SEPTEMBER 2007

Alex was tired of the summer holidays but he was dreading school even more.

He lay in bed the night before his first day of junior year, with his face pressed into the pillow. It was hard to breathe but Alex liked it that way, somehow. He wonders how he ever looked forward to school.

Alex groans and turns beneath the sheet so that he is facing the ceiling. Cold air tickles his face and he takes a deep breath and mentally tells himself to suck it up. Everybody goes to school, for God's sake. He tries to list the reasons why he should be looking forward to school but he doesn't get much further than a) Ruth b) Jem is joining. And besides, Jem would start school tomorrow, not today.

Alex closes his eyes tightly, desperate for sleep but sleep doesn't come. He lies in bed for hours, watching the rising sun make shadows dance on his ceiling.

When his alarm clock begins beeping at seven o'clock, Alex has already brushed his teeth and contemplating what to wear. Before today, he hadn't really paid attention to his appearance at school because who did he have to impress? Who do I have to impress now? he asks himself, feeling stupid.

Alex chooses a plain green t-shirt and a pair of relatively clean jeans and throws them on the bed before he goes to shower. He lets the cold water hit him squarely in the face and doesn't close his eyes as he washes his face. He applies some soap on the scrub and scrubs his arms a little too hard and when it doesn't hurt, he scrubs harder. The water glistens over Alex's reddened forearms and the coolness of it reassures Alex. The constant, rhythmic patter of water against the glass and the prickling in his arms soothes him and he closes his eyes. His arms scream in pain but Alex doesn't notice or care- the water is too loud, anyway.

The water keeps on running and Alex doesn't open his eyes, drinking in every moment he can keep them closed. When he finally shuts off the water and comes out of the bathroom wrapped in his towel, does he finally realize how hard he had scrubbed his arm. It prickles and tingles and the slightest touch pains. Worst of all, his forearms are an angry red colour and Alex knows if he had continued for a little longer, he could have done some serious damage.

He wets his towel and takes turns pressing it to his arms.

Alex checks his clock and curses out loud. He throws the towel aside and hastily dresses himself, trying to ignore the pain in his arms. He briefly considers wrapping two wet towels on his forearms but the idea sounds stupid, even to his own years. He throws on his jacket but his skin burns whenever the cloth touches it. Alex runs his fingers through his wet hair and grabs his bag pack before rushing to the kitchen.

The brightness of the day blinds Alex for a few moments. Since his own curtains were closed, he didn't see how sunny a day it was and how obviously hot it was going to get.

Alex's mom is grabbing a quick bite before she leaves for work. She usually chugs down a coffee and makes herself a quick sandwich which she eats on the way to work but today, probably in honor of Alex's first day, she is sitting sharply dressed for work at the table engrossed in something on her phone. A jar of juice, fresh toast and two plates of fried eggs sit on the table. Alex pulls up a chair, "Morning."

She looks up. "Good morning. Aren't you running a little late?"

"Just a few minutes."

His mom frowns and keeps his phone away. "Alex, it's warm out."

Alex smiles at her reassuring, ignoring the blaring pain in his arms. "No, it's okay. I'll take it off if I feel chilly."

His mom doesn't think too much about it. She offers Alex toast. "Butter?"

"No, thanks."

The egg is a little cold but Alex polishes it off. He doesn't say a word and neither does his mom until finally she asks, "You didn't take any juice?"

Alex hesitates. He didn't take any juice because he didn't want any, but he was too tired to argue. "I'll take some now."

"Pass me your glass." She holds out her hand.

Alex passes her his glass and accidentally bangs his arm against the table while returning his hand to his lap. Alex closes his hand in a fist and grimaces in pain.

His mother notices. She frowns. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

She gives him a long, hard look. She pours him a glass of grape juice and places it next to his plate. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine." Alex answers in a controlled voice. He'd made up his mind to be a little nicer to his mom and he was sure as shit going to try to stick to it.

"You're a hundred percent sure, Alex?"

As hard as it gets. "Yep." He sips his juice and squints at the bitterness of it.

His mom is still watching him so Alex quickly chugs down the glass and places it on the table. He stands up and slings his bag pack over his shoulder. "I'm leaving."

"Have a good day." His mom says in a careful voice.

"Yeah." Alex rushes of the house. As soon as he's out of his mom's sight, he rolls up his jacket sleeves and touches his forearms with the hand he held the chilled glass of juice with. The touch hurts but the coolness of his hand soothes the pain for a few seconds. His arm erupts in pain as soon as he takes his hand off.

