The darkness seemed infinite.

The night stretched on and on, a starless sky pressing in from all sides.

I cried for hours. I cried until my eyes ached and I was left hollow. I wasn't as familiar with the area and finding shelter in the biting cold and snow was almost impossible. I ducked into an alley, huddling next to a dumpster to keep some of the wind at bay. I managed to find a couple of broken down boxes nearby to give me something dry to sit on, and I curled in on myself, letting my thoughts sink to the lows I'd fallen to.

Every inhale brought stinging, frozen air along with it, and I was too despondent to try and use my scarf to block it.

My last chance...

My ONLY chance... gone. I'd ruined it all.

Lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice. Miracles don't get repeated.

I'd been gifted with an opportunity and I'd lost it in a single moment of weakness.

I wanted to scream, the sound building in my throat until I forcibly pushed it back down again.

It was such a stupid mistake. What had I been thinking? To even entertain the idea that a man like Scott, beautiful and stupidly kind, could ever want a nothing like me. 

I'm no one.

I'd let myself forget, lost in the dream of it all. The dream, my last hope, Scott... It was all gone.

The thought of never seeing his face again squeezed what was left of my heart until I was reduced to a sobbing, shivering mess once again.

I'd never see that smile, or hear his laugh, or watch those beautiful eyes light up in happiness... I'd never feel the safety of his arms around me, or breathe in the woodsy scent of his skin and cologne... I'd never again wake to a face full of Arty's warm fur.

Never again.

I tried to hug myself, to shield from the cold but also provide some kind of comfort, but nothing helped. There was no light at the end of this tunnel. I knew the pit I'd fallen back into, and I wasn't ready to go back. I NEVER wanted to go back into the dark, but there I was.

This time...this time  I knew I deserved it. This ending was all my doing.

He'd given me so much. He'd taken care of me, wasted so much of his money on me. He'd welcomed me into his home... trusting me like no one ever had against all reason... and all I'd done in return was ruin everything. I'd violated that trust, violated HIM by forcing myself on him. I deserved the hell I was banished to.

I deserved the agony in my heart... the agony of loss.

I deserved it.

It was a long time before I found the strength to stand, and even longer before I could find a half decent place to hide out. I wandered for days, too distracted to think about stealing anything. My stomach and body ached from hunger and fatigue, my mind lost to despair. I scraped up snow with my hands, letting it melt in my mouth when I couldn't find a place that would give free water, or a water fountain.

I was a disaster.

I missed him. I longed for him every waking moment of every single day. I couldn't even find the will to care if I faded away. Anything was better than that feeling of hopelessness that followed me, hovered over me like my own personal black cloud. Anything was better than missing him.

One week passed and I was nearing desperation.

I'd tried to get back into my old routine, but every time I was about to lift something, Scott's face flashed in my mind.. and I couldn't bring myself to go through with it.

I tried to get past it, but even with weak limbs and an empty, aching belly, I couldn't do it. I'd made a promise to myself that I would change, that I could be better... and even if it meant starving to death, I wouldn't break my promise.

Something else had to be done. I had to think of something.

~

"Please, Trip. You know I'm good for it."

I wasn't, but he didn't know that. I'd be long gone before he realized.

"No. You know that's not how it works. You bring me something to work with then you get money. That's how it works."

Trip had been my last chance. I'd run out of options.  Something had to give.

"What about that expensive looking scarf you've got on, hmm?" 

"I need it."

"Fine.  How about those fancy gloves you're wearing. I'll give you 10 bucks for em."

My heart nearly stopped.

I needed that money. I needed it to survive...

... but of course I hesitated. Still... I didn't have much choice.

My chest ached as I slowly began to tug one off, visions of an identical pair being ripped from my hands swimming behind my eyes.

"They're just gloves." I whispered to myself... voice broken and uneven. I paused again, holding the single glove in my fist while I tried to convince myself that this had to be done. I didn't even realize I was crying until a tear fell onto the fabric in my hand.

"C'mon. How about 15?"

I knew I had to do it. I knew that it was the only way, but it felt like I was losing Scott all over again. 

I stood frozen, unable to move forward or backwards. I had to make a decision.

"Fine. 20... final offer."

He knew what they were. He wouldn't have raised his offer if he hadn't. They were worth far more, but I was desperate. The problem ... was that I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him go. The few threads of Scott I had left... I couldn't sever them. 

The memories of him were all that kept me going. Every blonde man, every large dog... every advertisement or billboard that reminded me of a movie we'd seen... sent me tumbling.

I was drowning in guilt and regret, but still I couldn't let go. Not yet.

So I left, pulling my glove back on and hugging myself as I braved the bitter cold and wind once again.

I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a shop window and winced. I'd been trying to keep myself presentable, using napkins and paper towels in restaurant bathrooms to try and clean as much as I could, but I knew that even the designer clothing I was wearing wouldn't fool anyone anymore.

Thankfully, I stumbled across a restaurant whose trash had a lot of styrofoam containers with leftovers  inside. I wasn't proud of it, but it was better than nothing and kept me going for a few more days.

One week blurred into two and my mind was fracturing.  I was barely making it through,

I swallowed my pride and tried a couple of shelters, but they were all full. I frequented the bus station, loitering to keep warm for as long as possible, but it wasn't safe to linger for too long, and it didn't take long for security to realize what I was doing and put an end to that.

I was starving, not only for food... but for human contact. Scott had ruined me, spoiled me with kindness and hugs and comfort. I had spent years building up my armor, learning and fighting to survive without thinking twice. He'd undone years of honed survival instincts in but a few short weeks.

I needed something. 

 I needed kindness.

...

....

I fought the decision, my own internal war of pros and cons, but though my cons outweighed the pros, I still found myself pushing open the door to the cafe, the bell on the door signaling my arrival. It was late and the shop was nearly deserted, but the face I'd been hoping to see was there smiling at me from behind the counter.

I only made it two steps forward before the tears came. I heard her say something to someone before she rounded the counter and had me wrapped up in her arms like we were the oldest of friends.

I clung to her, fingers digging into the fabric at the back of her shirt as I cried.  "Malory." I squeaked out, trying to find words as she rubbed a steady rhythm down my back.

"It's ok. You're ok. Come on. Let's sit down, hon."

She led me over to a table to sit and knelt in front of me. "Black coffee? No... tea..and water. I'll get you a sandwich too, okay?"

I shook my head, sniffling as she took my hands in hers. "I don't have any money."

"It's on the house this time."

She gave me that smile that could melt straight through ice, and again I was reminded of him. As she move to pull her hands away, I held on tight. "Please don't tell him."

Her smile fell, worry creasing her brow. "Mitch..."

"Please. You can't tell him. Promise?"

She didn't look pleased with my request, but eventually she nodded. "Alright. I won't."

"Promise."

She hesitated again, setting her jaw. "Promise."