DECEMBER 2007

"You're going to fall." Jem chides.

"No, I'm not."

"You've always injured yourself while trying to do an ollie."

"Well, today's different."
"Oh, really?"
Alex raises his eyebrows at Jem who rolls his eyes at him. "Watch me."

"I am. Watching you break your ankle."
"Oh ye of little faith," Alex says before he kicks off. The skateboard feels wobbly beneath his feet but he feels determined. There was going to be no more skateboarding after this for months and if he didn't perform an ollie before the ground was blanketed with snow, Alex would not be able to survive the winter in shame and frustration. Not particularly in that order.

Alex's heart is beating so fast that he can hear it thundering in his ears. He leaps and almost loses his balance but both he and the skateboard land on the ground, not very elegantly but landing nonetheless. He stops suddenly and whirls around to look at Jem, whose eyebrows are raised like he still can't believe it happened. "I did it!"

Jem finally snaps out of it. His lips quirk into a magnificent smile, one corner rising more than the other. "Yeah, you did!"

Alex lets out a whoop of joy he didn't know he had in himself. It was a little thing that wouldn't matter to most people but he feels like a king, triumphant and victorious. His very bones were quivering with excitement.

Even Jem looks at him in amazement before he high fives him. "Well, I wasn't expecting that."

"Me neither." Alex says truthfully, trying to downplay his joy.

"If you'd just done an ollie like, even a month ago, we could have done kickflips." Jem sighs.

"Hey, at least I did it."

"Yeah, you did." Jem grins at him. He loops his arm through Alex's and Alex reddens which he thinks is, well, stupid. He'd seen Jem's bare back covered in sweat and bathed in moonlight, had had his arms wrapped around his hot skin and run his fingers down his vulnerable arms so shamelessly and now, even though there is almost four layers of clothes between their skins, he blushes like a middle schooler. God, he was weirdo.  "You know what that means?"

"What?"

"Date night."

Alex laughs. "Date night?"

Jem is smiling drunkenly but he looks a little abashed.  "Yeah!"

"So you're like, asking me out?" Even though they were together almost every day- be it skateboarding, making out- they had never officially been on a 'date'. The very idea made Alex a little afraid. He'd never properly been on a date (unless he was willing to count Nancy Wellington from seventh grade with whom he went to the Taco counter where she kissed him and told him she loved him and never spoke to him again. He did not count this.) And he felt a little ashamed to admit that he liked things the way they were right now.

"Really, Alex?" Jem lets go of him and draws back dramatically, clutching his heart. "I thought we were more than 'just physical'."

Alex smiles thinly but he wishes Jem would lower his voice. "'Just physical'? Is this Sex and the City or something?"

"I knew sex is all that is important to you."

"Uh huh."

"I'm going to tell all my girlfriends you're a horrible guy."

"Okay, Carrie Bradshaw."

Jem raises his eyebrows. "Well? Don't leave me hanging."

Alex squints at him. "Well..."

"Are you actually hesitating? You should have thought of this before sticking your tongue down my throat."

"Hey, you did it first!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Jem shoots him a dirty look before he takes a deep, slow breath and shakes his head.

"Yes." Alex says.

"What?"

"Yes to date night."

The corners of Jem's mouth twitch but he does a good job of subduing the smile that threatens to form on his lips. "Good. And don't call it date night, for God's sake, Alex."

"You called it date night!"

"That was like... ironically."

"Nerd."

*

Jem told Alex to be ready by seven thirty the next day since he had work. When Alex asks what they're doing, Jem shrugs and says he hasn't decided on anything yet and since Jem is so good at concealing his feeling he is also, coincidently, a very good liar, so Alex isn't sure if he's telling the truth.

He ponders over what to wear until he calls Ruth for some advice. In a very amused and very irritated voice, she said, "Alex, shut the fuck up and wear anything. It's not like you have any decent clothes," before she hung up, leaving Alex considerably more confused (and with less of a self-esteem) that before.

He gets so nervous by the evening that his very hands begin to shake slightly but he tells himself that's just out of excitement.

