As I said I updated before 2020. Yah Congratulations to me. It's almost 3.5k.

Happy new year to all of my dear readers. May this year bring you a lot of happiness and prosperity. God bless you all a good healthy life. Do you best to keep your new year's resolution. Which I can't keep usually..😅😅😅

At that time I was an innocent little girl who does not know this year will be a disaster...🙂🙂🙂🙂

*************

Cassandra froze, her eyes widened as she looked at Coltrane. Many things, she can think of many things he could have said but this...

Coltrane stared at her. Waiting with bated breath. But the only thing he got in return was silence.

I love you...

She looked away. He let her.

"Cassandra?" He asked. She remained silent, not bothering to reply.

"Do you think that if you ignore me everything will turn back in time?" Coltrane asked. She looked up staring at him, he returned her stare. Her face is blank without an ounce of emotion.He couldn't even guess what is she thinking?

Coltrane sighed, sitting up and closed his eyes. She slowly sits up curling in a ball, she rocks herself.

"Why are you telling me this?" Cassandra asked at last. Her words shocked him.

"Because I..." before he could say those words she cut him off

"Don't bother" She said with a blank face inside her crunch. She sighed, closing her eyes.

Coltrane thought she would scream and asked how could he say that after putting her all those. But she did not.

Coltrane blinked his eyes shocked at her odd behavior. She was acting nonchalantly.

"Don't you love me anymore?" Coltrane asked bitterly. She closed her eyes.

Love??

Does that word actually exist? She wonders what love is. Did what she felt for him really love? As that question wanders she knows the truth. She always knows why she is trying to make herself doubt that. For the past 10 years, she has loved him. As painful as it is, that is the truth.

"I .... I do love you" Cassandra said softly her words filled with hurt.

"As if I could stop loving. If only it was that easy we would not be in this mess" she said painfully aware of the situation.

"I love you too," Coltrane looked at her straight in the eyes. She closed her eyes.

"Don't do this please?" Cassandra said, clutching the bed sheet.

"I love you Cassandra," Coltrane said.

"So what?" She snapped this time tears filled her eyes.

"I am not lying" he said softly touching her shoulder, she flinched.

"I don't care.." She trails off. He clutched her shoulder so that she was facing him.

He will repeat as long as it takes for her to believe. Even if it starts with the word I hate.

"I love you" Cassandra struggled to get out of his hold. He pressed his forehead against her.

"Let go of me" She cried trying to push him away.

"I love you"

"I said let go of me" She shook her head.

"I love you"

"I said let go of me" she yelled.

"I am not saying this because I feel guilty or I feel pity. I am saying this because...."

"Don't," Cassandra yelled, stopping him before he could finish his sentence.

"I don't care" her words halt him.

"I don't care whether you love me or not. I don't give a fucking fly" She said even though it feels like those words hurt her more.

" Why?" Coltrane asked her to let him go.

"Don't.." Cassandra looked at him with a painful expression. Tears fell from her as she sobbed.

"Why are you crying if you don't care?" Coltrane asked again, waiting for her to say something, anything. She remained silent. It's not like she has anything to lose, or is it?

A tear trailed down her eyes as she took a deep breath.

"I gave up on that dream a long time ago,Coltrane. When I begged for you forgiveness" Cassandra sighed.

"Everything I did after that, I never expected anything in return" She looked down at her hand. Those blood soaked bandages were a reminder of where her life is. He gulped down painfully.

"I never did it because I want you to acknowledge it" her voice was a painful whisper tears fell from her.

"I am not doing this because I..." Coltrane trailed off as she shook her head.

"Don't" her voice trembled.

"Don't fall for me Coltrane" her shoulder sag as years of hurt, pain surfaced.

"It will only hurt you," he flinched.

"I am already broken beyond repair. I don't think I am capable of loving anymore" she looked down as another tear fell.

"You asked me to love you," Coltrane said.

"I asked you to love me as Catherine" He felt his eyes burn with tears.

"I will pretend to be her. I never asked you to love me as me, How could I when I can't even love myself?" She choked with shame filled her face.

"There is only one thing I can do now is to get away from you" Cassandra said shakily.

Her hand softly touched his face as she smiled softly, "I will go away from your life. Forget about me and live freely"

"As long as I am away. You will be away from this toxic and depressed environment"

"If only I have not come on that day. If only I would not have been the replacement, our life would not have crossed and you would be here suffering with me" Cassandra whispered softly.