Alex realizes he must be considerably late and he didn't want to start off his year with detention so he mutters a frustrated, "Fuck you," to his arms before he rolls down his jacket sleeves.

*

Ruth throws her arms around Alex when she sees him and Alex gladly hugs her back. His forearms erupt in pain when he embraces her and he accidentally bites his tongue. The harsh, metallic taste of blood fills his mouth. He swallows hard.

Ruth swats his arm when she breaks apart from him. "You didn't come to any of my parties, you asshat."

"Sorry."

"Don't say 'sorry', you little idiot." She grins. "How've you been?"

"Okay. You?"

"Swell. What'd you do all summer?"

"I worked at the movies. Didn't you know that?" Alex frowns at her.

"Why would I know that? You never told me."

"'Course I told you."

Ruth frown at him in concern. "You didn't."

Alex frowns back at her. "Quit messing with me, Ruth."

Ruth crosses her arms, her eyebrows still creased into a frown. "Seriously. You didn't. Stop being weird. Anyway, whatever. How did that go?"

Alex takes a shaky breath but he is prepared to let it go. He believes Ruth more than he believes himself anyway. "It was okay. I saw like half the school."

"Sucks."

"You're friends with half the school."

Ruth smiles at him mischievously. "Oh, well."

"Oh, and Jem's joining school," Alex tells her. He can hear the giddy excitement in his voice as he says it.

Ruth's eyes widen. "Oh, yeah. You told me. Where's he?"

"He's starting tomorrow."

"Wow, that's cool," She says. "I can't wait to meet him. You know, after you blabbing on about him nonstop for the past few months. I mean Jesus."

"Yeah." Alex forces a tight lipped smile.

Ruth spots someone else and bides Alex farewell before leaving him standing awkwardly next to her locker. He makes his way to his own locker, avoiding couples leaning against lockers and ducking to avoid paper balls. He thinks of Jem coming to school to find that Alex has been talking about him nonstop to Ruth. Alex flushes. He stops at his locker and places on hand on it. Did he really talk about Jem so much? Would Jem get creeped out?

Since Ruth had moved to town just two years ago, she had never known Jem at school. Would Jem get creeped out if she knew so much about him? Alex pictures Ruth meeting Jem and saying something like, 'Alex has told me everything about you!' And Jem being himself, would obviously smile his genuine trouble maker smile that made Alex go weak in the knees and say something witty. Then Jem would slowly start avoiding Alex because Alex is a desperate creep – stop, Alex thinks. He slams his hand on the locker, making it rattle. A few people stare at him. Alex opens his locker even though he has nothing to take and nothing to keep.

He knows he's being foolish. He knows for a fact that Jem wouldn't do anything like that but that doesn't help him stop thinking about it all day.

He sat through Chemistry II, thinking of Jem sitting at the desk next to him tomorrow. Was he even taking Chemistry? He must be.

Alex tells himself to stop being such an idiot but that doesn't help because he knows he's an idiot. The constant pain in his arms further annoys him to the point that he's ready to saw his arms off. And probably his head too. You're being an unreasonable idiot, he tells himself. He rolls the words around in his head but Jem's disappointed, politely creeped out face clouds everything else.

So the next time he sees Ruth in the hallway he makes his way up to her and says, "I have to talk to you."

She is holding a thick book in her hand. She cradles it like a baby as she looks at Alex with concern. "What? Okay."

Alex runs his tongue over his dry lips, carefully thinking of what to say next. "Don't um... Tomorrow when Jem comes, don't... uh"-

"Spit it out, Alex."

Alex struggles for the words. Ruth's gaze on him is a little scary and it slightly throws him off. "Don't like, be all... Don't go overboard. I mean, don't say 'Alex talks so much about you! All the time!' and all."

Ruth looks a little taken aback. "I was joking today, Alex."

"Oh."

"Yeah, obviously." Ruth frowns at him. "I was kidding, dumbass. And I wouldn't say that to him. Obviously. Do you think I'm stupid?"

"Oh. No."

"Yeah. Why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?"

"You're like, all sweaty." She carefully places her hand on his shoulder. "In fact, you look terrible. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Seriously, Alex. Don't be a jackass. Do you have a fever or something?"

Alex didn't let anyone talk to him like Ruth did. She glared up at him fiercely like a short, brightly burning fire. He tried to think of a conversation he'd had with her where she hadn't constantly called him names and used a scandalizing-to-most-people amount of profanity. He couldn't even build up the courage to snap at her. "I don't have a fever."

