Here We Go Again

Chapter 20: A Change in the Routine

POV: Al

Ever feel like everything around you is a millimeter away from pissing you off? Like your surroundings are suddenly too bright, too dark, too loud, too quiet; the people talk too much, don't talk enough, are boring, are too eccentric? It's almost as if you woke up one day and the world you're used to suddenly wasn't okay anymore.

Or maybe it was that I wasn't right anymore.

The routine was effortless and mundane. Just like everyone around me.

I learned from my older relatives that a life with a routine was safe and perfect. Well, that was okay for them, wasn't it? They had lived a life where their tomorrows hadn't been promised. They would've given anything to live their days quietly, surrounded by the same people they were accustomed to, and just make it.

That wasn't enough these days. Not for me, at least.

"You're quiet."

I looked away from the distance, from the sun hanging on to its life for another hour before it died in order to revive the next day. I found a pair of blue eyes like the morning, clear sky staring into my green with a blur of a barrier. Her eyes were hazy, protective; yet defenseless all in one.

A part of me knew I caused that mix.

"Just thinking," I responded to my girlfriend. A small smile titled a corner of my mouth. "Why are you quiet?"

Her plump, pink lips tightened into a line and she looked back towards the sky. Her hands were resting against the ledge of the Astronomy Tower, roughly clutching to the rail. "Thinking too," she murmured.

"Are you thinking about me?" I questioned, long forgetting about the scene before us as I focused on her beautiful, perfect face.

She swallowed, gaze still focused on not looking at me. The rough clutch on the rail loosened, but she pressed herself closer to it; titling in an angle like she wanted to take a good look below.

My hand automatically flew to her shoulder and squeezed. I pulled her back, keeping her safe and from falling over the edge. My brow rose up and I was certain I looked slightly appalled.

"You don't love me anymore, do you, Potter?" Finally glancing away, her hands tore away from the railing and her body turned to face me.

The appalled feeling turned defensive. "What are you on about? Of course I love you, Nia. I love you so much."

She swallowed again. Swallowed a ball of emotions that was hard for her to express, that she never let out, that wasn't a part of her being. She was the girl that remained neutral or very ticked. Emotions, weak emotions, didn't come easily to her like they would to most girls. They were shaking her up, scaring her. She didn't know how to react. She didn't know how to make her body settle and make her mind process what she was feeling. Her heart and head played different roles in her life, but it was always her head that conquered. Whatever her heart had to say, it remained mute until it somehow was broken down into phrases her head could understand.

That routine was now broken, however. Her hands shook with uncertainty, with fear, with weakness. The confidence that made her blue eyes gleam in a mighty fashion, that showed the world that she was a lethal force to reckon with, was gone. She wasn't my Nia Harper, a fiery being.

"Why don't I feel it anymore?" Her voice was low, barely audible, but it managed to echo through the lonely section of the Astronomy Tower we were in. Her gaze narrowed deep into mine. "If you don't, Al...If you don't love me, let me go now. Break up with me."

Panic pumped into my chest; restarting my heart with a kick. I tore myself away from my side and placed myself in front of her. Our gaze connected deeper as I grabbed her cold hands, squeezed, and erased some space between us.

"Never," I told her. "I will never let you go, Nia. I love you, alright? I love you more than anything in the world. I...I know I've been a complete tosser lately, but its nothing to do with you."

Her front teeth sunk to her bottom lip. She tried to pull her hands from mine but I didn't budge; she instead pushed her back deeper into the rail to get away from me. "I know that, Al," she sounded raspy, like she was containing a mountain slide of raw emotions. "I know it's you. You're the one who's changed...I don't change, Al. I don't. I love you exactly the same way I loved you from the first day. But...I can't do this. I can't handle your distance, your indifference...I can't handle this anymore."

"You can't handle the way you feel for me," I said quickly. "You can't handle your love for me because you've never felt what love truly is. What you're feeling—how much it hurts—I felt for years for you, Nia. I hurt that much when you couldn't realize that you loved me. Don't give up on us if you've just begun to feel it."

A moment of silence passed between us.

"Why are you doing this?" Her voice was low again. "Why don't you let me go, Al?"

"Because I love you."

She didn't say anything. Honestly, she didn't have to. The glitter in her eyes said it all. She didn't believe me. There was once a time when I said those three words and she melted in my arms. There was a time that the blue in her eyes was out of this world; that twinkled like sapphires because she loved me and I loved her.

Merlin, I did love her. I swear it. She's everything.

But the routine...Loving her was part of the routine wasn't enough now.

"Do you want me to break up with you, Nia?"

Tears blurred her eyes but she never shed them. She waited until they soaked back in and gave her a better view of me. We stared right into each other; digging for our souls and our truths. There was so much vulnerability in her, so much that I could've never guessed, and I know she saw shadows in my soul. There was a darkness in me that she never would've seen.

I was filled with uncertainty of who I was or what I wanted.

"Do you love me, Al?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to let me go?"

"No."

She had to swallow another knot of emotions. "I don't like who I am when loving you is painful."

