My breathing shallow and hands shaking, I strip off my swimsuit and turn around.

From the back of my thighs, right under my butt to my lower back, are thin, jagged, black scars.

...

I press a hand to my mouth, sinking down onto the bathroom floor. Cold, hard tile presses against the scars as my other arm wraps around my legs, pulled up to my bare chest. I blink fast, breathing shakily and rocking back and forth. I don't know why, but it's comforting. My heart feels like it's about to be torn out of my chest and I have no idea what to do. I don't know how I got the scars, but I somehow know down to my bones that it has something to do with Tristan. Waves and waves of numbness wash through me as tears trace down my cheeks. I sniffle and a ragged breath tears out of my throat. 

I don't want to get up. I don't want to think about what the scars mean. I don't want to think about Tristan. I don't want to remember what he did. I don't want to feel this anymore. 

I can't do this. I can't fall asleep another night, remembering where his hands have touched me. Where he has violated me. 

The world pales, the coldness in the tile working it's way to my core and resenting with something already there. I feel it toying with my heart, pumping ice cold silver liquid into my bloodstream and then pulling it away, letting the pain bloom into a beautiful, poisonous purple flower.

'Stand up.' My wolf orders me.

'What?' I sniffle, wanting the the liquid to wash over me, taking the pain. 

'Stand up. Now!' 

My wolf's voice jars me into following her orders. My body is still shaking, but I reach into the shower and turn it on, steaming hot water pouring from the shower head. I step inside and let the water spray onto my head, cascading down my spine and pooling at my feet at my wolf's command. After rinsing my body and head of all thoughts, I step out and pat myself dry with a fluffy white towel. When I walk out of the bathroom, I don't glance at the mirror and I don't think about anything except getting clothes on and making it through dinner. 

With my usual pair of leggings, an over sized knit sweater, and my dripping wet hair, I head downstairs to hear the soft murmur of voices and the smell of mom's apple pie. Everyone is gathered in the living room, smiling and laughing about something someone said. At my arrival, Blake looks up at me sharply, all expression of humor gone. I look away from his gaze and smile at everyone, sitting down next to Bonnie on the couch and wrapping my arms around her small frame. Dad pulls out the family game, Apples to Apples and we all groan, even though we always end up laughing up a storm. 

Someone always put's down Helen Keller for everything. If you think about it, it's kind of sad and more than a little rude... but why would they make her a card if it wasn't also a little funny? 

Scary? Humorous? Foul, Absurd, Classic? You name it and she can be put down for it. 

So for a few hours, I don't think about all of the worst thoughts in my head and I don't think about everything that's shitty in my life. 

I just laugh with my family and eat an amazingly delicious meal, before the nightmares come to take me back again and the food doesn't taste so good.

*** 

My head is in the porcelain toilet, throwing up the food that I ingested the previous night. You'd think that throwing up every morning would help you lose weight, but you're wrong because your body doesn't actually get rid of fat or anything like that. Yes, you're vomiting the carbs and sugars, but your body actually needs those to help your organs function. If you go without food for an extended period of time, yes, your body will eventually start literally eating it's own fat because it's so malnourished, but before that, your body will go into starvation mode. This is the period of time where you actually gain weight. Your body doesn't know when you are going to get the correct nutrition and so it holds onto all of your fat. You need fat to regulate body temperature, maintain energy, produce important hormones and a lot of other stuff. 

I know all of this because I've done the research. I know about anorexia and bulimia. I have never and will never fit into either category. Anything I eat will be thrown up the next morning after I relive being degrading into a body instead of a person. I remember things that I didn't when I was first raped. I understand things that I didn't when it happened. 

I think I know why I have scars on my ass. I think I know why they are black. Why no one else can ever know about them. 

Another secret to keep. How many of them can I hold onto without leaking something? How long can I hold on, period? 

***

"Honey, are you sure that you got all of your stuff?" Mom narrows her eyes at Tyler, giving him the look he's been getting his entire nineteen years of living. It's the Go and check again because you always forget something look.

