CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE | NOT A FAILURE

Lauren

"WE need to talk, Ritter," I answer, making him stand still and look intently into my eyes. I said before I left home that I won't dodge it, but I found myself avoiding it, trying to back out at once.

Kailangan na talaga namin mag-usap pero bakit kinakabahan ako. Hindi naman siya ibang tao sa akin. We had a relationship even for a short period of time. And now we're having a child yet our relationship still shaky and no directions. Lagi ako galit sa kanya noon pero nawala na rin unti-unti dahil siguro dalawang buwan na lang at manganganak na ako.

Nang marinig ko kanina ang pagtatalo nila ni Ms. Julia, hindi na ako mapakali. Natatagpuan ko na lang ang sarili ko kinokonsidera ang nararamdaman niya. Sariwa pa sa alaala ko ang mga salitang narinig ko mula sa bibig ng nanay ni Ritter. Nanay niya iyon kaya paano siya nito nasasabihan ng gano'n.

"You're a failure, Ritter. You cannot forever hide from the past. Your careless decision caused someone's life, leaving my granddaughter motherless! Now, you're here trying to reconcile with that ex-convict woman. You're insane!"

"Don't call her that!"

"Why? Can't you accept that she did something in the past like what you did?"

"No. Because she's the only woman who never judges me and supports me no matter what I do, we felt ruined, Mom. You made me the only confidant I have left because you created false accusations, which almost cost me my job. You..."

"She's not worth it. You can build another company of your own. Why choose to stay and manage a company that's no longer in your name?"

"Because I don't want to be like Dad. He tried his best to show how much he loved you, but you thought he was cheating until you drove him and sinned. I don't think you appreciated him. You drive him away!"

A snapped awakes me. It's from Ritter whom I forget standing in front of me and his shirt is on now. "Come inside, Lauren. It's raining out there." Niluwagan niya ang bukas ng pintuan saka inalalayan ako papasok sa loob. "You didn't bring an umbrella?" Nakalimutan ko kasi siya lang nasa isipan ko pati na iyong pagtatalo nilang mag-ina na narinig ko.

"It was not raining hard a while ago, and I walked a few steps away from our beach house," palusot ko pa kahit hindi naman katanggap-tanggap ang pagiging careless ko. Mapapagalitan na naman ako ni Jaypee nito kapag nalaman na naging pabaya ulit ako.

Hindi kumibo si Ritter at tumungo sa kusina nitong lodging house saka kumuha ng maiinom na tubig. He handed it to me immediately. Kasama noon ang maliit na tuwaly na ginamit pamunas ng pawis ko na nahaluan na ng ambon kanina sa labas. Uminom ako pero hindi ko gaano naubos dahil baka ma-ihi na naman. CJ is pressing on my bladder aside from my lungs. Iyon ang dahilan ng madalas ko pag-ihi at hingal kahit konting kilos o salita lamang.

"Did Ms. Julia visit you a while ago?" tanong ko kay Ritter.

"Yeah, and she's looking for Iona. Luckily, my daughter is with you the whole day. I don't want her to witness us fighting again. Our last fight traumatized Iona, which she witnessed."

Iyon pala ang dahilan kaya laging hiling ni Iona na huwag kami mag-away ni Ritter. Ayaw na ayaw niyang naririnig na nasasagutan kami ng tatay niya.

"Are you staying here for good?" tanong ko pa uli.

"No." Mabilis niyang sambit sa akin. "I know you went through my conversation with the owner of this house. He's not selling this, but let me stay and rent the whole place for a year."

"I'm not spying on you. I accidentally read it when I borrowed it without asking permission."

"It's okay, Lauren. So, what are we going to talk about? You'll not bug me this late, asking that one question."

Nag-alangan ako sumagot at tumingin lang ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung itutuloy ko ba ang pagtatanong sa kanya samantalang iyon ng pinaalam ko kay Daddy. I'm not that sure if Dad heard me a while ago. He's too sleepy to understand me.

