I sat on the floor to the far end of the room, out of sight from everyone else and listened intently to Haadi's heart-rending Qirat; resonating throughout the room.

"—and said: Get down, both of you, (that is, man and Satan), and be out of it; each of you shall be an enemy to the other. Henceforth if there comes to you a guidance from Me, then whosoever follows My guidance shall neither go astray nor suffer misery—But whosoever turns away from this Admonition from Me shall have a straitened life; We shall raise him blind on the Day of Resurrection. (Quran 20:123-124)" She continued solemnly while sitting on the front of the room. Lifting up her eyes from the Quran in front of her, she took in the class filled with girls in headscarf; roughly around the age of Haadi, when she left Gulf. A small smile was gracing her features. A constant aspect of her apparel, since childhood.

"—both Adam (A.S) and Shaytan disobeyed Allah. But Adam (A.S)  did not persist in his sin arrogantly. As soon as he realized his error, he felt ashamed of it and asked for Allah's pardon. In contrast, Iblis was cursed because not only did he disobey his Lord but also persisted in his sin. He became arrogant. Boldly challenging Allah that it was He, Who was responsible for his disobedience; for preferring Adam whom He had created of clay, over him while He had made Iblis of fire." She kept on going, now coming to the tafsir of the end verses of Surah Taha. However, unbeknownst to anyone present in the room, I sat trembling with fear in my place. The weight of her words shook me to the very core and I could feel cold shivers running down my spine, covering my skin in a blanket of goosebumps; as if suddenly the temperature had dropped inside the room.

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN?!"
The stray memory had come to claw at me and still shivering, I pulled up my legs; hugging myself in attempts to ward off the cold but to no avail.

"You lied again!! You didn't help me again!"

"There's nothing that I can think of to wish for myself because I know You will never grant my any wish—"

How was what I did any different from what Iblis did. Not only did I leave the path of guidance but I was so adamant in my own arrogance that I thought it was I, who had given up on Allah because He wasn't how I wanted Him to be. Astaghfirullah!

"—Allah tests us all. Like He tested Adam (A.S), to see if we repent and follow His guidance or turn away, heedless like Iblis. And whoever strays from the straight path—persistently rejecting His guidance and denying the truth, then a time would come when he will find that Allah has left him to his sins. No further guidance will reach him from his Lord and he would keep on transgressing on path to wickedness—" Tears had begun to pour out of my eyes and to hide them I had dropped my head between my knees.

"—When someone earns the wrath and anger of Allah, Allah doesn't stop his breathing. He doesn't end his life or stops feeding him. He can, but He doesn't. Instead, He sends that person astray—He rejects him and forsakes him. Leaving him to wander aimlessly in the endless darkness, without any light or help, without any peace—

صُمٌّ بُكْمٌ عُمْىٌ فَهُمْ لاَ يَرْجِعُونَ
Deaf, dumb and blind – so they will not return [to the right path]. (Quran 2:18)"

Unintentionally, a sob escaped my mouth and I immediately bit down on my lips to stop them. My grasp around me tightened to calm down the shudders running through me but the effect of truth was far stronger than my grip.

"—Shaytan whispers to him and misleads him into thinking that he is self-sufficient and everything he has earned is because of his own self. He further gets astray, thinking by praying or doing act of goodness, he's doing a huge favour to Allah. No—Allah has no need for their prayers. But it is them, who have truly been forsaken and will remain without any hidayah—" Before she could go on, I scrambled to my feet and ran out of the backdoor. I didn't stop until I had reached the house. The whole way back, I couldn't stop my sobs. If my face wasn't covered by a niqab, I would still not have been able to control my cries anymore.

Slumping to the ground on the far back, outside the house, I weeped for my sins with my face tucked between my knees. I didn't know what to do from here on, or where to go. I was so lost. I didn't know if I could ever raise my head ever. The shame of my wrongdoings would never let me live my sins down.

How could I be so lost? How did I get so misguided? Why did I ever stray from the guidance of Allah? How did I not see the error of my ways? How did I get so arrogant and heedless of Allah's warnings? I knew the truth—! I knew the message of Allah—I was guided to the truth! Yet! How—

As I continued to weep hidden behind the bushes, I thought of all the times, when I had called out to Allah and spoken to Him things that I shouldn't have dared thought. Allah could have tortured me for all that or let me get dishonoured that night and so many times after that. I didn't deserve that He should've protected me all those times. Or given a roof over my head—but He didn't take any of that away from me. He only took His guidance away from me. Distancing me from Quran and prayer—because, Allah didn't want to see my face even. Not the other way around.

'Allah must hate me so much. What should I do? Where else do I go, now? I have no one but Allah—but even He hates me, so much. And rightfully so—' I silently weeped, gasping for breath in between my sobs; until a hand nudged me out of my woes.