Ruth ignores him and steps forward. She touches his cheek with the back of her back. "Yes you do. You're hot."

"I'm glad you think that, Ruth. You are too."

Ruth punches his arm. "Stop playing around, you ugly radish. I think you've got fever or something."

"I told you I'm fine." Alex retorts. A fever would explain his irritation and the fact that his whole body was aching but since there was nothing that could be done about it, Alex shrugs. "Actually maybe I do."

"I'm pretty sure you do."

"Uh huh."

"You want to go to the nurse's office?"

Alex rolls his eyes at her. "Seriously?"

"You're right, stupid idea." She shrugs. "Just hang in there for a while, okay? It's the last period anyway."

"Yeah."

"And stop being weird."

"Okay."

*

Alex did indeed, have slight fever. He collapsed on his bed as soon as he came home (which hurt his left arm and made him yell in pain) and fell into a dreamless, peaceful sleep. He was woken up by his mom who looked like she had just come home from work. She was a little frantic because Alex wasn't picking up his phone and said she found him crashed on his bed, fast asleep.

"Alex." Alex slowly opens his eyes. He can see the hazy figure of his mother sitting beside him on the bed. A warm hand gently strokes his forehead. Alex rubs the sleep out of his eyes but doesn't sit up. His mom continues to affectionately stroke his forehead and says, "Were you sleeping since you came home?"

"I guess so." Alex croaks.

"Are you feeling alright?" She asks. "You're burning up."

"I don't know. Not really." Now that he's awake, the pain in his arms is shooting through his already aching body again, making him nauseous. Alex closes his burning eyes and takes a deep breath.

"Don't you want to take off your jacket?" She asks.

"It's okay."

"Come on." His mom says. She helps him stand up and removes the comforter. Alex crawls under it and lets his mom tuck him into bed, like hasn't since he was eight. He closes his eyes again because keeping them open was proving to be too difficult and tears were starting to pool in his eyes.

His mother's voice rings in his ears, "Have you eaten anything?"

"No."

"I'm going to check your fever, okay? Then I'll get you something to eat. Don't go to sleep."

"Okay."

Alex did conk off for a minute or two until his mom returned with a thermometer and took his fever. Alex didn't know for a fact if he did have fever because he didn't open his eyes and his mom didn't say a word to him. He woke to his mother shaking his shoulder gently, holding a plate of sandwiches and a glass of water. "Here. Eat something."

"I don't want to eat anything." Alex groans.

She places the plate on his bed side. "You don't have too much of a fever."

"Do I?"

"A little."

"Oh."

"So I'm not giving you any medicine or anything, okay? Just eat something and go to sleep."

"I'm not hungry."

"Alex." She reaches forward to place her hand on his arm. Alex winces in pain. His arms feel a little sore but the pain has subsided considerably.

His mom has changed into a comfortable jumper and tied her hair into a ponytail. She hands him a sandwich and he takes it but doesn't bite into it.

"Alex." She chides.

Alex takes a small bite. He can taste lettuce and mayonnaise and something else- cheese, probably? He inhales the sandwich in a minute and reaches out for the other.

His mom ruffles his hair and pushes it away from his face like she used to when he was really little and used to climb into her bed when he was scared. Thunderstorms used to scare Alex so much that he would crawl into bed and lie beside his mom. She would almost always wake up but she never complained even though there wasn't enough space and she would be almost falling off the bed.

Then his dad would yell at him to man up and go to his room. Sometimes Alex would cry and argue with him until he got yelled at. Sometimes he would go back to his room and spend the rest of the night hiding under the cover, his body stiff and alert and his face stained with dried tears. He would curse his father with as much intensity as a four year could.

Alex finishes his sandwich and wipes the breadcrumbs from his shirt. He pulls the comforter a little closer to himself. His mom sits at his bedside for a minute or two more, constantly ruffling his hair. Finally she speaks up, "I have to prepare a presentation, Alex. Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Yep." He says.

"Okay, then." She stands up and kisses his forehead. She pushes his hair form his face and regards him with a warm smile. "Go to sleep."
"Yeah." Alex ditches his jacket as soon as she leaves the room and snuggles beneath the cover and closes his eyes.

*

Alex doesn't wake up till the morning when his mom shuts off his blaring alarm clock. He blinks and holds up his hand to block the sunlight. Why are the blinds even open?

"I didn't hear it." He croaks. He must have slept for more than twelve hours straight but his limbs feel tires and sore as if he has run a marathon.

