[AN] I know some of you have been asking for a Rose/Scorpius chapter, and I'm sorry for the wait! That chapter is two away. But I promise it will be worth it. Meanwhile, a little more love to these other characters? (:

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Here We Go Again

Chapter 36: Cue the Rain

POV: Lily

The past couple of weeks were some of the most emotionally draining ones I've felt in all my years of life—and the tragedy of that is that I'm only fifteen. I feel like I lived too much pain, torment, and grief to last a lifetime, but I'm faced with the reality that there's still so much more of that to come. I've yet lived what others have lived in respects to heartache. It saddens me to know that there is a hurricane out there with my name on it, waiting and gathering destruction, to come and cause havoc.

The same way I look at the impending misery that awaits me, I cannot forget about the days of sunshine that aren't too far away, either. Though the past couple of weeks were torture, they were filled with love and warmth. If I could feel such immense love for my father (who survived another blow of dark magic) and my family, then surely I've yet to feel the absolute strength of love. And that's something to look forward to, isn't it?

Albeit, the present moment, was an odd one considering my recent reflections. It was both horrible and true, and I didn't know what to do with it. All I know is that it's reality—my reality. That, at the moment, everything is coming out clear and that I cannot fake otherwise anymore.

"I've made some terrible mistakes," I told the boy sitting next to me. We were on a lonely bench, staring towards the spread of the castle's grounds and the students on break happily enjoying the rays of sunshine. "I suppose I always knew I was doing them, but I easily ignored that lack of morality behind it—my own morality. I lost everything because of it."

The boy sat next to me let out an agreeing rumble that echoed off his chest.

"I wish I could tell you that I don't regret it, but I do. It just didn't mean as much to me as I once hoped it would. Now when I think back to it, when I remember it even for a split second, I feel stupid. I'm embarrassed at my idiotic choice. It has nothing to do with you, mind you, it's just not what I wanted—what I truly wanted. You were a gentleman, though. Thank you for that."

He didn't say anything in return.

I sighed. "I hope you can forgive me for using you. Oh, and the hate you are experiencing from my relatives. They're a terribly protective lot. They think you took advantage of me, that you're responsible for my relationship with—"

"I know what they think," Octavio De la Cruz finally spoke, cutting across my explanation. He turned his dark gaze on me. It wasn't malicious, but rather gentle and understanding. It was an odd thing, "and I don't care. I know what I did, and it's nothing to feel guilty about. I'm not here to cause any harm. But I suppose that doesn't matter. Everyone in this castle has a certain perception of me due to my sister's behavior."

"Yeah," I said, "Ophelia does have a reputation on her. But, if it's worth anything, I don't judge you through her flaws."

"That's because you've interacted me, Lily," the Sixth Year Slytherin said with a chuckle. He was distracted from his light amusement as quickly as it came. Still with his focus ahead, his dark brows furrowed and he seemed deep in thought. "...All I've ever wanted is to be seen as a good person—it's all I've ever wanted for Ophelia, too. But she chose her path. She chose to not know remorse.

"You see, we come from the worst pair of muggles imaginable. They loath Ophelia and I for what we are, for the magic in our blood. They treated us worse than dirt, perhaps something lower than that. We were nothing to them. They didn't feel a bit of love, affection, or sympathy—we were only toddlers when they started being abusive. I suppose they thought they could beat the magic out of us. We grew up knowing no love, no compassion, no guilt...We were just secluded and cold. They kept us locked away until our magic was too strong to contain. That's when they shipped us off to our Tio Emilio, my father's brother."

I never bothered to ask why Octavio and Ophelia lived with their uncle, our current British Minister of Magic. I didn't think it was something worth asking, mostly because we weren't exactly friends, and part of me was never curious, but now I felt incredibly foul for never bothering to do so. So many times I was alone with Octavio, I could've taken the chance to know him; to really see him as a person rather than something I could pass time with.

"My uncle is an amazing man. He's given us a lot of affection and time since we've been with him. He's worked on making us better, on helping us heal from what we went through with our parents. Since being with him, all I've ever wanted was to be what he is: honest, compassionate, and loving. I want to be someone genuine."

