Posted October 24th, 2018

✤ Sanya: 1.22 losing my life ✤

If you ask, I will not be able to tell you exactly where all this bravery is coming from. It could be coming from the fact that I lost my grandfather and a loved one's death can have major impact in you. It can be very eye-opening. It could be coming from the fact that I was tired of Nidhi and her followers not taking me seriously... thinking they can continue to bully me. I accepted it all when Trisha did it, having a somewhat twisted reason of feeling threatened on losing her best friend, Kriana.

But, Nidhi? No. She is only being a bitch thinking she owns Rihaan. I call this... opening her eyes to the reality. She can try if she wants to get his attention but it won't be on the account of trampling over me. I haven't allowed her to put me down like that. If she had been sporting about it all, it would have been a different story and I would have actually preferred that.

And, well... things with Rihaan...

I look up through my lashes at the first sound of morning when I wake up, snuggled to him. His fingers were firmly entwined with mines resting over my stomach. His breathing was soft and quiet, such deep in sleep. Lips parted, mouth hanging open. That seems to be his thing when asleep. Sighing in content, I twist in his hold so I am on my back and lift my hand to close his mouth. He hums in response, swallowing and shifts closer to warmth. Closer to me.

My own lips part as I try not to gasp and make my reaction be known. He groans softly with his lower body pressing to my thigh and I could feel his morning arousal. Biting my bottom lip, I force myself to move - lifting his arm off my stomach and while sitting up, managing to slide upwards and away. I exhale a breath I had been holding in and stand up, hand on my heart feeling it beating like crazy.

As the warmth leaves him, he stirs awake, turning on his back and stretching, hands rubbing his eyes to clear the haze. He glances up, narrows his eyes seeing me standing over his head, and then they widen. He sits up at once, "I did something again, didn't I?"

I focus on breathing, shaking my head lightly. This is normal, I tell myself. "M-maybe," I clear my throat as it feels dry from having just woken up, "you two should leave though."

He follows my gaze to Girish and breathes out. "Yeah." Getting up, he gives a light kick to Girish, waking him up.

He grumbles, "Hmm?"

"Get up. Let's go."

Girish is confused for a second on finding Kriana next to her but quickly brushes it off and gets up to leave.

Fighting my blush after both leave, I wake up Kriana and peek outside. It did stop snowing but left a blanket of white all around. And that intoxicating scent in the air. I breathe freely in this air, wanting to capture this beauty in my memory with a deep desire to paint it. I wish I had my colors with me. The peaks are covered in white and, there are splashes of red inside of me, fueling these feelings for Rihaan.

Kriana walks out after me and hearing the footsteps, I turn briefly to acknowledge her presence and wish, "Good morning."

"A good morning indeed," she says glancing around at the same scene, probably feeling the same. "I don't think anything else can be this beautiful."

I agree, "Probably not."

She starts a conversating with a bit of hesitation, "So, uh, I really need to talk to someone about this. I'd normally bother Arshiya with this but she's not here."

I gently smile and encourage, "What is it, Ana?"

Lowering her head, she says. "You know, last night..."

"Ah," I answer catching on she does not know how to feel about kissing Girish - or him kissing her. I have no idea what order it happened in. So, I ask. "Did he or you...?"

"Him. Definitely him." She answers as if that much is clear to her.

Taking her hand, I nudge her to sit over a big enough branch and brush out of the already melting snow. "Start from beginning?"

She seems surprised that I am okay talking about this, asking her about it. But, knowing she needs to talk it out with someone to make sense of it, she sits beside me. "We were by the campfire, right? And he came to sit by me. Just before though, I'd talked to Rihaan that I was thinking of moving on because I didn't think it was going to go anywhere. So, I thought to keep my distance and left to come back to the tent but he followed me, asking what that was about. I kept telling him to let it be because talking to him about my feelings for him? That's just awkward, right? But he... he kept pushing, wanting to know why I was behaving weirdly. I lost it and told him to stop making it tough for me to move on because I'd gotten the message clearly that he didn't like me back and suddenly, he was kissing me. It was all happening at once and then I was kissing him back too and then the two of you walked in and now... I don't know. It's a mess. I don't get him. Nothing one second and the next when I tell him I'm over it, he's kissing me?"

She pauses her later rant in frustration on catching me smiling and narrows her eyes, turning her irritation to me. "You're smiling? You find all of this amusing?"

