The silence between us was maddening. I kept hearing him sniffling, and though I wanted to chase away his tears, I knew there was nothing I could do or say to make him smile... not yet.

I was so exhausted, but my mind was wide awake, full of words and 'maybe's, 'could be's and 'what if's.  He'd said we'd talk about the kiss, and though he'd made it very clear he wanted me to stay with him, I couldn't help but be afraid. I knew rejection was coming, it's not like I could expect anything less, but I knew hearing the words, the confirmation that he didn't and would never really want me, would still find a way to wound me even further.

"How are your ribs?"

I turned to look at him, taking in the white of his knuckles as he gripped the steering wheel with both hands, eyes glued to the road before him. I swallowed a bit, trying to think before I spoke, but the truth was I didn't know the answer. "Ok, I guess." When you sleep on concrete and metal benches your entire body develops a constant ache. I assumed they were fine, at least, they didn't stick out in the mass of discomfort that was my body.

"You guess?"

"I'm alright."

His hands shifted on the wheel, his grip tightening.  I knew he didn't believe me but also didn't want to argue. 

The rest of the ride was spent in silence.

I stared out the window, anxiety creeping up on me as we neared our destination. I shrank into the warm leather seat, trying to calm my nerves, but by the time I finally had a grip on my thoughts, Scott was opening my door and helping me out of the car.

Looking up at his beautiful house, the word 'home' immediately pushed all other thoughts aside and I nearly crumpled to the ground under the weight of it.

I stood frozen, staring up at the building while my heart pounded in my chest. I wanted to run for the door, but my heart was still afraid of letting myself believe and then losing it all again.

Home?

He didn't push me, but a hand between my shoulder blades shook me out of my thoughts.

"Brace yourself. I'm sure Arty's going to be excited."

He'd dropped the volume of his voice, changed up his body language... I knew he was afraid I was going to run again and was doing his best not to spook me.

Moriarty.

One foot in front of the other... 

I finally made my way to the door, Scott's hand guiding me as if I would get lost in the few feet between the car and the house.

We'd barely closed the door behind us when the bundle of fur appeared from the hallway and headed straight for me. The dog nearly knocked me over, but Scott was there to steady me. I still ended up on my knees on the polished floor and Arty practically crawled in my lap as I rubbed him. I wrapped both arms around his neck, burying my face in his fur as an ocean of tears burst forth without warning. I couldn't have stopped them if I'd tried.  I cried tears of relief, of fear... I cried tears of happiness ... of hope.

It was ridiculous. It's not like I'd been there for all that long before I'd disappeared. I'd known Scott for just a few weeks. 

Those weeks were like lifetimes to me. They were the best memories I had & Scott and I... well, I wasn't sure what we were or how we'd become so intertwined in such a short time, but it didn't matter. No matter the why or the how, we were connected by some invisible force that continued to bring us together, no matter how much I tried to fight it.

"I told you we'd find him." If I hadn't known it was him I wouldn't have recognized Scott's voice. He was crying again as he knelt next to us to rub at Arty's head.

When my eyes met his I just started babbling, exhaustion and fatigue pushing out a thousand apologies and fears that all melded together without rhyme or reason.

"Shhh. It's ok. Mitch... it's ok. I promise. You're ok."

It's ok.

I'm ok.

Home...

~+~

It was late when I woke the next day. The last thing I remembered was Scott talking to me after my shower, but I must have fallen asleep mid conversation because I couldn't remember what we were even talking about. It was his face I saw when I opened my eyes again.

"I'm sorry to wake you. I know I probably should have let you sleep, but Berlin made lunch and she went a bit overboard when I told her you were back. You need to eat." He was perched on the edge of the bed next to me and Arty was still laid out on my other side, pressed close against me like a furry pillow. I wanted to stay right there in that moment for as long as possible, surrounded by the things that felt like safety, but the smell of food permeated the house and I was drawn out of my blanket cocoon. He hovered nearby as I pulled on the robe he'd handed me like he was afraid I was unstable and would fall at any moment, but I didn't argue about it. I liked his presence. It was a reminder that I wasn't dreaming and I was really back in the one place I never wanted to leave.

"Scott?"

"Yeah?" He was almost out the door but turned back to look at me. I was thankful that he looked more like himself than he had the night before in that little cafe. His hair was styled, the scruff on his face had been trimmed, and though he still looked tired, his eyes weren't puffy and red with the sadness that had nearly destroyed me.

I stared again...

I knew I shouldn't. He'd made it clear that my affections were unrequited, but God he was just so gorgeous ... and I couldn't stop myself. Still, my thoughts brought me back around to a topic that still terrified me.

There was a lot I needed to say, but I didn't know where to start. I was still tired, but I'd found some clarity and I knew the longer I waited to talk, the more I'd overthink and make a mess of things. I didn't want to be blindsided by this conversation, so I thought maybe I'd initiate it.

He seemed to understand my thoughts just by watching my face "After lunch. I promise, ok? We'll talk about everything."

I didn't want to wait. I wanted to pull off the bandaid.

He could sense my uneasiness and reached over to take my hand. "It's going to be fine. I just don't want lunch to get cold. Don't over think, ok?"

I forced a small smile and a nod as I followed him out to the dining room, trying to ignore the millions of insecurities still screaming in my mind. Arty was a good distraction and he matched me step for step, sticking close enough that I had to be careful not to bump into him. Berlin came hurrying around the corner and I was swept up into a tight hug and the promise of more food than I would be able to handle.

The conversation was swept aside, pushed to the back burner for a little while longer.

