Knight｜ナイト

Private Knight's Log, Lateautumn 19th, Stellar Annum 632.

Dear Blossom:

I know there's nowhere for me to send this. I know you didn't leave a forwarding address. But I refuse to believe I'm never going to see you again—after all, that's not true, and it'd be silly to believe a falsehood. I promised I'd find you, and I fully intend to keep that promise. So... Whether this letter has a mailbox to go to or not, I'm writing it all the same. You'll get it eventually, somehow. After all, when I find you, I'll want you to know what's happened to me in the interim. I won't want you to be left in the dark, wondering what I've been up to or what I've experienced. I'll want you to know the truth, all of it, the good and the bad. I'm sure I always will.

It's only been four months since you left—heh, 'only.' Feels like forever, though. I mean, I probably should have started recording my thoughts and stuff sooner, but... Better late than never, right? After all... at first it hurt too much to think of you. I'm sorry to say that, but I can't help it. I don't want to lie to you. I don't want to hide from you. But... you have no idea what it's like being here without you, or Forest, or Mother, or anybody. I've never been this alone before, and you know how I've always kept to myself with most people, so that's saying something. I don't like it, I can tell you that much. It's weird not having you here.

It's weird not having anyone here.

Wow. Great start there. As you can see, everything is pure sunshine and roses here on my end of the universe. How are things on yours?

In all seriousness, aside from being lonely and isolating, the army is... hard to fully describe. Some things I expected, others are... very different from what I had pictured in my head for so long. (Hurray for growing up with your d̶e̶s̶t̶i̶n̶y̶ fate constantly hanging over your head, am I right?) Let's see, what's worth mentioning... The food sucks, unsurprisingly. That's not important, objectively speaking, but it's true. And it's annoying. I would give all of the Stars in my savings account (to be fair, that's not all that many) for just one of yours or Mother's homecooked meals. I get jealous when the other soldiers get care packages from home filled with baked goods and the like, though I refuse to show it. Whatever's in there couldn't be as good as what you guys used to make. Still, though. It'd be nice to have someone sending me packages, too.

Back to first impressions, though. Something more surprising about the army is that the people here aren't nearly as serious as I expected them to be. I guess it makes sense, given how most people are still finding it difficult to even take the war seriously. I mean, I get why. I've personally seen only tiny chunks of active combat so far. I pretty much skipped through basic training, at least, since I already clearly knew everything they were trying to teach us (think the stuff you taught me back when I was about six to ten, tops), but that doesn't exactly set me among the frontline fighters. I mean, sure, I've been holding back a bit, but... I don't want to stand out too much. I don't want to become some famous war hero or something and risk Father finding me. Sure, he's disowned me and all, but... As far as I know, nothing legal has been filed in regards to that, and the last thing I'd want would be him showing up and trying to either take credit for me, or worse, trying to ruin my life somehow.

Heh. I'm sitting here at the starting end of a literal, honest-to-Star Power war, and I'm still worried about how Father thinks of me and how he could mess with my life. Sure, I'm technically out and free from him, but it doesn't always feel like it. I have nightmares about him a lot, especially about that last day, when he kicked me out. I'm sure I'll get over it in time, but for now, it's not something I enjoy dealing with.

But look at me, worried about the irrelevant problems. See? It's not hard to get distracted from the war for now. Not that I'm complaining on that front.

As for the war, well, like I said, I haven't really seen much active combat. Most of the time I'm not even dispatched from the minor base I've been assigned to on a small planet a couple systems over from Star World. When I am sent anywhere, the fighting's usually all but over before my platoon even shows up. We haven't even lost a single soldier from my platoon yet, but that's true of most platoons. The death count is staying low so far. I guess I should be thankful, but... I know it's not going to last.

Yeah, yeah. Call me a worrywart all you want, but we both know that I'm right. Nightmare is still... clearly toying with us. Lulling everyone into a sense of false security. Battles are short and easily won, and whatever shock was delivered into the public consciousness by his attack on Startropolis back in Midsummer—I'm sure you remember that mess and I'd prefer not to talk about it further—has mostly died down already. I don't know how long the fiend's going to keep holding back, but whenever he starts going for our throat...

I don't know. I don't want to think about that. Whatever happens—whenever it happens—it's not going to be pretty.

