i made the gif above!

• C H A P T E R T W E N T Y - T H R E E •

the one where
no one was okay

New Year was in two days.

Ethan invited Bilal over to spend the entire day to celebrate his birthday like they did every year since they won't see each other on his actual birthday (1).

It was early in the morning when they got inside the girls' apartment, only to find Veronica swinging on the stool as she peacefully ate her breakfast.

Ethan frowned and stared at his watch. 9:30. His eyes narrowed. "On a break, you get up no problem, but if you have classes, one has to drag you out of bed?"

"Yeeeep. Yep. Yep. Yep."

He rolled his eyes, moving to the coffee machine. "Chloe moved out?"

"I don't know." Veronica shrugged. "I just woke up... although it does sound suspicious." She looked in the direction of Chloe's bedroom door sealed. She had always thought that if the day came and Chloe did move out, she'd leave them with nothing but the Rules and Regulation paper taped to the fridge as a mocking farewell.

Bilal sat down and served himself cereal without anything more of a nod as a hello to which Veronica reciprocated with a slow blink.

"Where's Allen?" She tried to sound casual.

"He pulled an all-nighter working. He's out cold, most likely."

"Don't you guys get a break?" She frowned. "Why aren't you working?"

"Is that a serious question?" Ethan arched an eyebrow as he poured himself coffee and Bilal rolled his eyes. He opened his mouth to snap something, but it evaporated at the sight of a complete stranger emerging from the hallways.

All three pairs of eyes shot to him. Veronica's content of her spoon almost spilled on her shirt, Ethan may have overpoured coffee and it now dripped on his shoes, while Bilal's chewing slowed as his eyes narrowed skeptically.

"Good morning." The man smiled. His cheeks were flushed and if it weren't for the state of shock she was in, Veronica would find him adorable. "I'm Todd. Sorry for intruding... I was just leaving."

"Oh, don't worry about it." Veronica's heart stuttered and she flashed him a smile. Damn. He was cute.

Ethan seemed to have blinked back into reality. "If you were with Dan, I gotta ask, how were you able to do it with millions of eyes watching you." Ethan smiled tightly and Bilal chuckled.

The man's brows pulled together, and he offered a polite smile. "I'm - uh..."

As if on cue, Danielle emerged from her bedroom with her hair tied in the messiest ponytail and pajama almost torn up at the collar. She stopped midway the moment she saw the stranger standing. "You're new," she remarked as she took a seat beside Veronica, who was watching her with mild confusion.

Veronica laughed. "You don't remember sleeping with the guy-"

"Todd," he shyly corrected.

"Todd. Jeez, Dan." She laughed. Both Danielle and Todd exchanged looks before Danielle turned back to Veronica with a grave look.

"I thought it was you, last night."

"Pfft. No-"

"No, no, I was with Chloe..." The man ushered at the bedroom behind him.

One could hear a pin drop.

Tension grew tight in the room and it was becoming harder to properly breathe as they all held back theatrical gasps. Bilal's smile had utterly vanished and his emotions were getting the best of him, creating chaos inside of his brain as he felt not only shocked but betrayed by his expectations and it made him angry.

All eyes were now inspecting the stranger with judgmental, watchful looks. He awkwardly shifted from one foot to another.

"So...uh, it was nice meeting you." He cleared his throat and nodded once. "I'm going to go now."

No one was able to reply. It wasn't until the door closed that Danielle was brought back to the situation.

"Did she... is he... what?"

The question was hanging in the air: What the fuck happened to Aiden?

"Am I missing something?" Ethan frowned. It took him ten seconds before he was able to speak again. "What the fuck?"

"Uh..." Veronica's eyes swept to look at Bilal, whose face dropped. She watched as he processed the information like the rest of them, and she almost felt sorry for him even though he was hardly showing any signs that he was anything but surprised.

Chloe's bedroom door opened and all heads whipped to look at her, except for Bilal whose patience was running thin at the way he was feeling, adamant on pulling himself out of the situation - on shutting himself off. Chloe halted when she saw the rest inspect her like she had grown two heads.

She had been awake for a long time, already took a shower in the morning, and dressed. The moment Todd woke up, she smiled and thanked him. He asked for her number and she deflated the request by wishing him a good day.

She cleared her throat, pulling her posture straighter. "Good morning." Her heart throbbed against her chest when she saw Bilal sitting. She held back a wince.

