn't really know any of them. I looked at both of them, and they didn't seem scary or hostile. They seemed like the friendly Bennett and Max I knew.

I shook my head, denying what they were saying, but they both smiled, knowing what they had said was the truth. "What I don't understand is that I've seen the way you look at Damien. I know you have some feelings for him and now you know he has feelings for you," Max started. "So why did you come up with the idea to tell Damien that you were dating the King, to hurt Damien like that?"

Max looked confused as I looked at both of them, only moving my eyes, but their facial expressions changed. They both started thinking, running every possibility of why, until they spoke on the one that made the most sense, the truth.

"Unless... it wasn't Mae's idea," Bennett said, furrowing his eyebrows in thought. They were both thinking hard until their faces relaxed.

"Zach," they said in unison, coming to a conclusion. "It was Zach's idea," Max added. I shook my head, but he nodded, realizing the truth.

I was scared at how observant they were. They were quick in coming up with an explanation, and I wondered what else they would figure out about me.

Bennett looked at me as Max looked off to the corner in thought. I didn't want him to continue thinking. I wanted to disrupt his thinking, but I couldn't, that wouldn't have been very subtle. "Damien doesn't know, in case you were wondering."

"So, what do you say?" Max's question brought me out of my daze. I cocked my head to the side, showing my confusion. "Why don't you take off the hoodie? We already know it's you. There's no point in denying it now." I knew he was right, and he knew he was right, but I wouldn't admit that so easily.

I looked deeper into their eyes and there was the smallest bit of doubt. They were playing on a whim with no real or solid evidence.

I turned around and started walking out but stopped when Bennett spoke. "Are you still going through with the fight?" I thought about it before I shrugged and walked out.

After driving home, I walked into my house and all that kept replaying in my head was the scenario with Bennett and Max. I walked into the living room, needing to sit down and saw Zach lying on the couch.

I stopped and stared at the couch absentmindedly. I saw Zach look at me, but I made no move to talk or sit. He got up, asking me a question and that made me come back to reality.

"What happened?" He asked, looking worried.

"They know," I told him, moving to the couch and sitting down.

"Who knows what?" Zach asked, making no move to sit back down and despite my tiredness, I needed to stand, so I stood.

"Bennet and Max. They know I'm the one under the hood. They know I'm the King, Zach," I told him, moving my hands as I spoke.

"H-how? Whe-? Wha-?" He shook his head as he was at a loss for words.

"At the gym, and I'm not sure how they know. I didn't ask," I told him and sat back down.

"Why not?!" He asked incredulously, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Well, I didn't exactly admit who I was to them!" I told him. "I couldn't. They didn't really know, it was just an assumption. A correct one but still, I wouldn't have admitted that either way." I looked away in thought. What did this mean for the fight? Was it still going to happen?

"Then what are you gonna do?" He asked as if he read my thoughts.

"Fight him," I whispered, finalizing my unwanted decision, and he scoffed.

"Why are you making this harder for yourself?" He asked, moving out of the hall that was outside of the living room and to the couch, sitting next to me.

"What am I supposed to do?!" I asked. I got up and started walking to my room. "Be ready in an hour." I walked into my room and closed my door.

I fell back on my bed and let my thoughts wander. I kept thinking back to when I was punching the punching bag, and I thought it was Damien. I kept punching, hurting, and beating him to a pulp. I didn't stop, I wanted to but didn't; or more like couldn't.

What if that happened out there? I got up, sliding off my bed and onto the floor. What if I hurt him? What if I put him in the hospital?

My breathing started escalating, but it didn't feel like I was breathing. I kept picturing me as Mitch. Beating and torturing Damien. That's what it would be like in the ring. I tried grasping one breath, but I couldn't. I was breathing, but my body didn't know how to stop to catch one breath. My body was fighting to breathe, but my mind was telling my body otherwise.

My heart started accelerating, and I kept concentrating on the feeling of how each palpation felt like, only making it intensify. I could feel the pain and ache in my heart; the feeling of blood rushing in and out. It scared me that I could feel my heart squeezing and clenching in pain.

I clutched my chest, and I felt like I was going to die. That scared me. Me being scared only caused my heart to spike, causing another stab to my heart.

I pictured Damien crawling away from me, begging for his life, but I didn't stop. I kept coming after him over and over again. I grabbed him by the back of his neck, pressing a hot iron to the side of his throat, and he screamed out in pain, crying and begging me to stop.

I could hear him apologizing for something he didn't do as I kept torturing him. I got up and rushed to my counter. I kept clutching at my chest every time I felt a heart palpitation. I looked in the mirror, trying to calm myself.

Breathe, Mae. Breathe.