I stretched my left hand to lightly touch his right one that was resting in the space between us of the bench. He flinched under my skin, but he didn't tear his hand away.

"You'll find people who will see the real you," I said sincerely. "One day you're going to be around people who see that genuine person, Octavio. I swear, you're not a horrible bloke, and I will defend you from anything my relatives decide to inflict on you. I am truly sorry I got you in this mess."

He inhaled once, deeply, and then turned back to me. Once again his bottomless dark gaze found my brown one; instead of looking as I expected him to, which was angry or at least a tiny bit irate with me, he was solemn.

"I'll see you around, Lily." He leaned in and pressed his lips on my forehead. And with one dim smile, he rose from his side of the bench and headed off to the distance he'd previously been occupied with.

I watched him leave and I felt pressure off my shoulders. I know that Octavio De la Cruz wasn't expecting anything from me, because we weren't so inclined and in tune with one another that would suggest a romantic relationship, but he was still a matter I needed to deal with properly. He was my first. He was the bloke I ended up giving what I should've valued so much more than what I had. And as I told him, it wasn't that he was a git or harsh about it, he was just the wrong person.

Before I could submerge myself in my thoughts following my goodbye with Octavio, his side of the bench was immediately occupied by two redheads.

"Broke up with him, did you?"

"We weren't really an item," I clarified to Hugo, who was waving a hand at the Slytherin's retreating path.

Lucy was the other redhead present. Her brown eyes were watching me intently, no expression etched on her freckled face. It suddenly hit me we haven't spoken to one another in all of the school year. She has avoided me just as I've avoided her. This is terrible. It's been ages, the longest we've ever gone in our lifetime without speaking to one another, and I knew I was the only one to blame.

We have our differences, Lucy and I, more so than Hugo, Roxy and I, but I know that I'm always the one that crosses the line. Lucy only upsets me because her tongue only lashes out honesty. She's not one to lie, tease, or exaggerate. Lucy Weasley is the sincerest person anyone can ever come across. So, whatever this tension is that cast a rift between us, could have only come from me. I try to be as truthful as I can be, but my emotions get the best of me. I'm hotheaded, stubborn, and dangerously sensitive.

That's where all of my troubles began, really.

"Liam has a girlfriend now," I said, not sure with what tone or what feeling. All I know is that the three of us are now looking ahead, towards the area populated with students lounging about, and that's where my evidence is.

Liam was sitting under a tree accompanied by a dark-haired girl with a crown of flowers in her hair. His back is against the bark and she's lying with her body in between his legs. He has his arms wrapped around her tightly, protectively and lovingly as it is in his nature. His fingers are playing with strands of her dark hair, twisting softly as he smiles. She's all smiles too as she read from her book—and, honestly, how can she not be radiant when she is with him.

They look perfect together.

Hugo coughed beside me. "Yeah, I know, Lils," he replied, "they've been together for about two months now. They're not exactly keeping it a secret, are they?"

"They don't have to," I mumbled. "I didn't exactly hide De la Cruz from him, did I?"

"You're taking it rather well," my Ravenclaw cousin voiced. "I actually expected you to be furious, break stuff, and just a complete wreck."

I couldn't hear it, but in the distance Liam laughed. He threw his head back, his shoulders vibrated with his amusement and joy. Gracen Goyle used her book to cover her face, but by the movements of her shoulders pressed against Liam's chest, I could tell she was laughing, too.

With a clearing of my throat I responded, "I already got furious. He told me right before everyone else knew. We were in St. Mungo's; I tried kissing him when he was trying to console me, and he stopped it from happening. It was the right thing to do, wasn't it?"

"It's something Greengrass would do, yeah," confirmed Hugo. "You didn't hex him, right?"

"No. I wanted to, mind you, but...But he fired back. He said he wasn't going to wait for me and that he was just done." I felt a knot in my throat. It hurt. It was the collection of a broken heart, self-loathing, and regret. "How can I fight back with someone who doesn't want me?"

Seeing as Hugo was the only one speaking to me, I figured it would be him to reach me and embrace me, but it was actually Lucy who stretched a hand to grab one of mine. Briefly, I looked away from Liam and his new girlfriend to glance back at my cousin. If I expected righteousness from her, I didn't get it; instead, there was sympathy.