Fuck (2).

She took the empty seat, shuffling around as she prepared her peanut butter and jam toast and ignoring the expectant looks from her relatives. Bilal snuck a look at her appearance, instantly looking away as it became physically painful to so much as sit there.

"Are you..." Ethan was the first to break the silence as he thought of a coherent sentence. "Are you gonna explain what's going on, or...?"

And just like that, he opened the can of worms.

The girls were practically screaming as they questioned and jumped to conclusions: "Who the hell was that!" "What happened to Aiden?" "Does he know?" "Did you guys break up?" "Impossible." "From where you got a guy as cute as this one?" "Main issue!" "Right!"

"Stop!" They sealed their lips shut when Chloe glowered. Her head was painfully pounding, and she could feel her pulse in her temple. No matter how much water she drank she still could feel the alcohol blurring her logical trail of thoughts. She hated being hungover.

Danielle leaned in and asked in a small voice: "Did you come at least?"

Chloe sputtered and her face turned red, she shot her the darkest glare and Veronica doubled in laughter.

"Ugh." Ethan palmed his face, shaking his head. Bilal wasn't there; he was blocking the entire conversation.

Danielle was unapologetic; she pulled the wide puppy eyes. "That's a serious question!"

"Stop it!"

"I'm gonna assume that's a no." Veronica added a 'w' to the pronunciation at the end of the no.

"I would say for once stop faking it and ask for what you want," Danielle insisted. Chloe kept stirring her bowl, suddenly at a loss of appetite.

"What about Aiden?" Ethan asked like it was the most important question. Chloe shrugged.

"We broke up on Christmas," she mumbled. She caught Bilal whip his head to face her from her peripheral vision, and she grew increasingly aware of his presence and acute stare, wanting nothing more than for earth to split and swallow her whole.

Bilal was torn between acting normal, and just leaving right at the sound of that statement. He decided he didn't want to stick around for this. He pushed his chair and wordlessly left the room, not even making a sound. They were all focused on Chloe's news drop they didn't realize he left until they heard the click of the door.

Chloe felt she could breathe now, a heavy breath escaping her lips and she dropped her head in her palms, gulping down at the painful feeling of her throat swelling.

"Uhm..." Ethan frowned as he looked at the door in confusion at Bilal's sudden departure. He exchanged glances with Danielle and Veronica who signaled for him to leave. He hesitated, but Danielle started making hurried movements to shoe him away and he stood, stepping back and right outside.

The moment the door closed, Chloe let out a soft sniff and her hands slid to hold her forehead. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were wet.

"Hey..." Danielle stood to sit by her sister's side, slide an arm around her and pull her close to her shoulder. Veronica stood and lingered by the side, feeling slight discomfort and ending up patting Chloe on the shoulder.

"I can't deal with this." Chloe shook her head as a sob escaped her throat, and it was like the snap she needed to allow the rest of the tears to freely stream down her cheeks. She turned into a mess in mere seconds, and Danielle tightened her grip around her. "I thought I could, but I can't." She was shaking her head repeatedly. Veronica handed her a box of tissues. "It's like..." She was sobbing and Danielle shushed her gently.

"You don't have to talk about it now, Chlo," Veronica reminded with tenderness in her voice.

"I thought it was the right thing to do."

Silence settled as she tried to pull herself together, sitting up straight. Danielle disagreed, pulling her back down.

"Let it all out."

Chloe nodded, her cries growing louder as she poured out the feelings she caged for the past five days. She had convinced herself she was fine - that everything was fine. That she got out of a relationship that had brought her more pain than joy, that she should be relieved.

She pushed away any negative emotion and thought of the good. She shouldn't be sad. She should be happy! But she couldn't. She went to bars trying to regain the things she lost when she had been in a relationship with Aiden. She was desperately trying to fix this. She didn't realize she was hurting herself by trying to avoid the bigger issue. She didn't realize that by avoiding pain, it was only digging a deeper hole inside of her; she was invalidating her own feelings.

It was okay to feel grief.

She might feel liberated from Aiden but she felt she had wasted years of her life, building something that was destroyed in under a day - but she started to see that it had been slowly disintegrating and finally crashed under the final blow.

Veronica reached for her hand and squeezed, rubbing soothing circles on her skin. "It's okay not to be okay."

