NOVEMBER 2007

"You are the world's biggest piece of shit!" Ruth yells. "This is the third time! Third time!"

Alex knows better than to answer so he says nothing. He shifts the phone from one ear to the other and listens to Ruth ramble without paying attention to her words. His Jedi costume is still hanging on his desk chair. He doesn't have the heart to keep it away from his sight, not when it is so spoiled with memories.

""You're such a four year old," Ruth is saying in a high pitched, irritated voice. "I don't want to share my candy."

"Look, I'm saying I'm sorry." Alex counters, and he really was. To some extent, anyway.

"Sorry doesn't give me candy, you shithead."

"Neither does yelling at me."

Ruth sighs. "Touché." She pauses for a second. "More like douché."

"Wow, great pun. You're so funny."

"Fuck you, I am funny."

*

Alex doesn't see Jem all day until lunch. He partly feels relieved and he partly feels as though someone had taken one of his legs away and he didn't know he long he could go on without it. But when he saw Jem sitting at their usual table, making rude pictographs out of his noodles with Ruth, he felt hollow. Jem was smiling his usual smile and the artificial lights made his skin look like the moon and his lips the colour of a wound. Alex recalls the first day he had seen him and thought, 'He isn't too good looking but he looks like a piece of modern art'. And modern art was ugly but Jem was enchanting to look at every time Alex did. He was like that one song you could listen to on repeat without getting bored of it.

Alex takes a deep breath and slides his tray across from Ruth and Jem and says, "Hey." His voice sounds weird even to his own ears.

"Hey, asshat." Ruth says pleasantly without looking up.

Jem glances at him and averts his eyes quickly as if making eye contact with Alex would kill him. "Hey," he says to his plate of noodles.

Alex catches Omar's eye across the room but looks away before the latter can acknowledge him. He awkwardly twirls his fork in the pile of noodles and tries to decipher what Ruth and Jem are making but it just looks like a deformed foot to him. Jem lets out a snort of laughter and buries his face in his hands. "Oh God..."

Ruth grins. "I'm such a natural at this."

"What is that?" Alex asks stupidly.

Ruth raises her eyebrows at him. "Please don't make me describe it."

Not wanting to embarrass himself further, Alex just says, "Okay." He contemplates whether or not to tell them that he got it when Jem, without a word, turns the tray so that Alex is looking at it from the correct side.

Alex still doesn't understand but he nods like he does. "Oh."

Ruth turns the tray again and rolls her eyes but Alec catches the corners of Jem's lips twitch.

*

Alex hadn't been skateboarding by himself for a really long time but he couldn't make himself call Jem. Not after today, when they barely spoke two sentences to each other. Alex took the route he had taken a hundred times before; his feet guided him almost automatically.

Alex thought he must be in shock. Last night, he'd turned over a million possible outcomes in his head and each left a bitter taste in his mouth.

He passes an old woman trying to force her grandson into a tight purple parka but he kept squirming away. "No! Girls wear purple!"

"Don't be silly, Jimmy."

He wondered what would have happened if Jem had never pulled back.

Alex's lips had met Jem for a mere few seconds and his mind was already thinking of all the things he had wanted to do, all the things he'd thought he would do if this ever happened. He wanted to run his fingers through Jem's hair and pull him closer; there was never enough of Jem Alex could absorb. He wanted to bury his face in Jem's neck and do absolutely nothing but listen to him breathe. Hell, he didn't know what he would have done if Jem hadn't pulled back. Fuck.

Alex stores his skateboard under his armpit and stuffs his hand into his jacket pocket. He shivers against the sharp breeze threatening to numb his face. He thinks of Jem saying, 'It's not surfboard.' Well fuck you, Jeremy.

The point was that Jem had pulled back. Whenever Alex repeated the thought to himself, the million shards of ice lining his stomach seemed to pierce him. He bit his lip and until it bled and the sharp metallic taste of blood filled his mouth and his lip stung. He slowly crossed the street to the parking lot, praying to the gods he didn't believe in, 'Please let a car hit me. Please, please.'