Scott kept watching me, engaging me in light conversation when he thought I was eating too fast... amusement and pity vying for dominance in his expression. It was him who kept me from overeating and making myself sick, but I still got my fill and I felt so much better for it.

We ended up on the couch, but it was strange seeing my little haven without the gorgeous tree and decorations. Scott had wanted to keep it up until after the New Year, and it was the first time I'd seen the room without it. Some of the warmth was gone, but the tree wasn't what made that room so special.

The fire was blazing in the fireplace and my favorite blanket was draped across the back of the couch, even though it didn't match the decor. Scott pulled it down and wrapped it around my shoulders before turning towards me. I tried to angle myself as well, but a large puppy head settled on my lap and I was stuck exactly where I was. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

If I could imagine what home should feel like... that was it.

"Before we start, I just want to say... you're not a prisoner here. You're allowed to leave whenever you want, but please don't ever run like that again. If you want to leave just promise you'll talk to me first. Promise you won't disappear like that again."

"I promise." I hadn't even processed the words before my answer came out. My heart was speaking for my brain and there was no stopping it.

His shoulders sagged just a bit with relief. I felt the guilt pressing down on mine.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you and I shouldn't have ran. I didn't want to go, I was just scared." I tried my best to look at his face, but I could only manage it for moments at a time and I alternated between staring at the edge of collarbone exposed by the stretched neckline of his sweatshirt and those perfect blue eyes.

He loosed a long and heavy sigh and took both of my hands in his. "I wasn't upset about the kiss-"

"-You were. I shouldn't have taken advantage like that-"

"No. Just listen, ok? Please?"

My thoughts were buzzing again, angry bees fighting for space in my head. I wanted to protest but I just whispered a small "ok" instead.

"I wanted that kiss. I'd imagined it so many times in so many different scenarios. You'd been so brave that night and you looked stunning in the fire light. Mitch, you don't realize the effect you have on me. I ran into a trash can the first time I saw you for God's sake. Of course I wanted that kiss."

".. but..."

He sighed again, running a thumb over the base of my forefinger. "... but I was scared that you realized how I felt and you were trying to repay me in the only way you knew how. You don't owe me anything and I don't want you to mistake gratitude for something more.  I don't want to confuse you or your feelings, no matter how much I want you. I never want you to feel like you have to give me something that you're not comfortable giving."

I just watched him, his words replaying over and over in my mind. Of course I'd known there had been initial interest, but I figured that was a distant memory when my situation had come to light. I'd let myself hope before and I'd ended up back in the cold. Could I be dreaming again?

He seemed to take my hesitation as rejection, and another quieter sigh slid between his lips.

"No matter what, you'll still be welcome here. Always. I meant it when I said I wanted to help you. You're an amazing man, and one day I'll get you to finally believe it. I never realized how empty this house felt until you were here to help fill it. Then you were gone and... "

There were the tears lining his eyes again. I was still in a strange sort of stasis and I didn't know what I wanted to do. What did his words mean? Was he saying he wanted to be with me or was he apologizing because he had wanted to but he thought it was a bad idea?

"I missed you so much.  I looked everywhere I could think, called every shelter.  I was so fucking worried.  I just- ...   I don't want to scare you or overwhelm you or confuse you any more than I already have, but I care about you. A lot. If just friends is all you want us to be, then I'll accept that.  I wanted to make that clear but I'm probably not making much sense again."

"I wasn't."

His brow furrowed, one eyebrow raising in confusion. "What?"

"I wasn't trying to repay you. I wasn't confusing my feelings." I displaced Arty, much to his chagrin and shifted around until I could look at Scott properly. I knew that the time to speak up was that moment.   "I've had feelings for you since I first saw you. It's why I accepted your first invitation for coffee, it's why I couldn't throw away that napkin with your information on it. It's why I always stare at you like you're the fücking sun. I know I don't deserve to be anywhere near you-"

"Mitch-"

I held up a hand. "-No. My turn. If I don't say it now I don't think I'll ever be brave enough to say it later."

He frowned a little but kept quiet.

"You're the most amazing man I've ever met, and I could see that in your eyes before I even knew your name. I don't always understand you, I mean you have like zero self-preservation skills, and you're just too nice for your own good sometimes, and you always see the best in people, even when they don't see it themselves. You've given me so much, and I'm not talking about the money or the gifts or even the bed to sleep in... I -" The words caught in my throat, so many emotions and not enough words. How could I voice just how much he meant to me? How would I find a way to express the hope and safety, the sense of purpose he'd given me?

He'd shown me kindness and companionship, compassion and friendship. He'd given me a reason to keep going, something, no... someone to care about. He'd given me a reason to survive.

How could I tell him that he saved my life? He saved me from myself.

"I'm scared. I'm scared of messing everything up. I'm scared of holding you back from something or someone that is more worthy than me. I'm scared of hurting you... because you're-" my voice cracked and the tears fell. "I don't know how to say it. I'm sorry. I'm not good at explaining or sharing my feelings or ... with words at all."

"It's ok. I'm even worse." He laughed and sniffled through his own tears and squeezed my hands.  "We'll figure it out, ok?  You and me. We'll figure it out together." 

I leaned into his chest as moved closer and pulled me over into his arms. I closed my eyes letting the mingling smell of his shampoo and his cologne chase away the worry and the fear and the insecurities. I felt the cushion dip a bit as Arty crawled closer to press against my side. I couldn't help but smile.

I knew he deserved more than me. I knew he deserved so many things that I would never be able to give him. 

I also knew what he'd meant when he'd asked me to come home.

That moment, wrapped in his arms... sandwiched between the only important things in my life, I'd found my way home. 

THE END

will there be an epilogue, you ask!? 

maybe.