I've always taken care of myself. I've always had to. For as long as I can remember I've been on my own, wandering... surviving. I won't bore you with the details, just a brief overview. It's the typical sob story... dead parents, a carousel of homes and shitty fosters. One day I decided enough was enough and if no one wanted to take care of me then I would just have to do it myself.

It wasn't easy, life is shít sometimes, but I figured it out eventually. You learn by doing... that's just how things work. I learned if you don't have money you either eat trash, solicit, beg, or you die. None of those seemed appealing to me so I found an alternative route. Maybe it isn't the most glamorous existence, but it's not like I steal for fun. I try to be cognizant and observant. I only steal from those who appear to have more money than they need, mostly the douchebag businessmen who are too busy yapping into their bluetooth devices to have any care or consideration for those around them. I get that it's not a foolproof system, but I try.

I'm not a complete ɑsshole, but I'm well aware I'm not really worth anything to anyone, especially not Scott.

He's such a damn bleeding heart though... and I'm just too fücking weak to resist him.

That first night, as we sat across from one another in that tiny little cafe, he had such a sparkle in his eyes that I was mesmerized. It'd been such a long time since anyone cared to hold an actual conversation with me that it took me awhile to ease into it, but he coaxed it out of me and soon we were laughing and joking like we'd known each other forever.

But we hadn't.

I was brought back down to earth when he asked me a very simple question, one most people would have no problem answering. "Do you live around here?"

I didn't really have a problem answering it... I wasn't ashamed, at least I wasn't until that moment. "I live... here and there. Wherever."

"Like you travel for business?"

"No." I didn't elaborate just sipped on my coffee, trying to make it last. As much as I wanted to run as fast and as far as I could, I was drawn to him, to his warmth. I stared at my coffee cup, trying to avoid looking at him, but he was so quiet that I couldn't stop myself from looking up into his eyes. He looked to be a changing mixture of sad and concerned and I braced myself for the dismissal that would surely come.

"You're homeless aren't you."

He looked close to devastated. I hated that I'd stolen his smile. That once bright, shining beacon of happiness had disappeared and it was all my fault.

I shrugged, trying for nonchalance but coming off a bit more uncomfortable than I'd intended. "It's not as bad at it sounds."

He couldn't seem to comprehend my words and shook his head a bit. "You don't look homeless."

I couldn't stop the burst of laughter that escaped me. "Well, I don't look like a criminal either but here I am."

He just blinked at me, head tilting slightly as he studied me, letting all of the information I'd dumped on him sink in.

The longer I sat there the more I could feel the judgment... the disappointment radiating from him. It soaked into my skin and soon I was feeling the same about myself. I knew my quick escape from reality was over. The gorgeous man in front of me, that beautiful beam of light belonged to the worthy, the kings and queens of society. I belonged to the shadows... where I'd always been welcomed, the darkness a part of me I'd never be able to change. I didn't belong in his world.

"Thank you again for the coffee." I slid my chair back, shrugging on my coat as I did. He sat speechless, probably not knowing what to say. Those blue eyes followed every movement, but his lips stayed idle. "Goodnight, Scott." I grabbed my empty cup and headed to the trash bin before making my way back to the door. I was stopped by a hand on my arm.

"Sullivan."

I wanted to run... to escape his pity. I wanted to run back to my hideout and close my eyes and imagine that I was different, that I was worth being seen by those gorgeous eyes. I wanted to...

"Do you have somewhere to go?"

He was so fücking worried. His expression, his words screamed it. I wanted to rip my arm away and tell him where to stick his pity, but I couldn't bring myself to. "I've taken care of myself for years. I'll be fine."

"It's freezing out there. You can't just-"

"Look, I know you want to help, and I can tell you're a really good guy, but don't waste your compassion on me. Go back home and be happy. I'm no one. Don't let me steal your smile or any more of your time. I've already stolen enough."

I tried again to escape, but he was persistent. "Wait. Please?"

Those goddamn puppy dog eyes held me captive and I just waited for whatever words would bruise my heart even more.

"I have a guest room. It's not like anyone is using it and-"

"No." I forced the words out before I could cling to him like my arms so badly wanted to. Thankfully my mind, the dominant part of me, kept me on the right track. "I appreciate the offer but no. You don't need my brand of baggage to deal with."