Tears fell from my eyes, but I turned back towards the distance: Gracen forgot all about the book she'd been reading and was now sitting instead of laying. Liam was still holding her tightly, except this time one of his hands was touching her face carefully. I couldn't hear his laughter or his voice from where I sat, but I could see his eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes that once gazed at me like I was a fallen star were now lost in Gracen's blue orbs like they were undiscovered oceans.

I did myself the favor to turn away again when Liam and Gracen leaned into one another to share a kiss. It was too painful to witness; especially because I knew it wasn't the first and it wouldn't be the last kiss they experienced together.

"My love life is shit," I said to my cousins through my tears and will not to breakdown, "but how are yours? I reckon loads better."

Taking my desperate need for a change of subject, Hugo took the turn to talk. Usually, he wasn't the one to elaborate on anything that happens in his romantic life, but seeing his favorite cousin (that'd be me) in need, he went for it.

"I'm sort of seeing Olivia Boot now," he said, but there was conflict in his tone and in his blue eyes. "It's been serious for like a month."

"Is she forcing you to be in this relationship?" I questioned, my mind fast to conjure the face of Olivia Boot, a Sixth Year Ravenclaw, to distract myself from my heartache. "You don't seem quite happy, mate."

Hugo shrugged carelessly, but the sadness in his gaze labeled the matter far more important than what he wanted it to be. "It's not that. I quite like her. She's witty, sweet, and intelligent...It's just, I'm not sure I'm the right person for this kind of stuff."

"What kind of stuff?" asked Lucy.

"Relationships," Hugo pronounced the word like it was taboo. "I've done good cruising by, you know. I date around—girls, blokes, I'm not picky about it. I like a laugh and a good time. But then I hooked up with Boot and it sort of just hit me badly. I pushed her away a few months back. I kept hooking up with Anthony Goldstein, and I know she was aware of it, too. So when I tried talking to her again she flat out said she wouldn't even look my way until I decided if I truly wanted her. What the hell was I supposed to do with that?"

My face expressed my confusion. "But...You're with her. That means you know."

He shook his head, his shoulders now hunching down as he pressed his elbows against his thighs. "That was a few weeks ago, when she gave me that ultimatum. I sort of ignored her after that, still doing my own thing, but she just never left my thoughts. I heard a rumor she went on a date with a Hufflepuff and I lost it. Now here we are.

"Don't get me wrong," he looked back at us with an upward tilt of his head, "I'm happy, she's happy—the whole bloody world is nothing but rainbows. It's just...I get scared. I'm scared that I'm going to do something stupid and lose her. How can I go back after dating around as I did? How can I get rid of being absolutely rubbish with commitments? I stare and I flirt and I touch other people...Oli doesn't deserve that."

How ironic: Hugo wanted nothing more than to treat his girlfriend with kindness, sincerity, and full-on maturity, and all I'd wanted from Liam was to be treated like a common fling. Clearly I was the wrong with her priorities all wrong.

"If you truly like her you won't do anything to hurt her." Lucy released my hand from the hold she still had on it in order to place that comfort on Hugo's left shoulder. He glanced up at her, looking just as surprised as I was that she was the one giving relationship advice. (Maybe that was a good thing considering I sent my own relationship down the toilet). "You have to trust yourself, as well, Hugo. Don't ruin your time together with Boot by assuming that every step you're taking might be the wrong one. Enjoy it. Hug her, snog her, talk to her, laugh with her—whatever! Just do it with absolute joy. If its meant to last, it will."

Wow.

"Are you reading Rose's Guide To Relationships For the Intelligent Witch series again, Luce?" I asked with utter amazement at the wise words she'd just given to our cousin.
She rolled her eyes at me. "If you must know," she stressed, "I happen to be learning a lot from my boyfriend."

I choked on my own oxygen, and Hugo laughed at my reaction. He didn't seem as surprised as I was, but I expect Lucy was still sharing with Roxy and him everything she wasn't with me considering that we were previously in a fight with one another.

"Who?!"I almost shouted. "Merlin, Luce, it's not that Durmstrang bloke that transferred in the beginning of the year, is it? I told you he fancied you!"