I chuckle, hugging her shoulders from the side and pulling her to mine. "Oh, Kriana. You know more about boys than me. How do you not see what's happening in your own life?"

"Huh?" She asks in confusion, irritating fading. "What are you talking about?"

I break it down for her, surprising myself that I understand it even though I have barely exchanged a word with the guy in question. "He's confused, Ana. A deep part of him obviously likes you but he's just having a hard time coming to terms with it and finding out you were moving on, it probably was like a reality check for him, an ultimatum that if he didn't act now, he'd lose you. So, before his mind caught up with his heart, he kissed you... a way to let you know, to stop you from moving on. Do you get it now?"

She scoffs, "Dumb shit. Could have just said he was confused and needed time instead of making me feel like crap for the longest."

I rub her arm in comfort, "That's boys, sweetie. It's only when they fear losing someone they like that they get a jolt to do something about it but when they have it right in front of them the whole time, they don't see it... they take it for granted."

She looks at me in concern, "Is everything okay with you?"

I ask in confusion now, "Yeah, why?"

"You're talking about taken for granted and all... talking about yourself?"

I smile to assure her, "Oh, no. No. Just a general thought. I was thinking of Riddhima Aunty and Armaan uncle's story, you know? From what I remember, didn't he only realize his feelings when he..."

She finishes for me, all of it connecting to a larger piece. "Thought he was going to lose her." She laughs, "Yeah, dad was quite the cupid between them, wasn't he?"

I nod along, recalling Angad Uncle often telling us the story of how the only reason Riddhima and Armaan were together were because of his interference. He liked to take credit for something that could have very well still happened with fate and destiny in the play. None of us would argue with him - letting him have his little moment of pride.

Then, I suggest. "My advice? Go easy on him. Talk to him, definitely, but also let him figure out his feelings before you jump into any conclusions."

She hugs my arm, "Thanks, San. Really. I don't know why I never talked to you before about things like this."

I pat her hand at her version of an apology, "Your welcome, Ana. I've never really been available though, have I? It's on me just as much. I just... I stay wrapped up in feeling anxious so much so that I have let so many things pass by."

She smiles back in comfort, lifting spirits. "Well, next time we need advice, you're certainly a member of Aru and mines inner circle."

I play along with a grin, "Why, I feel honored!"

She laughs and gives me a tight hug. Parting, she sighs. "Seriously though, I love you. And I love this side of you you've been hiding away. I know crowds are not your thing but between us, don't hide, okay? We don't want you to hold back."

My shoulders drop as I nod, "I'll try." If I gave her a good advice, hers is one I decide to take up too. She's not wrong, after all. One on one does seem to my new go-to so I have to keep exploring it further and make the best of my potential.

She bumps her shoulder to mine. I look back at her and she adds, "And you probably don't, but anytime you do want to talk about Rihaan, my ears are always available."

I blink away once she says his name, blushing on recalling all of last night and this morning. "O-okay."

She catches the look and probes, "Something is happening between you two, isn't it?"

"N..." I open my mouth in a quick thought to deny, but why? "I think?" I finally admit it while fiddling with my fingers. "He's starting to speak up, you know? It's... it's not just in my head now."

"That's a good thing!"

I nod quietly, "Yeah."

"What is it?"

I shake my head. When she isn't convinced, I add. "Nothing. It is a good thing. Less crazy up here." I point to my head. "Less doubts so... can't be complaining."

She gently shakes me with an advice, "Go with the flow. You both will figure it out. I know it. Like I am surer about that than anything else in the world."

I find myself happy from the inside with the certainty she has about it. Just maybe, I believe it too. My only problem is... he is speaking up but I? I am only reacting. Responding. Accepting. I am not initiating. How long before he expects me to let him know too what I feel for him? That thought... as much as I try, I cannot push away that anxiety. It remains in the surroundings eating me away.

Stop it, I scold myself for I would really just like to enjoy the present... the beauty and solace around us.

But, the thing about anxiety? It never really goes away. No matter the number of deep breaths you take and the distractions. You can only try to keep doing what you were doing and hope that for a few seconds in some minutes, you can feel that peace where you are able to breathe freely and there is no worry looming over your head. Then, when you don't expect it, it will hit again like a nagging reminder - repeating the cycle endlessly.

I don't want it to ruin this thing brewing between Rihaan and I.

*✧✤--------------------------✤✧*

"Be careful."