"Are you well enough to go to school?" His mom asks. She cups his cheek. "You're still warm."

"I don't know. I don't think so."

"Okay, then. I'll call the school."

"Alright, thanks." Then Alex remembers. "But today's Jem first day."

His mom stops at the door. She turns around and smiles thinly. "I know. But you don't have to go to school because of that, Alex."

"Yeah, I know. I'm just saying."

She nods. "He called, by the way. Jem."

"Yeah?"

"Yep. Last night. I told him you're sleeping."

"Oh. Okay."

She nods again. "You're sure you don't want to me to stay at home?"

"What? God, no. It's okay." Alex answers quickly. "I'll probably be sleeping all day, anyway."

"Alright. I'll go call the school." She leaves without closing the door behind her.

Alex looks at his arms beneath the covers and to his relief, his skin has healed considerably. It's still pink and the pain is still there, like a constant reminder of his foolishness but it's much better than yesterday.

*

Alex sleeps for a few hours. He wakes up a little after noon, feeling like a dead slug but a fresh dead slug. He showers quickly (and avoids using the scrub) and makes himself a grilled cheesed sandwich and switches on the TV. He finds nothing else except for Pride and Prejudice, a movie his mom ardently loves.

He is still watching TV when the doorbell rings. Alex frowns. It's too early for his mom to return and he had nobody else that would come to visit. Unless his mom has come home early to take care of him. Alex throws on his jacket and stretches lazily as walks to the door.

He is a little short of surprised to see Jem standing there, a red bag pack hanging between his shoulder blades. "Hey."

"Hey." Alex says. He lets Jem in and closes the door, still looking at him in awe.

"I heard you're sick." Jem says. He takes of his bag pack and places in on the kitchen counter. He leans on it and regards Alex with a thin smile.

"Yeah, sort of."

"How're you feeling?"

"I'm fine now, I guess. I slept for like, twenty hours." Alex shrugs. Then he lightly punches Jem's arm and grins. "How was it?"

"School?"

"What else, idiot?"

"It was good." He grins. "It was really good."

Alex wonders how long Jem will be able to say that and how long it will take for him to start hating school.

"I met your Ruth, by the way," Jem says.

Alex's mind instantly goes on red alert. Then he tells himself to stop being an idiot. "What'd she say?"

"She just came up to me and went, 'You're Jem, right?' and I was like, 'yeah.' She's nice." He pauses. "Also a little scary."

"Isn't she?" Alex lets out a short laugh. "Did anyone remember you?"

Jem snorts but he doesn't look annoyed. "Yeah. A few people. They said 'hi' and all, nothing else."

"So you were by yourself the whole day?"

"Mostly. But your Ruth invited me to her table at lunch."

Alex feels a rush of affection for Ruth. He smiles. "Well, I'm there tomorrow."

"Ah, my knight in shining armor."

"More like pajamas."

Jem smiles playfully and punches his left arm. Alex lets out a yelp of pain. His hand flies up to cover his mouth a little too late. Jem frowns at him. He walks up to Alex and regards him with concerned eyes and furrowed eyebrows. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just... you punched me to hard."

"No, I didn't," Jem says carefully. His eyes run over Alex's face and then to his arms. "Why are you wearing a jacket, anyway? It's like a hundred degrees outside."

"I'm sick." Alex says pathetically. He doesn't look at Jem.

Jem breathes heavily. "Alex."

"What?"

"Look at me."

Alex does. Jem looks back at him and Alex can see his green jacket reflected in the brown of his eyes. Alex slightly shifts his head and the sunlight he'd been blocking lights up Jem's eyes, blocking out the green. Alex thinks of how he could spend eternity just looking into Jem's eyes and naming the different colours they turn when the sunlight falls on them.

"What did you do?" Jem asks.

"Whatever it is you think I did, I didn't." Alex says in a carefully measured voice.

"Lift up your jacket sleeve."

"What? Why?"

"Please."

Alex does nothing.

"Alex."

Alex slowly pushes up his jacket sleeve and winces a little as the coarse clothes slides over his skin. If Jem is surprised, he doesn't show it.

Jem looks at his forearm with incredible sadness and wistfulness. His eyebrows arch into each other and he looks at Alex and his lips form a single word- a question really, but the worst of them all; "Why?"

"I don't know."

Jem takes his arm and pushes the jacket sleeve back down; much gently than Alex did himself. Jem doesn't let go of his arm and Alex doesn't remove it. "You're such an idiot, Alex."

Alex doesn't say anything. Jem finally lets go and Alex's arm already misses his touch. "Stop doing this to yourself."