Lucy frowned disapprovingly at me guess. "No, he and I are just friends, thank you. Actually, Lorcan Scamander is whom I'm with currently. We've been together for—"

"She doesn't know how long,"

"—one hundred and twenty-three days tomorrow," she completed, smacking Hugo above the head when he commented at her expense. "Shut up. You know I take this very seriously."

"You both do," said Hugo with a smirk. He then he turned to me. "You should see it, Lils. It's like they're testing an experiment: they share notes, make observations, and test out certain situations. It's quite funny."

"It's our first relationship," Lucy defended. "We are just trying to ease into it as best as we can. Neither of us wants to mess it up and then not be able to be friends again. You two know how much I valued his friendship before. He is my best friend, and I want to be certain I won't lose that if it doesn't work out between us."

Hugo straightened his back to put an arm around our cousin's shoulders. He pulled her into a side hug and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Yes, we are aware, Luce."

"Lorcan is a complete sweetheart," she added, "and he's been an impeccable boyfriend."

"We know," continued Hugo again. "He's a great bloke. He deserves you—and believe us, we didn't think anyone ever would."

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Outside, through a glass window, the sun shone brilliantly: it was intense, marvelous, and it illuminated the green fields and gave life and color to the flowers planted all around. The sun highlighted the sky, making it appear much bluer and enchanting than it has ever been. The clouds in the sky were puffy and white, appearing like the softest of cotton balls stretched and hanging gently in the atmosphere. Everything tied together to make it the perfect day.

I've come to the conclusion, however, that the grass is always greener on the otherside. Always. And it was just my luck to find myself sat inside a dim, cold dungeon, while the others marveled in another picture-perfect day. Meanwhile, I was fated to peer out the window, hoping that a giant gust of wind would shatter the glass and blow me out into real life. But nothing came—and I was starting to think it never would.

I'm broken inside, of that I am very much aware. It's such an odd thing to admit to myself, considering that all my life I've been in a bubble that was created for the sole purpose to keep me from shattering. It was to keep me shiny and new, like the most valuable object on earth. I was the precious gem among scattered bones—but somehow, I became obsessed with being the bones. I wanted to be common, insane, free, but I was too shielded for that to happen.

I am the Chosen One's most precious possession, clearly untouchable. That proved to be my greatest obstacle, and in the long run, the thing I should've never tried to conquer. But I was an idiot, for all I wanted was to be touched. I wanted to be fully loved by someone, and to have them break me. I wanted to risk my heart and soul and everything that I owned. I wanted to be taken seriously, and then be disregarded. I wanted to be valued and appreciated because I was theirs, I wanted them to claim me entirely without a second thought. I wanted to break free, spread my wings and take off—except, I hadn't grown into them and I fell. I fell deep and hard, and now I'm gasping for air and hoping to be saved.

I thought myself as fire, so I assumed I had the right to play with it and do with it as I pleased. I wanted to master the wrong side of things, the things that are hushed and that makes people turn red. I saw myself as something capable of withstanding it all, all of humans dangerous emotions, but I was wrong. I got burned. I took a knife and carved out my own heart.

Now here I am.

"So much thinking is going to turn your brain into mush." I found a pair of emerald eyes watching me from a distance not too far after I turned away from the window of the classroom. "It's a nice day out, you should go be enjoying it."

"I can say the same to you, Al," I responded to my brother.

He gave me a small smile. "I sort of promised I would stay in the shadows from now on."

"To who?"

"To myself," he confessed, that hint of amusement off his face now. "For her," he added. His gaze got lost on a scrap of leather around his right wrist: it was a bracelet that he bought in a pair a year back from Romania; it was painted with runes that symbolized a promise of love.

"You can't hide from her forever," I said, though I felt like a complete hypocrite for doing so. We were both locked away inside the walls of the castle, constantly hiding, constantly lurking the shadows, as to not search for the people that were our forms of light while they illuminated over others.

Al ran a fingertip over his leather bracelet. "I think she is starting to move on," he muttered without glancing up at me. "I can't always stay away from her, so when I do get to see her, I can see life slowly starting to glitter in her eyes, she laughs again, there are signs of her old self—it scares me, Lily. It scares me to think she's going to forget me. I don't think I can handle her leaving me behind.