"What the hell are you saying?" Coltrane yelled, grabbing her hand tightly before she decided to rush out.

"It was me if only I loved you only you. Then this would not happened" he gritted his teeth pulling her closer.

"It would have happened. It is happening since my childhood"

"I am born with that fate" She sighed.

"My own mother regrets giving birth to me. You have nothing to do with that. I can't blame you for hurting me when the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally never wanted me" her tears fall silent without a sound.

"Please" Coltrane begged her. He does not know what he is begging for. Is he begging for her to believe him? Or Is it because he wanted her to stop degrading herself? Or is it because he wanted her to hate him? Fight him? Anything?

Not this. She is thinking about him not to hurt him.

"Please, make me regret. Fight me anything but don't give up"

"You wanted divorce. Right?"

"Fight me, make my life a hell. Please" he begged her. His grip around her tightened.

"Do I have any right to make your life hell?" She asked, choking.

"I don't hate you"

"I never did and I never can. I am sorry" her words held the truth. He felt something break, tears fall from his eyes. He held her crying.

"I am sorry" Coltrane whispered.

"I am sorry"

"I am sorry"

"I am so sorry that I hurt you"

"I am sorry that I made you do those horrible things in the name of love" she felt a tear fall from her eyes.

"I am sorry, I forget that you are my best friend before everything"

"I am sorry I know you were having nightmares of your Grandma but I never did anything to help you"

"I am sorry that you love a scumbag like me. If it was Jeremy you would have been happy" she touched his hair as he cried.

"I am sorry that I never keep my promise"

"I am sorry that I hurt you"

"I am sorry that I never tried to listen to your side of the story"

"I am sorry"

"I am sorry"

"Please forgive me"

"Please forgive me" she looked down as he begged.

Cassandra pushed him away, "You want me to forgive you" he nodded his eyes looking at her.

She takes a deep breath wiping her tears. She softly held his face wiping his tears which were escaping. Seeing him cry hurt her, "I forgive you" she smiled at him before pressing a soft kiss on his forehead.

His heart broke, her smile was nothing like the past it held so much hurt and pain. Tears spilled from his eyes, he never even cried at his father's death.

"I don't deserve it. I know that more than anyone" he yelled.

"Don't forgive me just because I asked"

"I have hurt you for years, how could you just forgive me and smile at me?" He asked, pushing her away.

"I don't want to hurt you" she closed her eyes. Coltrane stood up, grabbed her hand and pulled her up. He takes her out of his room to another room. He pushed her on the couch and bent down on his knees. He put his head on her lap hugging her. Tears fall from his eyes. She was shocked at his odd behavior but let it be.

"Please, at least make me regret before forgiving me" his voice choked. Cassandra gulped down painfully. She cannot do this.

"Just because you hurt me does not mean I need to hurt you back. If I do that it will continue and become a never ending painful circle" he gripped her top.

"Then will you give us another chance? I promise I will do anything to make you happy" Coltrane asked, she looked away. He softly touched her cheeks forcing her to look at him. Her eyes held mistrust, and raw pain. He chuckled painfully, "Off course years of hurt and betrayal can never vanished"

"I love you" he said looking at her while she looked away.

"Coltrane.."

"Flynn. It's Flynn for you" he said. She sighed before uttering those painful words.

"I... I ...I ..." a sob escape.

"I can't give myself another chance at life. I don't think I can ever give you anything other than pain and hurt. So...." tears spilled from her eyes as she shook.

"So, please don't waste your time on me. I am not only broken mentally, physically as well. I can never give you anything" she said. He grabbed her hand pressing as kiss over her bandage not saying anything.

"Let's stop this," Coltrane shaked his head, closing his eyes. She was out of the hospital today and he put her through another emotional stress.

"Wait for me," he said as he walked out of the room. He took a deep breath and went straight to the kitchen. He takes out a glass of warm milk. And went to his room to grab her medicines.

Coltrane came back, kneeling down, putting the glass of milk aside. He slowly unwrapped her bandage. After seeing Austin twice he has a good idea of what to do.

He neatly wrapped the bandage. She was silent. "Are you hungry?"

"No" she shakes her head.

"Drink it" he held the glass of milk in front of her mouth she did as he said. Then he handed her the painkiller and sleeping pills. She drank it.