"Please? Or.. can I get you a hotel room or something? You can't just stay out in this."

He was such a conundrum. I didn't understand why he wanted to help me so badly... but now I know that's just who he is. It's just his heart. At the time, I misunderstood it as him trying to clear his conscience.

"Don't waste your money on me. I promise I'll survive."

"Alright, fine...but did you eat? Can I get you dinner or something?"

I let out a sigh but took his hand in mine. "Go home, Scott. You don't know me and you don't owe me anything. Offer your kindness to someone who deserves it."

He wasn't appeased and as I went to turn away again he held on to my hand.

"Wait."

By this point, my mind was screaming to run. He shouldn't have spared me a second glance yet for some reason he just wanted to hold on to me and I couldn't come to terms with it. I opened my mouth to protest again, but he turned to the bags he'd sat on the table next to us and rummaged through them. I figured maybe he was checking that I didn't lift anything from him. I hadn't so I just stood there waiting. I wasn't expecting him to pull out a pair of gloves and offer them to me.

"Scott..."

"Please. If you won't let me help any other way, just please take these."

"You're not gonna let this go are you." It wasn't a question and the smile that returned to his face caused a matching one on my own. I added a mock roll of eyes as he pulled the price tag off and put them in my hands.

They were gorgeous, and on first glance I knew they were expensive. Then I saw the tag and immediately shook my head, trying to give them back. "Are you kidding me? These are Belstaff. There's no way I can accept these."

"Yes, you can. I want you to have them."

"Scott-"

"Sullivan..." He had a bit of sass to him and I couldn't help but snort.

"Why are you so determined to help me?"

"Because I know you're worth it, even if you don't think so. Besides, it's Christmas time. Santa's keeping watch, right? So really you'd be doing me a favor by accepting them."

I laughed and shook my head, trying to ignore the butterflies fluttering around in my chest.

"Consider them my Christmas present to you. Oh, will you watch my bags for a second?"

I didn't have time to utter a word as he turned to head towards the barista again and I began to question his sanity. He returned with another large cup of coffee and a napkin.

"You know you shouldn't leave your belongings with a thief for safe keeping."

He just smiled that megawatt smile at me again and I could have melted into a puddle right there on the floor of that coffee shop.

"I got you another coffee. Even if you don't drink it it will keep your hands warm at least for a little while. Also... I want you to have this." He passed me a napkin and it took me a moment to realize he'd written his full name, address and phone number on it.

"You also shouldn't give an established criminal your address." I laughed again and he rolled his eyes, but that smile never wavered.

"I know you don't have a phone but, if you ever need anything ... or change your mind about sleeping in a warm bed... don't be afraid to call me or stop by. Anytime."

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss those lips until I couldn't breathe. Instead, I took a step backward to remind myself of my place.

"Merry Christmas, Scott." I wanted to drop the napkin into the trash bin as I headed for the door. I wanted to get rid of it so I'd never be tempted to burden that wonderful human again, but he was watching me like a hawk. I folded it carefully, making a point to show him as I put it in my jeans pocket. I juggled the coffee as I put on the gloves, the warm wool lining giving me a reason to smile. It was hard to step out into the frigid cold again. I immediately missed the warmth of Scott's company, but I forced myself to move forward, lifting my collar and holding my coffee cup close to preserve the warmth.

My home for the night was in an abandoned hotel room that looked more like a scene from Chernobyl than a hotel, but it was easy to sneak in and out of without being seen and the instability of the building kept other squatters away for the most part. The items I'd taken earlier in the day were still where I'd stashed them, but the only thing I was interested in at that moment was a plush new blanket.

I curled up in the bed I'd put together and sipped my coffee as I imagined what Scott's life was like. It took a few sips before I realized what was written on the side of the cup.

'Someone.'

I don't like to admit that I cried, but something in that one word wounded me in a way I'm still trying to recover from.

That night I dreamt of the life I wish I could have had, a life of ugly Christmas sweaters, obnoxious carols and dinner parties, of decorations and puppies and mugs of hot chocolate while cuddled by a warm fire. I dreamed of stolen kisses, of whispered words and Christmas morning. I dreamed... of his beautiful smile and ringing laughter.... I dreamed of happiness...

I dreamed of him.

They were only dreams, but they were mine.

I really should have left him there...

I should have.