Slowly, my panic attack stopped, and I sat on the edge of my bath. My head started pounding from taking in too much oxygen too fast, so I opened my mirror and pulled out my Advil.

The door opened, and I heard footsteps approaching. Zach stood before the threshold of my door and looked at me. Looking at how I had one hand clutching at my chest, and the other clutching a bottle of Advil.

"What happened?" He asked, grabbing the bottle of Advil and handing me two.

"Nothing," I told him, shaking my head. He knew I was lying and knew what I had just gone through. It was how we both found each other at times when we walked into each other's rooms. He had more panic attacks then I had had.

It scared me how well he seemed to be put together, despite every that had happened to us. It often worried me that he never showed any signs of being damaged. My exterior damage was being selectively mute, but he had shown no signs of being damaged, it was all on the inside.

"Still going through with this?" He asked. I thought about what had just happened and knew I needed to have control when we fought.

"I think so," I told him. I guess I was going to find out just how much self-control I had.

"Well, isn't this fun? To get your ass beat by the guy who claims he's in love with you. Isn't that just romantic?" Zach asked, smiling. I deadpanned, and he laughed. I smiled at his contagious laugh and shook my head.

"Once he finds out who I really am, he's going to hate me. Any feelings he has for me, gone. Glad that amuses you," I told him, lifting the Advil to my mouth, taking both, then drinking from the faucet.

"Ooh stop feeling sorry for yourself," he shook his head. "You're the moron who wants to trust him." I flipped him off, and he smiled, shrugging.

I guess in a way I had kept thinking about it and torturing myself with the what if's. Those were killer to my mentality. I really had hoped Damien would forgive me for this secret but hope was a dangerous thing.

Hope was what made me want to hand him my heart as he held a knife, trusting and hoping he would never use the knife. I wanted to trust him because deep down, I wanted him to be able to forgive me for lying to him, but I wasn't sure if that could happen.

Zach walked out, waiting for me as I got dressed. I decided against the usual braids I wore when I fought. I got dressed and put my hair in a loose ball then put it in my beanie. I walked to the living room, seeing Zach looking up at the ceiling in thought.

"Ready?" I asked. He looked at me and nodded, so we started heading out, but I went back to my room and grabbed the flash drive. Damien would most likely want it back.

I wouldn't lose the fight, not any fight. Not today or any other day. Even if this was the last fight I was ever going to have, I was going to make damn sure I didn't lose. I headed out, driving toward the storage to switch cars.

After switching the car, I headed to the warehouse. I kept trying to motivate myself, but I felt bad that I was going to hurt Damien more than I already had.

I didn't want him hurting me either but that was my punishment for going through with the fight. There were two outcomes, and I was only okay with one of them. Either I don't hurt him, and he knows the truth, or I hurt him even more, and he doesn't find out the truth, and he doesn't hate me. I couldn't have him, of all people, hate me. I'd be too painful.

Apart of me wanted him to know the truth about who the King really was but another part didn't. I never would have thought I'd be this conflicted about something before, but I had to listen to the part of me that said him finding out was the worst thing.

If he found out who I was, that would lead to other questions; ones he can't know the answers to. Such as: Why did you start? How did you find out about this? Why do you fight as if your life depended on it? Does it? What does fighting mean for you?

Especially the last one. The answer to the last question would make me sound like a monster.

I pulled into the warehouse and parked. I saw people in sections, almost as if there was an invisible line, and they couldn't cross it or more like, didn't want to.

I saw some of Billy's guys here, and Damien's as well. There were some guys I had seen who came to Razor's bar, but Razor's guys would never do business with them.

"Are those...?" Zach trailed off, not finishing his sentence as he stared absentmindedly at the people standing outside. I nodded knowing what he had already meant. Those were the three Gangs, waiting and eager to watch the fight. I had heard people made bets, there were hundreds of thousands riding on this fight.

The warehouse was neutral territory. That was why I had fought several different people from different Gangs. It was also why if my identity got out, many people would come after me.

"There's just one missing," I whispered, scared as if I spoke too loud the people outside would hear. They were talking, laughing, and drinking beer. Oblivious to the fact that I was here or maybe they just didn't care.

"The Westside isn't here," Zach said, and I nodded. I had fought a couple of the Westside fighters. I won but barely made it out with my life, each time. They fought hard and to the last second before dropping. They were called the Lions. They were the biggest, the most feared, and the strongest Gang out there. They made Damien's Gang look like a Daycare.

No one messed with them, no one wanted to. They had been here before any other crew decided to show up. Billy had told me once that when Damien was first starting out, he was backed by the Westside. It's partially why Damien's Gang grew so strong but not nearly as strong.