Tyler throws his hands up, exasperated. "Fine! I'll go look again." 

He grumbles as he walks away, Mom chuckling at his quiet impersonations of her. I'm in the middle row where there's only two seats, Blake staring at me from my right. He's been staring at me like that since last night and I can practically see the words floating above his head in an angry little thought bubble, 'When did you get those scars Jessa?' 

I know he wants an answer, but he won't get one. I don't care how much he stares at me, no one will know the truth behind the scars. I barely understand how I got them and what they are, little pieces of memory floating up to the surface of a dark, mysterious and murky water. 

Last night was no different than every other, but when I woke up, I didn't remember anything about that time. I mean anything.

I thought it only happened... a certain number of times.

But now it has me on edge. I'm aware that every time it happened, or so I thought. I was always drugged so I only remember things in my dreams, but now I'm remembering a time that I didn't even know happened. And Blake wants to know about the scars I didn't know about either and not bursting out crying is taking up all my energy. It's eight in the morning and the memory is fresh in my mind, disturbing details turning my stomach and making me feel uneasy. All I want to do is cry, but I can't.

'Breathe, Jessa. Just Breathe.' My wolf says gently.

Even though I'm turned away from Blake, I can feel all his attention on me as I'm pulled out of my thoughts. I didn't let him hold my hair this morning. Wouldn't even unlock my door for him, let alone let him into my bathroom where we'd be alone and he could ask the questions he has been silently burning into my back.

Tyler runs down the porch steps and across the cobblestone pathway to Dad, loading the rest of the bags in the trunk. He hands him a pillow stuffed with little knickknacks, avoiding Bonnie's teases as she crawls across Blake to get to the backseat. Bonnie giggles when Blake tickles her sides, lifting her off his lap and into the isle where she plops down onto the middle seat in the third row. I feel a soft tug on the back of my hair, but ignore it with a sigh, Bonnie's giggling dying down without a reaction.

Blake's eyes still burn their hole in the back of my head, putting me even further on edge. The question refuses to cease berating my mind, sparking anger. I will tell him when he needs to know. Which is never.

Dad slams the trunk closed, Tyler, Mom and him sliding into everyone's respective spots. Mom and dad upfront, Blake and I in the middle row, Tyler and Bonnie in the third.

After dad clicks his seat belt in place, he says, "Everyone ready? We have to hurry back so we have time before Alpha Samuel arrives to prepare, so there is no coming back. If you need something, get it now."

Blake's gaze has more intensity than it did a moment ago and I can't stand another moment of him staring at me. Let alone four hours.

'He wants an answer? Oh, he'll get an answer.' 

'Jessa, what are you doing?' My wolf asks quickly. 

Shutting her out, I slam my fist down on Blake's buckle and yank him out of his seat, sliding the van door open and closed as I drag us into the woods. When we're a good distance from the car, and tall, majestic pine trees surround us, I take a deep breath in, holding it and then slowly letting it go. 

I whirl around while letting his arm go, facing him. 

"Say it, Blake. Just say it!" I shout, frustrated.

"Say what?" He asks evenly.

Though my demeanor is rapidly deteriorating, Blake stands before me, a stoic expression on his face, arms crossed against his chest.

"Say what you're actually thinking, why you've been staring at the back of my head for the past twenty minutes, and why the hell you're so angry about something that didn't even happen to you!"

After my small speech, silence falls over us like a blanket of clouds. I can't tell what he's thinking and I have nothing else to say if he doesn't play his part.

"I...," He stops, swallowing hard, "You already know. And it's clear that you don't want me to know anything about the..." 

He trails off, hands balling into fists and veins bulging. Turning to a nearby tree and suddenly pounding the trunk with his knuckles, the innocent pine trembles and shudders, still swaying after Blake pulls himself away with already healing hands. I can hear his erratic heart and smell the light sweat radiating from his now heated body. Anger rolls off him in suffocating waves. 

