It turned colder, almost impossibly.

It was as if the changing weather was a metaphor for my heart. You don't realize that what you're used to is wrong until you've experienced something different, something better. I felt like a drug addict, a taste of him and his light and warmth and hope had me trembling with longing and withdrawal. I should have been over it, accepted my place in the world and sold off what stolen goods I could and moved on.

I should have.

Sleep was elusive, but eventually I managed to drift off.

~

I woke in a warm, comfortable bed, the substantial weight of an arm around my middle. He chuckled behind me as I squirmed and shifted to shake away the cobwebs of sleep. I turned in his arms to face him, his hair a mussed mop of chaos and perfection, eyes still soft from sleep. He was smiling and I had no choice but to answer with my own.

"Good morning, gorgeous."

I blushed, a bit of a whine escaping as I nuzzled closer into him, face burying in the junction of his shoulder and chest. I could feel his laugh, his happiness, his warmth all around me and I never wanted to do anything but lay there and be in that moment forever.

"C'mon. Wake up." I felt his lips on my head, words spoken into my hair, fingers trailing over my spine in a lazy caress. "We can get breakfast."

"Don't wanna move."

"Come on, Mitchy."

I manage to look up at him again, but it's only for a fraction of a second as his lips meet mine and it isn't long before I'm very much awake.

When he pulled back just a bit, I stared openly, unashamed and completely captivated. "I love you."

His smile could light up all of New York City and will always be favorite thing in the world. "I love you too."

The happiness feels foreign, but it warms me from inside and I melt into the kiss he presses against my lips once again.

Warmth.

I need warmth.

...

The transition from dream to awareness was abrupt, my teeth chattering and body trembling. My coat and the two cheap blankets I'd managed to steal just weren't enough to chase away the bite of winter and the harsh truth that, despite my sleeping fantasies, I was still alone and cold and nothing.

Reality crashed into me and I slid myself back into a corner of the room, wrapping the blankets around me and curling myself into a tight ball. I couldn't stop my tears, or the trembling that only seemed to get worse as I realized that all I was, all I'd ever be and all I'd ever have was nothing. That was my life and I could try to fight it all I wanted, but the truth is the truth. Scott could try and say I was 'Someone' all he wanted to but the truth was that I could have died that night and no one would have cared. No one would have missed me, no one would have come searching... Nothing would change. The world would keep spinning and no one would be the wiser.

No. I wasn't someone... Not even close.

I couldn't fall asleep again after that, the cold was just too intense. The only warmth I had was the memory of his face, of my dreams and his beautiful words and smile. There was nothing to fill the emptiness so I just lay there, silent and alone, my tears making intermittent appearances throughout the night.

It was the longest and coldest night I'd ever suffered through, but I survived just like I always did.

The sun eventually rose, and with it began another day.

I tried to move, but everything just felt off, wrong. What was the point? There was no light at the end of the tunnel. I wasn't happy, I wasn't enjoying my life... so what was the point? What was the point of waking up to realize you'll have to fight to survive every.damn.day.

Maybe it wasn't as dire as I made it out to be, my skills made me far luckier than many street dwellers, but that didn't mean I felt any less hopeless.

I knew my mental state was teetering over an abyss, and I would never be able to focus on being a ghost when I was so unstable. I tried to reign it all in, to gather my errant thoughts and lock them away, but they were impossible, too quick, too stubborn, too wild like a herd of stallions. No. The exhaustion, the cold, the scratch in my throat and the building ache in my bones, it was too much and I was too weak to fight it... to fight him.

I needed to keep my hands in my pockets though I desperately needed to acquire more cover, something warmer. I couldn't risk it.

Still, I couldn't just sit there.

I began to wander, and of course I ended up back at the one place I should have been avoiding.

I should have gone anywhere else, used the day for something productive, but there I was, a doomed moth drawn to the light of flame.

My stomach grumbled angrily and before I could process it, I was standing in the entrance to the cafe, the sudden warmth shocking me into stillness until a shoulder collided sharply with mine, causing me to stumble out of my thoughts and into a chair from a nearby table. Normally I would have retaliated, even if it was simply lifting the assholes wallet or goods, but when the man shot me an angry look, I couldn't stand it and stared at my feet. I waited until at least one more customer entered before I dared to get in line.

When I recognized Malory's voice ahead of me, I couldn't help but look up. I needed something familiar, something kind in the void I'd found myself wandering, but her smile was gone. Though it wasn't directed at me, her quiet ire was still intimidating but once I realized the rude man who had barreled into me was in front of her, I couldn't help but smile... just a little.