"But I deserve it," he added without a pause, his tone a little angry and thick, "I deserve to be left behind. I was a selfish bastard before—I cheated on her, I did horrible things to her for my own needs, so I can't be selfish about this. I can't wish her to hold on to the pain I caused her, to look into her wounds and find her love for me, despite the agony she must go through to do so, just so she won't forget me."

An ugly understanding bonded my brother and I in that moment because I knew all too well what he meant. It hurt me deep in my bones to hear the devastation in his voice, even more so because I related to it. Because what he said was the truth—the absolute, concrete truth. It is not right to demand the person you hurt to keep bleeding for you, especially after you gladly did your damage on them so that you can rise high. How could we demand to be caught by the people we threw over the edge?

With tears in my eyes, I hopped off my seat and moved to my brother's direction. When I reached him, he glanced up at me and I found that I wasn't the only one crying. There was so much anguish in his eyes, and I was certain my guilt matched his.

He put an arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder after I took a seat beside him.

"How did we end up like this, Al?" I asked my brother. "How did we become so wrong, so selfish, so...broken? How do we get better again without them? How do we get happy again for ourselves?"

"I always thought James would be the one to be rubbish with relationships," offered Al after a long moment of silence between us as we contemplated the questions I asked. "He's always been arrogant, immature, and stubborn—but he got it right, didn't he? He is something we will never be."

"James endured pain, Al, meanwhile we were the ones to spread it," I said, pulling away from his embrace to stare at him firmly. "Our brother went through so much this year, it's unbelievable. He held on and fought for love. He's now basking on all the happiness he deserves."

Shame crept onto Al's face. Before he could say anything else, however, the safe haven that was this abandoned classroom was intruded—and it was invaded by someone from my own personal hell.

"I've got to run," said Al as he rose from his seat. I sent him a deadly glare, but he didn't seem to notice my turmoil when he sent the unwanted newcomer a friendly smile. "I'm supposed to help Zabini study for our Charms exam tomorrow."

My brother patted my head before walking out of the classroom.

Tension filled the dungeon as soon as he left: Gracen Goyle and I stared at one another blankly, but emotions were starting to bubble behind our gazes and in our chests that I was certain could not be controlled.

While I was fire, always ready to burn and turn things into ash with my fury, Goyle was something more stable—she was water.

"I'm here for my book," she informed me, as if she owed me an explanation or I asked for one.

I watched her slowly make her way to the center row of desks. She bent down and picked up a Potions book from underneath a bench.

She was making her way back out, but I couldn't leave it at that. I couldn't let her go without saying what was festering in my head since I found out about her and Liam.

"I always knew you wanted Liam."

Goyle stopped in her tracks, tensing her back. For a moment silence reigned. I thought she was going to exit the classroom, not bothering to look back, but she made a movement, and it was to turn to face me.

There was determination in her blue eyes, a will for composure. "I'm not going to have this conversation with you, Lily."

"Don't avoid it. You know it's true, anyway. You always wanted him," I accused as I rose from my seat. "I saw the way you looked at him, like he was the only person in the room. You used to smile at him like you hope he would fall in love with you. And you know how I know?" I took four steps in her direction. "Because I used to look at him that way before we were together."

I looked over her, anger in my eyes, when I added, "A part of me wonders if you made a move even when we were together."

Although water could be steady and silent as a pond, it could also transform into treacherous waves. Goyle's blue eyes were now uncontrolled oceans, filled with fury.

"I would never," she practically screeched in self-defense, "I would never cross a line with a boy who has a girlfriend. I was friends with Liam, and I never tried to be anything else, do you understand me?"

"But you were quick to get him when we broke up," I added fuel to my fire. "Admit it. You took the leap the first chance you got."

"I was his friend," she hissed at me, fighting back. "After you broke up with him I was there to help him mend his broken heart without any ulterior motives. I wanted him to be happy again."

"Happy with you?"

Her frown deepened in my direction. "You lost him all on your own," she said, and the certainty in her voice was almost like a knife to my chest. "When he was with you, I never made a pass because I respected your relationship. I liked him, I won't deny that, but I was only his friend. If I ever had hopes that maybe one day he could look at me the way I looked at him, well, they were sparked by your behavior—because I knew, Lily, I knew you didn't know what you had with him. I knew you were going to break his heart, and I wasn't wrong. Now he is with me and I am not going to apologize for it just because you realize now how amazing he is."