"I'm angry because while I was out partying with my friends and getting hyped up on whatever girl was next, you were in a dark room being tortured! I was too busy going to fucking parties to notice that something is wrong with my baby sister! I am angry, I'm so damn angry!" Finishing off, he kicks the poor tree again, cracking the bark. 

My heart aches, knowing what I'm about to do. Knowing that it could very well mean that I have to find out the real reason I have these scars by myself, but I won't put my family in harm's way. Blake is the only one besides me who knows about the scars, so if I can convince him, I can dig into my past without hurting anyone further. 

They can barely handle knowing what happened. How will they handle it if they learn that even I don't know every time... he, did what he did? 

'They can't know. We can't ever let them know and lying to Blake is the only way to make sure it doesn't happen.' 

My wolf ignores me and hurt's blade cuts sharp and deep.

'I need you. I need you here by my side because I won't have anybody and I need you... please.'  I plead, but I'm ready to do what has to be done, even if my wolf never talks to me again.

Closing my eyes and breathing, I swallow the feeling of utter regret. 

'Jessa, I'll always be here for you, even when I don't like the decisions your making. We're a team and we will always be.' 

I sigh at her comforting words and brace myself to sell this lie, opening my eyes and looking at Blake directly. 

His chest still rises and falls quicker than it normally does, but the tree took the brunt of his anger. 

"I gave myself the scars," I pause and bring tears to my eyes, "You don't understand how it feels to remember the worst of it, waking up every morning and looking in the mirror. Hearing his voice in my head telling me i'm fat, or a bitch. It's... it's destroying and I needed some other pain to take away this one away." 

My voice cracks halfway through, dispersing his anger and bringing tears to his eyes instead. I let myself cry in front of him, stepping into his outstretched arms and folding myself inwards. He holds me to his chest, one hand caressing my head and shushing me until I let the tears dissolve. Once I know he's believed the lie, I make sure to sniffle noticeably a few times. 

"Okay," He smiles, "Race you to the car!"

He takes off running and all the way back, we playfully shoulder each other aside and laugh. 

I know that he feels a little better thinking that I scarred myself on purpose, being better than the alternative, which in reality is the truth... somehow. A new heaviness weighs itself on my shoulders, showing me the guilt of lying to my brother. 

Climbing back into our seats, Dad pulls out of the gravel drive, seat belts clicking into place. 

"What took you guys so long?" Dad asks, eyeing us in the rear view mirror.

My body clamps closed, ready to spout another lie.

"I told Jessa I would tell her a secret when we got home, but she was just impatient." Blake rolls his eyes, the lie slipping off his tongue like water. 

I catch myself before I let out a sigh in a car full of lycans and instead of dwelling on the lie Blake just told them, I focus on the green trees whizzing by, leaning my head against the window and pulling out my earbuds. 

Choosing my 'Chill' playlist, I let the cool, silver liquid frost my veins. I feel the numbness to a full extent, absorbing every drop I can so that my mind will finally stop thinking. 

I don't want to think right now. I want to listen to a playlist of my favorite- maybe depressing- songs and just be numb. I'd rather be numb than be in pain.

'It will get better, Jessa. I'm here, and soon someone else will be to.' My wolf assures. 

I don't understand what she means, but I don't seem to understand a lot of her these days. She has gotten me through the hardest things I've ever had to face and she is still pulling me along, standing by my side. I don't have to understand everything she says, but whatever she actually means, it makes me feel better. 

I let my eyes flutter closed, before remembering that in six hours, the Alpha of the Shadow Eclipse pack will be in our territory, making an alliance with my father. 

Scoffing at the absurd thought, I let the numbness float me away on a gray cloud of tears.

______________________

Sort of a depressing chapter... I know, I know. This was a little bit a filler, but make sure you pay attention to details! And of course, you are free to vote, comment, and follow me for more of my other stories ;) Hope all y'all had a good winter break for those in school!

Love,

~S