He put his hand behind her knee and back and hoisted her up. He slowly laid her on the bed.

"Go to sleep"

"I .. don't think I can" Cassandra said, sleep always involves nightmares, without her antidepressants she cannot sleep. But slow her eyes closed and she was lulled to sleep, before losing her consciousness she heard, "It does not matter whether you can give me anything or not"

She felt him kissing her forehead.

When she heard the door closing, she slowly opened her eyes.

***************

Jeremy was silent as they drove through the road. Catherine was focusing outside. How did this come to this?

Cassandra was suffering all along; she knew that but gave up on her life.

"Catherine" Jeremy called her.

"I don't want you or the baby near her," He said. If someone from outside sees this they will think how cold he is? But Catherine knew that it hurt him.

"We will be there for her. So, please you are pregnant I don't want you to go through this" Jeremy said sighing. The way he saw her last him, he knew healing her is not the right word. Cassandra looked broken to be healed.

"I want to be there for her," Catherine said. He looked away, the only reason she is saying this because she did not see her melt down.

"I don't want you near her. That's final" his words were cold which stopped her argument. She stared at him hurt and tears filled her eyes.

"Don't you want her to see you happy? Live a normal life?" Catherine asked.

"I do," Jeremy sighed.

"I do more than I can explain. I want us to be like, we were friends before anything happened but that's impossible" his words held pain. She kept silent. As much as she wanted to fight him. She is exhausted. She cannot fight him, that's the truth.

*************

Coltrane went out slowly, closing the door. The moment he was far away his facade fell. He crumbled tears fall from his eyes.

What hurt him most that she forgave him? He knows very well that he doesn't deserve that. He does not deserve her unconditional love. He does not deserve her care. He does not deserve her loyalty. He does not deserve her.

That's the reality.

Coltrane was ready for Cassandra to reject him, tell him to go fuck yourself. Who does he take her for? But she did nothing like that.

"Why did she have to love you?" Austin asked.

"She deserves much better," Austin added bitterly.

"I know," Coltrane said.

"You heard everything?" He asked.

"Not everything but most of it" Austin looked away. Maryln was crying beside him. They went to visit her mother then she insisted on seeing Cassandra but she was nowhere to be found. When they asked the receptionist she said that Coltrane Mayor paid for her discharge. And they were here. At first Ben refused when Maryln requested him to let them in. And Ben did.

"Why don't you let her go?" Austin asked.

"I can't" Coltrane sighed.

"You can't or you won't?" Austin asked, gritting his teeth.

"Both" Coltrane looked away.

"You don't deserve her," he said.

"I know" Coltrane chuckled coldly.

"I know more than anyone that I don't deserve her but I can't let her go" he said painfully.

"Is it because of Catherine?" Austin asked, glaring at him. Coltrane looked at him coldly.

"If it was only about Catherine I would not have been in this pain and suffering" he gulped down.

"I am sorry" Cassandra said those words. They sharply turn to the door. She was standing there looking at her feet. She never drank those pills. She thought she would wait for him to go to sleep then she would sneak out of here. She doesn't want anyone to suffer for her anymore. If she vanishes then their problem will vanish too.

Coltrane looked at her frozen, "I did not mean it that way.."

Cassandra shake her head, "It's fine"

He punched the floor , closing his eyes. She walked in the worst timing as ever. Coltrane stood up, and walked up to her, grabbing her hand.

"Listen to me," He said. She shakes her head. Her eyes were blank, she pulled her hand away.

"Austin, Can I come with you?" Cassandra asked, ignoring him.

"No" Coltrane refused again holding her hand pulling her closer.

"I said I didn't mean it that way. All I was trying to say is..."

"I don't care, Coltrane" her tone was the same she used with her mother.

Austin stepped forward pulling her away. Coltrane grit his teeth as his fist clench.

"You can. Let's go" Austin replied. Before she could walk out his words froze. Coltrane glared at Austin.

"Have you forgotten what I said on the hospital bed?" He said coldly. Cassandra turned around looking at him with disbelieving eyes.

"If you go with him.." he gritted his teeth.

"I will close down his clinic" he glared at Austin rather than looking at Cassandra.

"Are you fucking real?" Austin yelled. Maryln flinched at his tone, Austin seemed furious.

"Go ahead and do so. We will see each other in court. Let's go" Austin grabbed her hand but she seems rooted.