"It was rejected." She deadpanned after the man swiped his card. The slight lift of eyebrow and the glint in her eye told me she had probably not processed it correctly

The man bellowed his disbelief, demanding she try it again, but after he slid it through for a second time, a shrug of shoulders and a canceled transaction was all he got. He held up the line as he tried to check his pockets for cash, but something about his suit and his posture told me he hadn't used anything but plastic in a very long time. He was still grumbling in displeasure as he exited the building and Malory sent me a quick wink and a smile while taking the next customers payment.

As I stepped forward she was already grabbing the large cup before I'd spoken a word. Her smile was back and I basked in her light while I could, trying to let the darkness fade for just a little while. I sniffled a bit, the warmth causing my nose to run. She immediately handed me a napkin and I took it gratefully.

I reached into my pocket again, wondering if I had enough to get at least something small to eat, but her voice interrupted me. "Sullivan... it's taken care of."

"Oh. Right. I was um... " I looked to the case full of wonderful looking cakes, pastries and sandwiches and she immediately understood. 

"Oh, go ahead. Trust me it's covered. Get whatever you want."

Stupid Scott and his stupid generosity. Of course his face flashed in my mind and I couldn't stop my smile before it lit up my face. There was no one behind me in line so I took my time making my decision and Malory decided the quiet pause would be a great time to give me the inside info on what food was good and what was less than palatable. My thoughts drifted, the warmth of her voice soothing me, but a bell rang out, a signal that the door had been opened, and my happy bubble burst. She had a job to do and I needed to get my shít together.

She finished getting my order and I moved to the waiting area.

Soon I was staring at the table, lost in thought as I devoured my sandwich in record time, the warmth of the coffee finally beginning to unfreeze my insides.

I tried not to think of Scott, but the memories didn't ask for permission before they began to replay. I'd only spent an hour, if that, with the man and yet he was all I could think about. What made him special? What made him different.

My cup had long since been empty when a body slid into the chair in front of me and a large cup placed on the table.

"It's tea, but you sounded like you probably need it. I think you're getting a cold." Malory slid the tea and a stack of napkins my way and I accepted them gratefully. I always hated handouts, but somehow I was still allowing Scott's money to be used for me and I just didn't know how to stop.

I wiped at my nose and looked at the girl across from me, unsure of what to say. "Thanks"

"He was so happy yesterday when I told him you came back. You should have seen his face."

I froze when comprehension caught up with her words. "You told him?"

"Well, he asked and I couldn't lie. Besides, you would have thought I told him I cured cancer or something the way his face lit up."

Stupid beautiful man. I couldn't do this to him. He didn't deserve me as a burden, no matter how much I wanted to cling to him. He was too giving, maybe too naive. I had to save him before he ended up being pulled down with me.

"This is the last time."

My words and the immediate sadness that followed seemed to upset the girl and she reached out to place her hand on mine. I didn't flinch, which surprised even me, but the gentle squeeze around my fingers still felt foreign. It was meant to comfort me, and to a certain degree it did, but it also added to the growing pile of things I couldn't grow attached to. Shadows don't have friends, they don't have families, they don't get comfort.

"No, no. Sullivan give him a chance, please? He's such a nice guy and he really likes you." 

I just shook my head. "That's why I can't come back." I turned my head and covered my mouth as a cough pushed up from my lungs, aggravating the soreness in my throat. "I'd only end up hurting him."

She sighed and shook her head, probably calling bullshít in her head, but she didn't say it out loud. "You need to rest. Go home and stay in bed and drink plenty of fluids. Get better and come back to me, ok?"

I shouldn't have been surprised that she hadn't realized my situation yet. I worked hard to keep myself looking mostly clean and groomed, keeping my coat zipped to hide the fact that I wore the same shirt as I'd worn the day before, but I'd been distracted and I wasn't nearly as neat as I would have liked.

Maybe that's what I should have been doing but instead I was feeling sorry for myself in a cafe full of memories, leeching off of the kindness of a friendly barista and a beautiful man.

No more.

I answered with a short nod. I had no idea what to say, but it wouldn't have mattered. Anything less than assurance that I would be back would have appeased her. I felt the tug again... the vacant space in my heart where family should be... making my entire body shiver with the immediate ache of it.

I quickly pulled on my gloves, gathered my tea and napkins and got to my feet. I buried another cough in my elbow.

"Take care of yourself, Sullivan. I'll see you soon. Feel better!"

It was tough to walk away without taking one last look at her beaming aura, but I needed to let go of foolish hope and temporary happiness.

I headed back to my shelter just as it began to snow. I wasn't sure how I would survive another night in bitter cold... or if I even wanted to.

I didn't know it then, but I wouldn't have to. Everything was about change...for worse or for better...