"What's up?" Ethan frowned as he closed the front door of his apartment behind him. Bilal looked over at him, eyes wide as he frowned and shrugged.

"Nothing." His answer was defensive, and Ethan noticed as he watched him heavily drop on the couch.

"Doesn't sound like nothing to me."

"Drop it." Bilal reached for the remote and flipped through the channels in a hopeless attempt to find anything to tune Ethan, and his own thoughts, out.

Ethan opened his mouth to press on the issue but was cut off by the sound of knocking.

He pulled the door open and his brows pulled together at the sight of Allen leaning against the doorway, dark circles under his eyes and face paler than usual. He looked like he was about to pass out.

"A zombie got to you?"

"Did not expect to find you here," Allen stated as he straightened and got inside.

"Then why bother?" Ethan followed after him.

"Depends on what you scored." Today, Ethan scored being at home a thousand and one time as opposed to the thousand ones he'd be at the girls' place. He headed for the kitchen and opened the cupboard. "I'm out of coffee."

"You're always out of coffee. One more bag and you're turning into this maniac." He pointed at Bilal.

"Make one for me too, will you?" The latter absently asked as he settled on Law and Order.

"No, don't." Ethan was quick to shoot Allen a look, who replied with an arch of the eyebrow. "Help me out here, Bilal's bummed out."

"I'm fine," Bilal hissed in exasperation.

Allen took one look at him, held it for three seconds, then went back to his coffee. "He's not fine."

"Ha!" Ethan exclaimed and rushed for the coffee table to snatch the remote away from Bilal who had reached for it to turn the volume up. Bilal glared.

"I'm fine." He insisted. He realized he was trying to convince himself more than convince them - which was a poor tactic anyway. "Whatever." He stood and pushed past them.

"Where you going?" Ethan questioned and Bilal rolled his eyes as he stood by the bathroom door.

"You better not harass me in there," he threatened and slammed the door after him, Ethan's voice blurred as he yelled: "I'll think about it!"

He shook his head and turned to look at Allen, eyebrow raising. "What about your mess?"

Allen swallowed a large gulp and sat down on the couch. "I've been up since yesterday trying to figure out what to do with AI and machine learning for customer experience. Zach's been getting on my fucking nerves with his 'exciting ideas'. You know they made him head of the UX Department now?"

"Instead of Olga? How come? She's phenomenal."

"Beats me."

"You need help with AI?"

He wiped his palm across his face. "No, it's all good. But I've been a little distracted, that's all."

Ethan sighed as he took a seat by his side. "I'm gonna go ahead and ask what's bothering you, seeing as I'm everybody's therapist today."

"Clearly, not a good one."

"Did Ronnie talk to you, by the way?"

Allen's pulse skipped. She was precisely his distraction. "About?"

"Well, she told me she applied to Sanford. Some job in marketing."

Allen made sure to stay neutral. He took a sip of his mug as he thought over his answer. "She did, actually." He held his eye briefly before he averted them to the TV. "I told her I'll see what I can do."

"Great." Ethan smiled and patted his shoulder. "Thanks."

Allen waved his hand dismissively, looking for a way to drop the issue. Bilal got out of the bathroom then and took back his seat. Ethan assessed him with narrowed eyes while the former ignored his existence.

The front door was pushed open and Ethan swiveled his head to the movement. Allen's heart stopped at the sight of Veronica rushing in and leaned back as he felt a pulsing sensation in his temple.

"Ethan, quick! I need the pack of cookie dough you bought that you thought you were going to bake."

"I was getting to it," Ethan said defensively as he rounded the counter to stand behind her.

She turned to face him. "And, by the way, I watched highlights about that Pierre Lux guy," she started, looking back down to rummage through the packages, "and you're right, he is entitled."

"Why Pierre Lux?"

Veronica jumped with a gasp, twisting around to find Allen sitting by the couch. He surely knew who Pierre Lux was and her heart squeezed at the thought she'd been caught. She swallowed, looking for an exit. "No reason. Just interested in F1."

Allen arched an eyebrow. "You're interested in F1?"

Veronica was known to have zero interest in sports. She didn't understand the concept of sitting through a two-hour match that could have easily been boring and a waste of her time (3). Everyone knew it. Allen knew it for sure. She felt he could smell her bullshit no matter how far away he sat but she kept a straight face, looking for anything else to add to prove she was really into it and wasn't watching for the sake of studying who might be an ex-boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend.