One of my hands dropped hers and it went straight to the side of her face. I held on lightly, bringing her a little closer to me; so I could get a better look into her eyes and to feel the warmth of her body that'd been distant before. It was a warmth that I've missed recently. It was something that I've been pushing away.

"Love sometimes hurt, Nia. That doesn't mean its not true."

She closed the small gap between us. Her lips pressing into mine felt different. It was a kiss laced with fear. And it ended quickly.

"Love only hurts when it's unrequited or when it's about to end."

                                                                                        X

Toxic smoke filled my lungs and I closed my mouth to keep from coughing. The smoke burned my throat, but it stayed where it needed to until it exited in cloudy streams from my nostrils. I looked up to the ceiling, watching those streams disappear there.

When did I start smoking?

It was when I found three Sixth Year Hufflepuffs outside the greenhouses with those thin sticks that I saw muggles inhale on when we were in their world. Gran called them the devil sticks, and she said if she ever caught any of us with it she'd show us what she did to Grandad Arthur when he first tried them.

One of the Hufflepuffs, a bloke by the name of Jager Smith, handed me one as if he knew that I'd take it. I did. But it'd also been like he knew that amount of stress smoking the cigarette would release. After five minutes and the echo of the bell signaling for our next lesson, Smith handed me a pack and they've been in my possession ever since.

Who knew what they did, but, Merlin, did they help.

"This is fucking ridiculous." Huffing from his four-poster, Scorpius fanned the smoke in our dormitory with the wave of his cloak. He frowned at me like a strict parent, but said nothing as he shook his head and kicked off his shoes. "The world's going mad."

I brought the cigarette to my lips again. "Why's that?" I asked before I dragged a puff from it.

"Liam and Lily broke up," he snapped. I raised my brow at him, but he didn't notice my questioning as he unbuttoned his white shirt and stripped it off. He was usually the clean one from us, but tonight he just tossed his uniform on the floor carelessly. "How the fuck did that happen? They were the only ones that made sense!"

I tapped the ashes from my cigarette to the floor and still looked confused. "Why do you sound like an appalled fangirl? These things happen, mate."

He finally looked at me as he unzipped his trousers and kicked them under his bed. He grabbed his black pajama bottoms before he started speaking. "No! No, they don't. People who are supposed to be together stay together! Things don't change between us, they stay the same! Breakups don't happen!"

"You sound like Nia," I mumbled.

He didn't hear me. "Your sister was always so bloody obsessed with Liam and Salazar knows the idiot loves her more than himself. How does this rubbish happen?"

I shrugged. "Do you think your cousin has it in him to move on? He's like the sweetest bloke ever, you know. He doesn't quite scream strength and willpower."

Scorpius copied my previous action before he untucked the sheets from their neat place so he could climb into his bed. "Who the bloody hell knows," he sighed. "Mind you, they did break up a week ago and neither of them had mentioned it before. Liam seemed his regular self since then. Maybe he'll be fine."

"Let's hope so. Not like we can deny that Lily had him wrapped around her finger."

Malfoy grimaced. "Yeah, that was embarrassing. He lost his manly-bits to her—"

"I'm still in the room!"

A textbook was thrown from the opposite side of the dormitory. It startled Malfoy and I; making me drop the cigarette on my exposed chest and burn me. I hissed from the sting.

"Will you two fucking tossers at least wait until I'm gone before you talk about my failed relationship?!"

Coughing away the laughter that was not required at this moment, I let Malfoy take the lead of this conversation. I, instead, took another inhale from my cigarette and then squashed the lit end on the nightstand next to my four-poster.

"Sorry, mate," said Malfoy as he sat up from his bed and looked at his cousin with a bit of remorse. "We're still in shock, that's all. We didn't expect to find that bit out as a side dish during dinner."

The brown-haired wizard frowned as he kicked off the emerald sheets from around him. "Yeah, well, that makes three of us. I didn't think Lily was going to announce it to the world when Louis made the stupid move of asking why we weren't sitting together."

Yeah, that was a piss-poor move from both my cousin and sister. She could've shrugged it off and none of Gryffindor House would've known about their breakup. Or the Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Slytherins, Staff, and ghosts. It was quite embarrassing, really.

"How'd you two even breakup?"

Greengrass jumped up from the bed we offered him to hide in after dinner. "I'll see you two later."

"Liam," called Malfoy, "don't—Don't go, idiot! If any Slytherin catches..." He trailed off. His cousin slammed the door of our dormitory and disappeared. His chance of survival was left to the fact if the common room was empty or a Slytherin found it in himself not to torture the poor bastard.

The blonde Slytherin sighed dramatically, throwing his head back against his headboard. He closed his eyes, mumbled something to himself, and his left palm balled into a fist. If the bottle of Firewhiskey we nicked from an older Slytherin was still underneath his bed I was positive he would've taken a giant gulp from it. That is, if I hadn't drank what was left of it by myself three nights ago.