What else... Well, I'd hoped I'd find Forest by now, but no luck yet. I mean, given he enlisted years ago, he's almost definitely ranks ahead of me by now. Wouldn't be surprised if he's leading a platoon somewhere. Again, I could stop holding back as much and try to catch up, but somehow, I don't think it'd really help that much, one way or another. After all, they let everyone change their name to whatever they want when they sign up. Gives everyone a fresh start and sort of equalizes the playing field, at least when it comes to the social aspect, I guess. Unless you want to, you don't have to carry your past into the army with you; at least, not where everyone else can see it. And given that Forest disappeared on us and never came back... he's probably intentionally keeping his past away from him, as much as that hurts to think. Whatever name he's enlisted under, I'm sure I wouldn't recognize it.

I shouldn't be a hypocrite, though. I'm hiding from my past, too, albeit in different ways. I doubt that he'd recognize my enlisted name, either—and there's another thing that bears mentioning. I'm enlisted under the name you tried to give me way back when, Blossom. My registered army name is Knight. I figured it was truly one of my names and therefore not a lie per se, but it still wouldn't make it too easy for Father to track me down. Similarly, Nightmare wouldn't expect me to be going by that, either. 'Knight' offered me a... well, like I said, a fresh start. Which after having spent a few weeks under Nightmare's orders, was especially needed.

Plus, as mentioned above, it hurts not having you here, or Forest, or Mother. And having other people, strangers, carry my name in their mouths when I'd never get to hear it said by the people I care about most, who actually know me... I couldn't do it, Blossom. I don't want to let these people who don't know me call me Meta. It's my earned name, even if not legally so, true. But they haven't earned the right to know it. Hence, Knight. Generic, maybe, but in a way, that's nice. It's... nice not being the standout for once; not being the center of attention, whether positively or negatively. It's nice not being the one kid in town with a sword or the subject of prophesy. It's nice, somehow, to just be a person, nothing less and nothing more.

And yet, at the same time, being a person is... hard. And lonely. I mean, I don't know if it's supposed to be that way, but... Let's be honest, I've never exactly been a social butterfly. I don't really know how to reach out to or befriend people in the first place. And even if I did... having to keep up the front of normalcy and averageness would be exhausting. Letting it down? Even worse. Either I would stand out and attract attention, which I don't want, or... Well, to be frank, I'd look crazy. "Yeah, I've been having visions about this war since I was in kindergarten and I know that it's going to be awful and brutal and so many people are gonna die. Sidenote, did you know that I'm destined to mentor the Warrior of the Stars? Yeah, the guy who's gonna free us once and for all from Nightmare. You know, like General Solar supposedly did, but clearly didn't do such a great job of. The real deal, the one who's actually going to rescue the entire Galaxy, yeah, that Warrior of the Stars. I'm gonna be his teacher of sorts, or something along those lines; I'm not completely clear on the details. Didn't exactly receive a job description with the prophesied assignment. Pretty nifty, though, huh?"

...I don't think I need to elaborate too much on how that'd go over about as well as a solid stone starship. Suffice it to say, I don't think many people would stick around after that.

And yet... I don't like being this completely and fully alone, Blossom. Sure, I enjoy solitude and all, but... heh. Even that's not really true. I like being somewhere quiet and calm, away from most of the world, but I like it best when someone I'm close to is there with me. I was always with you, or with Forest, or with Mother. I wasn't ever truly alone, except for when I was with Nightmare, but that was a whole other situation and only lasted a couple of months. I've never gone this long being so lonely before. It's foreign to me. I hope I never have to truly get used to it.

...You want to know something? I know, it's silly, but lately I've been praying for you to come back, or for me to find Forest or him, me. I know the odds of the first are astronomical and the odds of the second aren't really that much better. Still, though. I need somebody, Blossom. And this is in no way meant to be a guilt trip—I know you'd be here with me in a heartbeat if you could. And that means so much to me. Know this: I don't blame you for not being here. I don't hold it against you that you're not. I still wish that you were.

If nothing else... I would like a friend. Even just a singular friend. Someone I could be honest with, someone I could let my guard down around—someone I didn't have to wear the mask around, literally or metaphorically. Yeah, yeah, I know. I say all this about not wanting to stand out, and then I wear my mask all the time. But I have good reasons for it. It's not like it's something I'm doing just for fun.

No one ever sees my face anymore. It's kinda like the deal with my name. It's easier to keep Meta on the inside and only let the outside world see Knight. Calm, even-headed, logical Knight. Knight doesn't question, or hesitate to process feelings, or waste time overthinking things. You know I've always been emotional, and with the mask on, I don't have to let everyone see that. I can keep my thoughts and feelings inside, where they're safe, where no one can judge or pity or anything else. Sure, the eye color changing thing—I'm still trying to get used to it—gives me away when I get really worked up, but I'm usually good at holding that in till I'm alone in my cot at night. And, true, I share a bunkroom with three other guys, but once lights are off, we don't talk to each other. (I don't really talk to them ever, because I don't know how; actually, I don't think I'm even sure on their names. I think one of them is named Shard or Sliver or something along those lines—but that's all beside the point.) I hear the others softly crying sometimes at night—face it, we're all young and homesick; I do know all four of us are university age or right around it—but none of us ever brings it up in the morning.

