"It's perfect."

Scott was beaming as I tugged at the hem of the ridiculously soft, snow white sweater. This had to be at least outfit #20 and I could have cared less if I was wearing a trash bag if I could just stop changing clothes. I was tired, and Scott's high energy was fueling my anxiety over the entire thing.

"I like it." As soon as my doctor's appointment was over, I had been whisked away on a search for the 'perfect outfit'. I'd since been drowning in a sea of vicuña wool and cashmere ever since. There was quite a bit of arguing over him buying me more things, but it turned out there was a dress code for this event and I knew Scott just wanted to do everything he could to keep me from embarrassing him in front of his friends.

"You look amazing. Now we just need to find you the perfect shoes and coat and maybe a scarf and we'll be golden."

I forced a smile before I made my way back into the dressing room to take off the layers of designer clothing. I just wanted to crawl back into my perfect bed and cuddle with Arty or huddle up on the couch with Scott and the giant beast and watch something on Netflix while Scott talked over every other scene.

It wasn't that I didn't enjoy the attention, and playing dress up was okay the first couple of times, but the truth was, I just really didn't want to go to the party. You would think that as a person who had spent the majority of their life being unwanted, that I'd have been used to it, but there were higher stakes on this party than I'd initially admitted to myself. Scott had gone out on a limb to argue and risk angering his best friend to get me a place on the guest list. It was crystal clear what she thought of me, and she had good reason to feel that way. But if I messed up in front of her or any of his other friends... it would hurt him and I couldn't do that. He'd already given me so much, I could deal with being nervous and uncomfortable for one day... for him.

I was thankful when I had time to nap for a couple of hours after the shopping blitz, but it felt like no time had passed when Scott woke me to start getting ready. I had never heard of hairstylists making house calls, but I found myself in Scott's gigantic bathroom as a gorgeous man cut & styled my hair and  groomed my eyebrows.

Scott was beautiful in his beige sweater and white pants, looking more like a model on a billboard than the business man I knew him to be. I barely even recognized my own reflection next to his as I looked in the bathroom mirror.

"You look amazing." He slid a hand to squeeze my shoulder, the tip of one finger sliding just past the edge of my collar to rest against skin. I smiled at his reflection, unsure of what to say.  I'd been aware that something was changing between us, but I wasn't sure if it was just a change in my own feelings or if the shift could be felt by the man at my side as well.  

It was hard to decipher when my emotions were so muddled.

I suppose I should have felt safer than ever. I had a place to stay for as long as I wanted. We had a plan, steps to help me gain some independence, and yet... I felt like the world was spinning out of control beneath my feet.  My own thoughts my own worst enemy.

"Hey.." His voice softened as he turned me by the shoulders to face him. He was learning to see through any act I tried to put on for him, and it left me increasingly vulnerable. "If you really don't want to go, we don't have to."

"No, no.. it's fine. I'm just nervous." I had no idea what would happen when faced with his friends. I had to accept that they would almost certainly not approve of me or Scott's choice to associate with me. Maybe one or all of them would finally manage to convince him he was making a mistake by letting me anywhere near him. It's not as if I would have been able to argue that point, not when my own heart still believed the same, no matter how much I wanted to deny it.

"Don't be. It's going to be great and if it isn't, we're out of there the moment you're uncomfortable. I promise."

It was so hard not to stare when he was practically glowing in the bright lights of the bathroom, and for a few moments, I was unable to force my eyes away. I finally took a deep breath, steeling myself for the trials to come. "I know. I just don't want to make things more difficult for you than I already have."

"You haven't made anything difficult. Being friends with you is one of the easiest things I've ever done."

I wouldn't have called it easy, but fighting my own fears and instincts never could be. I knew it was different for him, and the words sent a wave of warmth through me. I couldn't stop the smile that slowly lifted my lips.

"Alright. I'm ready."

"C'mon. We're already running late."

I followed him out of the bathroom and down the stairs, trying to calm my nerves as he helped me into my gorgeous new coat.

I walked over to Arty who was laid out on the couch and kissed the top of his head and rubbed at his chin.

"Pray for me, buddy."

He just laid his chin back down on the couch.

I tried to remind myself that I had survived so much worse.

I could survive this too.

~~

I'd assured him that I was fine about 20 times on the ride over, but I just wasn't quite prepared for the grandeur of the building or the silver, white and gold decorations that covered every inch of the huge space. The loud music, the number of people milling about in tight, revealing dresses...   the feather boas and glittery top hats...  it was a lot to take in.

I had imagined something a bit less ... lively.  I'd expected it to be ostentatious, but I'd imagined a dozen or so rich people standing around and quietly sipping champagne.

I was definitely mistaken.

I was out of my element, overstimulated and beyond anxious, but Scott kept his hand on my lower back, keeping me grounded as he led the way through the room, greeting dozens of people in various states of inebriation along the way.  I didn't know where to look or what to say, but I tried my best to be polite for Scott's sake.

Waiters in white tuxedos navigated the room with trays of wine and champagne, and though I desperately wanted something to distract me, I thought better of it. The last thing I needed was to get drunk and make a fool of myself in front of all of Scott's friends.

I regretted my responsibility the moment I was faced with Kirstin. She was just as beautiful as the pictures I'd seen scattered around Scott's house, with long blonde hair, tanned skin and large brown eyes framed with long, probably fake, lashes and an excess of gold and silver glitter. She cut a stunning vision in her gold draped dress and thigh high black boots. My chest tightened, every muscle tense and alert. 

