(22nd October 2019)

Go ahead..

********

"Cassandra" Coltrane called her, his heart galloping in fear. Austin was there so he rushed in the room to grab a bed sheet. He tore it open to tightly wrap it around her wrist to stop the blood flow. Then Austin wrapped the torn sheet around her. He found out that she was clutching a paper. He picked it up and put it in his pocket.

"Don't sit there. Help me" Austin yelled. Coltrane looked up at him seeing Austin holding an almost naked Cassandra.

That's when Coltrane came around he abruptly stood up grabbing Cassandra from Austin's hand and he rushed out as fast as he could. Austin followed him behind.

Coltrane was clutching her to his chest. He needs to stop thinking absurd thoughts. He needs to stop thinking how cold she is? He clutched her closer to his chest trying to warm her as much as possible. Right now she needs to be alive. And he will do everything he can. Austin drove the car and looked back only to see how tenderly Coltrane removed the hair from her face. Murmuring something to her. The moment they enter the hospital. She was already in stretchers. They pushed her in the emergency room.

"Do you know anyone with O- blood group?" Austin asked. Coltrane looked up nodding his head.

"She will need blood soon," Austin said. Austin does not want to add that the amount of blood she lost is life threatening.

"I know someone" Coltrane gulped down before pulling out his phone shakily.

"Hello?" Jeremy said hoarsely.

"I need you" He said in a hoarse voice.

"What?" Jeremy sat up straight.

"Cassandra ......
she tried suicide, we need O negative blood" Coltrane said his voice closed off almost.

"I will be there," Jeremy said, rushing out of the bed. Austin stared at him shaking his head.

"You need to pull yourself together," Austin told him.

"I am fine" Coltrane snapped at him. He is fine.

"But how could you be so calm?" Coltrane asked, trying to change the subject, Austin flinched.

"I am used to it," He said bitterly.
That was in the past he did not want to remember those terrible days.

"I need to inform Marlyn," Austin said and walked away.

Coltrane stands in front of the door they put her in.

"Where is she?" Jeremy asked him. But Coltrane cannot seem to form any words as if the adrenaline died down and he feels exhausted. He did not even notice how much time has passed since then though.

"You must be Jeremy?" Austin asked.

"This way please hurry up" Austin did not wait. As he asked Jeremy into the hospital , the gown changed and sterilized himself.

"Will she be alright?" Coltrane asked him.

"They will try their best," Austin walked in, Jeremy following him.

*************

Blood...

All Coltrane could smell was that metallic odor. There was a sickly feeling to this. He did not know how he moved after seeing her in the pool of her own blood.

Even now seating on the hospital chair. He felt cold. As if his body completely shut down. He blinked his eyes.

"Coltrane?" Catherine asked.

"How did this happened?" Tears were flowing down her cheeks. She sat down beside him. Coltrane kept silent. How? He wandered himself. She was there this morning fighting him. Giving him a cold shoulder. After meeting her parents he felt cold. How could they treat her like that?

But did not he did the same. Coltrane looked down and regret invaded his senses. Tears filled his eyes.

"If you did something to her. I will never forgive you" Catherine said those words coldly. He flinched.

"You won't forgive me" Coltrane whispered looking down. No, no one can forgive him.

"I loved you" He said painfully aware of the fact he was just a replacement for her. But now he felt cold even though she was sitting beside him. He can't feel her warmth.Why does it feel so cold ? Why is he shivering?

Why does he feel like screaming?

"I don't care?" Coltrane whispered looking away trying to make himself believe that.

"I don't care" he repeated those same words again and again.

"I don't care"

"I don't care"

Catherine looked horrified as he repeated those same words.

"Coltrane?" She shakes him. He grabbed her hand.

"I don't care," He yelled at her.

"I don't fucking care what happened to her? Did you hear me? I don't care" Coltrane said those words coldly rubbing his face with his hand as his shoulder shook.

"I know. Please Coltrane came down" Catherine said bitterly.

"Then why?" She flinched.

"Why damn it?"

"Why does it feel like I am losing my mind?" Coltrane asked.

"Why am I remembering her smiling face?" He asked, choking on his breath.

"Why can't I feel your warmth when all I ever wanted was that?"

"Why does it feel so cold?"