I flinched back immediately from the contact, until my eyes took in the familiar figure.

"Aasi—Why did you—" Haadi was heaving for breath, whilst bending over my pathetic figure; but taking in my miserable state she had sat down on the dirt beside me, enveloping me in her warm embrace.

"Allah hates me Haadi—" I cracked between sobs, clutching a hand to her Abaya.

"—I—I was so disobedient—to Him—my whole life—I never listened to Him—" The sobs were making it hard for the words to come out, but Haadi didn't interject. Only kept on patting the back of my head.

"—and now—Now—I—" I couldn't go on. I didn't know how to admit to the fact that Allah had forsaken me. Because, if I were to say it out loud then where would I go from there? What then? Who else do I turn to?

"If Allah didn't want to forgive Adam (A.S) then He would never have taught him the words for repentance. Do you think Allah brought you this far, only to desert you?" Haadi cooed in a soft voice but her words only seemed to make me weep harder.

"I—I—I—didn't—I don't have—anyone else—but Allah—Haadi—what do—I—do? Haadi—I am so—scared—Allah hates—me—" My voice cracked with uncontrollable tears but I thought my heart would break with grief before I could find an answer to that.

"Allah loves His servants, 70 times that of a mother's love. Where else can we go, if not return to Allah? Like you said, who else have we got, but Him?" She whispered softly before pulling me away from herself. Taking my face in her hands, she watched me with a soft gaze and then wiped away my tears with the ends of her chaadar.

"Let's do this. Why don't you go and talk to Allah? Tell Him all about it and beg for His forgiveness?" She suggested softly while helping me get up. I sniffed at her through tears but nodding at her, I followed her to the inside of the house.

————————————

That night, while standing in Tahajjud, I weeped uncontrollably, until I felt too exhausted to cry anymore. Even then, the tears didn't seem to end.

My thoughts wandered to my Mom. Never in my life had I ever thought of calling her out in any situation. Even as a child, even on reflex, I never called out to her. So, I didn't know what a mother's love was. But if Allah's love was 70 times of that, then it should be something that would atleast allow me to raise my hand in istighfar (begging forgiveness) to Him. I never called out to anyone else for help. But whenever I called Him out, even in my disbelieving state—He always created a way out for me.

Gaining some hope, with that thought, I raised my hand in Tawbah.

'I am lost, if You don't guide me, Ya Allah. If You don't hold my hand—then surely I am a loser. Please—forgive me. Please don't hate me? I will live the rest of my life to earn your Raza (approval). I'll strive to become how You like. But without your guidance, without hidayah from You; I am truly lost—Please forgive me. Except for You, I have no one—no helper and no friend, in this world and the hereafter. Please, forgive me; Ya Ghafoor, Ya Raheem—' Once again, the tears had broken loose and I let my worries drown into my sobs, letting them soak into the prayer mat.

—————————

"Haadi. I was thinking—" Later, I stayed behind after Suhoor, helping her clean up the dishes. There was still almost an hour until Fajr. Haadi said, it was a blessing that Allah chose the month of Ramadan for helping me through this hard phase. The best time of the year was here and it was Allah's Mercy that He was making it easier for me, by granting peace to my heart through the blessings of this Holy month.

"—I think, I should continue my Hifz—from where I left off—I remember some of it—but maybe I will—" I knew it wasn't easy. What I was asking. But I wanted to do it. No—I needed it. Or else, I think I would disintegrate.

"Aasi! That's a great idea! You will do it easily, InshaAllah. I have full faith—" She turned to face me with a wide smile before exclaiming happily. I watched her go on about how we can begin and so on.

While here, I was trying so hard to move on from the horrors of my past life, I had somehow managed to ignore the bitter reality. That life was far from done with me.

———————————

I was in the middle of a discussion with Haadi. We were sitting outside on the veranda. My feet were dangling from the wooden boards and I was gazing up at the blue sky. The air was nice and cool. Salman bhai was instructing Ahmed about his homework.

Haadi was telling me about something that I did as a kid but my gaze kept wandering to the gate that was left slightly ajaar. I turned to Haadi but she had left from my side.

I don't know why but something made me get up and walk up to the gate. My hair wasn't covered in a hijab and my face was bare too. Yet, I stepped outside and continued to walk a few steps on the road outside the house leading into the town.

A prick on my foot made my gaze turn to my feet and I realized then that I was barefoot. Before I could pull out the glass shard, a familiar voice called out to me and I felt my heart stopping.

"Princess."

With a thumping heart, my gaze drifted to Navi; who was standing a few yards away from me. His mouth had formed into a sad smile and tears dripped down his face as he pressed the barrel of the pistol to his temple. Before I could hear my own scream, stopping him, he had pulled the trigger.

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