The blood was now trickling onto his chin, slowly and lazily, tickling his skin. It was a sensation Alex found pleasant and he quickly cursed himself for thinking that. I'm so sick, he thought.

He wiped the blood from his face with the sleeve of his jacket and kicked his board into the Bowl when someone let out a strangled yelp. Alex rushed forward and peeped into the bowl and his blood froze and a thousand nerve endings in his skin lit up as though they were trying to make it as obvious as they could.

"Alex?" Jem squints at him. "You're bleeding."

Jem is sitting in his usual position, with his legs folded and knees pulled up, earphones in his ears, which he quickly removes. His board is sitting a few feet away and Alex's is still slowly rolling to meet his. Even his board can't leave Jem's alone.

Alex is surprised at his own bitterness. "Uh, yeah. Hi,"  He says in a guttural voice.

"Your lip is bleeding," Jem says  softly.

"I know."

"Why is it bleeding?"

Because you kissed me, Alex thinks.

Jem seems to take his silence without complain. He bites his lower lip, his eyes wandering around to look at the sky, the ground, his board- anywhere but Alex. Every second in his presence feels like an additional pinch of salt in a stab wound and Alex flinches.

Finally, Jem asks, "You want to join me?"

There was nothing else he could do so Alex shrugs. He climbs down into the Bowl and sits beside Jem, careful that no part of their bodies touches. Jem doesn't offer him an earbud. Alex pulls his knees to himself and hugs them, partly because of the cold and party because he has nothing else to do. Alex is determined not to look at him so he isn't sure of what Jem is doing but in his peripheral vision, the other boy is twirling the earphones in his long, nimble fingers apparently determined to not look at Alex either.

The silence between them hangs heavy and thick, weighing on their shoulders until it was beginning to suffocate Alex. He stares after his board and says nothing.

"You know what Ruth's costume was?" Jem finally asks in a thick voice.

Alex doesn't look at him. "No."

"She was Princess Peach."

Alex was so shocked he forgot to not look at Jem. The close proximity made Alex's lip twitch but he exclaimed, "What?"

Jem looked at him and his eyes crinkled. Alex thought he looked a little relieved but he told himself to not count on it. "Yeah," he breathes out amid a snort of laughter. "With the whole blonde wig and the dress."

Alex imagines Ruth, with her layered 90's hair and constantly unpleasant expression, wearing a Princess Peach costume, and he cracks up. "I can't believe I missed the opportunity to see that."

"Maybe she has photos."

"Maybe."

Jem smiles with one corner of his mouth and it takes all of Alex's willpower to not look away.

*

"You know, we won't be able to skateboard for a while after this." Jem says.

"What? Why not?"

"Because it snows." Jem rolls his eyes before he kicks off, flipping the board beneath his legs and landing perfectly, looking smug.

It took a few days, but to Alex's utmost relief, things were slowly going back to normal. Being in Jem's company didn't make him want to cover his face and look away. He wasn't sure how things were going to progress from now but he decided to go with the flow. One night, he actual wept into his pillow, but after a lot of self-abusing and genuine effort from both their sides, things seemed better.

"How much does it snow?" Alex asked.

Jem went for another round and this time, his landing was a little wobbly. He gritted his teeth. "Almost one feet."

"One foot."

"Yeah, yeah."

Alex nods slowly. "But wow, really?"

"Yeah, I mean. It varies."

Alex had seen snow only once in his life and he had been eight and even that had been when he'd spent Christmas at his Grandma's house up north. It never snowed back home and even though Jem acted like it was one of the many inconveniences of winter nobody thought twice about, Alex couldn't help but be excited.

"Have you ever... made a snowman?" Alex says.

Jem looks at him a little oddly. "Yeah, obviously. Who hasn't?"