"Why can't I just walk out of here and never look back?"

"Why do I want her to be okay?"

"Why does it feel like if anything happened to her I would never come back from it?"

"Why?" Coltrane asked.

"Why damn it?" He asked again.

"Coltrane?" tears falling from her eyes as he heard him ramble on. He still remembers how she was sobbing in his arms. How small and weak she looked? How vulnerable she was?

"I should not care about her"

"I never did, Why does it feel like I am losing my life?" He asked. Jeremy was behind the wall listening to his words.

"You love her don't you?" Catherine asked and he flinched.

"No," he shook his head.

"I can't love her"

"I should not love her"

"After all I make sure she knows I will never love her even if she is the last person alive" he said.

'You are in denial, Coltrane' Catherine wanted to say that but keep quiet.

***********

"We need to electrocute the patient" the doctors come out of her room.

"What happened doctor?" Jeremy was standing right there. Austin came out after doing all the paperwork. And looked at the doctor.

"Her heart is not beating" Dr.Phil answered.

"Her pulse dropped suddenly and her cut is too deep. She has cut her artery vein." Dr.Phil told her.

"It feels like she has given up fighting" the doctor said as the nurse brought in the machine. Austin rubbed his head. He wanted to be inside the operating theater but he did not think he had any nerve to look at her in her condition.

"We need to get her heartbeat steady" those words struck Coltrane like a lightning. Is he going to lose her?His only support system. Everything crashed as he collapsed on his knees.

"Why?" Coltrane asked himself. The bustling died down as the doctors and nurse again entered the I.C.U.

"Why does it feel like I am breaking from inside?" He asked, choking on his breath.

"Coltrane" Catherine felt hurt seeing him like this. Austin was still holding the paper he found in her hand.

Catherine knows this is all her fault. She holds him looking at Jeremy who just nods his head.

"I don't want her to die" Coltrane whispered as tears fell from his eyes.

"I don't want her to die," he said tears filled his eyes. He covered it with his hands.

"Shh she will be fine" tears fall in her eyes too.

"Tell her not to leave me" he demanded in a broken voice.

"If she leaves I will go mad" Hearing his words shocked Catherine.

"Everything will be fine, Coltrane," she said.

"Nothing is going to be fine" He shook his head.

"Nothing" He choked.

"I did horrible things to her"" Coltrane whispered.

I am not Catherine

These words will haunt him till the day he dies. He used her as Catherine. It's unforgivable.

"I never said how sorry I was" Tears fell from his eyes.

"I never told her how much I regret what I did that day" He rubbed his eyes at the smell of the blood making him nauseous.

"Not only that I used that against her to hurt her"

"I never said how sorry I was for everything. For everytime I hurt her"

"I never wanted to face the truth so I blamed her and she took it because she knows it will hurt me more" Coltrane said bitterly.

"When she cried today it hurt me. I did not want her to cry but I made myself believe it was pity. Whenever I feel guilty I make it up as pity to keep myself away from getting hurt. I am the worst. I used her in the worst possible way. I was the reason she stopped smiling. I was not there when she needed me the most. Even though I promised to save her.I ended up being saved by her. And now she needs to be saved from me." Coltrane choked tears falling freely.

"I didn't even notice when I became Coltrane from Flynn '' his pain was visible to them.

"I never noticed how she hid everything with a smile" He choked.

Austin looked away; he did not want to see this anymore. He did not want to say anything to him. He have nothing to say but those words were out before he could stop himself, "I am glad you did not say you love her"

Coltrane looked at him shocked. Austin has his emotions masked. He looks cold and distant.

He walked up to him looking down on him.

"If you said you loved her just because you feel pity for her. I would have killed you." Austin told him coldly.Coltrane felt shocked. Catherine looked at Austin in shock. Jeremy stood there not getting involved in this. Austin handed him the paper he was holding before he walked away.

************

I don't know who I am writing this too but if you are reading then I might already be gone from this world.

I don't have any reason to exist. I met my mother today for the first time. I wished I was never born. She did not hug me and cried telling me how sorry she was that she left me. She did not say that she loves me despite leaving me. All I ever wanted for her to hug me and tell me she loves me unconditionally. It took me 2 years to let go of the fact that I killed my baby but the scar that was related to that day is still fresh in my mind.

