"Oh nonononono! You don't understand!"

Bob held off an expected attack with defensive palms and accidentally touched one of DeeDee's own.

"Don't touch me!" she warned him.

"DeeDee, I know this looks awful, but your sister doesn't love me."

"Oh PLEASE!"

"She's in love with Rodney!"

"That's no excuse!"

"You can't even deny it!"

"I don't believe this!" DeeDee said trying to exit. The heel of her foot got stuck in the sleigh's door gap causing her to slip down in an awkward split.

"It doesn't matter because we're not really engaged!"

"What??"

"It's fake. It's an act! God that feels so good to say!"

"Bob. What is this? What are you saying?"

He climbed down after her. "I'm an actor. I'm not a bunion or bug inspector. I used to work here. Your sister said your parents wouldn't let her marry Rodney because he was broke and she wanted to teach them a lesson by replacing him with me. I love pets and kids! My brothers and I get along great!"

"You've been watching too many of those cheesy Christmas movies on that channel."

"It's exactly what it sounds like, I know. Except your sister and I are, like – " Here, Bob gestured wildly with every hand signal he knew that meant the word nothing. "Not a thing."

"So the chauvinism and the slide show and feeding the goats peppers - all part of an act?"

"To piss your parents off. YES!"

Her eyes narrowed as she crossed her arms.

"Did you really almost get shot?"

"Good question. Also YES."

"This is insane."

"This holiday hasn't been easy, but lying to you has been the worst part."

DeeDee's eyes swirled in thought. Her mouth made a small O on the verge of asking any number of questions. It softened, relaxing, hanging open as not to commit to a frown.

"She hired you as a 'be careful what you wish for'?" A reluctant laugh in appreciation for being good and snookered tumbled forward. "That brilliant, shady little rat."

"Right?" Bob nearly exploded with gratitude for her getting it.

"Oh my God! I mean it's a lot, but... it's ingenious! We're talking a master stroke in con-artistry."

"Well, I'd like to think I deserve most of the – "

"Why wouldn't she tell me?"

"She said you couldn't keep a secret from your mother."

"That's not true. And neither can she!"

"She kept this one though."

"Aggh! Your mother! And the ants! So many ants! Bravo sir!" she applauded him.

"Just so you know, the kiss wasn't part of it."

"I forgot about the kiss. I mean, I didn't forget, but I really couldn't enjoy it."

Her cheeks flushed a bit and she shook her head to erase what she'd said. Bob took it as a good sign and wanted to click his heels. "Now let's go find that sister of mine. She is so dead!"

"Uh. Wait."

"Wait?"

"Look, the reason I agreed to this crazy job is because Natasha said she'd get me a role in one of Steve's shows, but that only happens if the secret stays a secret."

"For how long? Until Christmas is over?"

"Until your parents agree to let her marry Rodney. However long that takes. I'd really appreciate it if you'd pretend you didn't know."

"Pretend I don't know? Not tell her about the kiss you mean?"

"Especially that. We haven't worked out our exit strategy yet."

"Ah-huh." DeeDee's eyes sharpened again. She strode to the exit past him. "Natasha!"

"Ugh, no. Wait! I know that sounded wrong!"

"NATASHA!!!"

Natasha met them in the train's ticket area with one arm in the sleeve of her winter coat. "Don't yell at me like I'm late. I've been waiting for you," she said.

"Natasha," DeeDee said, "Bob has just told me that you and he are not engaged. That he is, in fact, an actor you hired to freak mom and dad out so they'll let you marry Rodney."

"What? When?"

"Just now. After he kissed me."

Natasha couldn't very well drag her finger across her throat to indicate that Bob was dead, but he could tell by her slivered stare that's what she was thinking.

"It just happened," Bob sighed. "I had to tell her."

"Tell her this ridiculous story?!?" Natasha balked animatedly. "I know work's been stressful and this holiday's been intense, but you're just upset because you don't think my parents like you."

"Natasha, I don't see the problem," Bob said, his strained voice raising an octave as he thrust his upturned hands in DeeDee's direction.

"The problem," DeeDee huffed, "is that you're engaged to her and you kissed me!"

"One innocent little peck between in-laws isn't such a huge deal," Natasha said breezily.

"It was on the lips!" DeeDee said. "And he meant it!"

"It's true," Bob said, looking DeeDee squarely in the eyes. He had no intension of ruining whatever chance he had with her and so turned back to Natasha determined to clear his name.

Natasha stopped him with a desperate, pleading look in her eyes he had never seen before. "Bob, I'm begging you to please think carefully about what you're going to say."