I spin around at the voice and question Girish's warning. "Hmm?"

He nods towards Nidhi standing in the distance putting on her life vest. "I know that look. She's planning something and I can guarantee you... you are her target."

"Lovely," I sarcastically reply and he chuckles. On a serious note, I say. "Thank you."

He nods and walks off to his group of guy friends. Though I knew Nidhi's warnings a few days ago on the train, it was nice to have this friendly warning.

Coach announces, gathering all of us in a group. "Alright, students. Rafting. Only five per group. One trainer will be with you for safety measures. I know you all want to have fun so I'll shut up with a quick warning, have too much fun and I'll kick your ass back to Mumbai. Got it?"

A few in the group laugh, taking him lightly. He squints at them before nodding for us to pick our groups. I am pretty sure it was meant to say that if anyone did anything stupid, they'd face the consequences.

Kriana counted pointing at each us, "One, two, three four. We need a fifth." The four of us being herself, me, Rihaan and Girish.

Nidhi joins out of nowhere, "You all don't mind if I join, right?" That fake innocent smile and fluttering eyes is hard to swallow.

"Uh..." Kriana glances around in a concern, as if looking for Trisha to save us from the situation but she's already in another group.

Coach announces as he sees everyone in groups of five, "Get in, everyone."

An experience that could've been fun is suddenly not so more. Kriana makes me sit next to her in the middle seats while Rihaan and trainer are in the front. I am not surprised as Rihaan loves seeking sports like an adrenaline junkie from front seat. Even when we go to some theme park or amusement parks, he'll be the first to go on every single ride and for any kinds of roller coasters, he'll volunteer to sit in the very front while normal people seek the middle or the back so they are not forced to face their doom as it happens.

The trainer from the place where these rafts must be rented gives a few instructions such as keeping feet inside and not leaning into the water a lot, standing up, etc. The usual drill.

As we are in the water, Rihaan turns around facing his camera towards Kriana and I. "Oye. You two. Smile. I don't need your moms nagging me for not taking enough pictures."

While I laugh at his excuse, Kriana sticks out her tongue. He captures one like that before I swat her knee to get her to pose properly. Rolling her eyes, she forces a bright smile on her lips.

"Get one of all of us," Girish says and Rihaan turns on the front camera and turns around. Girish takes Kriana's shoulders and pulls her back, causing her to squeal in a scare. We laugh, because it was funny, and she slaps his wrists. It's obvious though. That was just his attempt to get her closer to him given she had made me sit next to her and his wish of sitting next to her had been trampled.

The laughter dies since Nidhi stands up just as the raft breaks a rough wave. Given it leans too much to that side, I fall over. She pretends to reach for my hand but pulls the buckle of the vest instead and it slips off. I can normally swim but I get pulled under the waves and the last thing I hear is them calling my name.

For everything was happening so suddenly, I gasp for breath though I should know better than letting water in. Struggling to fight to the surface and breaking through, I inhale deep through my mouth just before getting caught in another wave. Luckily, the trainer must have dove in after me and grabbing my waist, pushes me up with him.

He waddles us closer to the raft where Rihaan and Kriana are holding out their hands. I grab each one and they pull me up. I find myself leaning against Rihaan as I cough the water out, my throat, nose and eyes all burning. He rubs my back as Kriana moves my hair which are all wet - ofcourse - and falling over my face.

Before long, she pulls me to herself in a tight hug. "God. You're okay."

From behind, Rihaan joins in, speaking with so much fear I can feel his heart racing still. "Stop giving me these scares, love."

The trainer speaks in a very loud voice once he's back on the raft, "You, what did I say about standing?"

Nidhi attempts to defend herself feigning innocence, "I was just trying to get into the picture!"

The guy doesn't fall for it, moving his hands on his hips in an intimidating manner. "Everyone else can get in the picture while you can't? And do you not know the difference between grabbing someone's hand and unbuckling their life vest?!"

She scoffs, "Wh-what? Are you saying I did this on purpose? How dare you accuse me! Do you have any idea who I am?"

"We're turning back around and your teacher is going to hear about this." He announces least affected by her tantrum as he gets in his seat at the front.

Kriana hisses at Nidhi as she crosses her arms in a huff, "I swear to God, Nidhi, do you realize that anything could have happened to her?"

"I didn't do anything!! You all saw it was an accident!"

Rihaan snaps her shut, "None of us here believe you, Nidhi. So just stop."