Obviously, I make sure not to cry loud enough for anyone to hear, sniffles or anything. Silent tears are all I can afford right now. Knight wouldn't cry, especially not when things aren't even all that bad yet. Meta can cry a little bit, but not enough for anyone to ever know.

And so, the mask. Knight navigates the outer world. Meta is relegated to the inner. And for now, though it's not a fun balance, it's an operative one. And a temporary one, too—one day, I'll find you and Mother and hopefully Forest too, and the war will be over, and I'll be able to be Meta again. Knight is just... a placeholder, as it were. A character for me to be just long enough to get me through this. Just long enough to keep people from noticing me. Just long enough to survive the war.

But like I said... It'd be nice to have a friend. Someone I could still be Meta around. Someone I could take the mask off around, and be myself around. Not someone just like you, of course; I'll never find another you and I don't want to. You are you. But someone like Forest, maybe. Someone I could build a history with over time, someone I could share my past with without fear of them deeming me insane or delusional, someone who could trust me with theirs.

That reminds me of another thing. You know when we'd be training together or fighting alongside each other, and we just flowed as a team? That's a pretty common concept here in the army. They call it your 'backup.' And yeah, we also have 'backup' in the sense of hey, we're getting overwhelmed here; send in backup, although it doesn't happen often—yet. Always the 'yet.' But each individual soldier is allowed a mutual 'backup,' a partner who goes with them into every battle, who always has their 'six,' who makes sure they never have to face a day alone.

For some people, their backup is their spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, or a childhood best friend. Other people, it's just someone they clicked with in basic training. Needless to say, I don't have one. I just... haven't found anyone that my held-back fighting style meshes well with, and besides, to be truly good backups for one another you have to be open with each other, and again, I'm not exactly in the position to excel at that right now.

I miss having that with you, though, the way that when we fought on one another's side, each of us melted into the other. We were a singular unit, each an extension of the other. I was always close to you, of course, but it was in those moments that I felt closest. Student and teacher, now on equal ground, now each the other's best defense against whatever lay ahead. In those moments, as frightening and downright traumatizing as they often were, we moved as one. A fighting pair, I also hear it called.

I know I'll never find someone I flow with as well as you. But someone like Forest, someone where even if we weren't a perfect fit, we still were each the better because the other was there. That'd be nice to find. Someone who I could trust to watch my back, and who could trust me to watch theirs. Someone I could know would try their best to flow with me as long as I returned the favor.

Heh, I probably sound so pathetic right now. "Look at me, I'm living through a war and all I'm worried about is being sad and lonely." I promise I don't spend this much time thinking about these things in day-to-day army life, but, well... I sat down to write, and to write is to think on paper. What else could we expect when I start thinking too much, huh?

Well, it's almost lights out, so I'd better wrap this up for now. I'll be sure to write again soon. Write back, okay? (That was a joke, if it wasn't obvious.)

And hey, Blossom? I know there's nothing you can do about it, obviously, but... You said when you left that I somehow didn't need you anymore, or that, at least, somebody else needed you more. Or maybe I said that; I forget. Honestly, I could have even just thought it. That whole day is simultaneously so vivid and entirely a blur. The exact details of the sentiment, though, don't matter. What I'm trying to say is... Even if I can get by without you, I need somebody. So, if you could somehow send me someone, or convince the Star Power to send me someone, or however it works, I'd deeply appreciate it. Just... send me someone kind. Someone who I can be honest with, someone I can trust.

Someone I don't have to only be Knight around.

I love you, Blossom. More than you could ever guess. I'll tell you someday, though. I promise. After all, like I said. I never want to wear the mask around you. Knight is for the rest of the world. But you... Meta is for you. For a few others, too. But especially for you. And it'll always be that way, no matter what happens, no matter how much we both change as time goes on.

I promise.

With love,

—Meta

P.S. I realized the other day that I don't have a copy of your cookie recipe. I don't know if you ever even wrote it down. It doesn't matter; we both know how I am with cooking and I don't exactly have access to a proper kitchen right now. But if—not if, when—when I find you, I'm making you write it down. It needs to be preserved for posterity. And for me. Mostly for me.

Okay, really finishing this time. I love you. I miss you. Write back soon (again, joking, though begrudgingly).

—Meta