Alex raises his arm and grins at the scandalized looks Jem wears. He kicks his skateboard forward and approaches Alex who is sitting cross legged on the hard ground, his skateboard lying upside down in front of him.

"You haven't built a snowman? Ever?" Jem demands.

"No! It never snowed!"

"Wow, oh my God," Jem says. He shakes his head. "We're going to build a snowman, okay?"

"Really?" Alex made a face.  "We're sixteen, for God's sake."

"I'm sixteen, you're not."

"My birthday is this month!"

"Has it passed yet? No. So you're not sixteen. You're a kid."

Alex turns over his skateboard and pushes it as hard as he can with towards Jem's legs. Jem simply steps aside and shakes his head. "Idiot."

Alex had sort of missed that.

*

"I just talked to Grandma, Alex," his mom says, entering his room without knocking. Fortunately, he is fully clothed, not smoking marijuana so he doesn't mind it as much as he would have. He looks up from his homework to watch her as she seats herself on the corner of his unmade bed (giving it a distasteful look before she does so) and continues, "She twisted her ankle."

"Wait, what? How?"

His mother spreads her hands helplessly. "She was getting out of bed and she stepped on her slipper and I'm not sure how but she twisted it. Now she can't really walk but her neighbour- you remember Fergie?" She asks and looks at him questioningly and when he shakes his head, she continues, "Well, she took her to the Emergency Room. And they're saying it's not that bad but she needs to get bed rest for like, two days."

"So how's she going to you know, move around?"

"She's not, that's the point," his mom wrings her hands together. "I'm thinking we should go up to her for a few days. Just a few days, until she can get back on her feet." She quickly adds when Alex opens his mouth to argue.

"But I have school!" He protests.

"I know, sweetie," she says softly, spreading her hands. "But else can I do?"

"Leave me here?" Alex suggests hopefully.

"Absolutely not." She snaps.

"It's just a few days... how many, exactly?"
"I'm thinking of two or three. I can't really get off work for too long. But you can't be by yourself for so long, Alex, I'm not going to allow it."

"Mom, come on."

His mother scowls at him. Then she sighs as though that one scowl drained all her energy. "I have enough on my plate, Alex. Please don't make this harder."

Looking at his helpless, dejected mother, he sighs. "Fine."

She looks up at him and doesn't exactly smile but her face softens. "Okay. Good. We'll leave tomorrow night, okay?"

"Fine."

*

Never in his life had the news of a test filled Alex with more joy. He wanted to run up to his Algebra II teacher and hug him.

Jem had stared at him as though he had sprouted antlers. "It's a math test."

"I know."

"You suck at math."

"I know."

"Why are you so happy?"

"It's twenty percent of the grade. Now I won't have to go."

When his mother came home, he happily told her that he had an Algebra test in two days and it counted for twenty percent of his grade so now he couldn't possibly miss it.  His mom chucked her purse on her bed and crossed her arms at him (cursing him mentally, he was sure) and finally agreed to let him stay home alone for two days. She packed a bag for two days and gave him a talk on responsibility while doing so and when she finally left for the station, Alex grinned at the closed door. He'd never been home alone without adults for so long. He ate the leftover lasagne without heating it. He played music as loudly as he wanted to. When he went to pee, he didn't bother closing his door.

He talked to Ronan on the phone for almost four hours in the night and fell asleep on the couch without brushing his teeth. Alex watched so much TV that he barely had time to think of anything else, be it Jem or his algebra test.

*

"Did you even shower in the morning?" Ruth demands at lunch.

"Of course I did!" Alex says. He wouldn't succumb to such filth as to not shower, but when he got up ten minutes too late, he'd seriously considered it. Not that he would mention that to Ruth.

"So did you actually study for the Algebra test? Like, at all?" Jem asked.

"You think?"

Jem sighs.

*

It felt like Alex and Jem were trying to soak up as much of the Bowl as they could before it was snowed. Alex fell again and grazed his palm ("Idiot," Jem said.) but he didn't pay attention to because after all, he'd had worse.