*

Alex also decided that it was probably time to tell his mom.

Jem had already told his parents and according to him, it didn't matter much to them. In fact, his mom shot Alex sly smiles whenever he came over which made him more uncomfortable than he let on.

He wasn't sure of what he was telling his mother: he wasn't even sure of what his situation was. He sat her down at the kitchen table after the classic 'We need to talk,' which freaked her out a little.

He pulled up a chair and sat with his hand on the table, phrasing the words in his head. His mom looked at him expectantly, with both her eyebrows raised in concern, but saying nothing and letting him take his time. The silence was palpable; both mother and son feeling its weight and yet not breaking it as if they were too afraid of the words that the other would utter.

Alex felt like he had forgotten the English alphabet. The thousands of things he had thought of saying to his mother turned to gibberish as they approached his lips. He tried to take steady breaths and list his favourite song in his head, like Jem had told him to do to clear his head.

Finally, his mother's patience wears thin. Timidly, she asks, "Alex?"

"Huh?'

"You wanted to talk about something?"

"Uh, yeah." Alex's palms were sweaty but he felt as though he couldn't move his hands. "So... I guess I need to tell you something."

"Yes?"

Alex speaks to his hands but even then, his throat feels like it is stuffed with cotton. "I, uh... am sort of... with Jem... I guess."

A beautifully worded, very articulate sentence.

His mom looks confused. She frowns and leans forward. "You're... what?"

"With Jem."
"With Jem?"
"Yeah."

"What do you mean 'with him'?"

Alex counts his breaths. I am with Jem. The thought makes his toes curl with warmth and a little smile plays at his lips. He loved saying that. I am with Jem. The words make him a little more confident and he look his mother in the eye. "Like... with him."

"What with him?"
Alex wonders if his mom is making it necessarily harder for him. Then he takes a deep breath. This shouldn't have to be such a big deal.

His mom's eyebrows are knitted together as though they might never move.

"Like dating him," Alex says.

She frowns. "Dating him? Jem?"

"Yeah."

His mother shakes her head. "Wait, I don't understand. Jem? You're gay?"

It was the question he had been dreading the most. Not because he was ashamed or anything but because he just had no idea. He absolutely had no idea. "I don't know."

"How can you not know?"

"I... don't know."

"You like Jem?"

Alex stares his mother straight in the eye, watching the uncertainty churn in her irises. "Yes. Yes, I do."

His mother is quiet for a second as though she is processing this information. "Then you are gay."

"Mom, I don't know."

She takes a deep breath and looks away. When she looks back at him, she says something he did not expect to hear. "I didn't think you were attracted to like, anyone."

Alex stares at her. "What?"

"It's just that... I don't know, honey. You never talked about having a crush or anything. You never found any gir- boys cute or anything like that. It's just..." she takes his hands and squeezes it hard. "It's okay, Alex. I'm just a little taken aback but it's okay."

"So you're not going to do the whole 'I won't have grandkids' thing?"

She smiles at him. "I think we should skip that."

*

Jem honks loudly when he reaches Alex's house- like old school cliché teenage movie character- and Alex rolls his eyes. He calls out, "Mom, I'm going!"

His mom replies by saying, "Don't get pregnant!"

*

"So what are we really doing?" Alex asks.

Jem averts his eyes from the road for the tiniest second to grin at Alex. He is wearing a simple black sweatshirt which makes Alex feel considerably overdressed in his blue shirt. "I have no idea."

"Come on, cut the shit."

"I really have no idea."

Alex looks at him. "What?"

Jem smiles at the steering wheel. "I just thought we could you know, improvise."

Alex shakes his head. "You suck at this."

"You suck more."

"You know what else I suck?"

Jem shoots him a pained look. "No."

"Wrong answer."

"You have never sucked anything."

"Shut up, Jem.