"I have always known how amazing he is!"

"Then why did you let him go?" she demanded angrily. "Why did you give him up? Why did you toss him aside like he meant nothing?"

My lips pressed into a tight line as I fumed. I couldn't find words to throw back at her in that moment because I was being smacked by the truth in her accusations. And it pained me—it pained me to know that other people were able to see how far I was willing to crush Liam as long as I got my way.

"I did love him," was what I finally said.

The tsunami in her eyes shrunk back in force for a moment. "I think I love him better, Lily," she sincerely murmured in response. "I fall for her him every time he blushes at an inappropriate joke, when he smiles and it brightens up his entire face, the way he holds my hand, when he calls me beautiful, sometimes as a whisper or with one look—"

I took back one of the steps I had taken in her direction. My heart felt like it'd taken a curse.

"—I like the way he hugs me, making me feel safe and warm," she continued. "I fall for him every time he listens to every word I tell him, encouraging me to keep going because he likes the sound of my voice. I fall for him every time he laughs, because it's music to my ears, and it starts mine. I like the way he's so calm and reassuring, always right beside me when I need him to be. And the way he kisses me...I always try not to cry because I've never felt more cared for, more loved, or more alive. And I love him for all of that, Lily—I love him better than you ever have because I value every bit of him and take him for who he is."

At a point, Gracen Goyle started crying, and at a point, I copied her. Tears rushed down my cheeks, every word of hers was one repetitive, unmerciful stab to my heart.

"I liked him since before I came to Hogwarts," I found my voice through the excruciating knot in my throat, "and fell in love with him the summer before my Fourth Year. I fell in love with his brown eyes, his charming smile, with his kind soul...I fell in love with the way he made my heart flutter its wings, how my insides came to life with one look at him. I loved him when the summer nights were long and we would sit in my backyard talking about absolutely nothing, and yet the hours were like seconds...And I knew I loved him more than I could ever love anyone else when I saw him crumble after his father's death and all I wanted was to take away his pain. All I've ever wanted was to love him to the point of no return."

I put my hand over my mouth to muffle the round of sobs that soon followed my claims. My mind replayed everything: every moment I have ever lived with Liam. I recalled all the happiness, all the light, all the love he submerged my days and nights with. I felt his hands over me, gently touching, worshiping, and I felt his fingertips over my face, tracing patterns on the freckles over my nose. I even felt his lips on mine again, sweet and everything beautiful that Gracen felt when he kissed her.

I love Liam, with all my heart and soul, that was true, but Gracen was right. If I loved him as fervently as I claimed, then why did I leave him? Why did I sacrifice him and everything amazing he was for moments of cheap passion and a search of discovery that ultimately left me wanting to be right in the place I started in (which was his arms)?

"He's falling for you," I lowered my hand away from my mouth in order to speak, "I can see it, everyone can see it. He's...He's happy when you are around him, and his eyes are constantly searching for your face when you aren't with him. I...I r-remember when...I remember—" I stopped for a moment to release a cry. "I remember when he looked at me that way, but now it's for you. And I see it with you, too. I know you love him."

The Ravenclaw witch was shedding tears just as I'd been doing, but hers weren't devastated as mine were. Gracen was crying because of her feelings for Liam—because everything that he was, everything truly wonderful about him was something worth defending for her. She was ready to go to war with me to protect him, to give him his place, to keep his heart safe.

Every part of me wanted to put on my armor, pull out my wand, and struck her down without mercy for Liam's heart. But how could I? How could I go and steal him away, how could I take him from her, if he was in a better place beside her?

"Make him happy," I stated with finality, "and love him. Love Liam with your heart because he deserves nothing less."

Then I headed for the doors. I left fast, tears blurring my vision, but with more pressure eased off my shoulders. Because I had a choice, I always had a choice—I either fought for Liam, begging him to forgive the wrong I'd done him, or I stayed away from him so that he could be happy with someone who adored everything about him.

My choice was made; because how could I make Liam pretend that his heart wasn't covered in scars cause by my own hand?