I lost my identity. I got to know that there was no one named Cassandra Walmart. My whole life was based on lies. That day I had an emotional breakdown. I can't take it anymore. Everything inside me falls apart. I am dying. I don't have the courage to live on and see the next day.

Did I ask too much? Was I never meant to be happy?

I should have never existed, Austin.

I am sorry. You are the only one who loved me unconditionally. Supported me through thick and thin. I wished I never met you, I know you tried your best but I cannot give my best to you.

Austin I love you, I really do. That's why I am sorry. Please forgive me. If I only meet you before giving up on this life. I would have been the happiest person alive. I am putting you through the same thing. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Please...

Tears fall from her eyes, mixing with the ink.

Jeremy I don't know whether you will read this or not but I forgive you. I know you wanted to help me that day but you could not choose between your friend. I know you have not forgiven yourself for this but I did, Jeremy. Because you are one of the few people who cares about me. Jeremy I know what Catherine did changed your life. You have suffered and changed a lot. But trust me she would never hurt you without a reason. She did not have any option. She wanted to protect you from getting hurt. Trust her and talk to her. Keep aside your anger and ask her why she did what she did. Please forgive Catherine. She gave up many things in her life because of me. She might have messed up many things. But she loves you unconditionally. She always did. And I am really thankful that you became my friend when I was struggling to keep up my confidence. You were there to push me in the right direction.

Catherine, the one from my past, always stands up for me. Always loved and helped me. She was a strong girl. She even gave up her freedom so I could get a chance at life. I love you. You were the only good thing that happened to me. And I am sorry for how coldly I always treated you. Forgive me. Will you?

Coltrane, I am sorry that I loved you. I know I was nothing but a nuisance to you but trust me I never hurt Catherine or even told her anything about what happened between us in the past. I know I am not like Catherine, I was not refined nor was I kind. We were best friends once. We used to share our happiness and sadness and everything with each other. I am sorry it's all because of me, I destroyed it. I am sorry for that. You know it's weird how I fight and did anything to prove that I am Cassandra not Catherine. I always thought this was the one thing I will never give up. But seeing you hurt, drunk and vulnerable hurt me. I wanted to do anything to take that pain away so I did what I thought I would never do and sold my identity for you. I for the first time let myself be her replacement. I give myself up. I never thought about the consequences. I just wanted to help you. When I heard that you are getting married to Catherine. Truth to be told I was jealous of her. For a fleeting moment I wanted to be her even if I needed to sell my soul. I wanted you to look at me with the same face and eyes that looks at her. I know I am selfish.When I heard she ran away, for a moment I feel happy, too happy to describe in words. I thought for a stupid moment that we can be together like before. But you resent me.I feel hurt what I was thinking that we will be like before anything happened.I was just living in a fantasy. Truth to be told, seeing you makes me forget how I struggled for these past 5 years to live. I just wanted closure but the moment I see you I fall for you again. When you put that ring on me I felt both happiness and sadness. I know this ring was custom made which you made for her. I am sorry I know this was not for me.

I know every time you touched me you wished I was Catherine. I know that but I tried to believe otherwise. That day when I went to your house I knew you were heart broken. I know very well how much pain you were going through. So I let myself be Catherine. I give myself up again , because I wanted you to let go all the hurt and pain even if it cost me everything. But I can't anymore. I have nothing to give up now.

I am freeing you from myself, Coltrane and I wished you would find someone who you love and who will love you back. I am freeing you from myself.

I have so much to say, so much more . But I don't think that I can anymore.

It hurts you know. It hurts so much. Sometimes I want to scream and cry and ask someone why? Why am I going through this? When will this end? Sometimes I wanted someone to say it's alright to let it go. Sometimes I want someone to ask how I feel?

It hurts you know. It hurts so much. It feels like someone is suffocating me. I wish that I was born in a normal family with a loving mother and caring father. But I not once wished that I never met you because those school days were the happiest memories of my life. I wished we could go back to those days, where I laughed without faking it. I always wish that it would have lasted longer. I was truly happy thanks to you Jeremy and Catherine.

Please don't try to save me.

I don't want to be saved.

**********

Thank you for reading dear readers..

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