"Yes." She tipped her chin up in challenge.

"Oh?" Allen's eyes narrowed as he tested, "who's your favorite driver?"

Veronica didn't bat an eyelash. "At first it was Hamilton-"

"He's a British diva." Ethan rolled his eyes.

"Oh c'mon, have you seen him talk? I could swoon on his voice alone."

"Yes, that is the most important quality in a driver-"

"He's a six-time world champion!"

"Cause he has a strong car. All he does is whine!"

"Whatever! Anyway, Charles Leclerc is."

Ethan arched an eyebrow. "Is it because he's pretty?"

"Fuck off. That's just a bonus. He's actually really good."

Ethan chuckled. "He is. But no one beats Vettel to me."

"Except for Lewis with his six-"

Ethan was about to lecture. "Veronica-"

"I know, I know." She laughed, skipping steps to reach Allen while Ethan muttered under his breath in annoyance. She planted her elbows on the back of the couch and faced him, leaning down to get a little closer.

"What's with the mood?" She tilted her head, a small smile dancing on her lips. He swallowed, eyes skipping down to her mouth and back up instantly. He held her gaze, but his eyes were empty. He had a layer of impassiveness plastered on his skin, features relaxed. Veronica felt uneasiness pull at her gut, heat sliding in her veins. She wasn't used to that side of him.

"How's your arm?" He averted the subject and she planted her palms on the furniture instead and straightened only a little.

"It's good."

"Aren't you supposed to do physiotherapy?"

She shrugged. "Probably."

"Probably?"

"My parents think it's not necessary. I don't have enough money in my account to do it behind their back." She shrugged. "Once I'm financially stable, I will." Her eyes gleamed at the thought. "I'll be able to do anything I want."

Allen stared at her flatly. Seconds later he shook his head, looking back down. The more he looked at her, the greater the desire to pull her down to him grew. It was dangerous to him just how consuming the thought was.

Something was wrong, and Veronica didn't like the idea. She was used to being the one doing all the pushing away, having Allen do it was a little unnerving. It terrified her to be on the receiving end.

Don't be selfish, she thought when the idea he was annoyed with her clouded her judgment and seeded doubt in her mind, it doesn't always have to be about you.

She swallowed and leaned back down, making sure Ethan and Bilal were too enthralled in their conversation as they changed the channel to a rewind of the 2016 Austrian Grand Prix. The volume of the commentators was loud enough to conceal her low voice.

Her heart was in her throat. She placed her forearms on top of each other and hid her mouth behind them as she spoke. "You okay?" She nudged his shoulder lightly with two fingers. Allen swallowed as he angled his head to face her, his gaze softening.

He nodded, ignoring the tightness in his chest. "Yeah."

"Okay."

Her hazel eyes brightened, and she offered a small smile, hiding her discomfort. She stood up and just as she was about to leave, he hooked his finger in her pinkie, pulling her back gently. Veronica was caught off guard, the simple movement almost knocking her off balance. He felt the urge to kiss her. But he didn't.

"Sorry. It's just work."

Veronica giggled. It was effortless and made his heart plummet in his chest. "You don't have to apologize."

"I do."

She paused, and after a few seconds, bit down her bottom lip, nodding. "Okay."

She dipped her head down, and her lips grazed his skin, planting the softest kiss on his cheek.

And fuck it, he was screwed.

The three girls had different taste in movies. Danielle loathed horror, so it was out of the question because she wasn't ready to have nightmares about them for a month. Chloe told her that her room was enough of a nightmare but she agreed anyway because she wasn't ready to have Danielle knock on her door in the middle of the night for the rest of the month.

They settled on Tangled, because aside from it being a Disney movie, it portrayed the aspects of emotionally abusive parents - a topic they could all relate to.

Once the credits rolled, the girls snuggled under the blankets with empty mugs of hot chocolate that Danielle volunteered to refill.

"You owe me one," Chloe countered. "What were you thinking asking me that in front of everyone?" She scowled.

"Ask you what?" Danielle widened her eyes innocently.

"What else!"

Danielle offered a sheepish look and Veronica snorted. "I mean, I know we're joking and all." She addressed her cousin seriously. "But seriously, Chlo, have you never, y'know...came?"

Chloe rolled her eyes and sunk deeper on the couch, shrugging. "I take too long."