Her face lit up with a large smile as she spotted the man at my side and he leaned down to accept the hug she immediately threw around his neck. "You made it!"

"Kirstie, this is Mitch... Mitchy this is my best friend Kirstie." I gave the warmest smile I could muster, but her entire demeanor shifted, that welcoming happiness suddenly replaced with a forced smile to try and cover the distaste and disapproval narrowing her eyes and setting her jaw.  

"It's nice to meet you." Her words were empty, and Scott moved an arm around my back in response to them. I could see him giving her a look, but she ignored him and instead decided to distract instead. "Come on, Jeremy's with the others."

The others turned out to be quite a large group all around Scott's age or a little older. Every single one of them was unfairly attractive. I was quiet during most of the introductions, trying to reprogram my brain to memorize their names instead of taking inventory of what and who would be easiest to pickpocket. I could tell that none of them really knew what to make of me, but no one said anything about it. Scott gave multiple attempts to include me in the conversation, but I could barely even keep up with what they were talking about. They'd all clearly known each other for an extended period of time, and it was tough to jump into that, especially when 90% of those involved were already quite drunk. Still, Scott kept a hand on me at all times, periodically making sure I was okay before returning his focus to his friends. The time passed and everything was going just fine until a question, innocent in its intention, was directed my way.

"So, Mitch... what do you do? Do you work with Scott?" The bearded man, whose name escaped me, was obviously trying to include me, but that didn't mean I had an answer for him.

I shrank a little, but of course, Scott was there to rescue me.

"He's between jobs right now.' I ignored the little snort that was barely audible from Kirstie, no one else seemed to notice anyway. "I'm just helping him get back on his feet."

"Oh, sorry man. If you need anything let me know. Not that you don't have one of the best references in the city already on your arm, but y'know."

"Thanks, Avi." 

I just gave the man a genuine smile in thanks after Scott voiced his own.

After that, everything went smoothly, with the exception of the constant scrutiny of Scott's best friend and her fiancé, but before too long she was called away for hostess duties, and Scott was taking me through the rounds again. Mingling was exhausting, but watching Scott's smile as he introduced me each time was worth a million handshakes and awkward moments.

~~~~

I've always hated the cold.

Though I was bundled in my warm new coat and scarf and, of course, my gloves, the chill still slipped deep into my bones.

The party had been moved to an outside patio with fairy lights and fire pits... the music from inside streaming out through scattered speakers, almost clashing with the faint bass of music from another nearby party. Everyone was huddled in groups, laughing and raising champagne flutes and glasses of brightly colored liquor.

I tried not to, but I naturally gravitated into his side, drawn as always to the warmth and safety that was the epitome of Scott.

He just sent me a smile and a quick look before returning to his conversation. I let myself drift away into my thoughts while he dazzled and charmed as he had the entire night. I was so lost in daydream that I didn't even realize that the group he'd been speaking with had all dispersed until he angled himself toward me and slid a hand over my back. "It's almost midnight. You doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I-"

I was interrupted by a waiter coming by again with champagne for the big moment. Scott took the offered glasses and thanked the young man as he went on his way. "For the toast."

I could feel the anticipation charging the air and increasing the volume of the voices and laughter. There was a big screen with the time projected on it and the moment it hit 11:59 everyone was at attention.

I twisted the stem of the glass between my gloved fingers as I waited for the countdown.

"Here's to a new year and new beginnings." He held up his glass to mine and I couldn't help but smile at his words. 

"Here's to hope and... " I was afraid to say it, afraid that voicing it would somehow make it all come crashing down. ".. happiness."

10...9...8...

Those blue eyes met mine and that lift of his lips stole my heart all over again.

7..6...5...

"To happiness," he repeated.

4...3...

The world melted away in that moment. Nothing else existed but me and him.

2... 1...

I couldn't stop myself. The collective energy surrounding us, the light from the flickering fires reflected in his eyes..    Every smile, every touch... every moment of kindness... it had all built up inside of me until there was nothing to do but give in to the constant urge that had been plaguing me since I laid eyes on him.

I lifted to my toes as the fireworks lit the sky and pressed my lips to his. The fingers of my free hand sliding to the back of his neck, a delicate dance of pulling him closer and holding my balance. I didn't remain for too long, fear eventually taking over and sending me crashing back to Earth.  As I opened my eyes, pulling away and praying that I hadn't just made a mistake, regret moved like shockwaves through my system as I noticed the crease of his forehead and the frown on his lips.

"Mitch..-"

I could barely hear him over the sound of cheering and the explosives overhead, but mostly over the sound of my pounding heart. I'd ruined everything. "Oh, God. I'm so sorry."

The glass between my fingers slid from my grip as I backed away, almost falling over a chair behind me to avoid the hand he reached towards me.

"No....I don't-" 

I wasn't going to wait for more of his words or for his disgust to show on his face. I couldn't.

I bolted. It was the only thing I could do, sliding between bodies and obstacles as only a shadow can. I heard him call my name more than once, but I never looked back. 

 I ran until I was free of the noise and laughter.

I ran until only the residual lights from the fireworks in the distance were the only thing to break the darkness.

I ran until my body screamed and my heart cried out.

I should have known better.

To happiness... for him.