He didn't care what the consequences of outing their secret would be for him, but now he had to consider what his choice would mean for Natasha. It seemed impossible that DeeDee wouldn't be on her sister's side and protect the charade until it was done, but Natasha looked frightened. It shook his conscience, so much so that he couldn't bring himself to put the last nail in the coffin of their deal. Either way he was betraying somebody.

This is how I end my run.

He sighed bitterly. "Who'd believe it anyway? I have been stressed. I don't know what came over me."

"For a podiatrist, you sure don't know much about cold feet," Natasha laughed nervously.

"Are you kidding me? Natasha!" DeeDee protested.

"DeeDee, please. He's not off the hook. We'll go home tonight and discuss it."

"You should come home with me. We need to discuss it!"

"DeeDee, that's enough. Stuff like this happens. I said I'd deal with it."

"I don't even know who you are," DeeDee said. She looked like she might cry as silent outrage engulfed her burning face. She shook her lowered head and walked wordlessly to the room's doors.

"DeeDee?" Natasha said. "Please don't tell mom and dad."

DeeDee kept walking even as Natasha reminded her she loved her.

"She's not going to hate you for this?" Bob asked.

"Leave her to me. Let's talk about you. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't. We just get along, you know? And after that run-in with her ex last night – "

"What ex?"

"The married one." Bob groaned inwardly for letting the detail slip.

"Married?! The doctor?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"You met him?"

"He was at the hospital."

"Is she okay? Did she seem upset?"

"She was a little shocked at first, but they went and had a talk. She seemed okay after. Resolved."

"So you thought you had a shot?"

"I didn't plan it. I just really like her."

"You'll get over it."

"Do I have to?"

"Bob, why all of a sudden do you have no idea how this works?"

"If she tells your parents this, what are the chances they won't see through it anyway?"

"No, no, it still works," Natasha said, thinking. "We needed an out and now we have one. If you'd kissed her and tried to cover it and I dumped you, that still wouldn't get me Rodney, but if I defend you and refuse to call off the engagement they'll have to convince me. Or force me and entice me with something better. This is pretty great, actually."

"And when will you tell them you proved your point?"

"I may never tell them now. I don't know if I can."

"What about DeeDee?" Bob asked incredulously.

"I don't know yet."

"What about Steve Wurtz?"

"I don't have to tell Steve to make good on my end of the bargain. He'd give you a role just as a favour to me, especially now that he's seen you have talent. Don't worry, our split will be amicable enough."

"Listen, if you think he's not going to find out...I mean, he's going to see my resume."

"Fine. If he does, he'll think it's hilarious anyway. But it'll have to wait until Rodney's in."

"That goddamn fine print," Bob muttered to himself.

"Don't be upset with me Bob. Haven't you ever wanted something so badly that you'd do absolutely anything to get it?"

"Absolutely anything? No. Anything that comes with a price tag this big should either be yours for free or not at all. Well, whatever. It's your life and my part's done so, I wish you the very best of luck."

"Whoa. You're not done yet. I need you tomorrow. You're coming over for Christmas dinner."

"Please don't make me." It was Bob's turn to beg.

"The very last thing, I promise. If you do, I'll tell DeeDee the truth."

"You will?"

"Just as soon as my parents let me have Rodney."

"The very last thing, huh? You're not wrong about that," Bob said.

*****

It was a long silent taxi ride back to the Loy home the next day, if you didn't count Natasha's phone call with Rodney as Bob resentfully ran through scenarios in his mind of how he would play this last dinner scene. He banked on Natasha doing most of the talking, dreading making DeeDee hate him anymore than she already thought she did. If Gwyn Sticks was actually right about that asteroid why couldn't hit the earth now? Because Bob wanted it to, that's why. He sighed a breath to fog up the taxi's back window and drew a frown on it.

Since they had brought all their presents with them that first night, there was nothing to make Natasha carry up the steps to the front door. Natasha took a deep excited breath, looking at Bob as though he would share her enthusiasm, and opened the front door.

Alvin Loy stood in the entrance.

"Merry Christmas, Daddy!" Natasha said, kissing his cheek.

"Sweetie, you go inside. I want to talk to Bob about something."

"Okay," she said with an affected innocent curiosity. She squeezed past her father with a look back at Bob, the same expression of excitement doubled.

Alvin let a tense few seconds pass, breathing heavily but steadily creating a slight whistling sound from his nose that could be heard in the dreadful silence.

"Merry Christmas, Al!" Bob said cheerfully, going for broke.

Alvin slammed the door in his face.

"Oh, thank God," Bob whispered, relieved.

Fortunately, the taxi driver who had dropped them off had been distracted by his phone and hadn't left yet.

Bob jumped back in.

"Can you take me back downtown?"

"Sure. Lucky for you, I waited, eh? Busy day today."

"Yeah. Lucky for me, my friend was right about her sister not being able to keep a secret."