We got off the car and only a couple of people looked when we started making our way toward the door. The bouncer was the usual one so after Zach gave him the signal, he let us in.

Around the ring was the same as it was outside. Each side was separated by each gang. The Reapers on the Northside were here to watch Damien's downfall, and the Black Scorpions on the Eastside were here to support me while the Serpents on the Southside did the same for Damien.

I looked around at the Eastside of the ring, looking for Billy. He was looking around the crowd too until he saw me. He nodded his head toward the hallway, so I started making my way. I kept looking in the back of me every so often to make sure Zach was behind me. The sound of the bell ringing caught our attention. We stopped and looked at the ring.

"TODAY, WE HAVE THE DEVIL... AND THE KING!" The announcer said. People started cheering and chanting 'long live the King' I thought they were overdoing it but most of them were drunk, so it was understandable. I looked at my brother, and we rushed to Billy as the fight was going to start soon.

We stopped in the hall, and Billy grabbed my arm and opened a door. The fight was starting, and I stared in the face of the one person I had never wanted to hurt again. I never wanted this to happen.

As Billy opened the door, I fixed my hoodie and looked down. I looked up, only moving my eyes, and stared at Damien as he wrapped his hands. He stood as he saw me, glaring, all hatred showing.

"Took everything from me and now you want the room too? Too bad, it's preoccupied. Leave," Damien spat. I looked at Billy, and he was glaring at Damien.

"That's not what this is about, Damien," Billy said, shaking his head. "The leader of the Reapers is here, they want the King."

"They can have him after the fight," Damien said matter-of-factly and started wrapping his other hand.

"And why are you still wearing the hood? We know who you are, James," Ryder said as he got up from lying on the bench. I looked at Bennett and Max, and they were looking away from Ryder. I guess they kept my secret.

I looked at Billy, waiting for him to tell me what he was doing. He started signing, so I paid attention carefully. "Their leader knows James isn't the one under the hood. They started piecing together you being here, fighting, and James at school during football games or other events," Billy signed.

"What does this mean?" I asked. The Reapers knew. Billy's guys knew, and Max and Bennett knew. Who else was going to find out? Was James going to get hurt because of me?

"They have eyes on James, right now. They see you here and him there. They figured it out. Now they want you," He finished. I shook my head, not fully understanding.

"Why? Why me?" I asked.

"Is the fight going to happen?" Damien asked as he finished wrapping his hands, interrupting our conversation. I looked at Billy as he looked down at me and shook his head.

"Their leader always wanted a fighter like Kar... the King," Billy said and my heart dropped as he was going to call me by my middle name. "We just always told him no every time he asked. He threatened us now. Using the fact that we're on neutral ground. This is the closest he'd get, the perfect timing."

"To do what?" Bennett asked, furrowing his eyebrows and crossing his arms over his chest.

"To take the King," Billy stated.

"You mean kidnap," Max said angrily, shaking his head. He turned to Damien, and Damien looked at him. "No matter who's under that hood. No matter your hatred for him, you can't let that happen. He's just a kid, Damien."

Damien turned to me, and I saw the conflict in his eyes. He wanted to fight and win. He had wanted the title of being the only one who defeated the King. I saw that look in many fighters I had fought. They all wanted that privilege but neither of them got it. He was hoping he'd be the one who did.

"It's not James," Billy told Damien, and I looked at Billy. What was he doing?! My secret is not his to tell! He turned to me and spoke again. "You're my people. We taught you how to fight, and you'll always be one of us, but I won't lose people over this. Damien's people, my people. It's not worth it."

"So what do you suggest?" Max asked, crossing his arms, and looking intimidating.

"We'll offer protection," Damien spoke before anyone else could. There was a certain look in his eyes, but I couldn't figure out if it was him actually agreeing or if he was planning something. 

"Okay," Billy agreed but hesitated, knowing Damien had a proposition.

"On one condition," Damien started.

"What is it?" Zach asked, and Damien looked at me, crossing his arms.

"Take off the hoodie," Damien said coldly and viciously.

"That's the deal?" Zach clarified, wanting to know how everything was going to happen, and Damien nodded. "For protection?"

"If the King takes off the hoodie, we'll protect him. I wanna see it. Billy said it wasn't James, I wanna see who," Damien said. He looked at me, trying to see further behind the darkness that cascaded around my face but failed. I wouldn't get people killed over me. Billy was right, it wasn't worth it. "Deal?" He asked me, so I nodded.

"Good. Now, take off the hoodie."

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A/N: I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. Will she take off her hoodie or will there be a distraction that comes their way before she could? Find out in the next chapter!

What did you think of this chapter?

Who do you want her to speak to first, James or Damien?