"What happened to you and Ms. Julia?" There, I finally asked him. Doon talaga ako mas curious dahil iyon naman ang ugat ng lahat. Ms. Julia teared us apart and Ritter was too blind to see it before.

Alam na ba niya ang lahat ngayon?

"Nothing. It will cause you stress, so let's not talk about it,"

"You already knew about the fake accusations. We should talk about it now, Ritter."

"Can we not? Please, Lauren, let's not talk about it." Biglang lumakas ang buhos ng ulan na nakakuha sa atensyon naming dalawa. "I'll fix the bed for you. You have to sleep now and rest. I don't want anything to happen to you again. Not on my watch, so please listen and cooperate with me."

Huminga ako nang malalim at hindi na siya kinontra pa. Hinayaan ko siya na ihanda ang kwarto na tutulugan ko ngayong gabi. Mas lumakas pa ang ulan sa labas na sinamahan pa ng pagkulog at kidlat.

"Thank you," I said when Ritter put a pillow behind me. "Since when did you become secretive to me, Ritter? I know that you're trying to hide something from me. I want to know even if we're not in a relationship anymore." Magkaibigan naman kami bago nagkaroon ng relasyon. At nitong mga lumipas na buwan, masasabi ko na magkaibigan kami kahit madalas kami magtalo.

"I'm not hiding something from you. What breaks us apart is me, and there are always three of us in the relationship." Kumunot ang noo matapos marinig ang sinasabi niya. "I listened to my mom, who wanted to control me by reminding me that I was a failure. I caused someone's life on the table, and you always wanted to include Summer in our relationship." I overlooked that. "There's always me, you, and Summer. I don't want to hurt you; I let it all pass. And if that's what makes you happy, who am I to ruin it? Dashiell said you've been th, rough, and finding a true friend will be hard for Lauren; you'reou're my only confidant, but she has you there."

He's hurting. It's not intentional to put Summer first all the time. I didn't realize that until he told me about it. The past few months here in Oak Island, I'm always with Summer, and when she's not around, that's the only time I notice Ritter. I'm mad, but it's too much for him, especially when his mother says he's a failure.

"When I met you, I know it's cliché, but I consider you my redeemer. I hid the truth about Iona. After all, I want to know first if we're for a long run because I cannot hurt my daughter again."

"I also hid the truth about my past, Ritter."

"I know about that even before the confrontation you had with Serene. Dashiel told me everything. I wanted to protect you. That's all I want to do, but I failed when I chose not to listen to you. Our flaws in the past connect us, Lauren."

He's been my knight with no shining armour since then. I also failed to notice that my focused change and included other people in our relationship. It should be all about us, but I forgot.

"I'm sorry, Ritter."

"Do not be sorry. It's all my fault."

Umiling ako at pinalapit siya sa akin. I cupped his face and gently caressed it. "You're not at fault nor a failure. Thank you for accepting how flawed I am, Ritter. Please remember that you're not a failure."

Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko na nakahaplos sa kanyang pisngi. "I want to fix this, Lauren. I want you back. I want you. I want our baby and complete family with Iona." I want him to, but how will I go to say that? Why do I still have to hesitate? "You have to rest. We'll talk in the morning, okay?"

"Where are you going to sleep?"

"The couch." Ngumiti siya pero duda ako na matutulog talaga siya. "Good night, Lauren. Good night, son." Napangiti ako nang halikan niya ang tiyan ko.

"It's CJ. Christian Josef." Lumiwanag ang mukha ni Ritter pagkarinig sa pangalan na binigay ni Summer. "It's actually Summer's suggestion to help me because I'm torn between naming Little Bean after you or my Dad. Can you consider it?"

"Christian was the first name that popped into my head because your Dad became a supportive father figure to me until I ruined it."

"He still believes in you, Ritter. He can hire someone to guide and teach him about sailing, but Dad chose you."

"I guess you're right." Hinaplos niya ang tiyan ko nang marahan. CJ moves inside me as if he wants us to know how happy he is about his name. "Christian Josef, I can't wait to hold you in my arms."