"Okay." He replies monotonously.

"When did you do it?"

"Yesterday morning."

"How bad was it?"

"Not that bad." Alex lies.

Jem lets out a frustrated breath. "Not that bad? Okay, Alex. If you ever... feel like doing something like this again, you're going to pick up the phone and call me, okay? And I'll tell you about the people that tried to shoplift and how much of an asshole my boss was and how Billie Joe Armstrong is a gift to humanity and then you'll agree and then I'll come over. And then we'll eat popcorn and watch Star Wars. Okay?"

"Okay." Alex says in a small voice.

Jem takes a deep breath. After a short pause he asks, "Why did you do it?"

"I'm not sure? I don't remember."

Jem bites his lip. "You've got to let yourself be alright."

"You don't think I do?"

"Do you think you do?"

Alex says nothing. He searches his head for an answer but nothing comes up. "I am alright."

Jem nods. He squeezes Alex's upper arm tightly. Alex waits for him to say something but only when Jem is quiet for a minute does Alex realize that there's nothing to say.

*

Alex finds it a little odd when he sees Jem at school the next day. He feels like two spheres of his life have collided together. He takes Jem around the school, points out the different people and how much he dislikes them.

Jem sits next to him in Chemistry and all Alex can think through class is how Jem would shine all through the year because he deserved to and he was capable of it. Most importantly, he was ready to give in to school unlike Alex who was tired and no longer cared anymore.

Neither Jem not Alex spoke of their conversation yesterday but Alex caught Jem sneaking peeks at his arm. (Alex had decided to ditch his jacket since his arms were almost completely back to their normal colour.)

At lunch, they sat together at a table for six people. Sometimes, Ruth would ditch her friends and join them but they were mostly alone.

Alex's hate for school began dissipating. The thought of maneuvering the school corridors with Jem at his side made Alex get out of bed every day and gather the energy to go to school. Jem would be utterly amused when he met Alex in the morning, remarking on how dead he looked. "You're going to look dead too." Alex told him.

Jem laughed. "We'll see."

*

Jem was lying on Alex's bed with an open textbook in front of him. He was taking notes in an old yellow notebook while humming to Joy Division, something Alex found weird since he couldn't concentrate as it is, but the thought of doing it with music playing seemed impossible. But he wasn't studying anyway (he'd given up) and was content to let Jem play it on speakers. Alex was with his Rubik's cube, his textbook long forgotten.

"You should really study." Jem tells at him over the music. He is lying on his belly, with his feet in the air- a position Alex often finds himself sitting in too.

Alex shrugs. "I can't hear myself think over the music."

"Shall I switch it off or something?"

"No, I wasn't studying anyway."

Jem rolls his eyes. "We have a quiz tomorrow, you idiot."

"I am aware, Jeremy." Alex answers. His fingers work tirelessly on the Rubik's cube even though he isn't really trying to solve it. Something about shifting around the plain squares in his hands made Alex feel like he was creating his own art. He was trying to make shapes with the colours and was now concentrating on making a candy cane. Jem sighs. He walks up to Alex and hands him his textbook before pausing the music. He sits on Alex's study table, with his legs dangling over the edge. He smells of soap and pepper; a homely, familiar scent that Alex didn't even know he loved. "If you're not planning to study, you can quiz me."

Alex balances the book on his lap, still working on the Rubik's cube. "What do you want me to ask you? You know it."

"Quiz me, Alex." Jem chides.

"You're so irritating." Alex complains. He exchanges the Cube for the textbook and squints at it. He looks at Jem helplessly. "This hurts to look at."

Jem rolls his eyes and snatches the books away. "You're such a drama queen."

"You're such a nerd."

"You're such an idiot."

"Can't argue with that."

Jem laughs, shaking his head. He shuts the book and tosses it on the bed. Alex resumes his task on the Rubik's cube and Jem resumes the music, bobbing his head to the tune.

Alex works on his cube for a few seconds before he proudly holds it up to Jem. "Look at what I made."

Jem takes a break from mouthing lyrics to give the Rubik's cube a long, hard look. "Is that a penis?"

Alex stares at him and then at the Rubik's cube. He blinks. "It's a candy cane."

"You've got legendary art skills, Alexander." Jem shakes his head in disdain. He closes his eyes again and bobs his head from side to side, a little haphazardly. He sings the words soundlessly as if the only song he's singing is in his head. He look so captivating and God, so beautiful that Alex allows himself a few moments to watch him before he turns away abruptly.