*

They finally bought sandwiches and Jem drove a little out of town where the sky was as dark as it was above their neighbourhood but it somehow seemed darker. Jem parked the car next to a small, empty diner. They ate their sandwiches in the car and later went into the diner for some dessert. The bright neon lights of the joint made Alex squint but the waitress, a dumpy old lady, was nice enough and when she asked them their names, Jem said, "My name is Basil."

Alex looks up form his blueberry cheesecake and Jem shoots him a meaningful look. He clears his throat. "Yeah and I'm uh, Susan."

The waitress seems to forget how to smile. "Susan?"

"Yeah, Susan."

That's... ah, a very interesting name."

"Thank you. I'm named after my mom."

The waitress tries for a smile but instead she looks as though she is in pain. "That's... nice. Enjoy your cheesecakes."

Jem who had been secretly laughing behind his hand grinned at Alex as soon as she turned around and left. "That was great, Susan."

"Thanks, Basil."

Jem kicks him under the table.

When the waitress returns with their bill, she tries for another winning smile at the two of them. "I hope you enjoyed."

"Yes, we did." Jem smiles back politely.

"Yeah." Alex says.

The waitress looks at him. "I'm glad to hear that, Susan," She says before leaving, with a gleam in her eye as though she had been dying to say it. Alex was glad to give her the opportunity.

Jem begins to reach for his wallet but Alex fishes his out first. "No, no."

"You paid for the sandwiches, Alex."

"Let me pay the bill, Basil."

Jem looks like he wants to argue but Alex quickly fishes out five dollars and lays them on the table. Jem sighs and looks away but a thin smile plays at his lips when Alex kicks him under the table.

*

"My heart, oh it breaks

Over these many years it takes

For you to come back to me, baby," The boy stops for a dramatic guitar strum before he continues, "Wherever you, please take me."

"I think this is one of the worst." Jem whispers.

"Are you kidding?" Alex says. "Did you forget 'I love you like I love death, even more than I love meth?'"

"Touché."

Alex had never attended slam poetry before. It was one of those things he'd heard of but never thought he would witness. By chance, they drove past a small poetry café about a mile from their neighbourhood. It was something neither of them had any experience with and so they decided to check it out. The café was dimly lit and strewn with plush sofas and multi coloured bean bags. The walls were lined with complex abstract paintings which Alex wanted to observe but it was too dark. The only well-lit area was the tiny wooden stage, where a reciter would stand and another guy who sat in the corner sat with an acoustic guitar.

The odd thing was that people were actually paying attention to the poet. They got their drinks and nestled into the bean bags and listened to the words the poet bled for the world to listen. Alex found that rather odd too. If he ever wrote poetry, he would never share it with anyone and yet, here were all these people lining up to recite their work in public cafés.

'Needless to say, I am alone now,

Yes, I am alone, without any doubt.'

Dramatic guitar.

'Was this always a joke?

Never to me, never to me.'

Someone hooted and some people snapped their fingers. The poet, obviously elated at the audience's response, left the stage.

Jem and Alex were nestled in a blue bean bag a little to the back. It was dark and Alex felt as though he could get away with anything in the room, full of words from the heart and people willing to listen to them.

Alex looked at Jem, who had his arm around him and Alex's head on his shoulder. He was watching the newest poet take the stage and fumble with her sheet of paper as she introduced herself to the audience. "Hi everyone... I'm Eliza. This is something I, um, wrote last night... I hope you enjoy it."

The guitars strums a few tunes on his guitar and then Eliza's nervous voice echoes across the room, 'A pearl necklace has broken across the heavens but no, those are only stars and no, those are only your eyes.'

"She's good, huh?" Alex says.

"She actually is, yeah," Jem replies, not taking his eyes off the stage.

Alex tilted his head up a little so that he could properly look at Jem. He looked like an Ancient Greek statue with the dim light dancing on his face; regal beauty handcrafted into stone. He wondered how he reached here, in Jem's arms.

Alex reached out with his right hand and gently touched his neck, his fingers brushing the bottom of his cheek. Jem turned and Alex laid a hasty kiss on his lips. He felt Jem's lip curl into a smile beneath his.