She gapes, "Seriously? You're falling for this too? Gosh, can none of you see what's behind this manipulative bitch face?"

"Oh, that's it." Kriana mutters to herself and before anyone could have react, she slapped Nidhi. She gasped while all of us just stared. She defends with a careless shrug of shoulder, having no remorse for her actions, "What? Neither of you would hit a girl but you all know she deserved this."

Nidhi tries to have a final word but fails given no one believes her, "You all will regret taking her side one day. You'll see."

No one even pays attention to it and I should be mad at her but then why do I not like that sad look on her face when Rihaan calls out to me to get my attention. "San? Hey, look at me, please."

I blink back to him just as the trainer wraps a blanket around my shoulder and asks, "Are you hurt anywhere?"

I have to think for a second for his words to click before I shake my head in an answer and fist the ends of the blanket closer to my chest. My mind is still stuck under the waters.

The water flow was so strong. These are the waters of Himalayas, flowing down from such an altitude. It could have pulled me anywhere. Fighting it... it could have drowned me.

That fear of facing almost death seems to grip me tight.

I do not realize when we reach back to the point where we started, a few kilometers walk from our campsite. It isn't until I try to step out of the raft that my right knee buckles at the pain on my ankle. Kriana quickly catches my hand in the front and Rihaan's hands go to my waist to help me out of the raft, following behind me.

The trainer jumps out as well after pulling the raft on ground. "Let me check," he says bending on one knee and pulling my foot out of the shoe. I bite back a wince when he holds my ankle around where it is sore. Pressing around a little, he delivers verdict. "Nothing a day's rest won't fix. Get ice and try to not walk on it and you'll be good tomorrow."

I nod a mumble a quiet, "Thank you," before sliding my foot back inside the shoe and tucking a finger in the back to properly wear it.

When I stand up again, keeping my weight on the good leg, Rihaan's fingers circle my elbow and he spins me about to crash into his chest. His arms wind up around me in a strong and firm grip. Not tight that it would hurt but tight enough to have me flush against him as if to assure himself I was okay.

"What have you done to me?" He breathes out over my nape and asks in a helpless voice.

"Rihaan..." I say his name and attempt to pull back but he holds me there.

He lightly admonishes even though he does not blame me. He is scared, that's all. "Why can't you stop getting in accidents?"

I offer, "I'm just clumsy," while patting his back to let him know I am okay and to get him to release me.

Cupping my face, he orders. "Fix this habit of yours because I swear, I will die if anything happens to you."

Leaning into his touch, I lift my hand to his wrist, "I'm not going anywhere."

He slides that hand in mine and holds it to his chest while leaning down to rest his forehead against mine, closing his eyes. My own close as well, ignoring the pounding heart and harsh breathing and sharp pain all over my body as the adrenaline starts to wear off- feeling it to be light as if still in water. 

"Good," he whispers, "because it hurts, love. It hurts here," he presses the back of my hand tighter to his chest hinting at his heart at the word, "so damn much it's like I've stopped breathing. The few seconds you were under, it felt like I was losing my life in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything."

I make a huge realization. I might have been the one actually fighting the drowning but he was also in there with me, fighting the pain of seeing me on the brink of a trauma. If the roles were reversed and I helplessly had to watch him almost die on me? No. No, I can't. I wouldn't survive that.

The intensity of feeling such love at this young age is both terrifying and eye opening at the same time. I used to believe my feelings were a deep likeness for him but somewhere along the way, they turned into so much more. I fell in love with him and he does too in a way that I would have never thought possible.

It doesn't matter why he would fall for me. It just matters that he does. Love has no reasons, after all. It does not seek logic. It just... happens. And when it does, all you can do is open your heart up to it and welcome these strange feelings that erupt endless butterflies fluttering about at the pit of your stomach and weaken your knees - no matter how much terrifying that feeling could feel because the happiness of it will always be worth more.

Coach makes his presence and Rihaan moves beside me, our foreheads parting but he continues to hold my hand. "You're back early." Then noticing the expressions on our faces, he turns serious as well. "What happened?"

*✧✤--------------------------✤✧*

| Author Note |

Because Faisal was not enough, now Nidhi too... Still hope you liked the small Rihaan-Sanya scene afterward :)

Raise your hand if you love Kriana for delivering that slap ;)

QOTC: What do you think of Kriana-Sanya bonding? Oh and Girish... boys will be boys?