Afterwards, they sat in the Bowl.

It was getting to cold to sit in the Bowl now; the concrete was cold and hard and bit into Alex's skin, right through his jacket. A bit of a bit of his lower back was exposed where his jacket has ridden up and the cold sent a shiver through his body. Originally, Ale wouldn't have moved, for Jem's knee was casually bumping into his as he sub consciously moved it to the music but this time, he shifted aside and pulled his jacket back down. Jem didn't seem to notice but he stopped moving his knee.

"You did anything on Thanksgiving? Jem asked.

"Nope. You?"
"My mom's brother came over." He shrugs.

"Oh? How's he?"

"He's fine, I guess. I mean, he always gets drunk and starts talking about the girls he hooked up with."

"Really?"
"Yeah. That's why my aunt divorced him, actually." The ghost of a smile plays on his lips.

Alex laughs. "Wow."

"Right?"

"I like him."

Normally, Jem would have probably shoved him back or at least punched his arm but Jem's arms remain stationary on his lap. Any sort of touching between them seemed to have disintegrated. Alex longed to touch him, punch him, high five him, do anything but he couldn't bring himself to. You don't touch a fire as much as you want to.

"So did my aunt," Jem finally says, "until she found out that he was cheating on her."

"I don't think your uncle is cheating on me."

"Are you sure? He described hooking up with someone in this bar and the guy sounded like you."

"Wait, what's your uncle's name, again?"

"Bertie."

"Oh, Bertie," Alex snaps his fingers. "I remember him. God, what a night that was."

Jem looks like he wants to punch him. They laugh until their stomachs hurt and between laughs hey hadn't laughed with each other for a while, they inconspicuously watched one another thinking, 'God, I missed this.'

*

"Hey, you want to come over?" Alex asks.

Jem looked a little surprised, mainly because they hadn't been to each other's houses since Halloween but he readily agreed. They also agreed to go to Jem's house first and get the Star Wars DVDs and to drop off Jem's skateboard.

"I have no popcorn." Alex says.

"Incomplete, your home is." Jem replies.

"No."

"Weird, you is."

"Stop talking like that."

"Enjoy it, I do."

"Shut up, Jem."

"Not showing respect, you is."

Alex rolls his eyes at him and finally manages to find a few Reese's in the fridge which he tosses to Jem- who was looking in the other direction- so one hits the back of his head. Jem whirls around to look at him and picks up the fallen Reese's. He calmly says, "No respect for master, you has, young Padawan."

"Jem, I'm going to cut you open with a fork."

"Messy, that shall be."

Alex's phone rings and spares him the need to answer and he receives the call, knowing well before who was calling. "Hey, mom."

"WEED!" Jem shouts. Alex rolls his eyes at him.

His mother, thankfully seems to not hear Jem. "Hi, what's going on?"

"Nothing. Jem's come over."

"Oh. Good." He can practically hear the relief in his mom's voice. She thought that Jem could control Alex and his presence in the house probably decreased his chances of accidently burning down the kitchen or something like that. "You boys have fun."

"Yeah. How's Grandma?"

"She's better, much better. Also, loud and irritated and unpleasant."

Alex knew exactly how extreme his grandmother could get and he pitied his mother. "Oh. But at least she's better."

"Well, yes. Everything's fine back there?"

Alex looks at Jem trying to open his Reese's in vain. When it doesn't open, he chucks it aside and tries another one which remains as stubbornly unopened as the other one. "Yeah, everything's fine."

*

"Are you kidding me? Ew."

"What? Jem demands indignantly. "Luke's better than Lando."

"Okay, that doesn't even make any sense. His sister is in love with Han."

"So? He kissed his sister, anyway."

"What does that have to do with anything?"
"I don't know, something!"

Alex shakes his head. "If you had to pair Han with anyone but Leia and you chose Luke, I mean, why?"

