Sit. Smile. Look pretty. Don't cry. Day by day. Night by night. I sit and wonder why I'm even here. My presence doesn't make a difference to anyone. I'm just a pointless existence. Nobody notices if I don't show up. Nobody worries when I forget to put my mask on. Nobody cares enough to notice my joy is an act.

Its so dark here. I lost sight of the light when my world came crashing down. When her knife buried itself in my heart, twisting and turning and making it as painful as possible. The color left with the gifts I threw in the trash. So much time and love had been wasted. And now I sit here, an empty shell of who I used to be.

It's cold here. She took the warmth away too. No more hugs that last an eternity. No more late night giggles about boys. No more walking arm in arm, chattering away about whatever came to mind. How naïve I was to believe that the warmth would stay as I poured out my heart to her, tears endlessly flowing, for the last time, praying that she would realize the errors of her ways.

I'd forgotten what true loneliness felt like when she was around. With her I never had to worry because her actions were as loud as her words, I knew that I was loved. Now that she's gone the feeling of being alone is so overpowering. I can't use my voice anymore. The voices screaming that I'm better off dead have returned.

Nobody wants you. They don't notice when you're gone. Nobody looks for you when you don't show up at lunch. Nobody tries to help when you're seen crying alone at lunch. Your tears mean nothing. You mean nothing. Why are you still here? You're just one more burden. One more mouth to feed. One more body wasting space. One more reason why this world should end.

Just give up. The darkness has put out the light. Just give up. It'll be easier if you go. Give up. Someone better will take your place. They always do. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up.

Give up. I'll just fade away. No one will notice. One less waste of oxygen. One less person to argue with. One less burden. One less mistake.

Give up give up giveupgiveupGIVEUPGIVEUPGIVEUPGIVEUP

And yet I can't. I keep making the mistake to continue. I keep making the choice to hold on. I keep breathing. I keep playing the role of a burden. I can't seem to fade. And I can't understand why I do.

Is it because I keep hoping this is all a dream? I keep hoping maybe she never ripped me apart, never betrayed my trust, never ripped my heart out. Is it normal to still care for the girl who kissed the boy you liked? To make love with him? To tell you to get over it? I shouldn't care for her, and yet here I am wondering if she ever has regrets.

But I don't have any.

Not when her shredding me apart led to some heavy duty duct tape being pulled out by people I could never imagine. I thought people were all the same. Wanted me all for dead, always fighting, always desiring to steal the air I breathe in hopes to make me fade.

But I discovered that thought is wrong. Some people wish to share their soul and lifeline with me, some people wish to fight for me instead of with me, and wish to give me the air they breathe so I can continue on.

It all started with you.

You didn't even know. You were new. I don't know what drew me to you. Before I knew it I was offering you a seat. Days pass and I'm anxious. Something is changing.

We found a shared interest. Somethings changing. I laughed. It was real. It's different from the mundane of my day to day. I'd almost forgotten this feeling.

I saw you at lunch. I wanted to say hi.  We had been talking more and more. I liked talking with you. It wasn't so dark when you were around. But something held me back. Maybe you were just pretending in class because you knew no one else. So I hid. And while I hid, I secretly hoped you'd find me.

Each day we talked my world got a tiny bit brighter. I was laughing more. I was talking more. I didn't feel so empty. But I still hid at lunch. I was scared. I was so incredibly scared. I was starting to feel again and I was terrified. What if approaching you made you run away? So I hid. I hid from you. I hid from fear. I hid from the light.

You found out I was hiding. You dragged me to your table. To two quiet girls I knew next to nothing about. I sat close to you. Your presence making me more comfortable. Over time I came to know these two girls, I can laugh with them. Smile with them. The world grows brighter with them.

Something is changing. I can feel it in my chest. The wound she created is starting to heal. The hole she left is starting to be filled. It's because of you. Your presence. Your laugh. Your smile. The people you brought me to. You gave me something I'd been yearning for ever since she left me broken in a ditch. You pulled me out, you told me to get on my feet. You comforted me, you understood me.  You opened up to me. Trusted me.

I will never be able to repay you for what you did. You saved me. You gave me a home in the table outside, it's cold there but I can't help but smile there. You gave me a family in yourself and the ones who sit at that table with us. Those girls who are fighting everyday and have been broken over and over again by this cruel world, but still find ways to smile. You gave me comfort in the security of these girls. We couldn't be more different. The way we dress, the way we act, the way we feel, the way we love, the way we fight. Where we came from, who we came from, what we came from. It's all so different, and I yet it all fits in so perfectly. Our little band of broken hearts and souls, reaching out and finding comfort in each other. We make each other strong. We make each other live.

No longer am I sitting here, drifting through life praying I wake up from the daze of my mundane life. I've become bold. I've become proud. I've learned that my presence can do something. That I'm not just here. Maybe I never was. Maybe I was just searching for something. Searching for the love of a friend who will fight for me with that same intensity that I would for them. The love of a friend who will talk into the late hours of the night, until one falls asleep mid sentence. The love of a friend that is worth all the pain of the past.

You've given me this, and so much more. For that I am eternally grateful, and my only hope is that I can be for you what you are for me. Someone you can rely on. Someone you can trust. Someone to talk with at one in the morning. Someone to be there. Someone to interrogate any and all lovers who come through, because anyone who wants to spend their life with you has to go through me. They have to be worthy of everything you are. I want to be able to give you strength and hope and reason to keep fighting. I want to be this and more because you deserve everything after what you did and do for me.

I want to do this because it's the only way I can say thank you.