He opened his eyes and yes, Jem was smiling. He looked pleasantly surprised. "I thought this defies your whole no-public-display-of-affection rule."

"That's not a thing."

"Yes, it is."

Alex knows that it is but he says, "Well, time to break it then."

"I don't remember anything but the curve of your knuckles and the temperature of your skin, but remind me again," Eliza said in a dreamy voice and it was some sort of poetic justice Alex was doing to her words as he smiled thinly at Jem and kissed him like no one was watching.

*

Alex was glad when he woke in the middle of a nightmare thankfully interrupted. It couldn't have been seven in the morning but he was wide awake as soon as his eyelids cracked open. He reached for his phone to check the time and groaned at the displayed numbers.

The first day of Christmas break and he was he up at 6:40 am.

He massages his cramped neck, still clammy with sweat and slowly makes his way to the kitchen for a glass of water. The house is silent which implies that it was early enough for Alex's mother to not be awake. Obviously.

The lights wound around the Christmas tree are off, making the tree look sort of depressing.

Alex looks for a glass but after about five seconds of searching, he gives up and uses a glass bowl instead. (His mom would kill him if she caught him in the act.)

He raised the bowl to his lips when something out of the window caught his eye. He (not very gently) placed the bowl on the kitchen counter and rushed to the window.

"Mom!" He yelled, hearing the giddiness in his own voice. "Mom!"

His mother rushed to the kitchen a few seconds later, not even bothering to tie her robe. Her hair is falling around her face in unkempt tangles and her eyes are wider than saucers. "Alex? What's wrong?"

Alex grins at her then at the thick blanket of snow covering the roads and trees, stark white and untouched. "It's snowing."

*

They did make a snowman.

He was two feet tall and his name was Billie Joe Armstrong, as he had been christened by Jem. They even made it wear eyeliner by smudging dirt under its two leafy eyes.

Billie Joe Armstrong resided inside the Bowl for three days before someone kicked him and thus he met his untimely demise.

*

Christmas was low-key.

Alex's Aunt Rosa and her husband dropped in at Christmas Eve and the three adults spent about three hours in the kitchen, preparing a hearty meal. Alex supposed that he should probably go help them but every time he tried, he was shooed out. 

After dinner, him mom declined when Rosa and her husband suggested that they go to church. His mom was all for holiday tradition but she paid no attention to the story behind it and as for religion; his mother was a devout unbeliever. She, however, left Alex free to choose whether or not he wanted to believe in God. Alex took after his mom in many aspects so they waved goodbye to Rosa and her husband as they left for the Mass.

Alex's mom woke him on Christmas Day, gently telling him that it was past eleven. He quickly scrambled out of bed, still not quite awake yet but it doesn't matter how old one is, they will still get excited about presents.

His mom seemed more joyful that usual. Being stuck in the house all day with someone like Alex probably did not help.

*

Alex grabbed a bite with Jem and Ruth and he felt an odd sort of pride telling his mom, "I'm going to have lunch with my friends." Yes, mom, I have friends. Whom I can have lunch with.

Ruth informed them of the New Year's party she was hosting at her house. She glared pointedly at Alex and Jem while she said this. Jem had the courtesy to at least pretend to look embarrassed while Alex just ate his curly fries and watched Ruth talk heatedly like she was hurling stones at them.

"If you ditch me this time," Ruth says. "I swear to fucking God, I'll kill you."

"Your New Year's Resolution should be to curse less." Alex chided.

"Do you think I fucking curse too much, you shithead?"

Jem snorts. "What a thing to say."

Ruth rolls her eyes. She has about twenty different ways of rolling her eyes and each one means something different. Alex had learned to decipher them and was pretty sure this one was 'Why am I even talking to you?'

Alex speaks through a mouthful of fries and ketchup. "I'll be there this time. Promise."

"Same." Jem agrees.

Ruth doesn't seem satisfied but she shrugs and puts her hat back on. "You'd better."