"And you chose Lando."

"Yeah!"

"You're so hopeless."

"If Leia had died during the war, I'm willing to bet you Han would have turned to Lando and one thing would have led to another and the next thing you know they're creeping into the Millennium Falcon in the dead of night..."

Jem puts his hands up as if to stop Alex and shudders. "Please don't finish that sentence."

"Unbeliever. Leia wouldn't die anyway, honestly. Han could die but Leia couldn't."

Jem snorts. "Please. Han won't die. They would never kill Han. Nope."
The movie is paused and the room dark. The light of the TV bounces off everything giving it an artificial, white colour. They pushed back the sofa and spread blankets on the ground and snuggled up with their Reese's and the one can of Coke that Alex had managed to find. He was pretty sure it was expired but both Jem and he decided to pretend they did not know that. Their legs were barely touching beneath the blanket and Alex kept moving his leg so it didn't touch Jem's. 

"Anyone could die." Alex finally says thickly.

"Not Han."

"Uh huh."

Jem might have looked at him but Alex was determinedly staring at the bright TV screen. His skin felt prickly and electric and bones weak but he didn't look at the other boy.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Alex."

Alex looks at him, trying his best to keep a poker face. "Yeah?"

Jem's face is unreadable. It wouldn't be any different if he was wearing a Stormtrooper helmet. "I, uh... I'm sorry."

The words prick Alex all over the places which tingle with delight when Jem touched him. "Okay."

"You don't even know what I'm talking about."

"I don't want to."

Jem breathes out shakily and looks away. Alex takes it as his cue to look away too. His ears are ringing and fingers trembling. He looks at Jem. "Just for, ah, I don't know- closure, I guess, who started it?"

The question sounded so stupid and his voice so desperate that Alex winced. But he had to know. If Jem was the one had had kissed him, maybe Alex would despise himself a little less. 

The question seemed to rattle Jem. For once, he seemed to be at a loss of words. "I... don't know. I don't know."

"Okay." Alex answers in a thick voice. "Doesn't matter anyway. It was stupid."

It was Jem's turn to wince. He wrings his hands together as if he doesn't know what to do with them. "You thought it was stupid?"

"Wasn't it?"

"No."

Alex almost wanted to get mad at him. He needed that emotional push or he was going to start crying right now. "You really think that?"

"Why does it matter?" Jem says to his hands.

"Because it was literally the best thing that has happened all year, okay?" Alex croaks. The words spill out like smoke from his throat, hurting him as he spoke them. "And I don't really know what to think now."

Jem looks at him, his eyebrows furrowed together and his eyes tender. "Really?"

"Uh huh."

Jem takes a deep breath but he says nothing. Slowly, he extends his hand and softly touches Alex's lip which is still slightly swollen. The very tips of his fingers touch him but Alex can feel them shaking slightly like an uncertain heartbeat.

The TV went into energy saving mode, spilling darkness across the room when Jem cupped Alex's cheek and pulled him into himself.

It wasn't like the last time.

Alex had been too surprised to act for the first few seconds but then reality slammed into him. Jem tastes of Reese's and his face is warm. At first, Alex's hands cup Jem's cheek and then they're on his neck- soft, so soft and so full of energy- and they're in his hair, pulling him closer. He's never close enough.

Jem gasps against his lips and crushes them into nectar.

Alex's skin tingles wherever Jem touches him like someone lit up a firecracker in his veins. God, is it even possible to have so many nerve endings in one place?

Jem pushes him backwards and Alex falls into the blanket, letting his hands- and his lips- guide him. He was collapsing into Jem; his skin was disintegrating under his touch. He could feel the curve of Jem's knuckles against his skin and the roughness of his palms, as they moved up and down his arms. His hands were shaking but he moved them down Jem's back, feeling the smooth muscle beneath his T-shirt until he tugs at Jem's T-shirt. Their lips part for a second as Jem struggles out of his T-shirt and Alex opens his eyes.