"Cassandra, It's fine. I will be fine. Let's go" She shook her head, closing her eyes. She does not want to put him through that. She already caused him too much trouble.

"I will stay" her words were cold. Coltrane flinches but keeps his face void of emotions. He grabbed her hand dragging her.

"You told me I could fight for a divorce right?" She asked.

"But we are not married," she said coldly. He closed his eyes, smirking.

"You should not have signed those documents under your name. If only you signed Catherine it will have been a legit fake document. All I did was scanned the marriage papers and changed the name. And you became my official wife" Coltrane said coldly.

"Then I want to file for a divorce case" Cassandra looked away as he pushed her through the door.

"Sure," he said.

"I will call Jeremy and ask him to come. You can talk to him" Coltrane said oddly clam for the man who was screaming that he will not let her go. He grabbed another pill.

"You can fight me as much as you want," he said.

He held a mouthful of water and grabbed her, pulling her closer, forcing those medicine. Before pressing his lip. This time making sure she drinks it. She struggled but that all went down.

"Hurt me as much as you want. Hate me as much as you want I am all yours but you are not going anywhere" Coltrane said, this time giving her a proper kiss. She pushed him away tears filled her eyes. He pushed her to the bed covering her with a duvet.

"Go to sleep, love. Tomorrow will be a long day" he said this as he settled on the couch.

*************

Cassandra closed her eyes, trying to sleep but it was far away. She laid there silently. After a while she sat up. He was sleeping on the couch. She took the blanket and covered him. She bent down to him.

"I am sorry"

Cassandra walked out of the room closing the door. She went up stairs towards the terrace. Slowly everything crashed on her. She looked up. She slid down sitting their.Tears filled her eyes.

As much as she tried to avoid her thoughts it became unbearable.

"I can't do this anymore" Cassandra said as her shoulder shook, she sobbed.

"Why can't they understand I don't want anything?" She asked, choking.

"All I want right now is to be left alone" she curled up tears falling from her eyes.

"I don't have anything left to give anyone" she stared at nothing.

"I know he feels responsible" she looked down at her hand.

Even though you know that you feel happy don't you?

Cassandra looked down, smiling softly,"I know,for a fleeting moment, I feel happy. I never in my dreams thought that I will hear him say that to me"

You are pitiful.

"I am" She closed her eyes.

You don't deserve him

"I know," she sighed.

If you stay with him ,you will just destroy his life.

"I know" She choked.

Free him from yourself.

"How?" She asked if she tried to kill herself it would make him feel even more guilty.

Let him go

"I will. It's not like I thought we could be together" she said painfully.

You are lying

Cassandra flinched. That's true for a moment she thought if she hugged him back saying she loves him. Tell him yes that she will give them a chance, will she be happy? Will he be happy? No he would not.

She is not capable of making anyone happy. She always brings sadness to the people around her. And make their life a mess.

She is too broken to be loved. She knows more than anyone that she does not deserve love.

For her mother she was a mistake. For her father she is unwanted when the people who bring her to this world cannot love. How could she expect someone else to love her?If only she died that night. Or her mother's plan to succeed. They will be all free from her. This might be the reason why Catherine's mother never wanted people to know she existed. Why did her Grandma ask her to pretend to be Catherine? She knows, Cassandra was not supposed to exist. She just wanted to spare her feelings.

If only she did not fight it everything will have been easier. Her life might be better. She might have been happy. Not in this circle of darkness.

Coltrane would not have been suffering.

If only she was a good kid and did whatever they asked this would be a lot easier.

Grandma,

I understand what you were saying that day. If only I had listened to you then you would have been alive. I am sorry. I killed you. I.... if only I listen to you.... I....
I....

She sobbed, tears fell from her. I love you, she wanted to say that but she knows she does not deserve that. She does not deserve to love her Grandmother.

I am glad that I did not attend your funeral. At least I let you leave in peace. I... am sorry I don't deserve forgiveness but please please forgive me. I will do anything so please just take me with you...

I can't live like this anymore.

When someone calls me Cassandra it hurts me. I don't want to be Cassandra anymore, Why can't they understand?

Tears fall from her eyes without making a sound. Without letting anyone know. She finally gave up on that name. Everything around her started revolving as she fainted on the cold floor.

***************

Thank you for reading dear readers.

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Until next time..