{Cary}

Cary had a crap sleep and not enough of it. He woke up early, too stiff and aching to fall back asleep. He made himself get up; if he moved around he might feel better. He went to the showers. It was so early no one else was up and the hot water went on and on, beating on his skin until he could have tipped against the tile and passed out from bliss.

One of the staff was in the common area, tidying up when Cary came in looking for a place to draw until breakfast. She flashed him a smile.

"Happy Easter. There's Easter eggs in the basket for everyone."

It was Sunday—Easter Sunday. Cary's face lifted in what was almost a smile back. He peeled the foil off a candy egg and went back to his room with the taste of chocolate in his mouth. He was going to see his mother today.

He had changed from his jacket into a clean sweater from his backpack when Leonard rolled over and rubbed his eyes. Cary frowned, wishing he had another pair of pants besides his green army cargos. He took his cash and his smokes out of his jacket and put them in his pants pockets.

"Where are you going?" Leonard asked.

"My mom's church service," Cary said.

Leonard sat up. "Can I come? I like church."

Cary hesitated, looking at him. Probably he would only see his mom for a minute and it wouldn't matter if Leonard was there. Jon White had taught him that it felt good to have a friend at your back. "Do you have something nice to wear?"

"Oh yeah, I do." Leonard jumped out of bed and rummaged through his locker. He held up a wrinkled button-down shirt and a string tie. "How's this?"

"Huh." Cary couldn't help laughing. "Yeah, okay."

Leonard did a little dance of joy between the bunks. He put the shirt on over the T-shirt he'd worn to bed, the one with pictures from the latest teen vampire movie. Cary had to re-do his buttons so they lined up over the preternaturally pale, pouting faces on the front. Leonard jiggled with impatience.

"You're worse than Jon's kid sisters." Cary muttered.

They were the only ones in the dining room for breakfast before wake up call. Leonard's excitement to have an outing was infectious. Cary could barely eat; his stomach was turning nervous flips. He hoped his mother had Liam with her. He wanted to look in his brother's face and know he was alright—that his little body mended too.

They got bus tickets for the short ride across old downtown. They were an hour too early for his mother's service and took a park bench to wait. Leonard jiggled for twenty minutes before he sagged against Cary's shoulder, exhausted.

"I'm just gonna sleep a minute, 'kay?" he mumbled.

Cary sat still, his eyes on the road his mother would drive up while Leonard drooled on his shoulder. He found words running in his head, over and over. Let them be okay. Let them be better now. Please Jesus. He didn't know where that left him and it hurt a lot, but maybe he could move through that pain if they were happy.

Her car didn't come. Couples and families in their Easter best went up the steps into the church, and Leonard sat up smacking his lips.

"Is it time? Cary, let's go in!"

Cary caught him back. "Wait."

She was there, coming up the street with her hair tucked under an elegant white hat, her lavender dress swinging as she walked. His father was beside her, Liam's car seat hefted on one thick arm.

"There she is!" Leonard shouted. Cary was too frozen to tell him to shut up. Leonard caught a look at his face and drew back next to Cary. "Is that your dad?" he asked in a small voice. 

Conall had his hand on the small of her back as they climbed the steps together, heads bowed. Cary couldn't tear his eyes away from his father going with his mother into a church. It was as impossible as the dead walking.

Down Low searched his face. He had taken one of Cary's hands without either of them noticing. "Are we still going to go in?"

"No." Cary's answer sounded scraped.

"Are you afraid?"

Cary got to his feet, wiping his sweating hands on his sweater. "Let's go."

Cary walked so fast to the bus stop that his breath stabbed him. Leonard trotted at his heels, panting and making worried little noises.

Cary pressed into the corner of a bus seat, wrapping his arms around himself. Was his father praying to God right now? Was he taking that cracker in his big hands and putting it in his mouth? Was he saying sorry for staying away so long, and can I come home?

Would Jesus listen if his father asked for mercy?

Leonard was silent until they got to their room at the shelter. Cary yanked his sweater over his head and threw it under the bed. He hung onto the top bunk while he dug for a different shirt.

Leonard stood where he'd stuttered to a halt, his chubby hands against his cheeks like a cartoon of someone in trouble. "Cary, why did they—why did they kick you out like that?"

Anger was keeping him up. "Because I'm not a good person Leonard. I fuck things up. I hurt people." There were no more clothes in the bag. He chucked it against the wall with a 'smack' and stood breathing hard, trying to hang onto himself before he blew apart like a bomb.

Down Low was stammering like his tongue was in a knot. "If you hurt them, how come you... you're the one who looks like that?"

Thinking was like running into a wall. "What?"

"They don't—they don't look hurt, Care. Just you. You need a doctor."

Cary's breath caught like a hook in his side. He made a sound and pressed his hand against his ribs, holding still while the hook slid back out. He said through his closed teeth: "I don't need a doctor. They'll just say—rest. And tell me how to breathe so I don't get shit in my lungs. Same as last time."

Leonard wasn't looking at him now, pulling at his lower lip like he was afraid. "He did that to you. Your dad. And he did that before."

Cary sank onto the bed. Fuck. He was too tired to hide. "Yeah."

"How come you let him?" Leonard was close to tears.

"I didn't..." Cary shut his eyes. That wasn't true. He dug the heel of his hand into his chest where it hurt. "You know how you feel about your dad, even though you never met him?"

"Yeah," Leonard whispered. "I love him."

Oh God, he was in the basement now, down deep. Cary said, "When I was a little kid, I used to... run away so he would miss me and want me back." He could still feel how hot that hope had been in his chest, riding home beside his mom thinking that this time his father would smile and hug him.

"He didn't." He almost couldn't get the words out. "But I still..." He closed his hands into fists. In the blackened crater that was left of his chest something alive was trying to beat, to shine. His laugh hurt him and tears fell on the knees of his cargo pants. "Jesus. That is so fucked up, right? I tried—I couldn't cut that out. I tried."

He couldn't get his breath in to talk anymore. Leonard's eyes were full of tears, shining blue. He put out a hand, hesitated, then patted Cary gently on his head. "Okay. Okay Care."

The stone lid was gone; he was just an empty hole with wind slicing past the edges.

Cary let out a long, shuddering sigh, wiping his eyes on his wrist and thumbing the tears off his scars. "Can I borrow a shirt?" he asked in a low voice.

"Yeah you can. Of course." Leonard dug in his locker, sniffed the shirt he pulled out and handed it to him. "This one's clean."

Cary pulled it over his bruises and got up. He caught a look at Leonard's face, creased with misery and blotchy from crying. He touched Leonard's cheek with his fist.

"Hey. I never should have told you that shit. Quit thinking about that, okay?"

Leonard lifted his eyes to Cary's face.

Cary put on his best Jon smile, shrugging his shoulders. "This is going to mend and it'll all go into the past—a done thing."

A shadow of his smile flickered in Leonard's face. "You promise?"

Cary drew an X over his heart—over the hole. His mother had done that when he was small enough to believe her. Leonard would never know the difference. "Cross my heart. Good as new."