*

To Alex's utter delight, Jem is wearing his blue shirt under his coat. Alex watches him take off his coat and hand it to Ruth and colours when Jem catches him watching and rewards him smile that isn't tight lipped.

Ruth genuinely looks a little surprised to see them. She is dressed in a short green dress and tall, pointy heels that Alex doesn't want to be kicked with. He makes a mental note to be nice to Ruth all night. 

"You look nice." He tells her.

She flashes a nervous smile and tugs at her dress. "Thanks, Alex. I'm gonna keep your coats, okay? Go get something to drink or something." She gives them an encouraging thumbs-up- flaunting bright red nail polish- and disappears into the adjacent room.

Alex counts about thirty people, all of whom he vaguely recognizes from school. A few people wave at Jem but nobody greets Alex and Alex greets nobody. Jem slips his hand into Alex's and Alex half wishes that he wouldn't because they were surrounded by people- people they knew.

Ruth has chosen a good playlist- not loud enough so that people have to scream over the music and not soft enough to overhear conversations. The Christmas Tree was still intact and adorned beautifully with fairy lights, casting a dreamy light all over the room. Jugs of a suspicious looking beverage lined the table along with towers of disposable plastic glasses and bowls of chips.

"Well, we have a lot of time to kill, don't we?" Alex muses, drinking in his surroundings.

"We could slip into a room and have sex," Jem suggests.

"How about no."

"You're a such killjoy."

Alex grins at him. They walk to the table lined with a number of plastic glasses and the mysterious olden liquid.

"What the actual hell is that?" Jem says in his ear.

"What?"

"In the jugs."

"I have no idea. It looks like pee."

Jem frowns at his in disgust. "You wanna try it?"

"Obviously."

Jem looks as though he is torn between grinning and rolling his eyes so he settles on a sigh. He pours Alex a glass and then pours one for himself. Alex regards the golden liquid in his glass uncertainly.

"Well everyone is drinking it." Jem notices.

Alex shrugs and clinks his glass with Jem's even though their glasses don't 'clink' because obviously, they were plastic. "Best of luck," he says before taking the smallest sip he could muster.

"Oh," Jem laughs. "It's beer."

*

"How did you even get it?" Jem demands.

Ruth grins at him. Her eyes are a little glazed over and Alex can tell she's had a few glasses herself. "I know people."

"What people?"

"People at school, Jem."

"Won't your parents, like, kill you?" One of Ruth's friends, Kendra asks her.

"Where are they, anyway?" Alex asks. He sips the harsh liquid and shudders. At first, the beer made his stomach burn but he was getting used to it now. Liking it, even.

"They're at their own New Year's Party," Ruth tells him. "And besides, according to them, it's Mountain Dew."

"They can't be stupid enough to believe that, Ruth."

"Well, it doesn't matter because they're going to come back at really, really drunk. I could tell them it's milk and they wouldn't know the difference."

Jem and Alex laugh more than they usually would have

"Yo, one minute left!" Someone calls out.

Ruth widens her eyes. "Oh shit, one minute." She hands Alex her glass and makes her way through the crowd to shut off the music. Kendra smiles at Jem but quickly follows Ruth.

"Oh man, I think I'm going to throw up." Jem groans. He presses the cold surface of his glass on his closed eyelids.

Someone hits the lights and the brightness makes Alex wince and white spots dance in his eyes. The countdown begins- "59, 58, 57..."

Ruth is nowhere to be seen but Jem is half-heartedly calling out numbers with his glass still pressed against his eyelid. He cracks one eye open tiredly.

Alex opens his mouth to speak but he can feel vomit coming up his throat so he closes it again. The loud voices around him echo in his head, amplified a hundred times more until his head throbs. He tries to join in with a few mumbled numbers as they near 0.

The crowd's enthusiasm increases exponentially as they reach the single digits until Alex puts his glass into Ruth's and hands it to Jem so mutters a weak, "What are you doing?" but doesn't follow him as he pushes past people and rushes to the bathroom.

The echoes of '2,1, 0 Happy New Year!" are distant in his ears as Alex throws up in the toilet.