He'd never seen Jem without a shirt before. It was always too cold for swimming and Jem had never really changed in front of him. The moonlight bathed him in shades of blue and white and created ever-changing shadows on his body. The light bounces off his bare chest as if it was too ethereal to touch.

Jem grins at him and Alex's lips smile before he does, as he pulls Jem into him and they crash into each other like two waves in a tempestuous sea.

*

Alex tastes something sharp and metallic- then he realises that it is Jem's lips and his are probably bleeding too. He had never bled so willingly before.

*

When Jem's mom calls him and demands to know where he is, Alex mouths, 'sleep over.'

Jem argues with his mom for five minutes while Alex unpauses the movie and watches it with his head in Jem's lap.
When Jem gets off the phone he says, "Well, my mom was mad."
"Did she allow it?" Alex looks at Jem without moving his head from his lap.
Jem looks down at him and smiles. "Yeah."

"Good."

"Yeah." Jem says and then profusely  sneezes.

Alex lifts up his head and grins at Jem. "I think we should put our shirts back on."

"Probably." Jem says.

They pause the movie and tidy up the blankets.  Alex's hands are still slightly trembling like an aftershock as he picks up the Reese's wrappers and Jem decides that he wants Coke.

"I told you there's no more Coke."

"Let's go get it." Jem says, his voice sounding an octave higher than usual. In fact, he sounded giddy.

"What, really?"

"Yeah, come on."

So Alex locked the house, grabbed a few coins and they set out to the block where Jem's parents had their shop. It was a windy night and they were high on joy, with their arms looped into each other's, laughing too loudly for nine o'clock in the night.

They walked past his parents' closed shop to a dingy drugstore where the exceedingly unpleasant cashier informed them were no refreshments so they walked further until they came across a 24/7 departmental store Alex vaguely remembers passing by a few times and not sparing a second glance.

While Alex billed for the Coke, Jem disappeared into the aisles and returned a few seconds later with two cheap plastic water guns.

"You've got to be kidding me." Alex says.

Jem thrusts them into his arms. "Live a little, Alexander."

*

The Alex he was a few months ago would not have done something so ridiculous.

He would not have had a water gun fight with Jem in his house, wearing his Jedi costume. He would absolutely have not. 
He would not have kissed Jem until his lips were numb and his head lighter than it had been in months.
Actually, he would have.

The drawing room was a mess and Alex wondered if his mom would have a heart attack when she saw it so he claimed that they need to start tidying up as soon as the battle was over, to which he earned a nice face full of water.

After tidying up, they crept into their blankets again, unpaused their movie and kissed until their lips tingled with each other's aftertaste.

*

The old Alex was definitely not as happy. Now he was a redeemed sad story.

*

Alex's birthday passed in a blur.

His mom made him pancakes for breakfast and he had yet another algebra test. Jem called him at twelve and said, "Now you're legal," and Ronan called him not much later saying, "SIXTEEN, BASTARD!"

It was better than Ruth calling him later and saying, "Sweet sixteen! You want a pink teddy or a white one?"

He and Jem hadn't exactly gone public yet to anyone else but Ruth ("The sky is blue, ice is cold, let's just list obvious things") but today, Jem laid a soft peck on his lips which caused many eyebrows to rise but nobody said anything, to Alex's relief.  Jem gave him two Beatles sweatshirts wrapped in newspaper.

Even his test didn't go as badly as he'd expected.

He went for pizza with Ruth and Jem where he got a free birthday cheesecake. They dropped Ruth home and Jem drove back to the Bowl even though it was much too cold to be outside. His mom even let him stay out late because, well, today was special. So Alex spent the last few minutes of his birthday sitting the Bowl with Jem, huddled next to him 'to conserve body heat'.

______

haha i had that scene in mind before i even started writing this story. i even have a poem about it. sue me.

also this one is dedicated to my friend who helped me with a verY important dilemma about this story. ily.