"Something on your mind, mate?" Well, I felt slightly guilty. It was our shared emergency liquor. There was a pact to never finish the supply and leave the other without any. Mind as well talk this out than telling him the Firewhiskey was gone because I'm a selfish bastard with deep-rooted issues all of a sudden.

"Everything's off," he said through clenched teeth. "Things like this don't happen to us, but they're happening anyway. Why? What the hell is the purpose of...Why did Liam and Lily breakup?!"

Whoa. Okay. This was...What?

"What are you on about, Malfoy?" Seriously. "People breakup all the time. We're teenagers. And, come off it, Lily just turned fifteen. Her hormones are all over the place; she doesn't know what she wants. Of course it's sad that they split, but shit happens."

"No, it doesn't," he snapped. "Not to us. Things don't change...Everyone is just on the bloody verge of ending their relationships. Liam's is gone, Emily thinks your stupid brother might end it with her, Louis and McLaggen broke up today during breakfast, you and Harper are definitely going to breakup, and Scamander and Longbottom—"

"Piss off! Nia and I are not going to breakup!" What was with people thinking that? We are fine. "As for Louis and McLaggen, those two breakup all the bloody time! They got back together by midday. Who the hell cares about Scamander and Alice; too bad about Liam; and James would never end it with Emily."

He rolled his eyes. "You and Harper should breakup," he said.

I glared. "Why would we do that?"

"You know why." He gave me a pointed look and I wanted to hex him. He didn't know anything. "You're playing her, Potter."

My jaw squared with tension. "Go to hell, Malfoy. I love—"

"I kissed Madison Mulciber yesterday."

Well...huh?

One.

Two.

Three.

"Look, mate, I knew what was going on but...but I couldn't stop it. It was a regular day, I was just helping her study, and she smelled like mint and chocolates, and you know I like mint chocolate. I dunno. It was just...and then she leaned in and I couldn't pull away, but I wanted to. I swear I did!"

I knitted my brows as I watched him inhale, exhale, inhale desperately. "Malfoy, I know you love Rose."

He nodded furiously. "I do, Potter. I really do. I swear that I never would intentionally kiss Mulciber, but...What the hell am I supposed to do? Rose hates her! If I tell her...I don't even know what happened! Mulciber just smelled so heavenly, and her eyes were so...I just know that I would never hurt Rose like that."

For Merlin's fucking sakes, Malfoy was a complete idiot. An idiot in potions, to be exact. No wonder he could not pinpoint what actually happened.

"Malfoy, you were clearly under the—"

Knock. Knock. Knock.

The door to our dormitory opened and a witch with deep brown eyes and hair black as night stuck her head in. "Good. You're awake."

The blonde Slytherin frowned, either for the interruption or for whom it was. "Lost your way, De la Cruz?"

Ophelia smiled with a shadow of mischief as she gave Scorpius a good look over. She opened the door further, enough to slither her body through the gap, and claimed dominance by her stand. She crossed her arms and begged for a challenge.

"This isn't the girls' dormitory, you know."

"Se un buen chico, Malfoy, and run along," the Slytherin witch replied in a calm yet condescending manner.

My friend didn't move. "Fuck off."

"So lovely."

I cleared my throat at the dangerous exchange between the two. "Malfoy, mate, can you give us a minute? Ophelia is just here for some notes."

He rose up from his four-poster but didn't take his eyes off of me. He was my best friend, he knew me. There weren't any notes. "Should I keep Zabini from coming in too?"

"That'd be great. Thank you," Ophelia antagonized my friend.

Scorpius rolled his eyes and headed to the door of the dormitory. And just as he turned down the handle to exit out, he turned to me and said, "make it two breakups among us, not one."

He mind as well have punched me on the face. I was sidetracked for a moment, Nia's blue eyes flashing through my thoughts, that I didn't get a chance to move or blink before I felt my mattress sink in and legs trap me to it.

"Happy to see me?" Ophelia asked as she pressed down harder into me. Her brown eyes were bottomless, mysterious, and fucking bewitching. She threw everything off balance. I couldn't help to shut away everything from the outside to enjoy the jolts of fear and excitement racing down my spine.

My hands automatically went to her waist. "I'm always happy to see you."

She smirked for a moment before her mouth touched mine. It wasn't foreign; nothing that happened more than once was ever considered strange. And in this case, it'd been six times that our lips moved together since we first spoke and I blew off Quidditch tryouts for her.

That's when the routine had become unimportant.

Her hands were eager as they roamed around my body. My usual sleepwear was her friend tonight, alike many nights. Less clothing to tug on. My chest was bare and her fingernails were already lightly scratching their way down, leaving marks that would fade away by morning. Erasing any evidence that she'd been on me, touching me, and making me feel like I was someone new.

There was always so much force in the way that she moved. She was needy—desperate and passionate. She was like no one I'd ever encountered. She was a rioter caught inside a body with plain eyes. She was contained fire, dangerous and still burning to the highest degree. And she saw that same thing in me. She was always desperate to release the darkness within me.

And I wanted her to. But it came with a price, didn't it?