Danielle frowned. "You sure it's not him getting there too soon?" It wasn't a joke, if it was, the venom underlying it wiped the humor out of it.

"How long does he take?" Veronica's ears prickled with curiosity.

Chloe groaned. "I'm not gonna tell you the details!"

"Why not!" Veronica squealed.

"Because it's weird!"

"Just tell us a time!" Danielle countered, rushing to sit next to her as she placed the tray of mugs on the coffee table. Chloe huffed, crossing her arms tightly against her chest.

"I mean... sometimes forty minutes."

Danielle's eyebrows pulled together. "That's not so bad."

Veronica arched an eyebrow, probing. "And now?"

Chloe's teeth tightened and she flickered her earlobe, shrugging again. Danielle's eyes narrowed.

"Twenty?"

Chloe's cheeks heated, huffing. "I feel bad! I don't want to talk about it-"

"Fifteen - ten?" Her sister pushed further, and Chloe slapped her palm against her forehead.

"It's gotta be more than ten." Veronica's eyes were wide, growing wider at Chloe's avoidant gaze.

"Oh God, please tell me he at least tries to wait for you." Danielle shook her head in disparagement.

"Well, he doesn't really know."

"What, you mean... you fake it?"

Chloe shrugged, nails digging under the skin of her ear.

"For five years you have faked it?" Veronica was stunned.

"My body is hard to please." She shrugged awkwardly, rubbing her earlobe. "Besides, it's not all about getting there."

"Right, it's about the process, but who cares about the process if it's not pleasant as well."

Danielle frowned. "Doesn't it occur to you, that maybe it's not your body that's hard to please? That the person you're with is just inconsiderate?"

"What? No. Aiden's considerate."

"You were able to get there when you were first together?" Veronica asked objectively.

"This is a very uncomfortable conversation."

Danielle shoved her knee. "We don't care. It's important. Spill."

"Well, yeah... But it took a long time."

"How long?"

"I don't know... probably like... an hour and a half? If I'm thinking too much I can't really..."

"Oh." Veronica reached for her mug. "So, when did you start faking?"

Chloe swallowed, her arms pressed tightly to her body. She shrugged, face heating. Veronica's eyes narrowed.

"Why did you start faking?" She formulated her question. "Didn't you guys talk about it?"

Chloe shrugged again. Danielle and Veronica exchanged glances. Her sister gently poked her shoulder. "Hey," She softly poked. "This is the no-judge zone. You know you can tell us anything."

Chloe cleared her throat, crossing her ankles and rubbing the back of her ear until it turned raw. Veronica reached for her wrist and lightly peered it away from her skin. Her throat was tight, and it took her a few minutes to talk, the girls remaining quiet, slight dread creeping their insides.

"I just think... Maybe something's wrong with me and my body can't... get there when I'm with someone."

"Are these your words, or his?" Veronica tried to keep her tone leveled.

Chloe huffed, reaching for her earlobe again. "He tried. But it was getting in the way of our relationship-"

"Because it hurt his fucking ego?" Danielle questioned and Veronica shot her a look to hold it for a second.

"I mean... he just felt bad. Like I was blaming him. Even though I wasn't. And when I tried to suggest ways that might help, he felt even worse because he couldn't get me there on his own. He was just being considerate, and I didn't want it to ruin what we had..."

"Acting wounded when you have difficulty to orgasm isn't out of care or concern." Her sister countered. "He didn't try to fix it. Did he?"

Chloe shrugged.

"He's taking it personally. It's like making you orgasm is all about himself. He cares about his own validation. This shouldn't be just about him; it should be about you too. About both of you. I can't believe the nerve on the dickhead."

"But I mean I understand why it hurt him... he just wants to be able to give me back what I give him."

"Chloe, there's nothing wrong with you," Veronica gently spoke, Danielle's anger was enough to cool her nerves. "Dan's right. He's being selfish about this."

"I don't understand if it doesn't feel good, why did you stay with him for so long?"

"Aiden knows me. We've spent five years together. Could you imagine having to start over with someone else? I just-it's terrifying. Have I even made the right choice leaving him?"

"If he doesn't care about pleasing you, and shames you for it, then I think you're better off."

"You're scared of starting over but you can find someone better." Veronica translated in a gentler tone. "Someone who wouldn't treat you like you're not worthy after five years."

______________________________

(1) Yeah right.

(2) Language.

(3) Her time of lying around doing nothing, that is.